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Old 07-21-2012, 01:23 PM
Idaho Idaho is offline
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Default New here, and a question

He there!

A little about us, I am C and my hubby of 12 years is J. We started out about 5-6 years ago as "swingers" we met and "played" with a few couples. Then we met our "main couple" 5 years ago and ended up being in a closed group with them. Fell in love and life was great. They have kids our kids ages and it made sense to the kids to "have sleepovers" because they lived far away.

In Jan their marriage started having trouble, we decided to pull back a bit to allow them to work solely on their marriage and then we could "play" again after that. As we decided early on our independent marriages come first. Then our "play time" comes second.

They ended up getting divorced because he was cheating on both of us. (its not that he wanted to go outside the group, he hid it from both of us and lied to us) So, long story short we kinda fell apart!

I personally am having a bit of a hard time deciding if I want to get back into this hard core again or what I want to do. I've told J that I need to take a break and be monogamous for a while until I can clear my head.

J and his girl (the fem from the failed marriage) disagree with me that I do not want them seeing each other for right now until I clear my thoughts, however they are both agreeing to not see each other. (Its really upset her though)

I feel bad, however if I am not honest with all about my feelings then it will not be a good situation either. I've been over any jealousy I had early on for a LONG time (like 4 years!) however with her being newly single and frankly a bit needy (she always has been, she drives me nuts with it!) I am having jealousy feelings again because now shes wanting to be monogamous with my husband and I do not understand why that's bothering me so much.

I wondered if it was feelings of "revenge" because I got hurt, but I do not feel that way. I am free to go out and seek another if I want.

So, any idea why I feel like I feel right now?

C
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Old 07-21-2012, 05:56 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello C,
Welcome to our forum.

I can see why you would need to take a break, after all the drama. It's not unreasonable to ask J and his girl to give your feelings a chance to settle before they get any further involved. Just, maybe you could give them a timetable or some rough idea of how long to expect? or you could plan to sit down after a month or so and decide where things are.

I think you're just a little rattled right now. You'll probably start to feel better after awhile. Sorry to hear about the cheating; I can see your point about the dishonesty being the worst part.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-21-2012, 06:22 PM
Idaho Idaho is offline
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Thank you for your reply.

I think that is a good idea about sitting down after a month or so. I might do that. Thanks for the suggestion.
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Old 07-21-2012, 06:28 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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No prob; good luck; let us know how it goes.
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Old 07-21-2012, 09:36 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I can definitely understand why you would want to calm down and take things slowly.

However, it sounds like your hubby and the lady in question are deep into a romantic relationship - that's very hard to just switch on and off on a whim (or a demand from someone else). It could lead to resentment building, which in the long run will make it even more difficult to get things sorted out and with added drama. She is probably feeling a lot of hurt because of her lost hubby, and can definitely use the people that she got used to relying on (and had fallen in love with).

I would say putting a moratorium on his other relationships should be an absolute last resort, because of the hurt that it will bring to both of them.

Do you feel that there could be a way for them to keep their relationship going, maybe in a modified form or something?
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Old 07-22-2012, 02:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Idaho View Post
(its not that he wanted to go outside the group, he hid it from both of us and lied to us)
That rather implies that he did want to go outside the group; he just had no idea how to tell you. It's sad that he didn't feel comfortable bringing this up, sadder still because now his actions have broken up what sounds like quite a functional, happy group.

Quote:
I am having jealousy feelings again because now shes wanting to be monogamous with my husband and I do not understand why that's bothering me so much.
Weeeeell, it's only a problem if he wants to be monogamous with her as well. I sound flip about it, but really, polyamory at its heart means that your husband doesn't have to choose. Him being her only partner does not negate him being partners with both of you. I'm "single-plus" right now and I certainly don't expect anyone to give anyone else up for me.

I think you've just been through an intense breakup. If I understand you correctly, you weren't involved with the woman of the other couple, just the man; his leaving, especially in that manner, is a blow. Naturally you won't bounce back like so much elastic.

Give yourself time to heal, but do remember that perhaps the other woman's way of healing is to cling to the people she has left--and that includes you! Will working on your friendship help you see her as less of a threat? She'll be adjusting to single motherhood now; you might bond over the children, if you like.

xoxo
C.
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