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  #111  
Old 04-12-2014, 04:02 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swirlingnurse View Post
Thanks for sharing Vicki. Your blog is very enlightening.
Thank you. It's nice to know that someone is reading. It's a bit disheartening to see that people have given me crappy thread "ratings". I mean, I can't see how it's positive in any way for people to be able to rate blogs without commenting, especially since negative comments aren't allowed.

But sometimes it's nice to know I'm being heard. Navigating these waters isn't easy.
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  #112  
Old 04-12-2014, 04:17 AM
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swirlingnurse swirlingnurse is offline
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I understand. I don't think blogs should have a rating because this is personal and not something being written for entertainment. You're opening up to share with others snapshots of your life and version of polyamory. I am debating whether or not to start my own blog because of wondering how people my react to what I'll reveal about my lifestyle.
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  #113  
Old 04-12-2014, 02:29 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Pay no mind to the ratings. They don't mean anything. Most people don't use them. I am enjoying your blog too. It's really good for me to read about the experiences of a dominant woman who is also poly.
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  #114  
Old 04-17-2014, 12:56 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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So I hooked up with a casual partner yesterday... it was good to get some physical release, but he wasn't as skilled as I'd like. I'm not sure if that was why it wasn't ultimately satisfying, because I do enjoy casual sex. But either way, I didn't really get what I wanted. I was supposed to see a FWB that I've had sex with off and on for two years on Thursday but he had to cancel, so I'll have to wait on that. Oh well, in the meantime there's always toys, they just aren't as satisfying.

I also saw J again last night. We've been dating for about two months now, but last night was our contract renewal. I honestly think every relationship should have mandatory check in periods like this. I don't think that it's so much the structure that's necessary, although I do think it's great to have each person's responsibilities, obligations, and the goal of the relationship made clear cut. But I love that at the end of the contract, that we sit down and talk about how we're feeling and how things are going, if we want to make any changes or if there are any issues. Hands up anyone, who thinks that relationships could use that kind of good communication? It would at least help keep little issues from becoming big issues, because they'd either get dealt with or you'd at least realize there's a fundamental incompatibility.

Our check in went really well. He is happy with how things are going, and when I suggested renewing for another month he said let's go for two We talked about the one thing I wanted to discuss, and then spent the evening cuddled up, being silly, and just enjoying each other's company. It was a really good night. My emotional attachment to him is definitely getting stronger.

I did bring up the sex issue... I wrote him a long email because I was having a hard time explaining what it was that I'm missing, since I'm not sure that he understood. He had commented that I can have as many sex partners as I like and while yes, some of it is physical needs, some of it is more than that. I'll post the email below if people would be interested.
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  #115  
Old 04-17-2014, 12:59 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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************************************************** *
"I was just thinking about how I had a hard time expressing myself earlier so I thought I'd give it another try. I know it's different for you so I wanted to at least try and explain how it is for me.

Things have different significance to me depending on my relationship with the person, and the situation. Like, playing with someone can be intimate but doesn't have to be more than friends. Playing with someone I have an emotional connection with is always going to have more significance to me even if the scene is theoretically less intense, because it deepens the connection (at least to me).

It's the same with sex. Sometimes I have sex just because I'm horny and need orgasms. It's easy to satisfy that- hello Craigslist. But afterwards, I just feel like I had sex. Which is great, but there's no emotional connection even if I like the person enough to want to cuddle with them, which doesn't always happen. I don't like to cuddle with someone unless I like them as at least a friend. Sometimes having sex with someone I care about is just fucking, but it still brings me satisfaction on an emotional level that I don't get anywhere else. And making love... well that's something else altogether that just fulfills needs on so many levels for me.

I really, really like cuddling with you. It makes me feel so good. But what I really want is to be able to make love with you, at least sometimes. That's probably keeping me from falling as hard for you because I'm missing that kind of connection. So while I can satisfy my physical needs elsewhere, it's probably not going to stop the emotional craving for that kind of intimacy with you. Because in a very real sense, while it is about physical needs, it's more about being close to you.

So I know you think about things differently, but I hope maybe this helped explain my thoughts a little more clearly?

*kisses* I love you. Can't wait to see you on Thursday."
************************************************** *
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  #116  
Old 04-20-2014, 05:41 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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More to mull over tonight. H called me from the road and we had a nice long conversation. He says he feels so badly that he can't be confident around other people like I can, and he thinks if he starts meeting new people that he'll feel more confident too.

I'm not sure about his motivations, but if he wants to date other people, I'm happy to help. I told him I'd help him set up an OKC profile and write messages and stuff. I told him to think about what he wants from a partner, too.

I think I'm going to have some trouble dealing with it when the time comes for him to go out, but I genuinely want him to be happy and if this is something he thinks he needs, then I am all for it as long as he still wants ME.

It's just led me to think of so many things. I mean, if he hadn't met me, his life would be so different. I am 100% sure he'd never have considered anything but monogamy. He'd never be kinky. He's gotten into these things because of me. Does that mean I'm bad or wrong? I don't think so but I guess this is just a bit of a peek down the road not taken.

I wonder how it'll go in practice. Will he actually do it? For that matter, I'm curious how OKC will rate us on compatibility. But I am wondering how it will affect our relationship. I felt like I knew where I stood when we were poly/mono, but I'm less sure now. But I love him, and that's the bottom line. We'll keep talking, and figure it out.
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  #117  
Old 04-27-2014, 09:33 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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So much to say... it's been one of the worst weekends of my life, honestly. I mean, nothing happened to my kid so it could have been a lot worse, but pretty much everything that could go wrong did.

I really could use some help sorting out my feelings.

I'm not even sure where to start. It was supposed to be a fantastic weekend. Kiddo was going to stay at Nana's for the weekend, so J was staying over Friday and Saturday nights. I had planned some pretty intense BDSM scenes for the two of us. It was really our first time with the privacy to get intense and make a lot of noise, so I was so looking forward to taking advantage of it.

Then I got a text from the girl we had the FFM with last month. She fessed up that she has genital herpes, she knew about it at the time, and she didn't tell me.

To say I was in shock was an understatement. I never thought someone I thought of as a friend would do that to me. And to wait a month to tell me? I've had several partners since then and gone bareback with my husband. And it's a Friday at 5pm so no shot of getting to a clinic until Monday at the very earliest.

I'm sure I was overreacting, but I felt so violated and betrayed. If she had told me and I'd said yes, then any risk is on me. But she took away my consent and that's a really shitty thing to do. And to put my partners' health at risk? Unconscionable. I went and hid in my room and cried in the dark for hours. I was just so upset. J came over and he held me until I was at least feeling like I could cope. H called and told me it was okay no matter what and that he'd be there for me. He said he was glad J was there to take care of me because he could see that I needed someone right now.

I didn't even say anything mean to her during the text conversation. I was actually nice. I think I was too much in shock to react but I can't imagine being friends with her anymore. I can't imagine anyone knowingly taking the risk of infecting another person and lying when they were asked if they had any STIs. I think it's unforgivable.

So suffice it to say, the BDSM weekend got cancelled. I was nowhere near the right headspace to play safely.

It only got worse from there. H is away on a business trip and he called me a few times and we talked about our plans to open up his side of our relationship. I told him that I'd be happy to help him set up an OKC and I'd help him compose messages and such, and I meant it. I knew I'd probably struggle when he went out on dates, but I love him and I want him to be happy so I'll deal with my own shit.

He called me and told me he was attracted to a coworker and I reminded him that through all the years when we had discussed open relationships, my sole boundary was that I preferred that he not date coworkers. He has an unusual career and public opinion matters very much, so I didn't want things to potentially affect our livelihood. And yes, that is most definitely possible.

I also reminded him that that particular coworker was in a relationship and he's friends with her boyfriend too. So drama potential. I asked why not wait, and start by making moves on women who are actually receptive to that kind of attention? I said I'd be happy to take him to some BDSM munches and help him with dating profiles. So it's definitely not that I was trying to set a limit just to stop him from dating. He agreed it was a bad idea.

Then last night he called while I was at dinner with J, said he felt like this girl was receptive, and this website he's been using for advice said it was a bad idea to leave a woman hanging when she showed interest. I said who cares what the website said, I had already indicated that I was uncomfortable with it and it violated a boundary for me, but that he was an adult and would make his own decisions. He asked if it meant marriage ending problems or just stuff to talk about and I knew then he'd already made up his mind. I don't believe in making rules and I treat him the way I want to be treated.

It turns out he didn't fuck her, but only because she wasn't up for it after all. He called me and wanted to talk about it but I told him I was feeling very hurt because I felt like my having a boundary didn't matter to him. I said that I try very hard to treat him with respect and to give him what he needs, and that he can make his own choices, but they have emotional consequences.

So yeah... more stress I didn't need.

Then I went out on a date with J, dinner and a movie. This stuff is stupid but it's just more shit I had to shovel. The restaurant we wanted to go to was to busy, so we paid 3x as much for a lousy meal elsewhere. The movie was good but as we were getting up, my iPhone fell out of my pocket and the screen shattered and it's going to cost me $170 to replace it.

I just want to go somewhere far far away for a while. If J hadn't been here I don't know how I would have handled it all. He cuddled me and made me feel loved and special and cared for. I do love him. It meant so much to me that he was there. This was not good times... and yet when he left, I still felt like it had been a nice weekend with him, and it was.
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  #118  
Old 04-27-2014, 09:51 PM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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Ugh, that sounds like a terribly stressful weekend. I can't believe this woman - she definitely didn't act ethical nor like a friend would.
And then the H stress on top of it. Glad J was there for support.
Sending hugs.
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  #119  
Old 05-04-2014, 10:59 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Well, it's been a while since I've written, but I've been too emotionally exhausted to think about sitting down. At least now I've had a little time to digest my thoughts but it seems like I have so many different things to process!

First of all, I'm still not sure how to handle my feelings about my "friend's betrayal. Let's call her Kristen, since the initials keep messing me up and this is my blog! I've done a lot of research on HSV since I heard from her, and what I've learned really made me a lot less worried. I am understanding that HSV is far more stigma-related than a medical concern, and I also realize that given my number of partners it is highly improbable that I haven't had sex with a partner who is a HSV carrier, whether they know it or not. Since the virus sheds whether there are sores or not, I almost certainly have been exposed already. OK, so the health paranoia has been reduced, although I definitely don't want to have to deal with it.

What really bothers me is that she violated my consent. Honestly though, I wouldn't have had sex with her if she'd told me. I guess I wasn't educated enough. If I knew then what I know now, I would indeed have fucked her anyway and we had a fabulous time. But the difference is then that I would have consented to the risk; this time she exposed me to it without telling me. I don't think that friends treat friends that way.

On the other hand, my husband points out that she didn't have to tell me at all and things would have been just fine. And that's true. He's also pointed out that given the risks of transmission when she's not having an outbreak that the risk she exposed me to was minimal. He says he doesn't blame her for not telling me, because of the stigma, and that I should be flattered that she clearly wanted to fuck me that much that she didn't want to be turned down as a result.

I'm just not sure if I can get past how I feel about it. I definitely don't want to have sex with her again because I do feel like my trust has been violated. Not sure I could get into it again. I'm not sure how I feel about the friendship. It was mostly a play/BDSM friendship, so I don't know that there is much left with the physicality removed. She did text me again the other day to see how I was doing and to apologize again, and I told her that I was still processing and that I needed more time.

In terms of my husband, we had a long and intense conversation about our marriage and how things are going. Things have been fragile between us for a while emotionally, but on the surface things were "fine" since we're such good partners in life. But we were more floating along than anything else, and that's not really a good thing. We said a lot of hard things but hopefully it's put us into a position to really bring things back the way they used to be. It's never easy to sit and really evaluate if things need to be changed, and we weren't sure if we'd grown apart so much that it wouldn't work anymore. But we both agree that the foundation of our marriage is strong and that we're good together- we just need to do some more work on supporting each other in accomplishing our goals. He's out of town for a while but we'll see how things go when he gets home.

So J is John, just FYI. I am sad that the BDSM weekend didn't take place, since he and I haven't had time or privacy to play hard since the end of March. Since neither of us lives alone and there are kids in both houses, play space is difficult to manage without a sitter. I know husbands and wives play at home all the time but I think that while it would be scary if a kid walked in on Mommy and Daddy doing something, it could probably get explained away a lot more easily than Mommy and a strange man.

At any rate, I'm missing some play. Here we are in a D/s relationship and no scenes? I'm hoping we can set something up soon.

On the other hand, the weekend really showed me that what I have with John is more than just BDSM. He was really there for me. When he got to my house, I was still freaking out about the texts from Kristen and I was hiding in my room and crying. He just held me until I was ready to talk. That meant so much to me. I'm definitely falling for him, sex or no.

My husband, Mark, was going to meet John before he left for his most recent trip but John wasn't feeling well so we had to cancel. It's not really a big deal because we'll get together when he comes back, but I'm looking forward to it.
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  #120  
Old 05-21-2014, 04:50 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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It's funny- not a lot has happened, but a lot has happened.

Mark and I have been doing a lot of talking about what the shape of our relationship will be in the future. He's focusing a lot on self improvement, which is of course a good thing. It has involved communication, because I'm aware it triggered me on some level. The changes are enough that it scared me that he won't be the man I fell in love with anymore. And it's not that I want him to stagnate, because I don't. I want him to be happy. I'm just worried he'll turn into the kind of person that I don't like. So that leads to me feeling all mixed up. We'll see how it goes. At the very least, I feel heard. He tells me I have nothing to worry about and acknowledges that he sees why I feel that way. So that's about as good as it gets for now. I suppose time will tell. He'll be home in another two weeks.

In terms of that "friend", I wrote her a long email that basically said I was sorry, I think she is an awesome person and I understand why she did what she did, but I can't change the way that I feel about it. I wished her all the best but said I thought it was better if we just move on with our lives. I felt better after doing that, so regardless of anything else, I made the right decision for me. I'm a bit wistful because she's a nice person and we had a lot of fun together, but clearly my heart wasn't ready for anything else.

Things are still going really well with John. He's been under contract for two months now, although we didn't have a discussion this past month since we renewed for two months last time. We finally got a chance to do that intense BDSM scene and it was pretty awesome I'm still waiting for him to get his health card taken care of so he can see a doctor. I suspect I'll be even happier once we can actually have sex! But in the meantime, I still enjoy some sexual contact with him. I do miss some of the BDSM stuff which would involve a hard cock, but for now, I'm enjoying what I have.

Life is pretty good. I'm just so tired right now because of life stuff. I can't wait for Mark to come home so I can relax a little.
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