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  #1  
Old 07-17-2012, 10:37 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Default First poly-related issue...

So, Keith has been chatting with this woman (T) for a few months... She doesn't live in the country, and neither of them ever have any plans to move from their country of origin, so they both know (in theory) that it's not going to be anything serious but they really seem to like each other and she has been talking about wanting to travel to the US anyway so they may meet sometime in the next year.

This weekend, he was cranky. The entire weekend. Saturday night we went to a swingers meet and greet, so I had gotten all dolled up, shaved my legs (like, the entire leg - not just what shows in shorts lol), and was in a frisky mood. We didn't meet anyone that we much cared for (I didn't expect to - all the people there were about 20 years our senior), so I figured we'd have some fun when we got home. I try to start something, he isn't in the mood. We have a movie marathon and just chill. I try to start something again, still nothing.

We decided to just hang out doing our own things together - I was on the computer or reading while he was on his tablet talking to T. Well, she was apparently feeling kind of down, then got horny, and started trying to initiate cyber sex with him. He tried to dissuade her without actually saying "no" until he finally brought it up to me. I said it was no big deal, do whatever, but he decided it would be awkward to be in the same room as me so he went into our bedroom, shut the door, and proceeded to have cyber sex with her for over an hour and a half.

During this time, I tried to go to sleep on the couch. Failed. Tried to entertain myself online. Failed - I'd pretty much exhausted my interests earlier in the night. Finally it was light enough that I went for a walk. When I got back a half hour later, nothing. He hadn't even come out of the room to see where I went. So I start to take a shower. At this point, I was frustrated. We'd planned to go to breakfast at dawn, and he was MIA because he was too wrapped up in cyber fucking when he had turned down in real life fucking with me at least twice earlier in the night.

So, I'm frustrated. I know he's still in that "show only the good"/borderling NRE without the actual relationship phase with T, but he had been being an ass to me ALL WEEKEND. We've been having sex MAYBE once a week (which is really rare since it's usually at least once a day), so I was frustrated that when I finally had a libido he "wasn't in the mood" but as soon as he got encouragement from someone online he was all about going in the other room and masturbating to her naked pictures.

Now, I don't want him to touch me which I know is ridiculous, I don't want him to talk to her which is even more ridiculous, and I basically just want to make him suffer for rejecting me. Terrible, right?

Oh, and the thing that I think really made this whole cyber sex thing not okay with me at this point was that she didn't realize he was married! She knew he was in a relationship, but he had never specifically said he was married. She was disappointed because she apparently kind of thought that if they met in a few months and hit it off, he'd be willing to leave me to go live with her or at least marry her and keep me in a secondary role.

Ugh! I really don't have anything against her. She'd never even heard of poly until she started talking to him, so it's not really her fault that she doesn't get it or think she would be satisfied with it since she does want to get married and have kids and all that someday. It just frustrates me that he isn't clear about things like our relationship, that I got all the bad (the pissy side) for 2 days while the good (the supportive, always trying to make you feel special side) was focused entirely on someone else, and that I am even letting this bother me in the first place. I mean, as much as they talk about what they're going to do when they actually get to go on a date, the likelihood of it ever happening is slim.

Now Keith feels terrible because I feel terrible. He's trying to figure out what he could do to make me feel better about the situation, and I really don't know what to tell him. He didn't do anything wrong. I told him it was fine. I know he lacks the ability to think about me when he's in a situation like that (he'll think enough to not break any rules, but he won't think about how what he is doing is affecting me right at that moment - like not even noticing the door or the shower starting or any of that even though it was happening 10 feet away from him). None of this should have surprised me.

I just feel rejected and fat and I've felt like a failure for weeks since I haven't even gotten so much a call about any of the many, many jobs I've applied for. It is just not my week, apparently.

Rant over. Any comments, advice, or virtual bitch slaps for my ridiculousness are welcome.

Last edited by km34; 07-17-2012 at 11:08 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-17-2012, 01:28 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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You sound like you have a pretty good head about what's actually going on. My sum up is:

If you are having a date night he should act accordingly. I have seen the best results come when each person gives their complete attention to the person they are with. The girl I'm dating currently (I) is fantastic at this. If she's with one of her other boyfriends, they are the center of the rotation of the planets, if she's with me, I am.

The tendency to be needy, jealous, and demanding is something we should constantly strive to move past. However, just because we are open does not mean that we don't have the desire to feel loved and special. New love is so powerful that everything else gets the volume turned down, including our other loves, that's just the way it is. However, he may need to practice on his focus - being *with* the person he is with. There will be plenty of time for cyber with his other girlfriend when the two of you are not having a date night.

The other side, if you are not getting what you need then you may consider taking it upon yourself to get it elsewhere. We all need to get a good thrashing on a regular basis, if he's not in a position to give that to you right now then perhaps you should find someone who is. That is one of the beautiful things about being poly, my partner doesn't have to meet all of my needs: they have to meet the needs they *want* to and I get the others satisfied someplace else.
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  #3  
Old 07-17-2012, 02:41 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
He tried to dissuade her without actually saying "no" until he finally brought it up to me. I said it was no big deal, do whatever, but he decided it would be awkward to be in the same room as me so he went into our bedroom, shut the door, and proceeded to have cyber sex with her for over an hour and a half.
Quote:
Now Keith feels terrible because I feel terrible. He's trying to figure out what he could do to make me feel better about the situation, and I really don't know what to tell him. He didn't do anything wrong. I told him it was fine. I know he lacks the ability to think about me when he's in a situation like that (he'll think enough to not break any rules, but he won't think about how what he is doing is affecting me right at that moment - like not even noticing the door or the shower starting or any of that even though it was happening 10 feet away from him). None of this should have surprised me.

So basically you both need to step it up on reporting your inner weather.

He could have explained himself on his cranky pants attitude. You could have asked something like "Dude, why am I getting cranky vibes? Do you need to talk? Are you ok?"

Then later on...

Were you ok with it initially but left out the limit and later got upset with it being so long?

If you were left unhappy this time because you did NOT state your limit, next time state limit. You have a responsibility to know and state your wants, needs, and limits. Esp when you know his personality is such that once he's on the path he thinks enough to not break rules but is not esp good at aftercare for YOU.

So list out your aftercare suggestions. (ex: Fine with me, hon, but remember we have a dawn breakfast date so def don't stand me up on that part. And I already initiated sex twice, so I feel a bit left out here. Maybe just play for an hour for warm up with her? I can shower and do something else to warm up. And then perhaps we can finish by having sex together? Or finish with just snuggles. So I get to connect with you also if full on sex is not your speed tonight. Does that sound good to you?)

Or were you NOT ok with it and did the "whatever" thing expecting him to be a mind reader and go "Crap. She whatevered me! That means I'm already in trouble so I best not go there right now til I repair things with her first."

If so, you have a responsibility to know and state your wants, needs, and limits and he has the right to clear communication. He's just not a mind reader. Don't say it is NOT a big deal when you know it IS.

Say what it is. (Ex: "Thanks for checking in. But cybersex with your secondary is not esp cool with me right now because I feel left out as your primary when I've initiated real person sex twice with you tonight on our date night. If full on sex is not your speed tonight, that's fine. But I'm right here -- we could cybersex. We could snuggle. We could chat. Play scrabble. I wanted to connect with you tonight in some fashion. Going off to connect with her when there was no special effort to connect with me is ugh feeling to me.")

The other stuff like feeling rejected with work applications -- remember it's emotional weather. All of it. You feel what you feel when you feel it and let it blow on through. You don't get to CHOOSE when you feel things.

You get to choose how to behave -- choose to REACT or choose to ACT with intention.

Now that you've been through this thing once, you can decide how you want to be now that it has happened and choose how you want to be the next time it pops up. Talk to your partner. We teach others how we want to be treated.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-17-2012 at 09:47 PM.
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  #4  
Old 07-17-2012, 10:23 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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The problem came down to me not realizing how long he was going to disappear for, him not thinking about the fact that we'd planned to go to breakfast so I would put off eating which in turn caused my sugar to remain low until I finally gave in and ate breakfast without him, and that I've been feeling rejected in other aspects of my life (inability to get a job, difficulty of making friends in a new place, etc) so this feeling of rejection was kind of the final straw.

I didn't realize it would take as long as it did, so I didn't think about setting a time limit. Now I know.

Normally, Keith is the sweetest, most considerate guy. Half the time I barely have to lift a finger when we're just hanging out. However, he consistently forgets that I have health issues that require me to stay on a schedule. I eat 2 meals a day and 3 snacks to keep my blood sugar regular. My breakfast meal is at the same time every day. Normally we don't eat it together, because he sleeps later than I do. Since we'd stayed up all night, he was going to take me out for breakfast, but as soon as he got into his own space - my needs went out the window. Like usual. So, instead of making sure he was done in 45 minutes so we could still go to breakfast without it being too late, he was gone for an hour and half while I continued to put off eating because we were supposed to eat together, my sugar crashed, I went into a hypoglycemic rage, and now we're still dealing with the fallout.

Sure, he shouldn't have to be a mind reader, but is it so much to ask that he remember something as important as my health and how him pushing back our plans affects how I feel physically as well as mentally? I don't think so.

We both made mistakes - mine was convincing myself he's capable of something he's not and his was not thinking things through with a clear mind.
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  #5  
Old 07-17-2012, 10:38 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ah. I've got blood sugar issues.

I make it my business to report where I'm at all times because DH does not know. He's not in my body to know.

"So... how long you think that will take? Can we check in? Because I'm like X time from an eat, and if you want to eat together, I need to know if I eat a snack to just hold me til then or eat a meal here without you because it will be too long."

I'd say all learned something here.

GG
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