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  #31  
Old 08-29-2012, 02:59 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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LD sucks.

So I said f*** it all. I'm at the airport ready to get on a plane to see my lover for 14 freaking hours overnight at a layover point for him.

Call me crazy, but I'm in love, and I miss him.

Good thoughts, please.
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  #32  
Old 09-06-2012, 02:00 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Who do I ask to move this to the blog section? I guess it is more suitable for there. I don't have to see it as an obligation... Guess that's more in my head. But maybe we can change the title to Vicki's Journey.

I am really glad that I went to see my lover. We wound up being together for two days, one at the beginning of his trip and one at the end (I had friends in the layover city and just stayed there).

The first day we mostly talked about some of the tough questions. Unfortunately our relationship is evolving and we have less control over it than either of us like. When we first met, his work took him to my city at least once a month for an overnight, but now that doesn't happen anymore. He also got promoted, so he's been insanely busy with work stuff, and their social life has been busier than ever on weekends. And the biggest issue is that his wife has a serious health issue and she is going for a checkup in a couple of weeks. Obviously if her check doesn't go well, he is going to need to spend more time at home. We've already been seeing each other less because the summer was so busy, so it's tough to think that we're going to get even less F2F time.

I know that I struggle with LD. I always swore I wouldn't do it. Physical touch is my strongest love language, and being apart from him for a long time makes my heart ache. Our communication has always been intense, since we talk every single day for hours, and that has helped our relationship deepen, but the lack of physical contact hurts me. I was really struggling over the 7 weeks between our last get together and wondering if I could even sustain the feelings or would I start to draw back emotionally because of the pain.

So now I find myself in this situation. L was supposed to be a one night stand... but we knew before we met it wasn't going to work out like that because we both wanted more. And we thought we'd get at least once a month via his work plus the occasional weekend when we realized we had feelings for each other. Now that may not be possible. And as a result of his wife's health issues, he doesn't have any idea when he'll be able to see me again. We really can't make any plans at all. It breaks my heart, and I'm in the exact situation I always swore I'd never been in. Although at least I have H, so I am not just pining away alone. I am sure I wouldn't be able to handle that.

So we saw each other last week for an overnight in a hotel, and we had sex but did a lot of talking. I didn't really feel like I resolved anything in my head because I still had a lot of the uncertainty, but at least we cleared the air and I let him know what I was thinking. I told him that I wanted a real relationship with him, that I want him to see all of me and not for me to hide whatever I think the bad parts are away. And I told him that I knew LD would be hard for me and asked for some things that I knew would help. In addition to all the other stuff he has going on, they've started a pretty big home renovation project so I know his talk time with me is going to go down quite a bit too, and I've been struggling with that.

I didn't really feel like it was much of a resolution after that, and for the days in between I was wondering if I'd been right to come. But fortunately I was able to stay long enough to see him on the way back, and it made a lot of difference to me.

We had only 12 hours together again, but it was one of the most wonderful nights of my life. I think that in my heart, I never truly believed that he loves me. I know I have issues with self esteem and perhaps I view myself as fundamentally unlovable, which is ridiculous since I have a happy loving marriage with my husband. But there it is.

But Monday night... the emotions in the room were palpable. We made passionate love and it was one of the best nights of my life. We cuddled afterwards and when he held me in his arms I just felt so content and happy. It was just perfect, every minute. And in the morning, we didn't have sex but just did a lot of cuddling and touching.

At the airport, we were both heading to different destinations but my flight left later so I sat with him at his gate until his flight was called. We couldn't really touch there even casually because we were in his hometown and didn't want to run into anyone who knew him (he's not "out"). When his flight was ready to board, we did hug and kiss goodbye before he left. He sent me a text from the plane apologizing for leaving so quickly but he didn't want to cry. I felt the same way. It hurts not to know when we'll be together again.

But how can I walk away from this? I know it's going to be hard, and that it's going to hurt. But he is really important to me, and I love him so much. Every time we're together, it's like all the sadness from the time in between just melts away. I smile when I'm talking to him and I'm happy just being with him. I can't let him go just because it's going to be tough sometimes.

It hurts that we won't be able to see each other often enough to do the kinds of fun things couples do. I would like to just hang out with him and do some platonic activities too, and spend time being friends (other than online). But that just isn't going to happen if we only get a weekend together every month or two; I'm sure we're going to go straight to bed and not get out. So I've been mourning that loss because I know it's not something he can give me in his current life situation.

And my deepest fear is that his wife is going to get a very negative report at her check up. I want him to be happy and to have a good relationship with his wife. I know having a sick spouse can take a big toll on your life. And of course I know his priorities would shift and I don't begrudge him that. If the roles were reversed I would expect him to understand that my family needed me. But the thought of losing him for "external" reasons breaks my heart. It's possible that he might have to end things and that is really scary to me.

For now, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and enjoy what we have. He promised that he is still going to make time for me even when he's busy, because he wants to. I am not an obligation but a desire. And he really made me believe it that night. It really was a wonderful night and I just have to hold it in my heart until we are together again.

Last edited by Vicki82; 09-06-2012 at 02:03 AM.
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  #33  
Old 09-06-2012, 02:29 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Post to a mod here?

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=23

To get it moved to blog area?

GG
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  #34  
Old 09-15-2012, 01:36 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I am feeling very lonely and fragile tonight. I don't know how to deal with my sadness.

It's really hard being involved with someone who is already married, even if I am married myself. I know my lover has so much going on in his life right now but it is still difficult to deal with. We used to talk very day for hours... now it's maybe an hour a day of emailing back and forth casually, and he is usually multitasking to boot. No chance of Skype or telephone calls right now. It hurts, and I really don't know how to deal with it.

Right now, my lover has worries about his wife's health, on top of a recent promotion at work that has significant additional responsibilities and required time, plus an extensive home renovation project that he is mostly doing alone. And his other girlfriend is very needy and demanding of his time, so there isn't much left for me. He warned me that this month would be tough, but I didn't realize it was going to be as hard on me as it has been.

I feel like I am only getting the scraps, and really, I am. But how can I ask for more when I know he really doesn't have any more to give right now? He has no free time for himself at all and I know the pressures are really getting to him. The last thing I want is to be more of a burden on him. I have been trying so hard to be supportive of him but I am lonely and it hurts so much. The long distance things is also making it tough because we see each other in person so rarely and it's much easier for him to find an hour or two to see his local girlfriend and have no time to see me since I am three hours away. I feel like we need that intimate connection of at least talking since we can't see each other and I'm not getting what I need.

I know he loves me, and intellectually I know the answer is probably that I just have to tough through the rest of this month and then see how things go, but emotionally it is really hurting me. And we have promised total honesty with each other but I feel like telling him how I feel about all this would only hurt him and to no good purpose since he can't change anything.

I don't know what I am going to do if nothing changes in October. Some things will be done, but if his wife's health deteriorates obviously things will be different, as they should be. But where will that leave my relationship with him? I love him so much, but I'm hurting. Useful comments and advice are always appreciated.
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  #35  
Old 09-15-2012, 02:29 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Perhaps if you just tell him that this is hard, you are hurting, you didn't realize that his lack of attention for you right now would wound you this much BUT make it clear you do not expect him to fix it. The situation is what is and he can't do anything about it. He can't make it better right now.

I find when I am in situations similar to yours - I hurt but it's no one's fault and can't be fixed or resolved right now (or maybe ever) - it helps to have that hurt acknowledged by the other person involved. Also don't dwell on the hurt with him - since he can't do anything about it except acknowledge it - that would be cruel for both of you.

Hold on. It won't be forever.
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  #36  
Old 09-16-2012, 06:06 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Thanks for your advice. I did send him an email yesterday and tried to emphasize that I just wanted to be listened to and that I understood that things needed to be the way they are.

I felt a little better after sending it, but when I got his reply I felt really awful and ashamed of myself. I've been really selfish and as a result I burdened someone I love at a time when I should be supporting him instead. He sent me a really detailed email where he told me how much he loves me and misses me, but that he hardly has time now to eat and sleep, let alone anything else. He really explained to me what is going on with his wife, and I know I'd be a complete wreck in his situation and unable to function. He's managing to juggle his worries about her along with significantly increased work responsibilities plus a major home renovation. I shouldn't have been surprised that he has little time for me right now. And he did warn me it was going to be bad. I just didn't realize it would hurt this much anyway.

I don't know if it makes me a bad person or if it makes me human, that I _knew_ all this stuff before and still I was concerned about my own feelings. I don't think I had as vivid a picture as I do now though. I really just want to cry because I'm sure I hurt him and it does make me a bad person to add to his worries at a time like this.

I am so scared about tomorrow that I want to just hide in my room, and again, my feelings are partly selfish which again brings on that great wash of guilt. At least part of me is altruistic; I want his wife to be healthy because I want him to be happy. I didn't realize that if tomorrow goes poorly, she might have to have open heart surgery and that is terrifying. He is deeply in love with her and I don't know how he can even get through the day with that hanging over their heads. Her risk of complications is also much higher than a normal heart patient since she has a very rare and serious condition. She might die.

He has told me that if they get bad news tomorrow, our relationship will have to go on the back burner, and of course that's what I would want him to do. Family has to come first. I know that on a personal level it will be emotionally devastating for me, but I can only imagine how she is going to feel and she will need his complete focus and support.

I really just need a good cry right now. Unfortunately H is out of town for work again and I've got my three year old to look after, so Mommy's needs are coming last. Sometimes, that's just how it needs to be. But I could really use some hugs right now.
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  #37  
Old 09-19-2012, 04:18 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Lots of conflicting emotions the past few days. The bottom line is that his wife got wonderful news and her condition has stabilized. So, that axe didn't fall. I am so glad that she is okay and that he doesn't have that huge worry. I don't even know how I would function if I was worried like that about H.

And of course, selfishly, I am glad that our relationship doesn't have to go on the back burner. I would have understood if it had to, but it would have been emotionally devastating.

L is such a wonderful man. I am not sure how I could possibly have gotten so lucky. He made sure to talk to me Monday night and see how I was doing even though I know he had lots of important things to do.

Last night, I think all the accumulated tension got to me and I just had an emotional meltdown, though. H is out of town and I am craving physical touch, which I am not going to get. I'm the sole caretaker for our toddler and he's been sick, and neither of us is getting much sleep. Add that to some PMS mood swings and the drop from being so overwrought the past couple of days and I guess I should have seen it coming. I was just shaking and couldn't deal with things. Thank goodness for technology because I reached out to both H and L and they both gave me reassurance and told me they love me. I really needed it.

When I can't have physical contact, sometimes a really long hot shower helps. I came out when I turned into a prune and couldn't stand the heat anymore and put on my favourite comfy pajamas, and curled up on the couch to watch chick flicks with a bowl of fruit cocktail (great substitute for ice cream, actually). The distraction helped... and by the time the movie was over, the negative feelings had vanished and were just replaced by contentment and happiness, and overwhelming love for both the men in my life. I wrote them each an email telling them how much I love and appreciate them.

I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster lately. I know I still won't get much of L's time for the next few weeks while he wraps up the home renovations, and that he still is overloaded with work responsibilities as he learns how to handle his new position and needs to hire another guy. But I know this too shall pass. We can't see each other anywhere near as often as I would like, but just having him in my life at all makes me feel privileged.

Not to mention how having H in my life makes me feel. How many husbands would be supportive of their wives being a basket case over fear of losing their lovers? How many husbands sit at home and take care of the kids so that their wives can go spend the weekend with a lover? I know many here do, but it's certainly not a commonplace event in the "regular" world! My husband even agreed to pick up a Christmas gift I ordered for my lover- I stumbled across the perfect thing online but they don't ship to Canada, so on his next business trip he is going to get it for me. And keep in mind, my husband is NOT poly; he doesn't even have casual sex. He is truly mono at heart and wants no one but me.

Which leads me into what I wrote him last night. I was in tears when I wrote it out for him. Maybe my soul really is polyamorous and I just didn't know it. I feel like all my life I have been denying who I am and what I need, because it's just not socially acceptable to have intimate connections with opposite sex people you aren't married to (if you're married). I've always been the kind of person who craved and needs at least emotionally intimate connections, even if they don't cross the line into physical connections. And all of my closest friends are men.

H has been telling me for months that he feels like our marriage has gotten so much stronger since I started seeing other men. He tells me that I always used to seem so unhappy at heart, and now he can tell that I am really, truly happy on the inside. And because I am happy, I am a better wife. I am more relaxed and accepting, I give more freely, and I have the energy to support him in his needs. We've fallen in love again so deeply, after 8 years of marriage and nearly 12 years together. I told him that our marriage has all the passion, excitement, and desire of a new relationship combined with the comfort, security, and enduring love of a marriage. How can it get any better than that?

I just feel so validated and accepted for who I am. I really needed this, and I am so lucky that I found a man who is able to accept that and allow me to grow the way I need to be happy.

All I know is that it feels like a miracle that I have not one but two men who love me and care about me deeply. I don't know how I could have gotten so lucky. It feels like my heart will overflow.

I didn't go looking for this type of relationship with L... but I'm glad I found it. I used to think I knew where I was going in life, and now I can say I really have no idea. But I just want to smile and enjoy the ride and see where it goes.
__________________
Me: 34 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People:
Henry, 30yrs, my collared submissive, cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Mark/StbxH, my exhusband of ten years, finally divorced.

Last edited by Vicki82; 09-19-2012 at 05:00 PM.
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  #38  
Old 09-21-2012, 03:17 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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*sigh* Again, the realities of life come into play. L's wife was going to be out for the night on Tuesday, so he asked me if I would like to Skype in the evening after I put my son to bed. Would I??? Um, yeah. We haven't been able to do a real Skype call in ages because of the way their marriage works. I know that people here don't like DADT, but that's what his wife prefers since she doesn't see other partners. She is fine with him having other women in his life because she is asexual, but two important rules are that she doesn't want to know about it and it can't impinge on their life. So basically, whenever she's home, we can't Skype- or if we do, he wears headphones and types instead of talks. Not quite as satisfying. (Actually, it's been bothering me a lot more lately. I'm in love, I want to shout it from the rooftops and really have him as part of my life. I want him to meet my husband not just for the MFM that we all want, but because they are both important in my life so I think they should know each other. And I wish I could meet his wife, if only so that I could just clear the air with her. But that isn't what she wants and I can understand that. I just wish that we could have a more "normal" relationship where I don't feel like a secret.)

I got ridiculously excited since we haven't had Skype in months, and today he told me he just found out they scheduled him for a work phone conference at 7:30 that night- right when I would have been getting ready to see him He says he'd like to try for after ten when the call ends but I guess we'll see. Poor guy hasn't been getting a lot of sleep lately and I don't want to make it harder for him.

It's just tough because I was so looking forward to it. We still talk, but I haven't had a block of time just for me in ages with him. And I know he really can't do anything about that right now and I just have to keep swimming... but it SUCKS. I'm sure he isn't happy about it either but it is what it is.
__________________
Me: 34 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People:
Henry, 30yrs, my collared submissive, cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Mark/StbxH, my exhusband of ten years, finally divorced.

Last edited by Vicki82; 09-21-2012 at 05:27 PM.
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  #39  
Old 09-24-2012, 12:46 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I can see why most people here don't like DADT. I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately and it's bothering me a lot more than I thought it would. My husband understands it completely- given the way our marriage has evolved, early on his tolerance for communicating about my extramarital activities was quite limited. I had his wholehearted acceptance to do what I wanted, but he just didn't want to hear about it or even really know about it. He generally preferred that I see other men when he was away on business trips (he's gone about 4-5 months a year in blocks of 1-2 weeks at a time).

As we've seen the positive effects on our relationship from opening our marriage, he has relaxed more and his tolerance has grown. He still has his limits and of course I do my best to respect them. I'm sure I haven't always done that great a job, since falling in love was not something that we planned on and that definitely stretched a painful boundary for him, but I really do try. He just needs time sometimes to get used to the idea. He has been much more tolerant than I would have been in his place!

But it hurts me that I can't be more open about my relationship with L. Not like I'd put it on Facebook or anything, but I wish that we could Skype more often, or even just talk on the phone. We can't even use IM some nights because that's too "obvious" if she walks by, that he is talking to another woman. So our usual modus operandi is back and forth emailing. It's a lot harder to have a conversation that way even if response time is fast!

But his wife isn't comfortable with anything that reminds her that he has other women in his life, so we can't do any of that unless she's in bed or not at home. My husband tells me he can fully understand her reticence because it bothered him, too, but his issue was that even though our computers face each other so he can't see what I'm doing, he could always tell from the expression on my face when I was talking to my lover. I'm a very expressive person and I nearly always have a smile on my face when I hear from L.

I just wish it was as easy for him as it was for me. H is out of town, but when he called I asked him if he would mind if I Skyped with L on Tuesday. He said of course it's okay, why was I even asking? L can't do that.

L is such an important part of my life now that I hate it has to stay under wraps. I have very few people who I can tell about him. How could I? H works in a very public profession, and the gossip would have a damaging effect on our livelihood. And I hate being a secret in his life, too. I wish I could meet his wife, even if not to be friends, but just to say hello and spend some time with the most important person in his life. And I want H to meet L, for the same reasons.

I just keep reminding myself that if this is my biggest concern, than I have it pretty good! I still have L in my life, and I wasn't sure that was going to be the case. I have a wonderful marriage with H. And I have a great kid. How can I be unhappy? And I'm really not- just greedy at times

I read back over my thread today, and I saw how my feelings have evolved even just since I've been writing here, which isn't really all that long a time. I feel more secure about L's feelings for me and I don't really worry about him leaving me for someone else. I still worry that his life might just be too busy for us to get much face time, but we'll see how that goes with time.

L has stopped seeing his third girlfriend, although their relationship was much more casual. So now he only sees me, his sub, and of course his wife. He still doesn't have the time he used to, but I feel like he is really trying to give me what I need. H and I are very verbally expressive with each other, so I'm used to sharing my feelings and not keeping things bottled up. I'm also used to hearing them and I think one of the things contributing to my insecurity was just that he and I had different styles of showing feelings. Now he tells me that he loves me and misses me, and even though it's not the same as being in his arms, just hearing him tell me that he wants to be with me can ease some of the sting. And I know I should know it- but it's not the same as hearing it.

I hope I can see him again soon. I'm hoping for early October, but I guess we'll see how it goes.
__________________
Me: 34 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People:
Henry, 30yrs, my collared submissive, cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Mark/StbxH, my exhusband of ten years, finally divorced.
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  #40  
Old 09-28-2012, 02:41 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I'm still feeling so lonely lately. I know that we got over the major hurdle about his wife's health, but there is still so much going on in his life right now and it's hard for me to handle. Work is still killing him, and it will until he gets used to his new position and hires another guy to take some of the load off. No ETA there.

And then there's the renovations, which aren't expected to be complete until mid November. Between those things, we're not talking nearly as much as we were and it sounds like it won't be possible for us to see each other until the renos are done. He's working long days at work, then coming home and he doesn't stop until maybe ten at night, and he needs to get some sleep before he starts it all over again. He really doesn't have time for me right now even if I took the train to see him.

It just hurts. That will be nine more weeks. I don't know how I can go twelve weeks without seeing him. I hate LD, but recognize that isn't entirely the problem here; he's just going through a really busy time in his life. He has asked me to be patient and I really want to be understanding, but it's just so hard. When it starts to feel overwhelming, I get a little bit of why do I have to feel this way about him cropping up because I don't want to hurt.

I just feel so frustrated. There's really nothing I can do about it and it makes me feel unhappy. And I get mad at myself because I know he misses me and wants to see me too and he really can't, so all I am doing is making it worse for him too. I kick myself when I'm being too self centred and remind myself that he's the one subsisting on 5 hours of sleep a night and working around the clock, so I know he isn't happy now either and is waiting for this to end. But I fucking hate it.
__________________
Me: 34 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People:
Henry, 30yrs, my collared submissive, cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Mark/StbxH, my exhusband of ten years, finally divorced.
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