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Old 07-24-2012, 05:43 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Or make up your own.

I call GG "M'ebe". Doesn't matter what it means-its my word of adoration for him, pet name if you will and for the two of us it defines everything special about our relationship.

He calls me "Bebe". Same thing.

I call Maca by his given name with an extra vowel at the end-a name only his father and I use. It's something special that reminds us that our tie goes back to when we were kids AND is as close as family. Means nothing to the outside world. He IS my legal husband and I do explain that to others at times, but between he and I, that is too formal and too.... well demeaning. It's a label with no emotion attached that society created.

My youngest daughter is Sour Pea. OBVIOUSLY that isn't the name on her birth certificate, and she does know she's "the baby" but that is demeaning to her (which is why I use this example). She HATES being referred to as the baby (which other people insist on bringing up with "is she the baby of the family? type questions).
But, Sour Pea-which some might think is demeaning, to her is endearing.

My oldest is "Idge" which is short for "Idget" which I called her when she was little and at that time it was short for "midget" cause she's always been SO TINY.
To MANY all three of those are demeaning labels.
But, to her they are endearing and when I don't use that, she gets offended! She feels slighted or figures I'm PISSED OFF!

So, describe what you feel and find a word that fits your feelings and go with it.
LR, that`s cute.

That`s not labelling though, that`s more of a pet name designation.

We have that too, anything from Sweetheart, Baby, Love, Honey... etc etc to our personal names for each other Spot and Dot.

Those are endearing, as are yours. Love it!!!
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Old 07-24-2012, 05:51 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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That's my point-cause the labels, those are just for outside discussions. Like "she's the baby, she's the oldest, he's my hsuband, he's my OSO".
For talkign with your *whoever*, create a term that fits.

SOME people like using "hubby" "wifey" (which is what Maca calls me). But, most of us do better with something more personal and leaving labels as defining words for the rest of hte world.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 07-24-2012, 06:34 PM
quianaa2001 quianaa2001 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmmm, that comment, "at least I have a relationship with him" sounds like you're settling for what you can get, instead of pursuing and creating the kind of relationship you want.

I think it would probably be better to simply describe what you want out of the relationship, your needs, expectations, etc., instead of stating that you want a certain kind of position according to hierarchical labeling. Leave the labels alone. I have found that, while having in-person discussions, using certain poly jargon sounds really dorky and dumb.

Yes, but have YOU defined for yourself what you want and how you want to approach your relationship with him? It sounds like you intend to go to him almost like a beggar, asking him to define it for you. I encourage you to take a stance. If you don't yet know what it is want and how to define it, you'd best figure it out before having the talk with him. Define for yourself how you want it to be and discuss it with him, and that's where negotiations will take off from. Don't just leave it all up to him and hope you'll get something, anything, good out of it.

How long have you been involved with him? It sounds like a fairly new relationship. Are you sure you aren't just caught up in the euphoria of a new relationship, getting all misty-eyed about it, and wanting more? Are your feet on the ground, or is your head in the clouds? How do you manage the long distance - does it leave you feeling like it's not enough? Do you have other partners, or are you solely focused on him? How old are you? Do you have much relationship experience? You may need to sort things out a little bit more for yourself before laying any requests for big changes on him. Make sure you are looking at the relationship clearly and not projecting some needs onhim that you need to fulfill yourself.
You're totally right I don't need to go at him like I'm begging, I'm sure that wouldn't do any good!

I'm going to take a step back and think about what I want, and what's the best way for me to describe that to him. Then once I've said what I've need to, I'll see where the conversation goes.

To answer the other questions, we have been involved for 8 months now, so maybe I am still getting all misty eyed? IDK
The Long distance is okay, I do wish I saw him more but it's just not in the cards.
I do have a primary boyfriend and we have a DADT relationship. I'm 22 new to poly, and in my first real long term relationship.
I'm not sure if it's relevant but my bf is 27 and my long distance friend is much older, something that I find super attractive! My friend is like dating someone I've always wanted to date/ always dreamed about dating but never thought it would ever happen, it's so interesting.
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:04 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I think that before you have a discussion like that you really need to take as good a stab as possible at your own requirements.

I have gone through this exercise a few times before - first, make a list of all the things that you'd like, then categorize them in terms of "Need" - something you absolutely HAVE to have to make it work, "Want" - something that is important, but you could conceivably give up if necessary, and "Like", something that is a "nice to have".

Coming up with this can help structure your own thoughts and can aid in your discussions with others.

I wrote more about this process a while ago on my blog at: http://cieldumatin.livejournal.com/4437.html

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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