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Old 07-19-2012, 05:27 PM
noob noob is offline
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Default feeling sexually exclusive but I'm poly

Was wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I have been in a secondary relationship for half a year. I feel no need to have other physical partners. I am married to someone else, though, which makes this a problem. My husband and I have other issues, too, and I've posted about them before (communication issues/lack of emotional self-awareness for him; my impatience with that and our inability to resolve his jealousy issues because of my impatience) so that may be a factor in my comparative lack of interest in him sexually...my husband and I are still intimate but less frequently than before. When we do it, I do enjoy it, once I can get past the weird feeling that I am having sex with someone who is not my boyfriend. I know that sounds strange for a poly person...

The reason I think it's not just my relationship problems with my husband that are behind my feeling exclusive with BF is that I don't feel the need to date or anything, either. Not much sexual interest in existing partner or prospectives leads me to believe this is a general feeling of sexual exclusivity, probably the kind of thing that monogamous people feel?

Incidentally, this is how I felt about my husband when we met, too: I felt that he was "enough" and I didn't have a need to be with anyone else sexually. At the time, since we were mono, I took that as a good sign--I had never felt that for anyone before, and that feeling made it easy to be sexually monogamous, which had never been easy for me before I met my husband. Fast forward 9 years: I have the same sort of feeling about my boyfriend, but we're poly, so it seems like NOT A GOOD THING. Funny: very same feeling--in one context positive, in another context not.

I actually explained this to my husband in these words for the first time last night, which helped me feel better, but still doesn't answer the question of what to do about our relationship. I don't think this feeling of sexual exclusivity is or will be permanent, I do believe I am poly and can be poly, but at the moment I don't feel very poly. At least not sexually. Does this happen? What do people do about it?
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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The first "hit" I get from reading your post is that you are just not happy. Whether poly or mono, if you were feeling more positive and joyful about your life, you would be exuberantly and excitedly engaged in your relationships, and wanting to be with your partner(s). But your post paints a picture of someone who is very dissatisfied (with your home life and marriage, but maybe even just life in general?). I felt sadness come over me as I read it. So, perhaps it is time for you to look at creating more satisfaction in your life and finding ways to be happy, regardless of whom you diddle.
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:14 PM
noob noob is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The first "hit" I get from reading your post is that you are just not happy. Whether poly or mono, if you were feeling more positive and joyful about your life, you would be exuberantly and excitedly engaged in your relationships, and wanting to be with your partner(s). But your post paints a picture of someone who is very dissatisfied. I felt sadness come over me as I read it. So, perhaps it is time for you to look at creating more satisfaction in your life and finding ways to be happy, regardless of whom you diddle.
True, too. I'm at a career crossroads and many other things remain open questions at the moment, and I know all of that contributes to how I feel in my relationships. Very perceptive.
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