Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 10-03-2012, 12:45 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

Once a week is about what I got from my casual sex guys where there was no real connection. I would definitely not be okay with that kind of frequency from L, or at least, I would dial back my emotions to FWB, which is not something I want to do. Honestly, I am not sure I could without ending things completely. It's well past that for me emotionally.

I hate LDR. I always said I would never be in one. When H and I were young, he wanted to go spend some time helping out in a third world country. I told him that I thought that was admirable, but that we should break up because I would not be happy in a long distance relationship. I thought this would be different since I have a primary relationship with my husband, so it's not like I get no touch or affection when I can't see L. But it's been harder on me than I thought it would be. I wish I could see him more often, but the times we are together are generally worth the frustrations in between. It's been four weeks now and this is about the point where it starts to hurt more.

I didn't go looking for one this time, either. L was supposed to be a one night stand. But things don't always go the way we plan, and he makes me very happy. Despite the trouble I'm having dealing with the distance, I'm glad he's in my life and I want to keep him there if he wants to be. And he says he does.
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.


Last edited by Vicki82; 10-03-2012 at 02:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 10-03-2012, 05:40 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default Copying a post over for reference

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
Seems like a tough situation for you emotionally. *hugs*

I think you need to take a bit of a step back. I see that you feel very strongly that his relationships are his to manage, and you don't want to affect them. You don't want a say in what he tells his sub and you don't want to affect the DADT in his marriage. The relationships are separate entities, and as long as you are happy in yours, the rest is his to manage. Is that correct? If so, I interpret it to mean that you have little influence/power when it comes to his other relationships, and you want it so. That is okay, and a valid place to be.

But why is it then that you worry so much about what you might cause to happen in the other relationships?

With power comes responsibility. If you have power to influence, you should use that wisely, and you should be concerned about more than yourself.

But you don't have/want power to influence. If you want to let him manage his relationships, let him do the work of managing the relationships. You focus on you.

Right now he is having his cake and eating it too, at least when it comes to your relationship (and by the sounds of it, at least with the sub as well). He gets to do whatever he wants, and you have/want no say in it, but then you worry about the consequences. Doesn't that seem messed up?

You are not responsible for his other relationships going well or going badly, especially if you have/want no influence.

If you ask for what you want, you aren't directly causing anything. Do you see that? He has choices to make. He has chosen to be in multiple relationship. That means that sometimes he may have conflicting commitments. He is responsible to manage that, not you. He also has a choice if you ask for something. He can choose to say yes or no. If what you ask for is something that will affect his other relationships, he needs to take that into consideration, and answer you accordingly. You don't need to pre-emptively worry about that. You aren't responsible for his other relationships. But you need to be true to yourself to be happy.

Are you sure part of your motivation in not asking what you want isn't coming from fear that if you do, he will say no? Fear of finding out just how much (or little) of a priority you are to him and how much (or little) he cares about you?

I can totally understand that. It would suck to find out that he doesn't care. But doesn't it also suck being with somebody who doesn't care and not knowing that? Or being so afraid to ask that you never get what you need and end up miserable, even though had they known about it, the other person would have been happy to do it?

I have a hard time asking for what I want, too. And most of the time there is fear in the way, that's why I'm suggesting it. It can be fear of abandonment. For me it's fear of not being accepted/understood as I am. Anyway, the first thing is to admit the fear, and the second is to face it. It's really a choice between misery and potential for happiness. You can sometimes even find that what is making you miserable isn't in fact not getting everything you want, but the fact that you can't express your feelings/wants to your partner. I.e. sometimes you feel better for speaking up even if the other person says no. Other times, it's a dealbreaker for you, and you have some difficult choices to make. You might still feel better, though.
I wrote a reply but the internet ate it. Second time around is never as good but I'll do my best.

Thank you for this post. It gave me a lot to think about.

I've been having trouble sleeping because I have been pretty upset about everything.

This is my first poly relationship. Any time in the past where I have developed feelings for a new man, I lost my desire for my current partner. That didn't happen this time. So I am sure I am making lots of mistakes just because I don't know how to handle the situation. I know I am; early in my relationship with L, I thought that I needed to keep things light and fun and drama free otherwise he wouldn't want to spend time with me. So, that's what we did for a few months. But you can't fit a square peg into a round hole, and we developed feelings for more. Actually, he thinks they were there right from the start. We had a discussion and he said he thought you could have good sex, or sex with no emotion, but not both. I said that we had good sex the first time we were together, and he said that it wasn't without emotion and I couldn't tell him that because he knows better. And I think he is right about that- we had something right from the start. He told me that relationships come with the messy stuff and it is what it is. He's always demonstrated that he cares about me and my feelings. But obviously, this wasn't the best way to go about having a relationship. Of course, I was trying NOT to have a relationship at that point!

Last night I was thinking to myself that asking him to acknowledge me on FetLife would solve both of the big issues that are bothering me. The honesty issue would be taken care of de facto because she would see me on his profile, so he'd have to talk to her about it. And I would get the validation I want so much for our relationship.

On the other hand, I can see his side of things. I still think he made a mistake by not telling her about us early on, but I can kind of see how it snowballed given that it wasn't supposed to be anything. And this is going to cause him a lot of extra stress if he tells her now, which he really doesn't need right now. And I'm not sure that this is something I actually NEED, or if it's just something I want right now since my needs aren't being met by him. It didn't really matter to me before all this external stuff started because he was giving me what I needed from him, so it didn't matter to me if he was keeping me a secret. I don't want to be selfish about something minor if in 9 weeks it won't matter to me anymore.

So I'm not really sure what I want to do. But my feelings keep shifting day by day so I'm just going to try and sit on it for a while. I don't think I'll be hearing much from him over the next couple of days anyway since he is now sick on top of everything else so I won't have to pretend everything is okay when it's not. But on the other hand, I certainly don't want every conversation between us to be a heavy, loaded one. That really isn't fun and I wouldn't want that either.

I know he cares about me. I also know that right now, I am a pretty low priority. It is what it is. There are other things that are more important right now and I understand that. He's married and has responsibilities. If I don't like that, well, I'm married too right? At some point he has no more to give and I just have to suck it up. Time is a finite resource and so is emotional energy.

Sometimes, things really are complicated and I just don't know what to do.
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.


Last edited by Vicki82; 10-03-2012 at 06:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 10-08-2012, 12:57 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

L really is making an effort to connect with me the way I need. It has made so much of a difference in how I'm feeling. Does it still hurt that we haven't seen each other in 5 weeks and it will be longer? Fuck yeah. But at least I feel more secure and happier about our relationship.

I asked him for more phone calls when he's driving home from work at least, and the very next day he texted me and asked if he could call. Unfortunately I happened to be unavailable then but I really appreciate that he tried! And he made time for me to talk about the stuff that's been bothering me.

I feel a lot more comfortable than I did a week ago. I feel like my trust and comfort level are back to where they were before. I feel full of love again.

So I didn't get what I wanted... he said that FetLife wasn't the place for our kind of relationship since it's not about kink, and that he keeps his sex life private. I can understand that. He says the reason he acknowledges his sub there is because it's obviously a kink thing. I told him that I think I was asking because I felt like I was unimportant to him after reading that blog post about exclusivity with her; that if she was meeting all my needs, he wouldn't want me. He made it very clear to me that I meet different needs from her and that he loves me.

He also made me feel better about the fluid bonding thing. He told me that the issue hasn't arisen for them, and it's not something he is considering anyway, that he only does that with me. And maybe I'm not being cautious enough, but I believe him. What am I saying, I have never really shown great judgment when it comes to him. The connection between us was so intense that before we met I was fantasizing about going bareback with him. And I've never been interested in that with a casual sex partner before (which was all I was looking for at the time).

So I guess despite the distance, he is making me feel more like a priority, which I really needed. I am feeling more like I have the capacity to be patient and wait, hard as it is when I want to see him so much.

Things are also better with H. My mom took our son for the weekend so we could have some alone time (not because of this, it was preplanned), and we had a wonderful time. It was like how life was when we were dating We went out to dinner on Friday night and flirted and just felt madly in love. Yesterday we went out for dinner (with a nice bottle of champagne) and a movie. It was just so nice.

Today kiddo came home and we had a nice Thanksgiving dinner. So all in all, things are looking up
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.

Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 10-09-2012, 02:18 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

It's funny how someone can tell you something over and over, and then finally it clicks in your head and makes sense even though you thought you understood before.

Someone posted this on another board I'm on and it just felt so poignant to me. "In the end, it's not the amount of time you spent together, but the quality of it. The best relationships could be only a few days or a week, and even that, not everyone is lucky enough to find it. Enjoy NRE, treat each other right, and let the rest of the story fall into place."

Even when I'm sad that I'm not seeing L, I have to remember that what we have is really special. I've had very intense chemistry with only a few men in my life. And they are all still in my life and very dear to me, whether we still have sex or not.

Maybe sometimes people do come into your life for a reason, and you need to treasure it. It's not all that common not to fight for it when things are tough.

I can only hope for many, many more days with both L & H, but in the meantime I can just keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have not one but two wonderful men who love me in my life.
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.

Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 10-12-2012, 05:56 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

Things have gotten a lot better with H and I as well. I am really proud of how far the two of us have come as a couple. When we met, we were just kids; I was 18 and he was 19. Neither of us had any idea how to handle a serious relationship, but we were drunk on love and damn well were going to do it anyway.

And it was awful. We had some terrible fights and said horrible things to each other. Any little issue would become a possible relationship ender because we just let things spiral out of control. Honestly, I'm still not sure why we didn't break up a dozen times in the 2nd-4th years of our relationship. First year of course was still the honeymoon phase.

Then in the fourth year, we got married. Something changed almost immediately. I can't really describe it. It's just like we instinctively KNEW that we had made a permanent commitment to each other so we had to change the way we related to each other in a fight. So, we started learning. We still had the occasional horrible fight, but it got a lot better. We learned to be nicer to each other, and to try to be fair. I wouldn't say our relationship was great then, but it got better.

Yesterday morning, we had a brief but ugly fight. We both took some time to cool off, and in the evening we went and sat on our couch and cuddled, and talked about our feelings. As usual, the reason we were fighting was that we were misunderstanding each other, and since we're both under stress and tired right now we allowed our old patterns to come back into play. When we thought about it, we realized we hadn't had an argument like that in more than a year. We just don't do that anymore. We've gotten so much better at communicating that we work on clarification rather than assumption.

So was the fight ugly? Yes, but it was literally less than ten minutes, and we handled it in such a productive way afterwards. It helped us both realize how far we've come and we agreed that we're proud of ourselves. We made our favourite dinner and cuddled up to watch a movie afterwards. Good times

H thinks that we just got lucky to have our relationship survive this long that we got to a place where we are really and truly happy with each other and getting our needs met. It's true that most couples who fall in love as young as we were don't work out, because they lack the same communication skills that we did. I still think that we each saw potential in the other to become what we have become now, and decided it was worth the investment. Did we get lucky? Hell yes. But I think we earned it, too.

I have a wonderful husband and I love him more than anything.
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.

Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 10-13-2012, 07:53 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

I did a bad, bad thing And now I feel awful, so I am trying to work out my feelings.

I'd actually been feeling pretty good lately. L and I hadn't had a lot of time to talk, but I was still feeling loved and valued so I was okay despite the fact it's been nearly 6 weeks since we've been together.

Then, for whatever reason, I did something bad. Why the fuck did I do it? I knew exactly how it would make me feel and I did it anyway. L's sub has her personal journal linked off FetLife and I haven't looked at it except once at the very beginning of L telling me he was seeing her. At that point I knew it was going to hurt and L suggested it was probably better that I not read it anyway. So I haven't looked at it since.

I still don't know why I felt the urge to do it today. But I did. And now I hurt like hell and I want to yell and scream and cry. I'm here because I want to actually try to work through my feelings rather than just be a big crying mess. What I really want to do is go upstairs to bed and cry. But I have my son home and can't really do that.

They saw each other FOUR times this week. That explains why I haven't been getting much time from him this week. And she wrote about an hour where they just lay together and cuddled... but no, I couldn't even stop there when I already felt like a mess. I had to see that they had their MFM when her fiance was in town. The one thing I had really wanted to do with him first.

So now I don't know what to do. I'm trying to calm down and remind myself that multiple relationships means that nothing he does with her takes away from what he has with me. He loves me and that's what matters. And it's not like he could have seen me on those four nights anyway because of the distance.

But yeah, I hurt. And I still feel like crying. And I'm sure he's going to be disappointed when he finds out I read her journal because their relationship is not any of my business and nothing is different from whether I read it or not so all it's doing is creating more stress. And public or not, I am violating his privacy.

And now would be a really awful time for me to tell me that I need attention from him because the renos are causing stress between him and his wife and the last thing he needs is crap from me too. So I recognize the need to just be supportive right now and wait, but that's hard for me.

And then I still have this thought worming up that I am glad that he got to see her and have some pleasure because I know things are really shitty for him right now and he deserves it. But it hurts that we can't be together right now and there is still so long to go.

Maybe I'm not cut out for poly. I'm sure as hell not cut out for LD. And this time I created the problem all by myself. In fact, there really isn't even a problem except in my head. He didn't do anything wrong. So why am I hurting?
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.


Last edited by Vicki82; 10-13-2012 at 07:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 10-15-2012, 11:53 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

Still feeling a little messed up but I think that has more to do with not sleeping well than anything else. I'm actually proud of the way I managed my emotions the other day. I did not allow my negativity to snowball and ruin my day at home with H and son. I did not go and crawl into bed and cry and hide. I did email L and ask for generic reassurance that doing stuff with me is still special even if he does it with someone else. I haven't yet told him that I read her blog but he wasn't around all weekend. Hopefully we'll get to talk sometime soon. He did email me last night and tell me he misses me and he's sorry he hasn't been around.

I do a lot of thinking when I'm in bed and I figured I'd jot down a few of the things that were running through my head. I'm the kind of person who will replay potential future conversations in my head over and over and then sometimes never have them. But they do give me courage and help me figure out what to say when I do.

So how did I feel when I read those blog posts? Well, as is probably obvious from my last post, I got completely flooded and irrational. A big wave of negative feelings just overwhelmed me and I couldn't handle it. After I wrote here and was able to calm down a little, I tried to pick through everything and that made it a little less upsetting.

My first reaction was just a huge amount of envy. It doesn't matter that she is local and I'm LD when I'm not rational. I just feel sad and frustrated that she can see him three or four times a week and I haven't seen him in six. I want what she has, very badly.

And that led to insecurity. It's been a long time. The more time you spend with someone the more connected you get, so is it that unreasonable that I worry that his connection with her will deepen while mine gets more tenuous? He said to me in a chat recently that we meet different needs, that I am not the kind of person for a D/s relationship and she is not the kind of person to fall in love with. But what does that even mean??? He's told me before that he believes he can love many women but only be in love with his wife. So how exactly is this supposed to be reassuring? I know he has feelings for his sub.

Then I did feel some good feelings that things haven't been as shitty for him as I'd thought they'd been. Not that I ask a lot but when I did, he tells me he hasn't seen her in a few days. I guess I was asking at the wrong times.

I'm still sad that he had the MFM with her first. He told me months ago that he wanted to do it with me first. I'm sure he doesn't even remember. And of course I wouldn't expect him to turn down an opportunity to do something he really wants when who knows when we'll see each other again. But it still makes me sad that we didn't get to try it for the first time together. It takes away some of the specialness for me.

But, any rate, I might be a little down but I'm okay, and that's what matters. I'm glad I didn't dump all my flooded mess on him and instead worked on it myself, since I'm the one who made it.
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.

Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 10-16-2012, 04:06 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,269
Default

I was struck by a couple things after reading your last few entries. I was thinking about conversations I had with my wife about "specialness ", "firsts", if there was or should be anything that we "keep just between us".

My question ...has your husband expressed some of the things that have you all twisted up with your Bf.


Also what will happen if and when your husband reads this blog or the other thread just like you read the BF's stuff and Sub's blog ?

And with the strict DADT in place I take it your husband was not going to be invited in the history making 3some. Was he aware of the plan ...and the person who would be getting the honor's ?
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 10-16-2012, 04:20 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

Thanks for commenting. I appreciate knowing that someone is reading and might have some insight for me.

My H and I are not DADT. L and his wife are, and yes it's strict. My H prefers I keep the emotional details to myself, but we talk about L sometimes, often in bed. The intent was to have MFM with H and L. I don't think that anything could be better than having hot threesome sex with two men I love, who both love me. That sounds totally incredible. Both tell me they are up for it. They're both straight but we discussed potential contact and they aren't too worried about it; but it's going to be all about me H and I have had some incredibly hot intense sex with him telling me what it will be like when L is there with us, too.

If we do it, anyway. I do still have some vestigial negative feelings about L doing it first with his sub. He and I talked last night and I told him what I did. Unsurprisingly, he wasn't too happy about it, but I apologized for violating his privacy and told him I wouldn't do it again. He told me I have some stuff mixed up in my head and that's probably why I am so out of sorts. He tells me that he doesn't see her nearly as often as I think he does (like every two weeks, not multiple times for week), and that he categorizes it almost like a relationship of convenience. He says it's for kink and sex; it's not love like what we have.

I just wish I could see him. I think that would help a lot. 6 weeks and counting.

I don't have to worry about H reading a blog. Not only is he not the message board type, but he and I are pretty open about discussing issues. If he wanted to read it, there is nothing here I would be uncomfortable with him seeing. He would prefer not to know details about my emotions for L, so I doubt he'd come here even if I told him where it was. He knows I am in love with L and that L loves me. He knows L is an incredible sex partner. But he also knows that I love him and my life with him, and that I'm not going anywhere. Last night while I was chatting with L on IM, H came upstairs and cuddled with me in bed. I told him that I was talking to L but only for about twenty minutes more and then I'd be all his. He was fine with it and stayed for a few minutes with me.

On the other hand, L might find this at some point. I don't know if he would go looking for it, but I'm not going to send the link. If he does, I doubt he'll read anything that I wouldn't tell him. I've been trying to keep that promise I made to him to be completely open and honest about things, so it's not like there are any secrets here. It sucked telling him that I read his sub's blog because I knew he'd be upset and I felt awful about it (both reading it and the act of reading it), but I didn't want to lie to him.

H is seriously not the jealous type. Just not something that bothers him. He struggled a little when he had to actually see that I am in love with L since I got so messed up a couple of weeks ago, but he tells me he is fine now. I have done my best to continue to feed his security and lovedness, and to remind him that I am still the same person I was before. I think that has helped a lot.

H and I haven't had a conversation about specialness and stuff, and I guess I didn't think there was anything we should keep between us. So I don't know why it's bothering me about L. It's not that I didn't want him to do it with her at all. I just wanted us to experience it as a first together. Actually, that is the reason why I want H involved in the MFM I think. I do want us to experience that as a first together. I had wanted it to be all three of us... but now I can't have that.
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.


Last edited by Vicki82; 10-16-2012 at 04:26 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 10-17-2012, 03:09 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

Vicki, I feel for you. I've done things like that (reading stuff I know I shouldn't - it's not really snooping because its publicly out there, but you KNOW that the info will be disturbing or hurtful, and you still do it! It's the main reason I'm not FB friends with my one lover, MrBrown. I don;t see him very often, which is his choice, not mine, and follwing his activities on FB would be torture for me. But I have been tempted... )

You say that you don't know why you did it. I think it would be good to examine the reason behind the action.. look deep inside yourself and try to figure out why you did it. Is it jealousy? insecurity? a way to connect with him because you haven't seen him for so long? Only you can find the answers, and I think they could be useful in dealing with what are obviously issues in your relationship with him.

I have to say that this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Then I did feel some good feelings that things haven't been as shitty for him as I'd thought they'd been. Not that I ask a lot but when I did, he tells me he hasn't seen her in a few days. I guess I was asking at the wrong times.
worries me a little (mostly in combination with the fact that he sort of asked you wether you had read his blog, lately.). Is it a possibility, in your mind, that he lies to you? Even if this is only a subconscious fear, this could be the very reason you looked up her blog.. to look for confirmation of a possible lie.

There are many aspects about this relationship that are not the way you want them to be. I think that your reading her blog was maybe an attempt to gain some control, through getting more information about him and his life, the life that is taking place without you.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:05 AM.