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Old 07-21-2012, 01:40 PM
Obsession Obsession is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
Default New and Confused


New here and have quite a story to tell:

I guess its best to start at the begining. I've been with my current boyfriend for 5+ years. We've been pretty monogamous for the most part with the exception of one swinging event which had been with his ex. ( Im Bi, and she was a cutie)

From day one my boyfriend told me that he was a swinger, and polyamarous. I was naive and just nodded and smiled. And did I forget to mention I was a virgin prior to getting with him? So never had sex before, and low an behold in a full blown relationship.

The rules of which were never set. And ive always been the non-jealous type. I assumed this meant should he want to pursue another female he would as long as he comes home to me I didnt care.

Until recently I didnt quite understand how anyone could be poly. I assumed love was bounded into one person. I could only love my boyfriend and would love him regardless of if he wanted other girls.

But he has yet to look for another girlfriend while with me..


Lets get a little more current.

About 6 months ago My boyfriend started in a band. He became the drummer for the band and I routeenly went along to his practices at the lead singers home.

All the band members would meet up there and jam for the evening.

And while I got along well with all the band members...

I started feeling quite the attraction to the lead singer almost instantly.

It isnt one sided. Ive been told before by the singer he loves me but cares enough to not wanna put me in a bad position with my boyfriend.

Over the course of the 6 months I have grown close to the singer while my boyfriend ( the drummer ) grew more and more disillusioned with the band. Now my boyfriend has quit the band and while the singer wishes to remain friends with him, my boyfriend has admitted more than once to me his dislike for him.

So when I broke down and admitted what I was feeling, and the fact I wanted something more with this singer I got met with a very cold and angry reaction. ( He almost walked out on me because I admited this. )

I never once said I wanted to leave my boyfriend for this man. I love my boyfriend of 5+ years very much. But I've learned how big my heart is and have established to myself that I am polyamarous.

Why is it alright for him to believe in poly, but turn around and tell me I cannot be this way with the one person I feel such another strong attraction for. its become very painful for me.. I love my boyfriend very much, but I feel he is forcing me to repress a part of myself now..

He told me " I wouldnt care if was any other man but HIM" but I do not believe him. Hes already admitted he expects me to be poly with another woman but since he isnt bi and doesnt like men he doesnt want me getting other male lovers.

I dont agree. I think you cant help who you fall in love with ..

But now this has turned into an obsession..

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Old 07-21-2012, 02:32 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284

The grass is always greener on the other side. My wife and I have had many arguments because one of us wants to be involved with someone and the other gets envious and wants to say no but knows that it's not right.

If he's truly polyamorous, I believe he would be alright with you seeing other men. Being worried about what gender you date because he might not get to have sex with one of the genders sounds more like a swinger problem. Poly people don't always share partners and it's naive and insulting to the third person to think that would always be the case.

It sounds like you're both in need of a long conversation with ground rules and boundaries. Don't pursue the singer until you've worked out what the two of you are willing to do. Does he get veto? If so, this singer is out. Do you get veto? Can you see men? Are you going to want a V, a triad, an N, or some other mish mash of partner relationships?

Unicorns (girls that are single and will be with the both of you) are as rare as the mythical beast they are named after. So keep that in mind.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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Old 07-21-2012, 06:14 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,988

Hi Obsession,
Welcome to our forum.

Sorry to hear your boyfriend is giving you a hard time. It does sound like he is being a little hypocritical. Maybe if given time he will come to a more reasonable state of mind. Try to ask him what he would need in order to be okay with this. Sometime when it is a good time to talk.

It's always possible that you may end up having to make some hard decisions, but give it some time first. Take advantage of the many threads and interaction this site offers.

Glad you're here.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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