sleeping arrangements

[Jaynine]

I became part of a triad relstoinship, ffm, a year ago after my marriage break up. The couple whom im with have been together over 15 years and have 4 boys. I have 3 kids, the younger one my son who is 11 who lives with me every 2nd week. Our relationship has sure had its trials, jealousy being the main one. My main concern, is the sleeping arragements. I live downstairs in a room of my own and on the weeks i dont have my son i really want to sleep in my partners bed with them or have one of them sleep with me. Sometimes, becos of my shift work, it is my only opportunity to have close time with my boyfriend. But my girlfriend cant sleep with me in their bed, she tries, but cant. And so i am the one who waits downstairs, lonely, hoping he will come down to me. Its a difficult situaion.anyone got any ideas how to help. I cant help feeling like an outsider

[Narayume]

In my relationship my partners take turns to sleep with me in the big double bed. It works out really well. We are a Vee with me as the hinge though - but may be you could adapt the rotation to suit your relationship so that everyone gets a similar amount of sleeping with their other partner at night.

[sparklepop]

The practicalities of poly can be tricky.

I find that the best thing we can do is look at them in the same abstract way that we look at love and sex.

Firstly, I want you to know that I relate to your feelings.

I am in a poly V with my GF and her husband. I choose not to sleep in the same bed as them. Practical reasons? I can't sleep with three in a bed. Their room is a complete mess. It feels strange to me.

My GF sleeps with her husband a lot more than she sleeps in my bed.

Practical reasons? She finds my bed uncomfortable. She likes the comfort of the bed she's had for 10 years. She's used to waking up next to her husband. Her husband can't stand it when he has to sleep alone.

Like you, I became upset. I felt like I was always waiting. There was no schedule - she'd just come in when she felt like it.

I think a schedule can solve the problem; as unromantic as it sounds. It means that everyone knows when their time is and nobody feels guilty or pressured about where they sleep.

How often do you get to sleep with your partners in one week?

Would it be practical to have your boyfriend with you for one night and your girlfriend with you another night?

Something like this:

M - you and GF / bf sleeps alone
T - you and BF / gf sleeps alone
W - you sleep alone
Th - you sleep alone
Fr - you and GF / bf sleeps alone
Sa - you and BF / gf sleeps along
Su - you sleep alone

you - 2 nights a week with BF, 2 nights with GF, 3 nights alone
BF - 2 nights with you, 3 nights with GF, 2 nights alone
GF - 2 nights with you, 3 nights with BF, 2 nights alone

Or if that's too much...
One night each during the week where one of them sleeps with you. Then alternate weekends.

Or you could skew it so that they see you more when your child isn't living with you.

Or do you not actually want to sleep alone with GF? Just BF?

Sometimes it's not always about getting an exact equal amount of time - but getting what works for everyone. If everyone makes a compromise, things are happier and more fair.

Is sleeping with you important to your BF? Or does he prefer his own bed?

[Jaynine]

Thankyou for your input. My girlfriend doesnt want to sleep without her husband. The only time her and me have slept whole night together is when he is away. Im a bit hurt by this but have accepted it. My boyfriend doesnt mind where he sleeps, but feels guilty to be away from her bed for too long. She cant sleep with 3 of us together, but she also cant sleep very well without him. Luckily i can sleep well alone, but that doesnt mean i like being lonely. Its really hard. And this is a closed triad btw so i dont sleep with anyone else.

[Jaynine]

Sometimes i feel like my gf going to have to get used to sometimes sleeping alone, or they both maybe have to learn to live without me. But i dont like to pressure her

[Narayume]

I think you might want to revisit the subject with your partners. A triad is about everyone's needs being met, not just one persons and this seems very much as if your girlfriend is expecting everyone to put her needs first. I can sympathize with not wanting to sleep alone, but I am sure she can cope one or two nights a week.

[Jaynine]

I think i am going to have to ask her to make this sacrifice for me, even if we start with one night a week. I guess it will all come down to how commited to our relationship she is. Thankyou for your advice

[sparklepop]

I see...

Ok, I can absolutely see why you are upset.

I think you guys need to sit down and look at your relationship rules again.

Are you all meant to be equal, or are you seen as a secondary to the both of them? Do they love you, or do you only have a sexual relationship?

Sleeping together (regardless of sex) is an intimate act. If you have an intimate relationship, it's really only fair that you get that side of it too.

Is the wife trying to keep you in a box in her mind? Not fully sharing her husband with you? What's her deal there, I wonder?

Incidentally, I had the same issue with GF's hubby at first. Whenever she slept in my bed, he'd roam about the house all night, completely stressed out, not able to sleep, causing a bit of a fuss. After about three months, he slept like a baby and doesn't seem to mind.

That being said, because he seems so needy and I am stronger, I don't mind him 'having' her more than I 'get' her. I'm happy with a bit less. I just like a schedule.

Basically... if you're meant to be their other primary... if you have an intimate and not just sexual relationship... then you have the right to have all the elements of that. If she's willing to be poly, she has to be willing to compromise. It might do her some good. It's not healthy to depend on another person so much that you can't bear even two nights a week!

Not an easy position for BF to be in, either.

She's not going to die... to be blunt... she needs to suck it up a little and start playing fair.

----

Now that I've said this...

Also consider.. is there anything you might get more than she does? Is it possible that she feels you two have better sex than her and him? She may not be being vindictive... perhaps she feels that she's getting the short end of some other stick? Just a suggestion, I could be wrong.

[GalaGirl]

Our relationship has sure had its trials, jealousy being the main one.

In what area? Time management?

Sometimes, becos of my shift work, it is my only opportunity to have close time with my boyfriend.

Are you guys working on this to accommodate your need to have close time with BF but deal with the work schedule? If you got close time elsewhere, would you be better able to let the sleeping arrangement thing go?

But my girlfriend cant sleep with me in their bed, she tries, but cant.

Why?

Bed to small? Room too small to fit a larger size bed?

Someone snore? Sleep apnea? It gets hot with so many people? Strangled in blanket?

And is the need to be in the same bed or can you live with being in the same ROOM in another bed? Then just flip which bed you in? But all still in the same room?

Too much togetherness for her comfort level? It breaks into their pillow talk time?

And so i am the one who waits downstairs, lonely, hoping he will come down to me.

Have you done your responsibility to the group to address the lonely? Spoken out your wants, needs and limits?

Is he not thinking/working/talking on this problem because he is not aware there a problem? Has a sleeping schedule been tried?

Just trying to think "out loud..."

GG

[nycindie]

Maybe some good ideas regarding sleeping arrangements will be found in this thread: Sleeping Arrangements and Beds

But it sounds like your issues are deeper than just a sleeping schedule. Sounds like it's time to stand up for yourself and renegotiate. They don't get to make all the rules just because they're married and that's what they're used to. A triad should be 1+1+1, not couple +1. Also sounds like your girlfriend needs to grow up a little bit.