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  #81  
Old 09-06-2010, 10:45 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Yes, Jade, those are great words! I have used them myself too!!

If you haven't read the other posts, I will update you all and tell you that C pulled the plug today. She was very very upset that I told her that I was pissed off at her. She went around and around making me feel like I had done something. BUT this time, it was her. Could I have handled it better....probably, but one should be able to speak their mind right?

During our Skype interchange first thing this a.m., she barely said Hello, before asking about the 'going on a date with hubby' question AGAIN!! Both of us have told her to chill with that....in actuality, he and I have talked about it and agreed that it would be okay, with a bit of planning etc. BUT NO, she has to push and push and push. AND now, she has pushed US out of her life. AND my heart is so so sad. AND the funny thing is/was...she wasn't even that into me! Except when she was drunk, which is what I told her yesterday....I like you better when you are drunk!! Is that a bad sign?

We will heal and we will be okay, but right now, it is raw. She is at home by herself and I feel bad for her. I always had empathy for her....and she, rarely could see my side at all, let alone 'feel' it! Fuck. Does something seem wrong with this picture?

Psquared
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  #82  
Old 10-08-2010, 03:54 AM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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I have two partners both do the same thing. They both start forming their answers while I am talking. They miss half of what I say and it drives me nuts and leads to misunderstandings.

I have been working on active listening and listening to everyone speak to me and then forming my answer. It is really hard for me and sometimes I feel rolled over and not heard.

I have been talking to both of them about this. However, they don't appear to be getting it. Anyone else have issues like this? Any clues what to do?

We are working on our communication. I learned I need to calm down and understand when one says something i think is insulting or without thought. I need to question their meaning. Sometimes it is my perception of what they are saying.

Any thoughts or ideas of books for improving communication?
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  #83  
Old 10-08-2010, 07:34 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Check out the communication thread in the stickies. Its hot lots of helpful stuff in it.

We practice non-violent communication skills. Last spring we ran a workshop on it and hope to again in the future. If you do a search for it on line you will find lots of interesting things about it including the book old the same name by Rosenburg.
I think if this were me I would ask them to repeat back what you have said when you feel they haven't listened to you. Maybe give them a warning that you will ask them to after you have finished talking, just to help them succeed in the task. The whole idea is to create a win win solution rather than one where you or they say "I told you so" this doesn't help anyone.

With some practice and some times where they have to repeat back I'm sure they will get it. Especially if you tell them you don't want to hear a response before they repeat back.
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  #84  
Old 10-08-2010, 12:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Ya, and watch out for what my husband does: his brain tends to retain only the last few words or the last sentence of what I said, even when I tell him I'm going to ask him what I just said. Then his mouth is able to replay those words, but he hasn't actually remembered anything. However, I know it's because he has a mild case of ADD, not because he's thinking about what he's going to say next.
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  #85  
Old 10-08-2010, 07:05 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I come from a family where it's all about talking all together. You start talking before the person you're talking to is done. They finish talking, you keep listening while you talk, they start responding to you while you're still talking, etc. Sometimes with more than two people talking all at the same time.
But we follow it all. We're just used to that.
Takes a lot of work for me to wait for people to be done talking after I feel I got the gist of it, or it's reminded me of something. Unfortunately, now that I do wait, I tend to forget what I meant to say, and then I resent the other person, because in 90% of the case I got what they were saying long before they reached the end, and I feel like they stole what I wanted to say from me. If I'm making sense. Like they're saying "I'm more important than you, therefore it doesn't matter if you forget what you meant to say, as long as I have the opportunity to add "and that kind of stuff" at the end of my sentence".

It's very frustrating for me because that's not how I work or how I was raised. I also feel mildly insulted by the insinuation that I can't talk and listen at the same time.
So I guess I get your problem from the other side of the equation. Unfortunately, the only way I've been able to "resolve" it is by not talking at all and letting the other person say whatever they want. I find though, that's when I stop listening.
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  #86  
Old 10-08-2010, 08:06 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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This is so funny, my husband and I just went through this exercise at our counceling session on Wed. We went back and forth, where one makes a statement and the other has to repeat back what was said. At the end, when it was my turn to make my final statement, my husband had to admit that he zoned out and didn't hear what I said. This happened twice for the same statement. It wasn't even like we were at home and there was anything to distract him. I guess I have to stop and ask often and don't expect him to keep up with me if I'm on some long diatribe.
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  #87  
Old 12-03-2010, 02:30 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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A link to a really good article on communicating...

http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...or.html?cat=25
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  #88  
Old 12-03-2010, 08:58 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
We practice non-violent communication skills. Last spring we ran a workshop on it and hope to again in the future.
I would be interested in that...
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  #89  
Old 12-03-2010, 09:16 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
We practice non-violent communication skills. Last spring we ran a workshop on it and hope to again in the future.
I hate the way that sounds because it implies that communication is "violent" by default.
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  #90  
Old 12-03-2010, 09:33 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I hate the way that sounds because it implies that communication is "violent" by default.
I know. Marshall rosenberg used it with street youth first and called it that. Some people call it compassionate communication.
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