Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-24-2012, 04:00 AM
zephyrrine zephyrrine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 17
Default do you think closed relationships abusive?

Recently i was told that monogamous relationships are abusive because they established a slave like ownership over you partner.If you are in a closed relationship with rules or anything like this, you are abusing you partner. Does anyone else feel the same? I completely disagree with this thought .
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-24-2012, 04:07 AM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
Default

I don't agree at all. Generally relationships are monogamous because that is what both people want. Having the expectation that your partner will not sleep with other people or love other people isn't abusive, just like having the expectation that your partner will tell you if he/she DOES sleep or love someone else isn't abusive.

I think the ownership issue comes up in relationships of all varieties - monogamous, polyamorous, polygamous (probably more often in religious traditions that call for this), friendships, families, etc. It all depends on the people, not the relationship structure.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-24-2012, 09:15 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,345
Default

Sounds like whoever told you that is a "One True Way" person. I disagree with them. In my opinion the number of partners and/or rules isn't what makes a relationship abusive. The way the partners treat one another and possibly the content of the rules are.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-24-2012, 02:13 PM
Ready2Fly Ready2Fly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 45
Default

I don't think that they're abusive just because they're monogamous. Any kind of relationship can be abused by abusers.

I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-24-2012, 04:16 PM
zephyrrine zephyrrine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 17
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.
That is what I believe as well. This person ideas of relationships were truley shocking to me
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-24-2012, 04:25 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,604
Default

It's only abusive if it's not agreed upon by both parties. If both people want to be in a monogamous relationship with each other I fail to see the problem.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-24-2012, 09:26 PM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.
I don't see this being the case in all monogamous situations - in some, sure, but certainly not all. If someone truly believes in monogamy, then there is at least one more option: taking that desire and turning it into passion with your partner.

I do that when there is a person I really want, but know it would never work. I focus that desire and that energy on my actual partner(s) and usually have a very good time because of it.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-25-2012, 12:14 AM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Ugh, spare us from the One True Wayers. Those claiming that poly is somehow "more evolved than the slavery of monogamy". It's insulting to those who are quite happily making it work for themselves.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-29-2012, 03:39 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: PNW
Posts: 36
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.
This assumes that everyone has a desire pattern such as--apparently--yours is.

I've known many people--and was one for 15 years--who never looked at another person besides their partner and was as happy with that as I was at other times when I had intimate connections with other people.

I will note however that a lot of monogamous people DO have "intimate connections" of various sorts. They just may not look like sex.

Then again, I detest generalizations such as "it's the natural desire of humans to want Thing X." Case in point: I know a lot of introverts who are absolutely at their happiest and most creative when they don't have to deal with other people at all.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-29-2012, 06:33 PM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 271
Default

Not at all. Even when we were mono (in practice) he knew there was no ownership and continues to know. I belong to me. He belongs to him. It has always been that way and will continue to be that way.

I hate overblown statements like that. Like you gotta be kidding me.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
mono, mono/poly, monogamy, one true way

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:25 PM.