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  #81  
Old 08-21-2013, 03:30 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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On the other hand... maybe I should just sit back and let things keep going as they are and not try to analyze it for now? I really don't know. Maybe he genuinely doesn't know how he feels or what he wants yet. I mean, we've only been seeing each other for about two months, and we obviously click very well. That would kind of fit in with what his Domme friend said... maybe he's interested in more but just worried? I really don't know if I should try to pin it down and talk to him about things or just wait and enjoy how things have been going.

This is the kind of thing I don't have experience with anymore. I've been married for so long that I'm used to just talking about everything. Maybe this is the kind of thing that you ruin by forcing it if it's not ready? I really don't know.

Guess I haven't quite squelched my dreams yet...
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  #82  
Old 09-02-2013, 05:51 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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So I wound up having that conversation with E after all. We were cuddled up in bed after he made me a nice dinner (naked, of course) and just relaxing and chatting before we felt less full enough to have sex! It was a natural progression that just happened based on the way we were talking.

It was hard. He told me that he really likes what we have, he enjoys time with me and doesn't see me as a casual thing, but he also doesn't think that what we have is going to go to the kind of relationship where we fall in love. He also says he is not looking to be owned at this time. It was hard to hear, but it was good to know at least. It's easier to be gently disabused I suppose, but it still hurt. I wasn't sure how I was going to react. I told him that I honestly didn't know what I'd want to change about our relationship other than that the loose parameters leave me feeling uncomfortable at times about how to behave (with regards to D/s) and he said he could understand that. And, well, now I know that if I want something it has to be prenegotiated since he is not going to be mine. So no discomfort, just a little sadness.

I was actually surprised by how well I took it at the time. It was a really open and heartfelt discussion and I still felt close to him afterwards even though I was sad. We wound up having awesome sex that evening and cuddling at night. Then the next day, we did some pretty intense kinky play and it was still okay.

I keep reminding myself that what I have with him is pretty much exactly what H wants me to have. E and I are friends who enjoy each other's company, we have great sex, and kinky play without the really messy emotional part. And it's good! I enjoy it. I'm clearly still interested in seeing him and spending time with him. But I feel like something's still missing, so I don't know. I really want a relationship that leads to ownership. And I don't have time for more than one outside "real" relationship, or interest frankly. So I don't want to throw away something I really enjoy just for a possibility. He and I discussed that and he said he understood if I would have less time for him, and I told him I really don't want that either and that I don't think I'll look, but that I am going to be open to it if something finds me.

I tell myself that if nothing else, here is a way for me to gain kinky experience. And I really do like him and enjoy his company, and his pussy licking is bar none. I know I had already had that warning a month ago... but with the way he's been around me lately, I didn't know if things were different. What we have really is intimate and close, and he told me he didn't see us as casual. But obviously, it's not quite what he would want for something more intense.

And fair enough. I just haven't gotten past the regret and sadness that this is all it's going to be yet.
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  #83  
Old 09-10-2013, 12:01 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I'm still working through the process of being okay with the way things are between me and E. I spent a lot of time in that stage of just being frustrated because he is just what I want, but I am clearly not what he wants. So lots of wasted time just wishing things were different. And of course, the hurt and pain of being rejected.

I still feel wistful, but I'm really trying to appreciate what I do have. And I clearly know that this is pretty awesome, because I still am surprised at how well I managed during our chat. If I'd had to predict, I would have assumed I'd cry and be a mess, and that would have ended our nice evening. Or that things would have been negative somehow. I felt weird when I woke up the next morning but it ended up being okay, and I still enjoyed the time I spent with him.

I'm still really not all that clear on what I am to him, but I do know that he likes spending time with me, and that'll have to do for now. He is coming to visit me this coming weekend, the next weekend he and I are going to a kink party, and the one after that is his birthday and I told him I made plans.

Will there still be awkwardness? Maybe. I don't know how I'll feel when I first see him again, and if my ease and comfort level around him will have changed. I suspect it will, but then again I was wrong once already.

Either way, what I have with him is still pretty fucking awesome. I know a lot of people would be delighted to have an open minded kinky partner, a fantastic lover, and at least some level of friendship and personal intimacy.

I wish he could be the full package... but I am at least open to the possibility of being able to accept and enjoy it for what it is. I don't want to walk away- I really enjoy this relationship. It's a shame that I am time limited, because I'd like to keep him in my life and then perhaps get lucky and find a submissive who wants the same ultimate goals that I do, and then both have the desire for each other to pursue it. But, I can't really do that. I have space in my life both timewise and emotionally for one secondary relationship and that's just about it.

And for now, that's okay. I don't want to give up something that's real, that brings me so much pleasure, for a whim or a possibility. I haven't closed myself off to the possibility of running into someone who wants the same things that I do, but I have it pretty good right now.

There's still that tiny piece of my heart that reminds me it's only been two months and perhaps in the future he would be open to the possibility of being collared... but I am trying very hard to squelch it. That isn't fair to him, and it will only hurt me.
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  #84  
Old 09-16-2013, 08:21 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I'm trying to continue giving myself reality checks, but sometimes it's hard to keep reality sorted out.

What I have with E is so fucking awesome. Seriously. How could I even be thinking of giving it up? I like hanging out with him. I love sex with him. I love kink with him. I genuinely like him as a person. So why can't I just enjoy that for what it is?

We were together this past weekend and it was absolutely incredible. Mindblowingly amazing. The sex... the kink... his level of attentiveness and service towards me... and just laughing and hanging out. I really felt like my cup runneth over. I couldn't have been much happier this weekend no matter what happened.

It's just so confusing for me at times. The intimacy between us is really intense for me. He'll touch and cuddle with me in nonsexual ways. Or he'll gently kiss my neck during sex. All the little things that just make me feel like this is so much MORE. And yet, I know that he doesn't want our relationship going that way. It's hard for me to describe but it's just so amazing and confusing all at once.

I'm falling in love with him. I know this means I'm leaving myself vulnerable and eventually heading for heartbreak since this isn't what he wants. But I can't control my heart. I just know I need to keep it to myself, despite the fact that I think he already knows.

I'm trying to just stop overthinking it and enjoy what I have, because it's pretty fucking amazing. There isn't much I would change about our relationship even if he did want to be in love with me, so I'm going to try and let go a little bit and just relax and go with the flow. So far, it's just been so good. I don't want to give it up even if he'll never wear my collar.

Maybe one day the pain will outweigh the happiness... but for now, I'm going to go with it until it doesn't fit me anymore. At least I have my eyes open this time.
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  #85  
Old 09-17-2013, 12:25 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Are his being in love with you and being collared inextricably linked for you? To me they seem like independent questions, and I wonder if they are for him too. What if only one of them was possible - could you accept that?
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  #86  
Old 09-18-2013, 12:23 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Are his being in love with you and being collared inextricably linked for you? To me they seem like independent questions, and I wonder if they are for him too. What if only one of them was possible - could you accept that?
Yes, I could accept that; they just happen to be two things I very much want. But at this point, it doesn't seem like either is an option with him, given the talk we had.

In my case... I can't see collaring a man that I don't love, or at least have very strong emotional attachment to. It's just the way I'm wired. I find power exchange to be extremely intense and the deeper we go, the more so it is. If he didn't love me but we had a strong dynamic, I think I'd still be okay with a collar, and if he loved me but didn't want to be collared, I would definitely be okay with that.

I know that he's been hurt in the past. His ex wife collared him and she abused him heavily. He's had secondary relationships where he was used and thrown away. I honestly can't blame him for being gun shy about something serious. I also know that he wants more face time from a secondary relationship. His primary partner lives in another state, so while I go home happily to my husband, he goes home alone. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot I can do about that. Neither of us drives, and we're about two hours away from each other by bus. Right now, I am able to give him about 2-3 full weekends a month. We also text daily and stay in touch. It's not really possible for me to give him much more contact than that given that he works full time and I have a small child.

So I can intellectually understand his reasons, and that's assuming there isn't something else about me personally, which is of course a possibility.

Where it gets hard for me is that when we're together, it's absolutely perfect. I honestly couldn't be happier. If we hadn't had that talk, I would swear he felt about me the way I do about him. It's just all the little things... and I feel like the level of physical and emotional intimacy is so intense and loving.

He knew that there was a risk I would walk after we had that talk, and he was prepared to accept that, so he isn't blowing smoke- he genuinely doesn't want things to get that involved, at least at this time. He knows I only have time in my life for one secondary relationship, and if I happened to find someone compatible who wanted the same things that I do, that I wouldn't have much time to see him anymore. So I know that I have to keep myself under control, take a deep breath, and try to just enjoy the now. This may never become what I want it to so badly, and I have to be okay with that. It doesn't stop me from hurting a little, though.

I ask myself if I'm repeating the same thing that I did with L; accepting something that doesn't work for me because I got attached. I really don't think so, because at least this time I have my eyes open to the possibilities, and because when I'm with him, it just feels so right; I'm happy.

I just have to be careful of that damn little voice in the back of my mind that keeps wondering if maybe a few months down the road, he'll see that I'm not like the other women who have hurt him and want something more with me. That's an easy road to heartbreak. I know I need to just focus on now, and enjoying time with him. No commitments, no obligations. But when we're cuddled up together and falling asleep... it's really hard not to want more from him.
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  #87  
Old 09-24-2013, 03:47 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I spent this past weekend with E, and it was really nice as usual. I'm already feeling a drop, though. It's hard when it's good not to think beyond the moment, but I'm doing my best.

The little stuff is just still so good, though. It really makes me happy. We had gone to bed for the night and the light had been off for about ten minutes. I rolled over to my other side, and then he leaned over and kissed my shoulder before rolling over himself. It just made me smile and feel good.

One day at a time... until either it doesn't work, or the pain hurts more than the happiness. I have to get past the wishing for things to be different. I'm kind of feeling stuck there, though. I just don't want to let go of those dreams.

I am an idiot, aren't I. Yes, that's rhetorical. Sometimes I wonder how I can have such conflicting emotions about all this, because I am so fucking happy when he and I are together, but the sadness always comes back. I want more. I can't have more. Do I need to write it out 500 times by hand before it finally gets through my head?
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Last edited by Vicki82; 09-24-2013 at 06:27 AM.
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  #88  
Old 09-30-2013, 12:35 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I visited E this weekend to celebrate his birthday. We had a really lovely date weekend. We didn't really have the chance to do any BDSM play (no privacy) or make a lot of noise in general, but there was lots of talking and cuddling and kissing.

It seems like the drop is hitting me faster and faster, though. I'm wondering if that means that I really am just kidding myself about this relationship meeting my needs. But then I ask myself, what would really be different if he told me he loves me? What need would that fulfill? I certainly have the "feeling" of being loved, because if we hadn't had that conversation I'd think he felt the same way I do. But, he doesn't. How much should that matter? I'm really happy when I'm with him.

I still definitely wish we had a more formal D/s relationship. There's still the little stuff, because when we're together he naturally falls into the more submissive role and defers to me. And that's pretty awesome. Although I love it when he's in a cheeky mood, too.

I pretty much love everything about spending time with him. So why do I have this hollow feeling now?
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  #89  
Old 10-07-2013, 11:41 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I came home from a day with E to a bit of a disaster. Apparently I screwed up. I knew H had been feeling a bit under the weather, but I didn't realize he was as sick as he was. E was hosting a dinner party Saturday to celebrate his birthday, since most of his friends weren't available last weekend for his actual birthday.

So, poor H was on his own looking after our child, who apparently had one of those days from hell. H was royally stressed out and pissed because he felt like I was putting my "other life" ahead of our family. He admits that he is likely overreacting, but he was very upset today, to the point of asking if I'd stop going to kink parties for the rest of the year.

I had a really hard time with that. I love my husband very much, but I don't want to give up going to these parties. I am a stay at home mom, and I don't have much social contact- this is what gives me my downtime. I explained that to him, and he said he wanted me to show him that he comes first. I told him I would be happy to do my best for that. I won't be going for the next few weeks anyway because we have family stuff every weekend until November.

He admitted that me asking for two weekends a month isn't unreasonable but I can see right now he is hurting. I felt blindsided because I wasn't expecting to come home to a hot mess when I just went to a dinner party. Clearly there's some stuff there that we need to talk about. He says he didn't realize there was something bothering him, but because of his work he hadn't been home for a month and had only been back for 5 days, so we hadn't really had time to reconnect yet.

It's just a giant clusterf*ck. Sigh. My head hurts. At least he's made it clear that he doesn't expect me to go back to being monogamous, because he knows that isn't something I'm willing to do anymore. But right now I'm sad and lonely and hurting and exhausted.
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  #90  
Old 11-08-2013, 03:49 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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So H and I had several very long, open conversations. Apparently he's been seriously depressed about his job and he's been keeping it to himself because he didn't feel able to verbalize it. He's been doing a damn good job of hiding it too because I didn't realize it was as debilitating for him as it is. He finally came completely clean with me and told me he is reacting badly because he feels badly about himself and so he interprets everything in a negative way right now.

My heart aches for him but I know that this situation is beyond what I can do for him other than loving him and supporting him. I'm just glad he could finally tell me what's wrong.

He says that I can continue seeing E and my kink friends because he knows how important it is to me and how much I need it. Which is good, because I don't know what I'd do if he'd try to set a boundary there. We have a small child and I don't want to divorce, but I know I won't be happy in a vanilla monogamous relationship. But fortunately, I don't need to borrow trouble because he respects that.

He is fragile right now though. We're taking things one day at a time and I'm doing the best I can to be there for him.
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