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  #1  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:04 PM
downwithduckies downwithduckies is offline
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Default New Relationship Issue.

First off some background I have been with A for 3 1/2 years now he opened up the relationship around a year ago. ( I say he because I was not at all happy about it but regardless I chose to stay ) Originally it was a sex only sort of arrangement, he was free to seek sexual encounters outside of the relationship, as was I but I did not have any interest at the time.

around a 1/2 a year ago he met a girl (S) they hit it off and he was interested in starting a relationship with her. Again I was not at all happy and didn't want it to happen but was overruled. Sense then I've met her and do like her as a person and have grown to have a certain level of comfort her her dating and eventually moving in with him. However they (or rather A) had issues with the kind of people that she was dating outside of their relationship, so they decided that neither of them would date anyone else for a while at least until the relationship and apparently mine and A's were more stable.

Recently I've developed feelings for a mutual (ok really A's best friend) and told A that I was interested and he replied that this friend was one of the few people that he would trust with either myself of S. We had been hanging out a lot recently and a few nights ago on impulse I decided to kiss him, just a quick peck. and apparently he likes me too (yay!) and the minute after I texted A to let him know what happened. I expected him to say something like good for you hun, or something else positive or even remotely neutral. Instead I get a response of how much I've hurt and betrayed him and how much he doesn't trust M (the friend) because we didn't give him the blow by blow of our flirting. Which escalated into this huge argument with him not being sure if he can trust me or wanting to be with me.

Apparently form his end I was supposed to take him and S not seeing other people and myself being included in that little deal. I was not aware of this at all. We never had this conversation or anything like it and apparently I was supposed to take some shit he said in passing as notice of this. Now he was a veto on anyone I want to even date, and he really doesn't want me dating M and he want's M to make a big gesture to "earn back his trust"

Now I'm frustrated to hell with all of this and I am seriously considering just leaving the relationship, I do not like all of this "protectiveness" and I don't want him controlling my ability to date like that. I was just getting comfortable with being in a polyamorous relationship and now this happens. I just don't know what to do.
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  #2  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:24 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by downwithduckies View Post
First off some background I have been with A for 3 1/2 years now he opened up the relationship around a year ago. ( I say he because I was not at all happy about it but regardless I chose to stay )
In other words, this wasn't an agreement that the two of you made - it was more him telling you what he was going to do and you having the choice of accepting it or ending the relationship. Am I characterizing that right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by downwithduckies View Post
around a 1/2 a year ago he met a girl (S) they hit it off and he was interested in starting a relationship with her. Again I was not at all happy and didn't want it to happen but was overruled.
Same scenario - he told you what was going to happen, and your choice was to accept it or...

Quote:
Originally Posted by downwithduckies View Post
However they (or rather A) had issues with the kind of people that she was dating outside of their relationship
So he had an issue with this other person's other relationships and he told her to stop seeing other people (while as a token gesture said that he wouldn't see anyone else). She had the choice of accepting that or.... You, presumably, were informed but not consulted (which is right, since it's really nothing to do with you).

Quote:
Originally Posted by downwithduckies View Post
Instead I get a response of how much I've hurt and betrayed him and how much he doesn't trust M (the friend) because we didn't give him the blow by blow of our flirting.
Has he given you the "blow-by-blow" of his relationships with others? Was that something that you agreed to?

Quote:
Originally Posted by downwithduckies View Post
Which escalated into this huge argument with him not being sure if he can trust me or wanting to be with me.
So you broke an unwritten law and now he is going to punish you by saying he doesn't want to be with you....

Quote:
Originally Posted by downwithduckies View Post
Apparently form his end I was supposed to take him and S not seeing other people and myself being included in that little deal. I was not aware of this at all.
Well, you're not a mind-reader - shame on you for not knowing that as if by magic!

Quote:
Originally Posted by downwithduckies View Post
Now he was a veto on anyone I want to even date, and he really doesn't want me dating M and he want's M to make a big gesture to "earn back his trust"
So he has decided what will happen and you get the choice of accepting it or....? (are you seeing a pattern here yet?) Do you have a veto on anyone he wants to date?

Quote:
Originally Posted by downwithduckies View Post
Now I'm frustrated to hell with all of this and I am seriously considering just leaving the relationship, I do not like all of this "protectiveness" and I don't want him controlling my ability to date like that. I was just getting comfortable with being in a polyamorous relationship and now this happens. I just don't know what to do.
Yeah, this stinks of a controlling nature on his part, possibly with some borderline emotional abuse thrown in for good measure.

He can do whatever he wants without consulting you (just informs you afterwards), and then throws a fit when you do the same, when you even took the trouble to clear it with him first.

This is NOT Polyamory. Not even close.

I don't see this working...
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  #3  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:26 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Default Oops

"What we've got here, is failure to communicate"

Sounds like, at the very least, there are some conversations happening that not everyone is involved in (or possibly not everyone is listening).

If the relationship was previously open and has been subsequently closed this is something that needs to be discussed unambiguously. If his assumption is that your dating tendencies are dictated by his, this is something that should be discussed WAY out in front.

Either way, you two would do well to sit down and have a conversation, one that is not filled with assumptions, hinting, and hoping. Even if you decide to end this relationship because it is dysfunctional (and that might be the best response) you will still need to keep in mind for future relationships that this was caused by poor communication ... by everyone involved.
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  #4  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Well... for one take a break. You feel whatever you feel in the heat of the moment. Let it blow over -- it's emotional storm.

Don't knee jerk REACT to it. Just let everyone cool off and simmer down. Then you can choose to ACT WITH INTENT.

He may be dealing with his own emotional storm and spouting off things he doesn't really mean. So everyone time out for a bit to collect themselves.

If you need suggestions for making your bullet list for your needs, wants and limits in your rship with A there's the link to a post I wrote earlier today -- but do think about making it. Then make a time to go over it and better define your rship. Most of your past is him saying it is so and you basically having to like it or leave it with no room for negotiation. That's weird to me.

Everyone has their own set of rights and responsibilities in relationship. You guys need to develop yours. If the rule was that you both could be open to date, then he is going to have to deal with the reality that yah... you are starting to date! So how are you going to agree to be together while both are dating? Because if it's an agreed to even playing field, it's an even playing field.

Or was he banking on you never acting on it and so just said he was open to you dating too just so he could be open on HIS end?


1) You guys need to get on the same page about your "V" with A as the hinge between you and S. What are the rules that apply to you and do no apply to your arm? Expecting to share sex health news/labs across both arms is a reasonable thing. Nobody needs cooties. Safer sex is a plus for all.

2) He's the hinge, but he doesn't get to just DICTATE that since in his one V arm with S they are taking a break from seeing other people and therefore your arm with him is also closed for a time and you cannot see anyone. You did not agree to that. When were you given your voice in the decision making process?

3) So he tripped on some unexpected emotional stuff when he learned you kissed M. It's just a kiss -- what's the deal for him? Is he ready to process and articulate his wants, needs, and limits in regard to your dating life?

You texted news as soon as was possible. Does he prefer to receive such news in person/phone rather than text? That is a reasonable (to my mind) request.

Does he prefer a dating heads up like "I'm thinking about dating M" before kissing news happens? That is a reasonable (to my mind request) because if he knows you are thinking about dating them and start to, some kissing could be on the horizon with the new dating partner. It's not coming out of left field.

Or maybe he prefers a "don't ask, don't tell" thing? And he's mad about that? That you told without him asking for knowledge he does not want? Whatever the preferences, let's get them on the table here to see if you match up or what. What's the happy medium there?

Does he expect to tell you who you can and cannot date? (If he means "PLEASE, please don't date my Dad or my brother at the same time as me -- too weird!" -- alright. I could buy that request. If he means he picks who you date in general? Um... no.)

Take a breather and then start sorting this all out if the goal is for both of you to still be in right relationship with each other while dating other people.

To be in right relationship might mean changing from a "V" to "good exes, now friends" or something else. But try to be in right relationship and honest. None of this skewed stuff where's he's got it all his way only. That's not relationship where there's relating back and forth going on. Unless it is your pleasure, and what you wanted to sign up for... him giving all the orders and you acting them out is not a two way street.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-17-2012 at 11:50 PM.
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  #5  
Old 07-17-2012, 11:46 PM
PolyCNYM PolyCNYM is offline
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Hmmm.... So it's OK for him to find a partner and not you.... Not fair at all.

If he can have partners you can too. You guys really do need to talk.
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