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  #1  
Old 07-14-2012, 10:32 PM
MandaPanda MandaPanda is offline
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Default MandaPanda, Hi Nice to Meet You All :-)

Hi my name is Amanda aka MandaPanda,
I am part of not sure what the term is but we (my husband and I) are dating another couple(Chris and Jay). We have been together for almost a year now. We started out in the swinging community but that wasn't our cup of tea and we learned of Polyamory and have looked for several years until we found Jay and Chris. I have had a previous relationship that went very well and lasted for about a year and half until he got another job in another state. Robert has had another on again off again girlfriend (Denise) and he currently is also seeing a lady (Amy).
That is my current dynamics... Looking forward to meeting new friends here on this board.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:28 PM
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Hello Amanda,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like this Amy person is something of a problem? unless I am reading that wrong.

In any case, I hope Polyamory.com is a good "virtual home" for you, and that we can answer any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-19-2012, 03:58 PM
MandaPanda MandaPanda is offline
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Default Amy

Thanks Kevin for answering my introduction... and yes Amy causes problems within the group. She does not put any effort into the relationship with my husband. She won't come over to the house. She won't let him go over to her house. She only wants him to meet her at a gas station before or after work and sit in their vehicles and talk.
We invite her to family gatherings and their is always a reason why she can't come. She has two teenage sons.. she says she told them about us but we haven't met them yet. They have gone to their grandfathers for the summer and she still won't come over and hang out at all..
I just don't like the way she treats us. She says she wants to be alike a sister wife ... which in my words are where the girlfriends are close and do things together too. but she doesn't show it. So I am not happy with her right now.
My husband says he is just going to let things ride and see where it leads.. He stopped putting effort into it also.. She is just supposed to be part of the family and doesn't act like it.
Any suggestions on how I can work through this I will appreciate feedback.
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Old 07-19-2012, 08:05 PM
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Well, that sounds like a tough nut to crack. Have you met Amy? Do you have any opportunities to talk to her?

Is your husband still meeting her (at a gas station) before or after work? It seems strange that she wants this kind of relationship with him, has she said why?

I think it could be useful to write a letter to her, if you have some way of getting it delivered to her. I would suggest spend some time talking in this letter about your feelings and frustrations. However, have a care to be diplomatic in the letter, and not demeaning in any way. Even if you feel like lashing out at her, try not to do that.

Everyone does the things that they do for some reason, and sometimes it's a different reason than we thought. Increased communication with Amy might lead to an understanding with her that was unexpected.

For some reason, Amy is reluctant to meet at people's houses. She's reluctant to meet people in person. There must be something driving this reluctance.

It sounds like the situation is driving you nuts, but for some reason your husband doesn't seem to mind it. Why is he content with just chats at gas stations? If he is content with that, is that something you can live with?

Re:
Quote:
"My husband says he is just going to let things ride and see where it leads ... He stopped putting effort into it also ..."
What effort was he putting into it originally? Has he said why that effort has stopped? What kind of effort would you like him to do? When you talk with him about the situation, what comes out of the conversation?

I'm just curious about the situation, because Amy seems to be acting strangely. But there could be quite a range of reasons for that. Heck, maybe she is just extremely shy and reclusive. But I won't assume that unless I know more about it. Could be some sinister reason too. Or maybe apathy is what's driving her. Or she's afraid of something.

In any case, more communication would be a good idea. Let me know what has been revealed by any communication so far. Hopefully your husband will at least talk about it, if Amy doesn't?

I hope I can be of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-22-2012, 05:39 PM
MandaPanda MandaPanda is offline
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I have met Amy a few times. We have had lunch together.The first few weeks they started dating she would come over to the house after work a couple times a week.

No he isn't meeting her at the gas station anymore. Especially right now as he is traveling a lot right now.

Originally he was meeting her in the mornings or afternoons. But that had to stop cause he was taking off work early or going in late. He just couldn't risk his job over this.

Robert and I talk about Amy often. I had told him I had given up on the thought of her and I being close. I told him that I feel like she doesn't treat him right. He said he was more or less let her hang herself in the relationship.

I texted her good morning the other day and we talked for alittle bit. The next morning she wished me a good morning first. But I haven't heard from her since. He says she started calling him again.

I don't know if she is scared of things or not.. But I just know I don't like where the relationship is going. I want more out of it.
Thanks for talking to me about this... It is nice to have someone outside of the family to talk to about it.
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Old 07-22-2012, 05:58 PM
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Sure, no problem.

You might have to be very straightforward with Amy about what you want (and expect) out of the relationship. She seems to be either clueless or reluctant (or both). You haven't spent all that much time with her yet, so you may need to get to know her better to understand what makes her tick.

As for Robert, "I'm letting her hang herself in the relationship" seems like a poor excuse for doing nothing to affect the situation. Does he really care so little for her? If so, why doesn't he break up with her straightaway? What about your feelings about the relationship, if there's something you want him to do, doesn't he care enough to either do it or at least give you a substantial reason?

Can you give any specifics? Such as, what is Amy doing to not treat Robert right? What about sitting down all three of you for a sober talk about the relationship problems? Is that something that can be done? Are Robert and Amy actually seeing each other at the moment?

I don't know if any of these questions or comments will help, but I thought I'd give it a try.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:05 PM
MandaPanda MandaPanda is offline
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I have tried being straight forward with her but through texting. I do agree that we all need to sit down and discuss things but we can't get her to meet up these days. Robert and Amy have not seen each other in over a month. They talk on the phone and text daily.

He says he cares for her a lot but just doesn't know how to deal with the situation. he was hoping that she would catch on and put forth an effort to make things work out..
I feel she isn't treating him right by not spending time with him. Coming up with excuses as to why she can't come to family functions. She did not even come to his b.d. party. She talks to him for a few minutes on her way into work and on her way home from work and that is pretty much it. I feel there needs to be more involvement.

I guess i want to see him happy with her and I don't feel he is. I see that he wants more from her .
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:59 PM
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Ah, so he is experiencing a hot love for her, but she is only returning it with a lukewarm interest in him.

As far as I know, the best you can do is tell him that you wish she would show more interest in him. It might be the right thing for him to do to break up with her, but he kind of needs to come to this realization for himself; it's not something that can be done for him.

On the other hand, does he say that he is content with the situation with her as-is, or does he say he wishes she would show more interest in him? Who knows, maybe he is okay with this situation. Not all relationships have to come to the same level of involvement/intensity.

But as long as you are letting him know of your concerns, and if you wanted you could certainly suggest to him that he break up with her, but there's no guarantee he'll want to do that. Perhaps he needs more time to figure out what he wants?

Re:
Quote:
"He says he cares for her a lot but just doesn't know how to deal with the situation."
Now that I can appreciate. He may have to learn on his own how to deal with the situation, but you are fine to make suggestions to him if you want to, just keeping in mind he is still his own person, and needs to make his own decisions.

It would be great if Amy would talk, connect, and participate more, but that doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon. Sometimes a relationship is entirely in sync, sometimes not. When it's out of sync, you have to hope for some kind of compromise or resolution.

I hope each of you find your needed resolution soon.

Regards,
Kevin
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