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  #41  
Old 01-18-2010, 08:15 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
they sometimes find it easier to talk to others about me instead, but I eventually approach them myself and ask them what's up. All the while approaching with concern and respect that they are struggling to be respectful towards me.

I find that it's easier for me to talk to outsiders about when I LIKE someone (in "that" way) than it is for me to talk to the person I like about my feelings for them.

I think I'm hardly the only one, in regard to this.
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  #42  
Old 01-18-2010, 09:59 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Thank you everyone! I really only named some specific people because I know they have a tendency towards different perspectives (which is also why I ended the list of names with anyone else?).
This isn't an issue pertinent to Maca, GG and I. It's not a lover communication issue. (good news yes).

But it's still important. I GREATLY appreciate ALL of the helpful thoughts and suggestions!!
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  #43  
Old 01-21-2010, 08:41 PM
Estar Estar is offline
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Great thread, good links!!

I read a lot of wonderfully open and balanced opinions on this forum. So I feel you are all great communicators.

I often wonder how to get my feelings and thoughts across to my love without afterwards finding out that we didn't understood eachother. How to communicate while you have a different worldview on topics so "normal" that you think everybody has the same view.

I'm reading on non-violant communication. This manner of communication also keeps your observations and opinions as a personal thing and doesn't throw it at somebody. Interesting for all communication, essential in loving relationships.

Green greetings,
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  #44  
Old 02-03-2010, 08:25 PM
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Hi all,
Great thread.

If you are going to communicate something that is difficult or the other person will be resistant to, it is important to make a comfortable environment to support the other person (or yourself!). Deliberately scheduling time and taking the phone off the hook and arranging that there won't be interruptions are things you may wish to do.

The advice in this thread assumes that everybody communicating are honest agents, who WANT to clearly communicate. Occasionally you run into those who do not want clear communication - they are running their own agenda. The formal communication techniques described above in the post above can help to smoke them out. If someone never seems to have time for these clear, formal communication techniques - or they always prefer their own style (which never quite seems to get to the important things you want to talk about) then it would raise big warning flags with me. You may want to consider if you wish to remain close to them.

Warm regards, Rick.
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  #45  
Old 02-27-2010, 07:32 AM
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Wow, there's some great stuff in here. I printed out at least 3 posts.

I especially liked LovingRadiance's 3-sentence format. I think that could work really well for my husband and I, because I think we sometimes misunderstand each other and forget to paraphrase back. We also forget to revisit the issues the next day, and only remember when it becomes an issue again. So having an "appointment" to revisit it would be great for me.


I have another question about communication. As described above, my husband is a major introvert and I'm an extrovert: I come talk to him the moment something starts bothering me, and he only comes to talk to me after he's figured out 100% of what he's thinking and feeling, which leaves me wondering for 3 days what he's brewing about.

He's gotten much better in the past three years (3 days down from two weeks) but I would really love to be involved in his thought and problem-solving processes.

So what are some ways I can encourage him to talk to me sooner when something is on his mind? From his description, it takes him this long to "decide" how he's feeling about it and whether it's really a problem that needs to be addressed or just an "over reaction" on his part.

In my opinion, if he has a tinkling of a feeling about something, it should be adressed, because otherwise he's just going to convince himself that it doesn't bother him, when it obviously did if he spent 3 days deciding whether it bothered him. Right?
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  #46  
Old 02-27-2010, 10:28 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I have another question about communication. As described above, my husband is a major introvert and I'm an extrovert: I come talk to him the moment something starts bothering me, and he only comes to talk to me after he's figured out 100% of what he's thinking and feeling, which leaves me wondering for 3 days what he's brewing about.

He's gotten much better in the past three years (3 days down from two weeks) but I would really love to be involved in his thought and problem-solving processes.

So what are some ways I can encourage him to talk to me sooner when something is on his mind? From his description, it takes him this long to "decide" how he's feeling about it and whether it's really a problem that needs to be addressed or just an "over reaction" on his part.

In my opinion, if he has a tinkling of a feeling about something, it should be adressed, because otherwise he's just going to convince himself that it doesn't bother him, when it obviously did if he spent 3 days deciding whether it bothered him. Right?

My best friend (Amanda) and her wife (Wanda) have this EXACT problem and we were just talking about it. One of the suggestions we came up with in our conversation had to do with finding a way to provide a communication avenue what would satisfy Amanda's extroverted need for that overt processing and Wanda's introverted need for internal processing. They decided that for the time that Wanda was processing, she would make the effort to write that processing in an open journal that Amanda could read. HOWEVER, while Amanda could read the journal, she agreed that she WOULD NOT react to it or ask for conversations about what was in the journal until Wanda was ready. They also tossed the idea around of just communicating back and forth via that journal but decided not to.

The idea is that they're just working on creating a space for communication that fits both of their communication styles, which requires a bit of stretching on both of their parts.
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  #47  
Old 02-27-2010, 06:35 PM
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They decided that for the time that Wanda was processing, she would make the effort to write that processing in an open journal that Amanda could read. HOWEVER, while Amanda could read the journal, she agreed that she WOULD NOT react to it or ask for conversations about what was in the journal until Wanda was ready.
That's brilliant! It gives both of them a little bit of what they need. Wanda gets to process without interruption, and Amanda doesn't feel completely left in the dark. I'm going to suggest this to HB! It may be difficult for me not to afterwards react to something he changed his mind about, but that will be a good lesson in self-control.
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  #48  
Old 03-09-2010, 08:29 PM
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Default Compassionate communication (NVC)

I went to an afternoon course last week on Compassionate communication or Nonviolent communication (NVC). It was a work thing, but as usual, translated nicely into my real life. The facilitator was a local woman that had just written her masters thesis using the theories of NVC with the movie "the Wizard of OZ"

The movie starts with Dorothy getting into a dispute over Toto, her dog, and a neighbor woman who wants to impound him. Toto is considered a symbol of Dorothy's self being threatened. Dorothy is very upset and goes to look for someone to talk to about it. All her regular support systems are not available (auntie and uncle) and she begins to spiral into herself; the tornado.

When Dorothy lands on her feet again, everything has changed. She begins a journey, on the yellow brick road, to discover herself and in doing so, discovers how to take care of her own needs.

First she meets the scarecrow, who is looking for his brain. Often times when we go through a trauma we only seem to have emotions and our brain doesn't click in. Sometimes it makes us feel stupid and as if we should pull ourselves together in someway.

Then Dorothy meets the tin man, who is looking for his heart. Another part of the self that feels as if it goes missing as we are unable to empathize with others and be in the world with other people. WE are also unable to love ourselves sometimes.

In the scary forest Dorothy meets the cowardly lion who is her inner self feeling afraid and unable to face anything because they feel so damaged and crazy with their situation.

The wicked witch of the west comes into the scene several times and is a reminder of what happened to get her into this state in the first place. She is constantly trying to lure Dorothy back to her trauma state where she will not be on her road to discovery anymore and re-live the experience over and over again.

The poppy field where the group of freinds fall asleep, is where addictions come in to play. Sometimes it's easier to avoid the path and just sleep through life... addictions can be anything from drugs and alcohol to over working or filling ones life up with things to do so as to avoid discovering ourselves.

When Dorothy and her friends reach the Emerald city, which is symbolic of the ever illusive material gift that some people think they will get if they could only achieve better things in their lives, she discovers the wizard. Much to her disappointment the wizard is just an old man behind a curtain. He is also an illusion of someone that will take all her pain away and magically get her home.... or make her understand herself, feel safe and wanted in life.

The Wizard says to her, "I am a bad wizard, but a good man." Sometimes people think that it is a person that will make us be better. When it is discovered that they are only human too, there is anger and resentment there.

The good fairy is that constant reminder that we have people in our life that will stay by us while we discover ourselves. Sometimes that can manifest in having a favorite place or activity to do. The good witch suggests to Dorothy that she click her heals together in her ruby slippers and get herself home. She had the power to do anything she wanted all along, she just needed to realize that for herself.

Wow, this was so moving to me and has made me think of my own tornados in life. I have them everyday in small ways... some of them are much bigger. I seem to be on several yellow brick roads all at once too.

I hope this gives others food for thought. Of course I haven't done it all justice and I am sure that the facilitators thesis is very thorough. Still, hope it is helpful.
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  #49  
Old 03-09-2010, 09:00 PM
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The key question to me, though, is, were you listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while following this through?

In all seriousness, though, I think it has some good messages, for sure. I'm glad it was useful to you.

I have certainly learned a lot from this forum about what people consider to be effective communication, based on the examples that they have given in how they themselves act. It is teaching me a lot about the kinds of communication I want to participate in, and those I want to avoid for the sake of my own mental health.
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  #50  
Old 03-10-2010, 02:16 AM
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Wow! That hits home, redpepper. That sounds like it was a wonderful workshop. I've read a bit about the Hero with a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell. There are 5 ways to tell a story. And I have analyzed the Wizard of Oz in this light, but never in the light you just presented. Got me thinking! It's so true!
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