Advice Badly needed...
Hello I'm new here and have read through many pages to find answers to my situation. A brief background - I met my wife a little over 4 years ago and we've been married just over 3. We started swinging mostly with other men probably 5 or 6 months after we met.
For me it was always about her but I think she had some doubts. In the end she believed me. Several things happened along the way including me losing my job, long term unemployment and there were also several other factors such as she wasn't communicating things to me that she should have including she wasn't really happy swinging like we were. She would keep doing it because of my reaction to when she would stop...my reaction was based on the fact that she always seemed to have a great time and I didn't understand. At this point we both get the breakdown of communication so that really requires no discussion for this.
We are now seperated and have been since roughly May 28th.
In the last couple months we were together, she began (at my encouragement) to play alone. This seemed to be working very well and we both enjoyed it. What ended up happening was the last guy she was with ended up really getting to her. She was afraid to tell me and at one point I asked her about it and she said we were fine. I was very stressed and became very impatient and a couple times wasn't very nice to her daughter. I realize how wrong that was and feel terrible.
On May 25th, we were out and I was very tired and ready to go home. We were leaving and she said at the car that she wasn't ready to go. She turned and went in, we had some words and I left. She didn't come home that night. He dropped her off about 1PM I think and with no response to my more than 100 calls and texts. She said we have to talk...she needed some time alone because she had developed feelings for him and he for her. I agreed that if time alone was what she needed and if it was in fact time alone I would comply. Probably the biggest mistake.
I was distrought and wanted to run away. I couldn't focus on my job and had no place to go. I ended up going to Atlanta to stay with my ex-wife and kids. It didn't take her long to start going out and seeing him and sure enough while I was away, trying to talk and keep things going, their bond got stronger. I started a new job and even met someone to try and move on.
We talked a bit and decided to spend a night together on the 19th. We went for Mexican, talked, ate and drank a few beers. I held myself pretty good until near the end. She reached over and held my hands. I still kept it together although it was obvious I was going down. As we left we embraced tightly and I felt so good...I went to kiss her and she said she wasn't ready. I broke down. The next morning as I was getting things to take back to Atlanta my phone rang. Long story short, she had a problem and asked me to meet her. I did and we spent most of the day together. I did a few things at home for her and out of nowhere, she grabbed me and kissed me and then we kissed passionately for a few minutes. We went into the kitchen and it happened again. I thought maybe this was it...but it wasn't. She said shortly after that she still wasn't where she needed to be for me to come home. I talked to her and left.
June 24th...my birthday. I spent a huge part of the day in my head hoping for her to call me and wish me a happy birthday. The day went down hill and about 10PM I was hurting so badly that I sent a text to her and asked if she forgot or didn't tell me on purpose. She called and said she honestly thought it was the next day and had planned to call. I broke down and cried...
We talked a little the next day and I could tell she felt bad about it. I told her I knew this would be a bad week as our anniversary was coming up on the 27th. We agreed to get together again for our anniversary and have dinner. The dinner went well and things started with the hand holding as it did the prior time. This time things went even farther...I spent the night with her. We were getting very close and she said I want to make love to you but I'm scared of what happened last time. Well we did...and I spent the next night. I was starting to feel like I was winning but had to get back to my job in Atlanta so I left early Friday morning. She told me it was a wonderful time and that she really enjoyed it.
We talked more as the week went on. On Sunday her attitude really changed and she started saying things like "our" house etc...I became very encouraged. Monday she asked me if I wanted another date and since I had Wednesday and Thursday off I said let's do it Tuesday figuring I could maximize my time with her.
I got there and we had a great night Tuesday. She seemed to really be coming around. Wednesday morning I was making pancakes for her daughter and out of the blue she came up to me with a smile and handed me my wedding band. I had given it to her when I left and told her to give it to me when she was ready. She gave me hers and I got on my knee and asked her to be my wife again. Wednesday evening was great too and as I fell asleep with her in my arms it felt so good. I woke up Thursday morning and just looked at her. She woke up about 10 minutes later and her face lit up and said hey baby. Later that day she texted that I was all she could think about and that it felt like we were newlyweds...that night she told me it was so much easier than she expected it would be. She had texted him and told him I was there and then Thursday texted him we were back together.
The night went well until he and one of her friends were at the same bar (not where we were) and he was broken up and crying. Her friend texted her that she should at least meet or call him to tell him. We discussed it and she went to call him. It seemed to take forever and I went outside to find her on the phone crying. I was a bit shaken but held her tight as I promised I would when a time like this came. She assured me we were together and it would be ok.
The next morning (Friday) I got up to see her off for work. She never came home...I went to his house and there she was. She said they were just talking but I noticed her ring was off. She said she's not ready to end it with him...I asked her to come with me and she said they weren't done talking. She ended up going in. She never came home that night.
I spent the weekend there and left Monday. What happened that week felt very real...you can say things and lie but the way she acted was real. I told her so many times just to let it happen and it would...and it was!
So this week I decided I'd try and meet someone else. On Wednesday I wrote someone and sure enough, we ended up making plans for Friday (last night). My wife had told me all along I should go out and have try to have fun but she wanted to know...this time I decided to tell her. As I was on my way there I called her. I told her what I was doing and I could hear the familiar uncertainty in her voice. We talked as I drove and I told her I had to go because I needed to use the GPS on my phone. When I got there, I texted her and said "wish me luck"...her reply was "good luck...I think". The date went very well. It's obvious we both liked each other. As the night went on she excused herself to the restroom and I sent a quick message...she is intense. Before I got the reply she way back. As I left and got in my car I read her reply...what do you mean? I thought for a moment and said to myself, I had a great time and who cares anymore. It's time to move on. Shortly after I woke this morning, I got another text...what did you mean intense? I talked to her and let her know that things went very well and that I could see her very easily getting me to fall for her. A point from which there would be no return.
So that's what's happened so far and here comes where I need advice...
I talked to her quite a bit today. There's something I've offered her before which was to keep seeing him. We talked quite a bit more about that today and I believe she's worried. She made a comment that if he calls her she can't resist going and that it wasn't fair to me. I said you know what you have in me and I can tell that part of you wants that - tell me I'm wrong. She said you aren't.
She has three things she can't get past.
1 - She said she's talked to him about this and he's so scared after what happened last week he's very against it. She's worried that he won't see her anymore. To me it's virtually impossible that would happen and I think he's just trying to keep her for himself. I suspect he'll stomp his feet a bit but there's no way he won't want to see her.
2 - She's not convinced I'll be ok with her going. I have quite a few pictures of them together that he took with her phone and she sent to me. I've avoided them until this week. I wanted to know before I told her I could really do it that I could. So I've "done" myself 3 days in a row at this point looking at those pictures. I know in my heart I can do it. But she's concerned.
3 - Because of how I lost my patience pretty badly with her daughter, she's concerned that if I can't handle it, something like that will happen again.
So those are the 3 things on her mind and I know she's confused and still wants to be with me but she's not ready to let him go. She said I can't have my cake and eat it too and I replied yes you can.
So what I'd like to know is first, am I crazy? I love her and want to be with her but I'm at a point where I could give myself to someone and might have just found someone.
And second, how can I make her more comfortable that I'm ok with how this would work.
I previously posted a reply. It decided it was way too long. I'll give the much shorter version of the same thing here. I'm going to be blunt, but my intention is to help you see what I think is really going on.
You are in a codependent relationship with your wife. That means neither of you have the maturity or self esteem right now to be in a healthy relationship with each other - or anyone else. Both of you have poor personal boundaries. Her spending the night with the other guy and on a whim, you seeking other women during this drama with her, and her reluctant interest in you only after you found someone else ( ie. what do you mean intense?) clearly demonstrate that.
Adding other people to this mix, whether someone for you or someone for her, will exponentially ( 10x at least) increase the drama. It won't solve it. Her new relationship will fail at some point in the future (codependence there too). She may want to come back to you then, but she will not have anything stable or loving to offer you any more than she does now. She won't be coming back to give anything. She'll want to get relief from you from the pain that developed with him.
Codependent people don't know how to love. They only know how to try to grab energy from others. The only real solution here is to let both of these women go. Stop chasing women. Get yourself emotional stable and healthy before you get involved with anyone else.
Codependent relationships are a roller coaster ride of highs and lows. There is no stability to form a healthy relationship. The highs are not love or self esteem. The lows cause people to seek out others for relief. If you decide not to work on your low self esteem, you will stay on the roller coaster.
Do you have the courage to let these two women go and learn to love yourself? If not, your going to stay on the roller coaster.