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Old 04-05-2017, 12:49 PM
Sock Sock is offline
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Default Nervous about potentially coming out to parents

Hello everyone,

As can be gathered from the title, I made an account on this forum primarily because I'm thinking about potentially telling my parents about my open relationship. Maybe it's better if I first give an introduction. ;-)
NB: my introduction has turned out to be a pretty long story. =') But I guess I just wanted to 'tell' someone.

I'm a 25 year old bisexual female from the Netherlands, I've been together with my partner R (25, male, straight) for more than 8 years. After years of discussing our lack of jealousy and interest in dating and also having casual sex with others like so many of our peers were doing, we decided last summer to open our relationship. We've always had a good relationship, with lots of open and (very) honest communication and as mentioned had never shown signs of jealousy or possessiveness about each other. So we felt like this could maybe work. The main problem we saw was that we had no idea how to flirt, let alone date with someone else. =p

The direct reason to finally 'really' open our relationship (for a few years before, we were like 'if something happens, that wouldn't be a problem' but nothing happened) was because I met someone I liked and felt like he also liked me. So I discussed it with R and he told me to go for it. I happened to date this other person for about two months, and this was a very casual relationship: we had sex, there was also some hugging but not much intimacy other than that. When we didn't see each other in person, there was almost no contact. I soon found out that I didn't really like that, I wanted more intimacy, but I thought 'apparently this is how dating works'. The very good thing that I learned from this relationship though, was that having an open relationship works for R and me. We learned what was okay and not okay for both of us, and I learned that I get attached to people and want more than just casual sex. R and I talked a lot, and came to the conclusion that, in contrast to what we had decided in the beginning, developing feelings and maybe even falling in love with someone else would be perfectly okay as long as our relationship didn't suffer. We learned to deal with NRE, which was a big thing for me.

All this time, R was not seeing someone else and was getting a bit envious. After things with this other person stopped, R and I both decided to make accounts on some dating sites and mobile apps. Now we were both meeting other people, and I got a chance to experience the 'other side' (him meeting with and having sex with other people). This was all fine, and I found out I was actually really interested in hearing his stories. I started dating someone else whom I met through Tinder. R and I are both really upfront about our open relationship: it is in our profiles and we discuss it during the first date. This new person that I met, J, knew this from the beginning but it turned out she actually wanted exclusivity and that is why we only went on a few dates and only kissed once. The reason that I stopped seeing the boy that I dated before, was also because he was not comfortable with me being in an open relationship. For both people I had developed feelings, and on J I was crushing so hard, it was difficult for me to recover from these 'break-ups'.

After a few weeks I was interested in dating again, and met up with a new person N that I had a nice conversation with during our first date. After a few days, I asked him if he wanted to meet me again and very rudely (and possesively) told me that he was now dating J (that's right, the girl I had a major crush on but was not okay with my open relationship) and they were 'crazy in love'. After this, I was done with the whole dating business for a few months. This coincided with me preparing to go to Germany for six months, to do an internship there.

I've been in Germany since the end of January now. When I arrived here, I immediately went on Tinder again and had a date in the first weekend here. This was with a girl, S. That first date was great, we talked the whole evening and seemed to really understand each other and agree on important topics. In the mean time, we've seen each other maybe every two weeks, and it feels really nice. She knows that she's the first woman I've ever had sex with (or even kissed longer than a few seconds =p) and is totally comfortable with that. So we have sex, but with her there is also so much more intimacy than I had with other people I've dated and than my boyfriend R has had with people he's dated. S and I also have a lot more contact than with other people we've dated (every few days we'll have a conversation on Whatsapp), even when we don't see each other often. She is also comfortable with the fact that I also have a boyfriend, and this all makes me feel for the first time like I 'am allowed' to have multiple partners and be happy with that.

So now that she's becoming more and more important to me, and after almost a year I can be pretty sure that this open relationship is working for us (R and me), I would like to open up about this part of my life to my parents. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, we don't talk about everything but they have always supported me in anything. They are pretty open-minded in general, and I'm sure they'll accept my bisexuality (they also don't know about that yet) but I'm not so sure about the open relationship. Actually, I think they will accept it in the end. But, the problem is that I'm not alone in this, there is also my boyfriend. He doesn't want my parents or his parents to know about his sex life, and thinks this is automatically implied if I say we have an open relationship. I think this is true. He has also asked me why I want to tell my parents. My reason for that is that I don't want to hide something from them, especially not something / someone that makes me so happy and is such a big part of my life. I see it like these are my parents, and I can choose to tell them what I like, but I also don't want to make R uncomfortable. Another thing he is worried about is that both our sets of parents live in the same village and spend time together sometimes, they'll have coffee together and things like that. I think I can just ask my parents to not tell his parents and that won't be a big deal.

This thing is on my mind the whole day right now, I can't even concentrate on my internship because I don't know what to do. I'm going to my parents (together with R) next weekend for Easter and I want to tell them then. Does anyone have any insight maybe? We talk about it, but I feel like we are at an impasse.

Thanks for reading! =D
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Old 04-05-2017, 06:39 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Maybe you could postpone coming out to parents for a little bit longer? I do understand your desire to come out but then again your boyfriend has his reasons for not wanting to be outed at this point of time. You are experiencing NRE with your girlfriend - and enjoying your first same sex relationship. That must be an overwhelmingly happy feeling, and of course you'd like to share it with the important people in your life.

However, it is not only you. It is your boyfriend as well. And his parents living in the same village with your parents... it is a big risk to tell any of them. Your boyfriend has a reason to fear being outed unwillingly.

I am not saying that you should never come out - just, give your bf more time to adjust. It would be a good idea to come out to both sets of parents around the same time - just to ensure you will get to do that yourselves and not be outed by someone else.
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Old 04-05-2017, 08:44 PM
Sock Sock is offline
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@Nadya

Thank you so much for your reply. I just had a long Skype session with R and I went in feeling prepared for him telling me he just didn't want it. He actually said exactly what you're saying, he is not saying he never wants to come out but not now. And I agreed, I will not tell my parents for now. Honestly, I think them learning about my sexual preference is going to take enough time to get used to already (alltough I'm sure it's safe for me to come out about that). =)

Also your last point about us telling all four parents at the same time is a very good one, I will remember that for when the time comes.
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Old 04-06-2017, 04:51 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Sounds good Hope you have a nice Easter holiday back home!
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Old 04-06-2017, 09:25 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Greetings Sock,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I agree with Nadya, you should wait for awhile before coming out to your parents, wait awhile until R feels like he can cope with it. Other than that, it sounds like you (you, R, and S) are handling things pretty well, and I am hopeful about the future. It sounds like Polyamory.com has helped you so far, and I hope it will continue to do so.

Thanks for sharing your story.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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