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  #11  
Old 07-11-2012, 02:20 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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I have to agree with Annabel's original question... That seems like a very important question that goes hand in hand with the problems you're facing.

The problems (as I see them):

1. Oh lies, fails to use safe sex practices, and would not hesitate to cheat on you if you asked him to step away from the gf for a while. He doesn't really seem to be willing to rein in his NRE at all, fails to respect the bf's need for space, and fails to respect you through all of these things.

2. The bf feels rushed and would really prefer to keep things non-sexual until everyone (especially him) has their feelings under control and understood.

3. The gf also allows herself to be pressured into having sex with oh even when she knows it goes directly against the wishes of you and the bf.

4. You are feeling neglected by oh, feeling unattractive at his desire for gf while seemingly having none for you, and are overall frustrated with the situation.

To me, it seems like NO ONE is happy, except for maybe oh who seems to be getting almost everything he wants (you bringing up his errors is apparently bothering him, but he still gets to screw who he wants, when he wants).

I really don't see long-term potential here unless oh straightens up and respects people, gf starts actually doing what she says she's going to do, and all of you get on the same page about what is and isn't okay.

Even in a swinging relationship, respect is imperative. I've seen many swinger couples end their marriages/relationships because one or the other decided that they were above the rules of safer sex and honesty.
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  #12  
Old 07-11-2012, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I have to agree with Annabel's original question... That seems like a very important question that goes hand in hand with the problems you're facing.

The problems (as I see them):

1. Oh lies, fails to use safe sex practices, and would not hesitate to cheat on you if you asked him to step away from the gf for a while. He doesn't really seem to be willing to rein in his NRE at all, fails to respect the bf's need for space, and fails to respect you through all of these things.

2. The bf feels rushed and would really prefer to keep things non-sexual until everyone (especially him) has their feelings under control and understood.

3. The gf also allows herself to be pressured into having sex with oh even when she knows it goes directly against the wishes of you and the bf.

4. You are feeling neglected by oh, feeling unattractive at his desire for gf while seemingly having none for you, and are overall frustrated with the situation.

To me, it seems like NO ONE is happy, except for maybe oh who seems to be getting almost everything he wants (you bringing up his errors is apparently bothering him, but he still gets to screw who he wants, when he wants).

I really don't see long-term potential here unless oh straightens up and respects people, gf starts actually doing what she says she's going to do, and all of you get on the same page about what is and isn't okay.

Even in a swinging relationship, respect is imperative. I've seen many swinger couples end their marriages/relationships because one or the other decided that they were above the rules of safer sex and honesty.
thank you for your post.

''1.Oh lies, fails to use safe sex practices, and would not hesitate to cheat on you if you asked him to step away from the gf for a while. He doesn't really seem to be willing to rein in his NRE at all, fails to respect the bf's need for space, and fails to respect you through all of these things''

I agree with this, my OH did agree at first to slow down which last a day and he got some alone time with gf, she is his 2nd sexual partner and we have been together nine years and mono for eight of these years, he has slept with another woman once though a swinging site and it didn't bothered me, he has said if I ask him to choose he would choose me however I can't control what he does when he goes to work, he could text her and delete the messages (which he has done before and I found out)

2. The bf feels rushed and would really prefer to keep things non-sexual until everyone (especially him) has their feelings under control and understood.

yes this is the case for bf, he said he is working on his feelings however last week we had sex after two months of not doing anything then gf gets upset because he isn't having sex with her (it was two weeks for them and yes she is primary partner) so I was very upset for her but then I felt bad but I thought she sleeps with my oh everytime they see each other ( once a week) but doesn't make the same time with her bf.

3. The gf also allows herself to be pressured into having sex with oh even when she knows it goes directly against the wishes of you and the bf.

the sex doesn't always bother me its her low opinion of my oh and my oh feels like she is making him out as a rapist, she can say no but she doesn't and I have seen her texts and she asks to have sex with him, I asked her last week not to have sex as we were going though a bad patch and she mocked me when I got back, well it seemed like she mocked me saying '' I am dressed so come in and look I still have my shoes on''

4. You are feeling neglected by oh, feeling unattractive at his desire for gf while seemingly having none for you, and are overall frustrated with the situation.

yes I do, he says he is ill or tired or busy and sits there on pc but when he is with her, he doesn't do all these things and he says I see you everynight and I only see j once a week, so what if I chose to spend it by having sex

my oh is just thinking with his heart, his penis and his brain and doing what he wants and I can't ever see this working, I just want to walk away
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  #13  
Old 07-11-2012, 05:38 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Okay. From you've said here, OH and GF seem to be emotionally manipulating each other, and not only that, but also you and BF. This is not healthy, nor is it okay. Half of this quad is selfish and demanding. That means it's not working for the other half, which in turn isn't working for the whole relationship.

If everybody can't get in a room, get in a circle, voice their individual concerns and make suggestions and solutions TOGETHER about how to make this a better situation for everyone to be in, I think you should step back. From everything. I do think keeping in contact with BF would be good though, as friends.
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  #14  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:34 AM
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morning everyone., oh was with gf last night, he said he wouldn't have sex but of course he did, gf didn't reply to my message but she knew how upset i was but she slept with him anyway, I said to oh if you had to chose between me and her who would you pick, he begrudging said me but if I made him pick he would resent me forever, I am seeing gf and bf again tonight ( I saw bf last night and he is also not happy about their relationship) I can't be with oh while he is with her, I suggested he have a break from gf, no lovely messages, cuddles or sex and he ignored me, I don't want to see gf anymore, she has done so much and now she is spiting us up.

me and bf have a good thing going, we hang out, cuddle, chat and confide in each other but we are like very good friends and we are working on that atm, he isn't happy with some of the things gf and my oh have done but he doesn't know what to do
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  #15  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:41 AM
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jones jones is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
Okay. From you've said here, OH and GF seem to be emotionally manipulating each other, and not only that, but also you and BF. This is not healthy, nor is it okay. Half of this quad is selfish and demanding. That means it's not working for the other half, which in turn isn't working for the whole relationship.

If everybody can't get in a room, get in a circle, voice their individual concerns and make suggestions and solutions TOGETHER about how to make this a better situation for everyone to be in, I think you should step back. From everything. I do think keeping in contact with BF would be good though, as friends.
thanks for commenting

yes I am stepping back, I am mad with gf, she knows what she is doing but she doesn't care, I spoke to oh last night ^^^ and you can see how that went, if oh can't find a middle ground with me then I can't be with him, my bf are good, we care about each other and hang out and talk, he is like a best friend but I do love him and that will never change but I like where we are right now, I think this will break us up
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  #16  
Old 07-12-2012, 03:20 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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OK, I often get confused with the configuration in cases like this, so please bear with me...

You are in a "V" - the person you call "OH" is in a relationship with gf as well as you. You have no romantic relationship with gf.

If this is the case you can not control or influence gf's behaviour in any way, nor should you try. Your relationship with with OH, and his behaviour towards you is what is important. It doesn't matter what gf is telling him or doing.

It sounds like he isn't respecting your wishes, and you are profoundly uncomfortable with this. You have told him this, and he is going ahead and doing it anyway. This is the fundamental issue, as I see it.

If he won't respect your relationship or your wishes, then it is HIM that is working to break the two of you up, not her. If you and he had a solid relationship, there wouldn't be anything she could do to break you up.

So forget her - tell him what you want out of your relationship. If he isn't willing to give that to you, then the relationship is at an end. It's as simple and complicated as that.

Edit to add: OK, I just re-read the other posts in other threads, and got it totally wrong, so never mind....
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 07-12-2012 at 03:31 PM. Reason: Nevermind :(
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  #17  
Old 07-12-2012, 04:48 PM
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jones jones is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
OK, I often get confused with the configuration in cases like this, so please bear with me...

You are in a "V" - the person you call "OH" is in a relationship with gf as well as you. You have no romantic relationship with gf.

If this is the case you can not control or influence gf's behaviour in any way, nor should you try. Your relationship with with OH, and his behaviour towards you is what is important. It doesn't matter what gf is telling him or doing.

It sounds like he isn't respecting your wishes, and you are profoundly uncomfortable with this. You have told him this, and he is going ahead and doing it anyway. This is the fundamental issue, as I see it.

If he won't respect your relationship or your wishes, then it is HIM that is working to break the two of you up, not her. If you and he had a solid relationship, there wouldn't be anything she could do to break you up.

So forget her - tell him what you want out of your relationship. If he isn't willing to give that to you, then the relationship is at an end. It's as simple and complicated as that.

Edit to add: OK, I just re-read the other posts in other threads, and got it totally wrong, so never mind....
hey hun.

Quote:
You are in a "V" - the person you call "OH" is in a relationship with gf as well as you. You have no romantic relationship with gf.
I did/do have a romantic relationship with gf but I don't have a romantic relationship with bf (he doesn't love me but cares for me and I respect that)

thank you for your post and I have taken your points on aboard, will post a update tomorrow thanks everyone xxx
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