Hi

[kdt26417]

JJ, I take it there are some things you're not comfortable divulging here on the forum. If so, we can't know the whole story, and hence can't put the affair situation into context.

The thing to keep in mind is that, as a rule, cheating tends to lead to a bad outcome for all concerned. So even if you're taking your chances for now, you should have some kind of exit strategy in place so that you're not just cheating indefinitely.

I think it's very difficult to be in the situation you're in. You have some hard decisions to make.

Re: the quote thing ... essentially it works like this: you type

{QUOTE}quoted material{/QUOTE}

Except instead of curly brackets {} ... you use square brackets []. Hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by JJ87

Yes, we are having sex with him, but I am not having sex alone with him. We meet as a 3some.

As Emm says, I'm not sure how this changes the fact that you are helping him cheat on his wife.

Originally Posted by JJ87

However, there is more to this story and to say how I know that he hasn't or won't do this would be giving out more than I am willing to share. I apologize and I know that sounds like a cop out, but it honestly isn't.

No, I can totally respect that. A lot of us aren't "out" about our poly lives, not because we are ashamed of it, but because of the consequences. This *is* a public forum, and this means that there are certain things that you absolutely should not divulge. Completely understand.

Originally Posted by JJ87

"You could say "Look, we would really like to continue this, but we're really uncomfortable about your wife not knowing - either get your relationship with your wife to the point where she agrees with this, and we can meet her, or get yourself to the point where you and she aren't married any more. Then we can really see where this can go. Until then, we really need to stop doing anything that is cheating."

Yes, our choice. But I will not ask him to leave his wife.

Ah but you see I'm NOT suggesting that at all.

The way I see it, there are two choices:
1. Carrying helping him lie and cheat to his wife, who has the expectation that their relationship is monogamous.
2. Take actions to resolve it - his choice (not yours) between sorting things out so he is open with his wife, or ending the relationship. Either way this is saying "we will not tolerate cheating, or help you to cheat - up to you how you sort it out.

Continuing to support the cheating usually ends in major grief, because very VERY few people can hide this forever. And when it does all come crashing down there is always some collateral damage. This will more than likely be you guys.

Originally Posted by JJ87

We do need to cover a lot more ground rules and what we will and won't tolerate.

And maybe you should think of hitting a big "Pause" button on this until you HAVE got this worked out in your minds....

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by JJ87

I want a poly life. It won't be with him unless he leaves his wife or is totally up front with her. I won't ever ask him to do that, tho.

And this begs the question - why the hell not? As long as you condone his lying and cheating, you are as guilty of participating in his wife's betrayal as he is. How can you so easily disregard the pain and deception you are causing her? Is your sex life and getting your jollies really more important to you than treating another human being with decency and respect? Guaranteed, this will come back to bite you in the ass.

Lying and cheating is not polyamory. It is not ethical non-monogamy. What it is, is purely selfish.