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Old 07-24-2012, 06:07 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Frankly, I am at a loss as to why you tolerate her and her disrespectful treatment of you. You don't need to support her offspring just because you're in a relationship with her now. If I were you, I'd pack my bags and seek a more loving, giving, less drama-prone person to be in relationship with. Seriously. You may love her, but love is not enough to be satisfied and happy with a situation.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 07-26-2012, 08:18 PM
thedoubtfulguest thedoubtfulguest is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5

I agree that her behaviour hasn't been respectful of me. I think I would be a lot more unhappy if we weren't together though. She is important to me and I have always felt protective of her. From the beginning of our relationship, I have played the role of 'rescuer' and 'fixer of problems'. I think the fact that I'm FTM made me, in her eyes, a 'safe' man to be with. That's all kinds of messed up but there you go. I want to stay and I want to take care of her. I'm just very lonely and feel like I'm shouldering this responsibility without anyone to turn to for love and support. I think I'm probably looking to S for some love and a bit of comfort and respite from the storm.

I spent a long time composing an email that explained exactly how I felt about L and him and our baby and what I wanted. I told him how ambivalent I felt about impending parenthood and how I still felt that the child was really his son/daughter more than mine. Amongst other things, I told him that I would like us to be good friends/family in the future and that I would like it even more if he wanted to explore whether there might be potential for a romantic relationship between us. I really spelt out everything that I've been bottling up. I felt very vulnerable and exposed but I wanted to be completely honest.

I sent it in the early hours of Friday morning. By Sunday, I'd had no reply so sent a facebook message saying basically 'Hey, I'm a bit worried that you haven't acknowledged my email. Does your silence mean you don't want to talk about it?' to which he replied immediately and said that he'd been quite busy but that he wanted to take his time and send a considered reply.

It's now been nearly a week without a reply. I feel like I'm holding my breath, waiting for him to cast judgement. He doesn't have a lot of demands on his time at the moment and has found time to chat to other friends. I feel hurt that he hasn't taken 10 minutes to compose a response. Am I being needy by expecting a reply already? If someone had opened their heart to me like that, even if it was someone I didn't care for at all or even disliked, I can't imagine leaving them hanging like that. I feel hurt.
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Old 07-26-2012, 08:42 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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One I'd keep in mind that the reason he's found time to "chat" with other friends, is because it's just chatting. The response you are waiting for him to have with you is heavy, weighted, and big, and there is a lot of stuff you asked him to address, it's not simple at all. (edit - do you really think considering how long you took to write your email, he can come up with a response in ten minutes?)

Yes it would be nice if he'd get back to you, what a lot of stress to wait! I'd just recommend giving him space, and try to distract yourself through the weekend, if he hasn't gotten back to you by Monday, I'd check with him again.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 07-26-2012 at 08:45 PM.
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Old 07-27-2012, 04:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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You are in what I term "Hang Time at the Forge."

I'd take this (while torturous feeling to the soul bucket) as a GOOD sign, because he respects you enough to NOT give you some flippant off the cuff answer about your suggestion to paradigm shift his Life Trajectory. He's not saying NO WAY, JOSE! He's actually having to think it out. The answer from his mental committee might still be no, but this is promising to me. When things are considered, other things have hope of being negotiated. So... tiny yay in the bigger UGH of Hang Time.

So Breathe, breathe, breathe in hang time. He's gonna need his own mundane hanging out time with friends after you have put him into Orbit in his Mind Bucket with your Biggie Boomerang question.

Masturbate if you need the hit of feel good endorphins to hold ya and tide you through in the body bucket/heart bucket.

Prepare yourself for the next chess move in the mind bucket.

Shine your inner light in the soul bucket as hard as you can even if it fucking BURNS.

You are trying to grow your heat big enough to own and encompass all this crazy mess and recast it and rebirth it into something for the Forces of Light for the sake of this unborn child. That's an impressive one to grow and pop out -- so hell YAH! There's gonna be fucking labor pain! Hang in there! Hang, hang, hang in hang time. But BREATHE.

I've done and my spouse is a computer programmer.

It's one of those "If then else" loops, and you need to know your recursive loop counter before the exit.

You have put out the "IF"

He's preparing his "THEN"

and maybe if your mind bucket isn't exhausted, start thinking about the ELSE to negotiate. I put it out in 3 -- the "good, better, and bestest" or "my ideal, happy medium, and I can live with" and hope to take it to the mat in Negotiation time.

Did you put it out in 3's? If so, think about those now to be able to offer.

And I don't know how long your limit in "Hang Time" is -- what's your recursive loop counter there before you have to drop and move on to making decisions without his input? Cuz you can't live in Hang Time for A CENTURY. Real life time is not God Time -- so... what the real time factor here? The Pregnancy Progression Clock is already ticking. This is what you have to balance against.

I think it is too soon to want an answer in the Meta bucket, even if the soul bucket is squirming. You are asking a Life question, you want all your buckets fed - mind, body, heart, and soul -- and fed well. And he needs time to investigate his temperature on this in all HIS buckets. So wait in hang time. Do him that respect as he respects you enough to give it serious consideration.

I'd expect to Hang Time at the Forge for a good while, but not ridiculous. You don't want a full plan, you just want a buy in yes or no. You can do that much and then crank out details later if he's up for it. So... few weeks?

The prob is you need some aftercare from birthing that huge seed thing Idea out of you. And you don't know what happens next just yet. If you need to touch base with him -- just put that out.

"Thanks. I appreciate you taking time to consider seriously. I know it is a big thing to put out there. Take your time, but just do me a favor and check in like in a week? Just so I know I'm not abandoned here. I feel vulnerable. I feel better about that if you tell me "Yup. Still working on it, Did not forget!"

How can we aftercare you here online? What nurture/support do you need in Hang Time?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-27-2012 at 04:33 AM.
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:25 PM
thedoubtfulguest thedoubtfulguest is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5

Thank you - that helped a lot. I'm trying to do that and use this time to sort out my head, heart and spirit rather than see it as dead time.

We have had a conversation. Things are still very much in limbo. He's been able to say what he absolutely doesn't want and what is still within the bounds of possibility but which might require a lot of talking and soul-searching for him. So, I have something to work with, as it were.

We're going to aim to schedule time to talk regularly and see how things go, both in terms of seeing how he might fit into baby's life and also whether we might be potential partners. This seems positive to me. It's just difficult knowing how this is meant to work when I have no mental template for this sort of relationship. Straight, mono romance is choreographed by all the millions of representations on TV and books and cinema - no-one ever taught me the steps for the queer, poly dating dance.

L is being nice to me but is pretty much focused on impending child to the exclusion of almost everything else. I suppose that's understandable though.

Thank you for the words of support - they've helped a lot. I'll let you know how things go.
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