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  #1  
Old 07-29-2012, 01:01 PM
thisis thisis is offline
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Unhappy NRE on a day a week

New here and I find myself needing - well, I don't know - support? Encouragement? Advice?

I'm in what for many on here may be an enviable situation, having successfully made the switch to poly within a very long term relationship with no problems we've not been able to work through easily so far. If anything it has strengthened our relationship in unexpected ways. My wife is fully appraised of everything below, and has been a rock, but she can't give me the benefit of experience!

I've met someone new who is wonderful - we clicked immediately, want all the same things, and have a real developing emotional bond. It's so exciting and energising. All in all, I should be blissfully happy, basking in the glow of NRE.

The problem is that I'm actually finding the NRE crippling! The new lady and I have been seeing each other about once a week properly, with occasional lunches and a constant daily exchange of texts and emails, just sharing the details of our lives or simply saying good morning or goodnight. We're both poly, and both have busy social lives, so there hasn't been room to see each other any more than we have been. However, after each time I see her, which is always fantastic, I find myself in this sort of grey state where everything seems muted, and it's hard to concentrate or properly enjoy myself at all my other activities. I just see her face all the time in my head! This persists for most of the week, and it's totally out of character. I know she is also finding concentration difficult at work, but she doesn't seem to have lost her enthusiasm for her social life, so although it's not all one-sided, I seem to be the worst affected. That said, she is a much more experienced polyamorist.

In all the earlier, mono relationships in my life (over a decade ago), the possibility of this has never arisen - those first few weeks of NRE have been spent in each others' company most of the time, but now I find myself in what must be a common poly situation - NRE on one day a week.

To those of you that have been there, experiencing this sort of effects, how did you cope? Will it take long to settle? Encouraging words most welcome!

Last edited by thisis; 07-29-2012 at 01:04 PM.
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  #2  
Old 07-29-2012, 07:09 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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I feel arrogant saying welcome to the forum... since it is not my forum... hahaha... but hello and... (substitute for welcome)

Quote:
The problem is that I'm actually finding the NRE crippling!
When I read this, I was about to say... "ahh! I know what you mean! I don't have time for NRE; I hate talking every day, it's so claustrophobic to me!"

Then I carried on reading. Hahaha.

Quote:
However, after each time I see her, which is always fantastic, I find myself in this sort of grey state where everything seems muted, and it's hard to concentrate or properly enjoy myself at all my other activities. I just see her face all the time in my head!
Sounds like love sickness. Someone call a Doctor

Quote:
In all the earlier, mono relationships in my life (over a decade ago), the possibility of this has never arisen - those first few weeks of NRE have been spent in each others' company most of the time, but now I find myself in what must be a common poly situation - NRE on one day a week.
That's a very good point. If you're used to seeing someone you're into all the time in the past, this must be a new experience for you. If it's also been over a decade since you've dated outside of your wife... it's likely to be much more powerful!


Quote:
To those of you that have been there, experiencing this sort of effects, how did you cope? Will it take long to settle? Encouraging words most welcome!
The only time this has happened to me is when I met my current girlfriend.

I randomly met current GF online... we connected instantly... she blew my mind. Soon enough, we were talking every day, for hours and hours, about everything. God, I was completely smitten. We were addicted to each other.

I couldn't concentrate at work, I didn't want to go out with my friends, I couldn't stop thinking of her. It was overwhelming. And it did affect my life. It affected by job pretty badly... so I hope you crazy kids are more careful!

It's been about a year and a half and we live long distance. I only get to see her for three months at a time, every three months. So that might keep the NRE going for us... but all I know is, I still can't wait to talk to her every day, still do barely anything but sit and chat with her on skype... and I'm still pretty wrapped up in love. We fight like nothing you've ever seen before (feel free to check out my mopey threads detailing such arguments, haha)... but we help each other grow like nothing I've ever known.

Erm... what I mean is... you will one day be able to focus on work again. I promise. I think.

Out of interest... how are you finding it in terms of your wife? Are your feelings just as warm and lovey as they always were for her? More, less? Do you still enjoying going out on dates together? I'm just curious to hear more of your story!
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  #3  
Old 07-29-2012, 10:59 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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It hasn't happened to me, but my husband has gone through it several times.

I thought I'd offer another perspective for you.

It's debilitating to our relationship when he gets all mopey over not being able to spend time with his new interest (in every case he's had the opportunity for at least once or twice a week in person and every day texts/emails).

Because then our time is destroyed by his mopiness.

It's gotten to the point where (I'm the one who is primarily poly by the way)-everytime he meets someone, I just want to go on vacation with our kids and not come home again for a few months.
Because I already know it's going to be him mopey and moody and wanting to be with her.

It's NOT that I doubt his love for me at all and I know his love for me isn't waning. But, he's SO caught up in NRE that he can't stay happy when he's not with them and that makes him shitty to hang around.

When he's in NRE, I miss the times when he is actually FUN to be around, enjoys playing, goofing off, having mad, passionate sex with me.

Ironically, my boyfriend lives with us-and it's never been that way for me. I am ALWAYS MORE interested in fun, and goofing off, playful sex and teasing with my husband when I'm getting that from my boyfriend too.
So, I can't say I understand personally.
Because for me, NRE isn't about a person-but about getting quality time and if I get it with one-I want it with everyone I adore.
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Old 07-30-2012, 05:08 AM
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Thanks both! Yes, my wife and I are closer, if anything, than ever. We've been making a special effort to use that energy on each other (and indeed some of the great date ideas!); having amazing sex and are as cuddly and lovey as always (we're a very affectionate pair). It's really good. The only negative effect is that I want to talk about what's going on in my head all the time, but she doesn't mind - if anything she says it's all opened me up to talking about my feelings in a way I've need been comfortable doing before, and she likes it.

This is why I think it's just something I need to sort out for myself.
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Old 07-30-2012, 05:54 AM
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LovingRadiance - how long have your husband's bouts lasted?
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
We were addicted to each other.
This gives a little of what is going on... I'm not certain, but I think NRE triggers similar things in your brain like addictive chemicals do (smoking, caffeine, other drugs). You're just dying for a hit, and want to bask in the warm loveliness that is NRE.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:36 AM
thisis thisis is offline
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I'm clucking? I could believe it - the patterns are similar to addicts I've known. Ironic for someone who's managed to avoid getting addicted to anything else his whole life!

I categorically do not want to go cold turkey!
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  #8  
Old 07-30-2012, 03:14 PM
Saphire Saphire is offline
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I have been going through a similar thing. I am not sure it is NRE or the separation that is causing the intense feelings while apart. Because of distance and work I can only see my boyfriends once a week at most sometimes it has been 2 to 3 weeks. We talk daily on the phone and texts. We didn't start poly but feelings grew. When I am with my husband I feel so close to him I am not missing my boyfriend as much, and Husband and I do talk about BF. It Brings us closer in many ways. He also allows me the freedom to text with BF at night while we are watching TV. It is when I am alone during the day that it is hard, almost painful, wondering when I will see him again. Then the extreme excitement when i do know I am going to see him soon and that is all i can think about. Then after we a date the dual emotions of elation of having been with him and disappointment of knowing I won't see him for a while. Pulling myself away from him is difficult. Yes addiction would be a very good word to use.

But on the flip side I do think about HB when I am with my BF. I have had extended time (several days) with my BF and i did miss my HB and think about him during that time is so of the same ways. It was easier to leave HB because I knew and end time and when I would see him and I get SO much more time with him. But I do miss him and think about him when we are apart also. Just makes me think it is more the separation than NRE. Or maybe the separation is extending the NRE since boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year.
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Old 07-30-2012, 07:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thisis View Post
LovingRadiance - how long have your husband's bouts lasted?
About 6 months.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satisfiction View Post
This gives a little of what is going on... I'm not certain, but I think NRE triggers similar things in your brain like addictive chemicals do (smoking, caffeine, other drugs). You're just dying for a hit, and want to bask in the warm loveliness that is NRE.
It does. There's a LOT of scientific evidence on it-actually, very interesting reading and I know that there is a thread on here somewhere about it-becuase a year or so ago we were discussing it a lot.
I found a lot of interesting info on psychologytoday website. Also, in my sociology and psychology classes at the college (I'm in school currently) we've discussed this in depth (though not in regard to poly specifically).
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Old 07-31-2012, 04:07 PM
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6 months? Nooooo, not doing that! I refuse! On the basis that the thought process may be limerant, I ended up talking to the lady concerned about it (shock! horror!).

Turns out she was having other insecurities but just doing a better job at hiding it/pretending it wasn't there. We talked about ways around it, but mostly I think the process was cathartic and the reassurance of knowing that I'm not being "needy" (or at least, not being perceived as such), and that even if I were, it wouldn't matter, has made a big difference. If I start missing her, I can just say so and we can make an effort to fix it. Equally she found my investment, and my willingness to talk about any concerns I have (rather than just dumping her without any warning) to be really reassuring. This has calmed her own anxieties a great deal, which has had the side effect of softening her behaviour towards me, which has further reassured me. This stuff is cyclic!

Let's see how this potential case of "communication solving all problems" plays out well. Fingers crossed.
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