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  #31  
Old 07-27-2012, 05:57 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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This is just so hard to read. You say Piper will not stay with Colada if she doesn't accept you and over and over again, their actions scream (to me anyway) that they at both doing things to push you so far you will walk away, giving Colada exactly what she wants, your husband without you. All the entertaining in YOUR house, interacting with YOUR kids, while you are supposed to vanish into the woodwork and become invisible is so incredibly dissrespectful it boarders on abuse. If she can't even deal with your existence, then she needs to get he FUCK out of your home and stay out until she is willing to be respectful of you.

I get the need for space and trying to find a compromise when things aren't working, but that doesn't mean you need to be a doormat while this women walks all over you and invades your home. If they want to play at pretending you don't exist, they should do it someplace your kids won't have to witness it. This whole situation is a massive train wreck in the making.
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  #32  
Old 07-27-2012, 09:17 AM
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*searching for the *like* button* That was exactly what I was thinking, SNeacail. I am really pondering over how this can ever work out in favour of anyone involved. .
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  #33  
Old 07-28-2012, 02:13 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Default Day 12

Do you ever just want to kick yourself? Ugh, that’s how I felt today. I had it – really had it by about noon today. I was thinking – I’m done, I’m done, done, done, done, DONE! This girl has me in knots. She’s so anxious that apparently, she can’t even follow basic etiquette – e.g. If you give someone a compliment, say thank you – if someone is having a bad day, tell them you hope they feel better – you know, the basics. But I just don’t even get responses. I feel like I’ve turned my life upside down to try and accommodate her anxieties and needs – and basically, I’ve gotten nothing, not even an acknowledgement in return.

Now, if I’m totally objective (haha, right, what I mean is – if I’m as objective as I am capable) then I have to admit that she didn’t exactly ask for these changes. She would have slithered away and just written off this relationship before it even started. But Piper liked her and so I tried, I rallied, I made changes. To his credit, HE has said thank you – which I suppose is why I’ve actually done it. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect something from her too. But maybe that is unfair? Maybe I’m expecting too much – I mean she didn’t ask for any of this. So bad on me….and hence my thinking around noon – forget it, I’m done. I’m done trying to accommodate, support, make changes. And then…..

…well, and then I got an email from her saying….thank you. <sigh!> And hook, line, and sinker, I got excited. (stupid, stupid, stupid….imagine me smacking my forehead) Yes, yes, I responded and gave in and got all happy. But here I am, again, having been told all week that she wanted to skype (we’re in different states right now)…but nothing. Not even a cancellation – just nothing. So Piper is home with her now and says he’ll make it happen tonight – I waited until 9:30pm…heard nothing allllllllll day….and got really angry over text. I’m just so dang tired of feeling on edge waiting to see if this time will be different. EVERY time her and her sister have said they would meet me over the last year and a half, they have bailed and so I still haven’t met either one. (And I mean, get all dressed up, set up drinks, say they are on their way…and then they just don’t show…it’s very odd, if you ask me)

Were it just me, I’d have been done with Colada a long time ago – because I don’t like drama, I don’t play games, and I don’t put out this much energy for people who don’t return it. But for Piper’s sake, I keep trying…over and over and over again…but it hurts and it’s stressful…and I’m tired….

Rule #11 – Try to set realistic expectations for your SOs. It’s better to underestimate and over deliver than to set expectations high and deal with disappointment.
Task #11 – Try to curb your anger in the moment. It will probably subside some and you will think more clearly after letting time pass. (boy is this an obvious one! Haha – well, I need the reminder) :P

PS – Sneacail & Phy – just one clarification – “they” do not interact with the kids – that, I would not allow. Piper takes care of Pea if she wakes up in the middle of the night but Colada has had absolutely no interaction with the children. I do not budge where they are concerned. Per your other comments – I’m guessing my comments from today are inching toward your points. I should probably take more heed though. One other point I do need to make – I really do trust that Piper will not push me out…I may push myself out…but he won’t. I may not show it all here but he shows his dedication in many ways – including, but not limited to the fact that he is heavily involved with and dedicated to the children and family matters. Also, we have been in a semi-similar situation before (a GF demanded he leave me and marry her) – he didn’t even bat an eye and she was gone. After that, per my request, it was just the two of us for 3 years. I have faith in him…she, however, is another matter. What I’m trying to determine is if that’s because she is so lacking in experience and maturity (in other words, she needs time and education) or because this is going to be an ongoing issue that she never gets past.
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  #34  
Old 07-31-2012, 12:20 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Default Day 15

Well, it's been an eventful couple of days so I just didn't have the energy to post. We ended our "vacation" with an ER visit with Pea (she is ok, thank goodness, but it was scary) followed by a straight 10 hour drive home with the kiddies and me alone. Needless to say, I was totally exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

So here's my update: Before Pea's accident, I had a terrible night. I found out that Colada and Piper were planning a party at the house in my absence and the only reason I learned about it was because I decided we might come home early. I felt so hurt and lied to. I really felt seriously depressed that night and couldn't manage to fall asleep at all. I texted Piper a couple times about it and I tried to call him but he was sleeping, so he didn't pick up. By 6am, I just felt like I had to say something. So I wrote an email to them both. I felt better and thought that while I was clearly upset in my email, that I didn't labor on and on and I wasn't ugly in the email. It seems they didn't agree. Piper said there was no reason for us to discuss it and that I as "very aggressive" and he didn't agree with how I handled it. Eventually he did talk to me some but basically said he didn't understand at all why it bothered me. I don't know what to tell him since I feel like it's obvious that it would hurt my feelings. Colada basically just sent me a short email response saying that
there must have been a miscommunication between her and Piper. And, they canceled the party - which makes me feel like I can't trust them to keep things between us. I'm posting my email - for feedback. Any comments are appreciated. I need a sanity check and Piper and I are too deep in our own issues to be objective. Was I too aggressive? Am I too emotional/sensitive? Should I just be breasy and think it's all just fine?

Here's what I wrote:

Piper and Colada,

First, do not cancel the party - it will only add embarrassment to an already uncomfortable situation for me.

However, I do need to tell you both that I am deeply hurt that you guys planned a party in my absence, without even telling me (I know, Piper, you eventually told me but only because I said we may come home early). My purpose in encouraging Colada to spend some time at the house and invite a few people over was to try and help her relax and become more accustomed to this relationship. It was my way of trying to be supportive and welcoming. I did not, however, expect that it would turn into the two of you throwing a party that involved other people sleeping at my house - nor that it would be planned without my knowledge, input, or consideration. I feel excluded, rejected, and lied to (by omission).

Don't worry, I don't think that you two set out to intentionally exclude me or make me feel bad. But at the same time, without better communication, this will continue to happen. I have not slept all night - and frankly, I scared myself last night with how badly I was feeling - so I cannot continue in this manner.

I am willing to do what I can to make this situation work. I am trying to think of everything I can to be as open as possible, to try to communicate, and to show you both that you can trust me. I do need help though. I need us to communicate more and I'm afraid it needs to segue to talking in person or I fear we will have more miscommunications and hurt feelings and I don't want
that for anyone.

Thank you for "listening" and letting me share my thoughts and feelings.

Sincerely,
Pocket


I don't know. It doesn't seem aggressive to me but maybe I'm just reading it through my own eyes and am not objective enough.


Anyway, once I got home from the trip, Piper and Colada had cleaned up my suite, put out candles, chocolate, wine, music, and Piper had bought me a mini-waterfall, Colada bought me a plaque for my wall with butterflies on it in honor of my daughter. It was very sweet of them to take the time to do this. It did confuse me though - was this their way of saying, we'll take upstairs? I wrote them two long emails on the subject - no response. Not a comment, question, or even a confirmation that they got the email - nothing. It hurt - a lot. It feels like I'm not even important enough to be told what is going
on. Piper even packed up the stuff in my nightstand drawer from the upstairs room and put it in a bag in the bottom drawer in my new room. I think he was trying to be nice but it felt like I was being pushed out.

So, I guess that's that. I just went ahead and packed up the rest of my closet in the upstairs room today. I wasn't planning to do it before - I just figured I'd spend a month downstairs and get my head on straight and then we would have the energy to work on us. But I think I'm too tired to keep fighting so it just seems easier to move. I just feel like I'm losing my family so I'm sad all the time. I think Piper is tired of me being sad. I'm tired of it too but I can't seem to find my way out.

I'm not sure what to do next.

Rule #12 - If you don't know what to say, just hug me.
Task #12 - Go ahead and move forward in moving.
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  #35  
Old 07-31-2012, 12:25 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If you're going to be in that new room, I suggest putting a lock on the door and keeping it locked whenever you are not there. tell Piper and Colada to ask permission to enter your room. What good is a sanctuary if people can just come and go whenever they feel like it?

I am sorry that you are so sad. I went through that when my marriage ended andthought I would never crack a smile again. More talking, more reinforcing of boundaries, and figuring out what you need and want to be happy is in order. Piper seems oblivious and unable to read you. Did he ever understand you?

Perhaps you might even consider moving into your own apartment.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-31-2012 at 12:28 AM.
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  #36  
Old 07-31-2012, 02:07 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Nycindie - No, Piper has never really understood me - though he does try. I do think he's tired of trying but he hasnt ever totally given up. In the moment, his frustrations prevent him from being understanding and he struggles a lot with seeing situations from other people's points of view. He pretty much finds me to be overly emotional, impossible to please, and neurotic. I don't get that feedback from others, but then again, I don't live with them. So I don't know...maybe he's right. I can't objectively assess.

Thanks for the supporting comments and insights...I really appreciate them.
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  #37  
Old 07-31-2012, 02:44 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Your email seemed quite calm to me.

Last edited by SNeacail; 07-31-2012 at 03:06 AM.
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  #38  
Old 07-31-2012, 03:13 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Boogers - I was kinda hoping you'd say I am expecting too much, or worry over nothing, or something similar...because then I could work on me. I can't change others. I do think he'd like to make me happy...he just struggles with how to do it. He frquesntly tries really hard to do something only to find out it sends the opposite message he intends and then he feels frustrated and angry. I'm just at a loss on how to communicate my needs to him because what I think is obvious, he believes is absurd. (E.g. I think he believes the party is no big deal at all and it isn't even my business because I wasn't home and it didn't involve me so I shouldn't spin my wheels and overthink it...whereas I feel violated and hurt - he simply does not understand. He believes I'm illogical).
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Last edited by pocketpoly86; 07-31-2012 at 03:20 AM.
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  #39  
Old 07-31-2012, 05:25 AM
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It's the same with the party and the room. From my point of view, they don't respect your space at all. Your house, your room, whenever you aren't there they do what they please (throwing a party, re-decorating) and if you come back and see that things were changed, that things happened in your private space where you should feel in control and at home basically, and you get upset about it, they tell you to suck it up and don't see what they did.

There is no overreaction in your email you explained your thoughts calmly and not aggressively. Stand your ground, one part of feeling sad seems to be the violation of your boundaries, at least that's how I see it.
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  #40  
Old 07-31-2012, 05:54 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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After reading your post I felt it in my gut...so I can understand your pain.

I had 2 seperate an opposite thoughts on this. 1) the concept of gas lighting. The term and concept has been kicked around here a couple of times I never really believed in it ...but under the circumstances its worth asking the question.

2) The experiment was to move to a secondary role..... If that's truly the case why do they need to keep you in the loop if you were out of town ...10 hrs away. Now violating your space ..not cool ...but having a party in the general space?

Put another way Have secondaries who were out of town been upset to learn their primary had a party at their home......without notification? Is that an expected right?


This experiment was your idea right?

Could there be an element(s) of passive aggressiveness to this. Be
careful what you wish/ ask for? The party....the email ....moving your clothes. All to highlight your decision?

I guess that's 3 thoughts ....

Last edited by dingedheart; 07-31-2012 at 05:57 AM.
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