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Old 07-22-2012, 11:58 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by lace3232 View Post
I came here also to find out why people need someone other than their spouse in a romantic way. I don't get it at all.
Some of us are naturally disposed to more than one romantic relationship.
From the time of 1st grade, I remember always always having two people that I thought I was "going to marry" and later, was "in love with".
1-3rd grade it was Jeremy & David.
4-6th is was Micah &Jesse.
7th was Scott & Ben.
8th was Marko & Alvin.
9th-was Alvin & Andy.
10-11th was Andy and Derek.
After graduation was
Andy and Kim,
Chris and Kelly.
Now its Maca and GG.

GG is exacxtly the opposite. He didn't fall in love until he was 18. That was me and at 36 years old, that hasn't wavered or changed one iota.

But, part of loving me is accepting me for who I am-and that means understanding that I do love more than one and I always will.

It's not easy-but it's reality.

Much like if you fell in love with a man who was gay or bisexual, you would have to accept this facet of who he is.

I can't speak for your husband personally. He may be legitimately polyamorous-and in love with you both, but struggling with the details of being upfront and open.
he may just be an asshole who is getting his rocks off.

No idea.

But-either way, he isn't monogamous.


I didn't quite figure out the details of the baby. But, if you are feeling bonded, maybe it's a good time to take that little one out on your own, rent a hotel and spend some one on one time getting to know the little one for who they are personally, not who they came from.
Each of our children is a complete individual in their own right. Sometimes its hard, especially when they are babies, to see that. Especially in a society that tries so hard to connect the dots with "mama's eyes, daddy's nose" comments.
But, getting to know their individual personality will help you separate them from the rest and build a relationship with them personally.

I have 3 of my own. The oldest was hardest, she's the spitting image of her father, who left me when she was 2 months old. But, she's so much my daughter! It was hard those first few months, seeing his face every day. But, as I focused on her own special intricate quirks, I found myself loving her more and more.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 07-23-2012, 12:04 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by lace3232 View Post
I don't like to think I'm weak but I guess I am if I go by everyone on here.
For the record I don't consider you weak at all. If I have given that impression, then I apologize.

Originally Posted by lace3232 View Post
the only low self esteem I have is that I can't seem to make my own husband happy with just me.
If I may say so, this is a reaction I have seen many times in so-called mono/poly relationships. The idea that if you were somehow MORE or something, then he wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

It really doesn't work like that with a poly person - no matter who you were, if he is poly, he will be capable of loving another. Please don't beat yourself up on this issue - check out other posts on here that have tags like "monopoly" and you will see the sort of thing I am talking about.

Originally Posted by lace3232 View Post
I came here also to find out why people need someone other than their spouse in a romantic way. I don't get it at all.
That is a very hard question to answer - a poly person can't explain it any more than they can explain why their eyes are blue. It just IS, there is no reason, particularly.

Originally Posted by lace3232 View Post
I want to fill the void that she seems to fulfill.
That is a fools errand - why are you trying to be all things to him? You will not succeed, and you will go insane trying.

I can try to trot out all sorts of analogies - I did that when I was trying to talk to my mono partner about how I felt. None of them gained any traction, mostly because the answer was always "yeah, but this is different".

I suggest you do some reading about mono/poly relationships before you discuss too much with him. This may prepare you a little for the sorts of things you will be hearing and hopefully make you realise that you are far from alone dealing with this.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:37 AM
Kella Kella is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 14

I don't have any practical poly experience to contribute, but I have two children and I do know that newborns and toddlers have a huge impact on relationships and inner life -- in fact, both times, I didn't really get my normal/sane/sexy/balanced self back until baby was about three. Mileage will vary on the timeframe, I expect, but I know that in the year(s) after each baby's birth I wasn't even coping very well with a standard mono relationship despite the fact that RugbyMan is my best friend and a good guy and hot and all that. It just isn't easy for everyone to bounce right back after pregnancy and birth and having an infant/toddler in the house.

I guess what I'm saying is don't judge yourself for how you're feeling right now, Lace. Personally I don't think I'd recommend experimenting with poly and coping with a baby at the same time, but given that it's already happening, just remember that you might not feel as strong and together and loving right now as you once did or as you will when your baby is older. There are a lot of hormones and stuff to deal with, not to mention lack of sleep -- it will pass. I'm not saying you'll feel differently about monogamy/polyamory but you will feel able to process the issues more confidently and cope better with taking steps toward the future you want to have.

And if you think you might be dealing with some PPD, even minor "baby blues", please talk to your doctor/midwife!
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Old 07-23-2012, 02:29 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Posts: 172

Re read the reply you wrote to me where the first word is "Snowmelt". That is you being defeated or down.

Re read the reply you posted that starts with something like "I don't like to think I'm weak" - or something like that. That is you being defensive, which is UP compared to defeated.

The difference between these two replies (one is up, the other down) is part of your own personal up and down cycle. The one you complained about as never ending. Do a search on the term codependence. Study it.

Part of what is fueling this cycle is the fact that you want monogamy from your husband, and he doesn't want to give it to you. That means monogamy from him is unavailable to you. You have chosen to stay even though you are very unhappy about the whole thing.

I think part of the reason you started this thread is to try to get someone to come to your defense. You want someone to say to you: "Yeah, you should be enough for him". I also think you're choosing to stay because you want to give yourself time to change him back to being monogamous with you.

A person with high self esteem would be able to look at this situation and be able to see clearly that monogamy is not available to you from him. That same person with high self esteem would be able to decide if she can be happy with him knowing he wants to be with others, leave to find someone who wants monogamy, or stay and find someone else who will share you with him.

Based on the fact that he wants other women, these are the only choices available to you. Choosing to stay in a situation that doesn't work for you, because you want the time to change him back to the way he was, and complaining about your situation ( and any "progress" or lack of you think you made with him) one day and being defensive about it another day is the behavior of a person with low self esteem. My words to you are not a judgement, criticism, belittling or anything of the sort. My words are an observation of the facts, as you have described them with your own words, spoken to try to help you see what I see.

Coming to your defense by telling you that you should be enough for him, would be me stepping into your drama. I'm not going to go there. I'd rather try to help you by telling you what I see.

The up and down cycle you have going on doesn't have to be you in the future, but it is you right now. This cycle is inside of you. Its yours right now. I'm not making this stuff up. Re read your own words on those two replies.

LovingRadiance described the choices available to you really well in her post that starts with "No one can". I think it starts with that. She's posted twice so far on this thread. One of them is the one I'm talking about. Should be easy to find.

So, stand up, breathe deeply, look at your life, proactively decide ( from the available choices) what you want for you, and start making any changes that are necessary. If you catch yourself being defensive or complaining, try to step out of that. The answers to the question "what do I really want" won't come from a defensive or complaining place. They will come from a calm, centered, contemplative place.

Last edited by snowmelt; 07-23-2012 at 08:01 PM.
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Old 07-25-2012, 03:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It seems to me that everyone in this situation needs to grow the hell up.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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emotions, love vs. sex

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