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  #101  
Old 03-13-2014, 12:30 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I think I need to spend some time examining my thoughts. Comments/feedback definitely appreciated on this post.

I suppose that I have always possessed an unconscious or semiconscious bias towards people who are intelligent and well educated. I never considered myself being friends with or spending time with someone who wasn't, but it wasn't something I thought about. I just didn't spend time with people outside my social sphere.

The more time I spend with J, the better we get to know each other, which is awesome. We've been chatting as well as enjoying our D/s and BDSM play.

If I had seen all the things I know about him in a dating profile on OKC, for example, I'd have dismissed him out of hand as a poor fit. He smokes, both cigarettes and pot (although he says he's quitting smoking for me and I believe him), he lives in his sister's basement, and he's a high school dropout with a dead end job. There is nothing in that that I could possibly find appealing.

But he's not the kind of guy I picture when I think of all those things. So am I stereotyping "that kind of person"? I don't really know. I know the qualities I'm drawn to, and he's got them. I'm not looking for a primary relationship or I know some of these things would be a dealbreaker. But some of them don't really matter to me as a secondary, and I genuinely like him, which I guess surprises me under the circumstances.

We enjoy each other's company in leisure time, play games together, watch movies, and can make conversation just hanging out. And the D/s and BDSM energy between us is fantastic, intense, and a lot of fun.

So I guess I'm just feeling confused. Not sure if I'm confused because my (mis)conceptions are being challenged, or if these are flags I should be paying attention to, or if I'm just feeling funny today.

I guess to pin it all down... I like J. I enjoy spending time with him. I enjoy being in a relationship with him. But I feel like I shouldn't. My base reaction is that I'm "out of his league", and even typing that repells me. I never thought that I had prejudices like this.

I'm going to continue dating him, because I enjoy him as a person. He's not anything like what I thought someone in his situation would be like, and I want to continue getting to know him. Just wanted to shake some of the cobwebs out of my head.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 8 months, and Henry (single poly), 7 months.

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  #102  
Old 03-17-2014, 10:03 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Things have just been so good lately. A minor hiccup, but communication solves a lot of those.

I've been seeing J regularly, and our relationship makes me feel so good. He does all the little things to show me that I matter, that I'm just not used to. He's walked an hour to see me in -5 F weather. He doesn't smoke around me no matter how long we're together, and he makes sure he doesn't smell like cigarettes around me. For that matter, he's told me that this pack will be his last. We'll see how that goes.

The way he touches me... I really believe him when he says he thinks I'm beautiful. He touches me everywhere, and not just in sexual ways. He wants to cuddle and to be close to me. He texts me frequently and shows me that he wants to be with me.

We've slept together at his house twice, which is something I really enjoy. I find actually sleeping with someone to be a pretty intimate act, so it's not something I do with my casual sex partners. He was really cuddly the first night which was sweet but he kept waking me up. Of course, the look on his face was fabulous the next night when I pulled out wrist cuffs and rope and told him he was going to spend the night bound loosely to the headboard if he couldn't behave! It was so much fun.

We established a contract between us to last for a month, governing our D/s relationship. It's been so hot. We also went to a play party together which I really enjoyed!

The one part that was a little shaky was when we found ourselves having a sort of impromptu threesome with another woman. She was really hot and I'd been interested in her for quite some time, so I invited her to join us. We had a fantastic time. The only thing was that I found myself having some lingering feelings of insecurity and self consciousness afterwards. I mean, she's ten years younger and very attractive, and J and I have only been dating for a month. My mono wiring kicked in a little bit and I started to feel anxious that maybe they'd start dating and he wouldn't be as interested in me. I know I should feel happy if they do, but it just brought back insecurity.

Instead of just holding onto the bad feelings, I told him I was feeling insecure. It felt really good to have that discussion with him, and it helped when I heard his thoughts. He told me that he knew he was paying more attention to her than to me, but that he felt like she was the guest. I found that really reassuring, actually. Maybe I'm just being silly. I know I need to spend more time processing, but I needed something from him and he gave it to me, and now I'm feeling a lot better.

It was so good to cuddle up with him after having that discussion. I'm really starting to feel that emotional connection that I've been craving.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 8 months, and Henry (single poly), 7 months.

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  #103  
Old 03-20-2014, 01:43 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I guess the other big issue that is weighing on me a bit is about L. So we've been dating for over a month now, and we still haven't had actual PIV intercourse. That is not something I've done since I was a teenager. Hell, even my husband, who I met when I was 18, fucked me after a couple of weeks.

L has some form of impotence. He's not really sure what is causing the problem, because he has definitely gotten erections and been able to masturbate solo, but he says with a partner, he's always taken time to warm up, as he put it. The tricks he's used in the past to work through it haven't worked with me, and he's never gotten enough of an erection to actually fuck me- the one time we tried, he wilted with the condom. I told him if the condom is the issue (I've run into that before) that I'm willing to go bareback under certain circumstances, like him being fully tested, and that he needs to tell me if he'll have any other partners. But for now, anyway, it's a moot point.

He's also told me that he's never had a particularly high sex drive. He likes cuddling and other forms of physical intimacy more. He even made the comment last night that he's worried that I'll leave him because of his issue because he knows I have a very high sex drive. He is making an effort to get a doctor referral to try and resolve the issue though, so I told him not to worry about that for now.

I'm just not used to this. I really enjoy connecting to my partners sexually. I like sex in the missionary position, frankly, as vanilla as that is. I like face to face and kissing and looking into each other's eyes while his cock is buried deep in my pussy. There isn't much better than that, at times. We're still sleeping together and getting lots of touch and physical intimacy, but I miss actual sex. He's still satisfying me physically, but I guess it's not enough.

I can get my sex on the side, of course. I don't have time or interest in developing another relationship, but I have several FWB that I can just text when I want to get off. But it's not quite the same.

I definitely do not want to end the relationship. I am really, really enjoying seeing him. We have a lot of fun together, and between the vanilla and the D/s it's making me happy. But part of me is wondering if this will end up like it was with E, where I'm missing just one element of the puzzle but everything else is good so I settle.

I really don't know. Like I said, I wouldn't have looked at his profile twice if I'd seen him on OKC or the like, because there were too many things there that didn't appeal. Is there a reason and I should stick to that? But the issue I'm having is entirely unrelated.

I'm having a hard time. Are these the doubts I was just congratulating myself for not having this time?
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 8 months, and Henry (single poly), 7 months.

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  #104  
Old 03-20-2014, 04:32 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I suspect I'm just dropping HARD right now from the awesome weekend and the fact that H is leaving tomorrow for two weeks. Probably colouring a lot right now.

I need hugs.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 8 months, and Henry (single poly), 7 months.

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  #105  
Old 03-26-2014, 01:38 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Just noticed reading back that I used the wrong initial. Guess I was feeling messed up, huh? The recent post was still about J.

L (the guy I started this post about back in 2012) was on my mind because I noticed he still reads my (on another site) blog. Kind of creeps me out a little because he could be on the site anonymously but isn't; he logs in, but never posts or uses it otherwise. So I feel weird. Feels kind of stalker-y. Then, just for shits and giggles, I went to see if he's still dating his submissive. I don't really care because I don't want him back, it was idle curiosity.

Go figure- she has me blocked on Fetlife. I kind of wonder what kind of shitstorm provoked that, since he refused to ever tell her that I existed. Not only that, but I changed my handle on Fetlife a few months after he and I broke up. Neither of them should have been able to find me, and I wasn't expecting her to have known about me. I wonder what kind of drama happened there? He decided to come clean after I broke up with him, partly because he wouldn't tell her about me? That doesn't make sense. But, whatever. I wish them all the happiness either way.

But that's all way in the past, and I've tried to internalize the lessons I learned in previous relationships.

J sent me a text this morning. " <3 I think I'm falling for you."

Wow. What an impact. We've only been dating for a little over a month so I wasn't expecting this. I know we've been seeing each other way more than I did with my previous lovers and at least the same amount of communication, though.

I'm not sure how I feel. I certainly care about him deeply but I am still missing PIV. We have much less sexual contact than I'm used to in a relationship. The cuddles, though, and the intimate touch is so satisfying, I'm definitely getting needs met there. He also made a doctor's appointment so I can see he's trying, and that means a lot.

It's just been so good seeing him. I miss him tonight even though I saw him yesterday and will see him again tomorrow. Whatever this is, it's good.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 8 months, and Henry (single poly), 7 months.

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  #106  
Old 03-31-2014, 12:03 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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So many thoughts going through my head tonight. I'm really not even sure how to start sorting things out.

J and I went to an out of town party last night. It was a high protocol BDSM house party and it was a lot of fun. We met some new people and I really enjoyed the atmosphere of the party.

He and I did a wax play scene and I was a bit taken aback, because unlike the way most of my bottoms react, he laughed uncontrollably through the scene- he told me it tickled. I know he is into heavy play but I hadn't realized his pain threshold would be that much higher than that of the bottoms I normally play with. I even took out my candles with a higher burn point and got barely a reaction from him. Honestly, a lot of people really enjoyed our scene- we had an appreciative audience. But I had really expected things to be different and I found that it made it difficult to get into my headspace. I think maybe if I had gone into it knowing he'd handle it differently it would have been okay, and fun in a different way, but neither of us knew- he hadn't done wax before and I'm used to bottoms who feel it as pain or at least intensity, and that fuels my Domme headspace. I found that in this circumstance it threw me off a bit and I just didn't get into that mental space when we played.

After thinking about it, I realize it's made a dent in my confidence. It's made me worry that we wouldn't be able to have a satisfactory BDSM relationship. I mean, wax is one of my favourite activities to indulge in. He is a total pain slut and I'm just not used to playing that hard. It's not that I'm opposed to it, but it breaks me out of my comfort zone and makes me feel uncomfortable because I know I'd have to walk that line of being safe a lot more closely than I'm used to doing. And yeah, I know it's all, I'm the Domme so I call the shots, but if the relationship isn't satisfactory on both ends then there's a problem. So it has made me worry that we won't be compatible if I can't enjoy my favourite kinks and play at a level that he'd enjoy too.

I told him that today- we had a conversation because he knew I was feeling out of sorts. He told me that he really enjoyed the protocol of the party, and he enjoyed our scene together very much even if it wasn't painful. I just don't know.

I'm also feeling some warm pleasure but mixed feelings about a conversation we had late last night when we cuddled up to go to bed together. He whispered in my ear "Can I tell you a secret?" "Yes." "I'm falling in love with you."

I know he'd sent that text before but hearing him say it brought it to a whole different level for me. I didn't say it in return but it sent those warm ripply feelings through me. This is what I've wanted for so long... is it right? I'm just worried that even if there were no problems with PIV that the BDSM issues are going to be more of a problem than I thought. Even though he reassured me, I feel like it's a problem if my play isn't doing what I want it to. I guess I need to think about it some more.

I noticed the other day that when we went out to dinner that I must really feel a high level of comfort with him already. I snagged a bite of his dinner without asking and didn't even think twice about it- not something I'd normally do. And I offered him a bite of my partially eaten sandwich to try and he did. Maybe it's just silly little things... but there's a lot of intimacy there and I really don't want to lose it.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 8 months, and Henry (single poly), 7 months.


Last edited by Vicki82; 03-31-2014 at 02:40 AM.
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  #107  
Old 04-05-2014, 05:47 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Not much new and exciting, but sometimes it's the little stuff that matters. I've been spending at least a couple of nights a week with J and we're still enjoying each other's company. I'm actually starting to enjoy sleeping cuddled up in his arms. I know I get poorer quality sleep because I wake up very easily, but I still like the way it feels.

We finally had PIV the other night. We woke up in the middle of the night hungry for each other. Kind of crazy, I've read about it in books but it had never happened to me. We fooled around and kissed and talked through fantasies, and he actually got hard enough to get his cock inside me. He didn't cum and he was still on the softer side so it wasn't that intense, but it felt so good to have his lips on mine while his cock was inside me. I needed that.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 8 months, and Henry (single poly), 7 months.

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  #108  
Old 04-07-2014, 09:23 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Just got back from spending another night at John's house. That's made three nights this week, so H jokingly asked if I still live here. I know him well enough to recognize that it's bothering him a little. I'm going to make sure to spend some time with him the next few days and make sure that he knows he is my priority and tone things back a bit. I've got an overnight planned with John on Thursday but won't see him until then. H leaves again next week until pretty much the beginning of June, so I want to spend time with him while I can. I think he gets to come home for 4-5 days at one point but not much.

At any rate, I've got to sit down and talk to him and make sure we're still okay. This is the first visible sign that I'm letting NRE affect things and I don't want to let it get too far out of hand. It just seems so much easier at the time to stay over than to grab a taxi to go home (and cheaper, too). The good news is that with H being gone for the next month is hopefully I can work some of the NRE out of my system. John will be visiting at least, which is nice, since my going out will be limited.

Last night was a lot of fun. We went to his sister's house because she was throwing a party for the Game of Thrones premiere. I got to meet a lot of his friends and be introduced as his girlfriend. I'm not sure how many people noticed my wedding rings, but I did make a comment about my husband at one point and got a visible reaction so maybe they didn't notice. His sister and brother in law are poly too, so I didn't think it was a big deal.

I really enjoyed him sitting on the ground in front of my chair and rubbing my feet while we watched the show, and bringing me snacks and drinks. The hot tub was a bit crowded afterwards so it's good that not everyone stayed! Every available seat (and some laps!) was taken!

Right now I'm just feeling really, really happy.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 8 months, and Henry (single poly), 7 months.

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  #109  
Old 04-12-2014, 01:27 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I've had a lot of thoughts lately. I was thinking that it would be so awesome if I could roll E and J together. Then I'd have the awesome sex and the awesome kink and D/s. But life isn't like that.

J is having a doctor's appointment to try and boost his erections, as well as having his testosterone checked, but I also have to accept that he simply has a lower sex drive than I do. I've been starting to feel unsatisfied lately. I need more sex than I'm getting.

For now, I'm going to see if adding a casual partner occasionally will help, because I really need some more sex. I'm not sure if it will just make me ache for more connected sex... but this just isn't working for me as is.
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  #110  
Old 04-12-2014, 02:52 AM
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swirlingnurse swirlingnurse is offline
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Thanks for sharing Vicki. Your blog is very enlightening.
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