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  #1  
Old 07-23-2012, 08:40 AM
Luke Luke is offline
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I recently started dating a guy(Jaye) online(yes, I am gay), and right off the bat he explained that he was already married, but that he and his husband(Troy) were looking for a third. I said I would give it some thought, and in the meantime get to know them both better. I've since fallen for Jaye completely, he is so sweet and caring; and Troy and I are a Lot alike, we share many of the same interest and hobbies, I've grown attached to him as well.

Sorry if I ramble, I have a tenancy to do that when I am nervous, and in the interest of full disclosure I think it may help.

I have only ever dated one guy(Adam) before, another guy I met online, and quickly after meeting him I realized our relationship would be rocky: he was bipolar, easily upset and would get jealous over nothing(not calling him often enough for example). I gave him six months to woo me, which turned into a year, then 18 months....and by the end of it I just wanted it to end, he was so possessive, suspicious and I felt like I was walking on egg shells around him all the time. I ended it by telling him we could only ever be friends, and he hasn't spoken to me since.

Its been well over a year since then, and I've been looking for friends and maybe something more when I met Jaye a month ago. At first when he told me what he was looking for, I was wary, but after a month of getting to know him and Troy, that initial sense of wary is almost completely gone(save for one .... rather large bit I will explain later).

I've always been a fairly closed person(my friends in high school described me as "shields up all the time," mainly because they didn't know I was gay and that my high school was Very homophobic) and in a way, I grew comfortable that way; then I met Adam. It was like a the jar had been opened and emotions and feelings I had bottled up for so long were released and it felt amazing; and then our relationship started to fall apart and my "shields went up again."

I've since moved away from that repressive environment(2,000 miles away, from Michigan to California) and tried to express those emotions again, but the result was....disappointing and discouraging; there was just no one there whom I could open up to without feeling embarrassed or holding back. Even with talking to other guys, even going out with one, that embarrassment is still there, that fear of opening too much was still there.

I don't feel any of that when talking to either Jaye or Troy, in fact, when talking to them, I am more open than I even was with Adam, its like together, they can see into my heart, and can caress my fears and insecurities. I really, Really love them.

What they are looking for isn't an occasional third in bed or some one I would date exclusively while the other dates him as well(described as a V from what I've read), they want a full Third partner, someone they can share in everything with; completely monogamous between the three of us.

Now onto the rather large problem... If they lived down the street or across town, I would be there with them now, and likely wouldn't be here at all.... but they live in Louisiana, and they want to stay there. My concern is that moving across the country(again) would strain the somewhat tried relationship I have with my family. In moving to California, I cut ties with my mom's side(and good riddance too....they wanted to send me to a gay camp in Haiti), and moved in with my father. Now moving again, I am not sure of what the fallout would be, even if there would be any at all.

I currently have no job, so I could get one there if needed, but school is something that worries me greatly; my father has been amazing, more than amazing, paying for me to go to a local community college for 2 years now, and I haven't exactly been perfect in my appreciation. If I uproots and leave, especially for 2 guys(he is very traditional, but open minded: two gay kids and one who is dating a guy in D.C.), I am worried what that might do to him; but on the flip side, I am fairly sure I can work, and work Well with Jaye and Troy in La., and it would give me something I feel I have always lacked: an ability to contribute in taking care of myself and others.

Jaye and Troy have asked me to visit in September for 2 weeks, so we can get to know each other deeper and what exactly our relationship would be like. They have made it clear no strings are attached, and I am resolved that I want to visit them, but it is what happens afterwards that concerns me.

Be honest, be brutal even, in your responses. The reason I ask here is because if I asked in most other places, I would likely get the "dating Two guys.....wtf?" response and all that would result is wasted time. So, thank you in advance for your help.
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  #2  
Old 07-23-2012, 09:36 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by Luke View Post
They have made it clear no strings are attached, and I am resolved that I want to visit them, but it is what happens afterwards that concerns me.
In your shoes I wouldn't even think about making any decisions until you've not only visited them, but also had time to properly sort out what you're feeling afterward. I'd be worried about making expensive decisions while I have stars in my eyes. For example last year a young friend of mine fell in love with a slightly older man and moved interstate to live with him. Less than six months later—after shipping all his stuff across the country twice—he's back here again after finding that it wasn't true love after all.

Something else to watch out for would be Unicorn Hunting behaviour as shown in the Unicorn hunter flowchart I seem to be linking to a lot lately.
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:12 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is online now
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Hi Luke

Well, that's certainly an exciting story! Good things could very well be around the corner for you.

That being said, I agree with Emm... I'd really advise taking things as slowly as you can.

I'm not sure if I missed it somewhere in your post... how long have you known them online?

If this helps... I can tell you my story in brief? It has some similarities to yours and I'm about 1.5 years in.

I met my girlfriend online too. I randomly met her last March and was definitely not looking for a relationship. I didn't even really know what poly was at the time. My girlfriend had a husband and whilst they weren't looking for a Unicorn, they were open to it. Like you, this was all new to me.

We fell deeply in love and I met her in person for the first time last October... so what's that, about a 6 month period of knowing each other online.

However, I am from England and she's from California... so had we actually lived in the same country, or even the same state, I'm sure I would have met her more quickly. Perhaps after about 3 months.

Like you, I was a little cautious, a little curious and a lot excited

The first visit in Oct was just a week long and went well. I then spent three months living in Cali from Feb-May this year. That went fantastically and now I'm trying to move over to the US.

The distance between you and your couple is obviously a lot shorter than my distance, so I'm not saying "wait 6 months".

Two weeks in September would probably be a decent amount of time to see how things click in person.

Until then, I would try not to get carried away with the idea of moving in with them permanently.

My girlfriend and I had a wonderfully tight, close relationship. It is very spiritual, very different to my others. But moving in for three months was a massive challenge. The first month was rocky, as we navigated our way around living together as a V and discovering poly. Even when mono people move in together, it can be a stressful time of change, as well as a wonderful experience.

Incidentally, if this helps you... I jumped off my career train to move to Cali. And I haven't got a visa yet, so I'm literally just travelling back and forth every 3 months and doing bits of work in England in between. My family all worry about my future, etc, and think that I am being a naive 27 year old. I personally think that this is my life and I'm currently living it exactly how I want to live it. I've weighed my options, rather than diving blindly in, and for me, it's worth the risk of what happens if it doesn't work out.

Do you want to stay at college? Do you have any sort of lifetime goal? Would leaving for LA derail you in any way, or is this the kind of opportunity you need? How old are you, by the way?

Sometimes I think there's nothing wrong with taking yourself on a different path. I don't like to live in a linear way. I like to grab opportunities and experiences.

Some people in their twenties go travelling for a few years before settling down into career life. I think you have to take the experiences that you want - it's your life and you only get one of them.

As for your Dad, his kindness and also his expectations... why not have a chat with him? Tell him about these guys and he might surprise you? My Dad is similar to how yours sounds - he's not exactly attending Pride marches, but he's open minded and supportive. It took a little getting used to and a lot of confidence in my decisions from my part, but he is no longer phased by the fact I want to move to another country, have left my career, have no solid career plan and that my girlfriend has a husband.

Since your Dad seems to have helped you out, it does seem fairer to discuss these things with him, so that he doesn't feel completely unappreciated if you suddenly leave everything he's helped you to build.

Bottom line for me is... don't rush in... relationships can grow in amazing ways, even at a very long distance... meet them in Sept and see how that goes... consider a longer trial of a few months if that goes well, before you move properly... and talk to your Dad
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  #4  
Old 07-23-2012, 01:27 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I'm in agreement with the others. Visits are in order here. Never move to a new city or state blind. Who they are online is not the same as in person. Every major relationship I have been in started out online so I know. I married the last girl I met online and I never looked back but I still had to meet her before I trusted her.

Don't do something foolish that you may come to regret. Your dad has been there for you, so make sure that when you move out its for the right reasons.
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  #5  
Old 07-23-2012, 04:07 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luke View Post
I currently have no job, so I could get one there if needed, but school is something that worries me greatly; my father has been amazing, more than amazing, paying for me to go to a local community college for 2 years now, and I haven't exactly been perfect in my appreciation.
Relationships may come and go. You will be with yourself forever. Are you the person you want to be?

Start showing appreciation for your father. Start considering what sacrifices he may be making to pay for your school. Is he independently wealthy or is he struggling and scraping to help you out? Who else has helped you out in the past and have you shown appreciation to them? Have you finished school? What is your major? Where do you want to be in ten years? What are your plans for a job and taking care of yourself?
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Old 07-23-2012, 07:16 PM
Luke Luke is offline
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Again, thank you for the responses and advice everyone.

@Emm; I've been thinking, after the visit, I wait around a few months, maybe go visit them again, but they want me to move out there a little quickly, and there is somewhat of a deadline for me to move out there(The community college they go to starts registration in early January) and missing it would make me feel like I was kinda mooching off them. I don't want to do that, but at the same time, I am worried it will be too fast and that I will disappoint them if I delay.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place it seems; on one hand, common sense, take things slow; on the other hand, my desires, feelings and theirs....whats the ideal balance so I don't screw up....ugh, I may be getting overly stressed over this.


@sparklepop; I am 21, 22 in Oct. I want to stay in college, but one of the feelings and issues I have with my dad is that I am not exactly a perfect student and feel like I am not doing good enough for him.....on the flip side, if I start supporting myself, well, that would somewhat solve that dilemma....somewhat. I do have a lifetime goal(geek time: invent Warp Drive) and going to La. would not derail it, hell, its already been derailed with my rejection to Stanford and Berkeley(the best places here for it), so I think maybe starting again somewhere else may help. I would also like to try the military, Troy was in ROTC for the Marines before he injured himself, so, both he and Jaye are supportive of me looking into it, even joining.

As to my dad, I have talked to him a little, but there is that father-son intimidation, and in comparison to his achievements, and my plans, I just don't know how he will react. He is Independently wealthy(Patent attorney, a good one at that, Apple is one of his clients), so its not like I was a huge strain on his financials, but he did take me in after all the BS in Michigan, flew me across the country on short notice, got me enrolled in school and even taught me how to drive(something my mom refused to do).

My main worry with him is that he is accepting of my being gay, my younger sister is gay(and our youngest sister is dating a guy in DC), but I don't know how he will react to me dating two guys. I've told him about Jaye, and my plans to visit them, but I haven't gone into details other than "I met a guy online, he wants me to visit" which isn't exactly a lie, but is a half truth. I am fairly sure he will understand me not filling him n completely, but I worry about what he will think of me with two guys, and what it could do to our relationship....I just don't know how to even bring it up.


@WhatHappened; I have my shortfalls, everyone does, currently its with my poor performance in school, my rejection from Berkeley(more so than Stanford, I've always wanted to go to Berkeley) and my inability to find and hold down a job(few references, little experience, odd schedule, and some other BS that is getting taken care of). I have been showing appreciation for my father, but it hasn't been perfect: I fight with my youngest sister, I am not exactly a great help in the garage(my dad's man cave with his motorcycles) and I feel like I've disappointed him with my rejection from a 4 year college.

In 10 years, I see myself doing one of two things: Serving in the military(probably Navy or Air Force), working on aircraft; or working in my own workshop, designing new technologies and inventions. The latter is the ideal, but I understand the military is more practical, at least at the moment and near future. My current major is Computer Programming, but I applied to Berkeley and Stanford as a Physics and Engineering Major, both of which are helpful with a computer programming background.

If I did move to La., Jaye has connections within the local gay community, many of which own businesses, and I have a friend who lives there(happy coincidence, I've known this friend much longer than Jaye) and works in the movie industry, she assures me they are constantly looking for extras, making it a semi-good "in between jobs" job. Plus a few weeks of that could support me while I look for a more permanent job. Its not perfect, but around here, there are no "in between jobs" jobs, everything either requires experience or a background check(that BS I mentioned earlier generally disqualifies me); the One job I've had since moving here was working at a Christmas Tree lot from November to January last year for a local charity, and that is my One good reference.

I want to make it clear that I am not doing this for a reset, I wouldn't even be bringing the subject up if it weren't for Jaye and Troy, this is for Them.
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Old 07-23-2012, 07:42 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Luke View Post
but they want me to move out there a little quickly, and there is somewhat of a deadline for me to move out there(The community college they go to starts registration in early January) and missing it would make me feel like I was kinda mooching off them. I don't want to do that, but at the same time, I am worried it will be too fast and that I will disappoint them if I delay.
Do not rush into this.

Two men wanting you to hurry up and move halfway across the country to be with them shouts RED FLAG BEWARE!!!! to me.

There are way too many stories out there of men walking away from their marriages of 25 years to be with their True Love They Met on the Internet Who is a 5'10" Busty, Blonde and Beautiful 25 Year Old...only to find themselves meeting a guy named Bob at the airport.

Okay, I'm being facetious. Well, not really. On the infidelity forum, this exact sort of thing HAS happened.

Who cares about disappointing them? Worry about your own future and safety first. If they're for real and genuinely care about you, they'll understand that you can't just toss everything and move in with two guys you met on the internet.

And I have to ask...don't you live in California now? How is it that you can get work as a movie extra in Louisiana but not in California? I'm at least relieved to hear it's a long-term friend (someone you know IRL?) who told you this information, but I would still say do not rush into this and check everything out carefully before you make such a major move.

If these people care for you, they will be entirely behind you taking your time to really get to know them, to consider your education, family issues, present job and future career possibilities...if they truly care about you, they will care about how this move impacts all of these things for you.
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  #8  
Old 07-23-2012, 08:36 PM
Luke Luke is offline
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Alright, I will take things slowly. And no, you aren't being facetious, you are being Practical and Honest, which is exactly the reason I came here for advice.

Also I live in the Bay Area, not LA, hardly any movies or TV shows are being produced around here, and those that are aren't looking for large numbers of extras. Jaye and Troy live in Shreveport, and I've heard from multiple sources that it is almost as bustling as Holywood when it comes to that sort of thing.
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