Mono secondaries, feeling love?

[WhatHappened]

Originally Posted by newtoday

It could be a mix of both.

I felt all that in stuff with my first husband, but I was 20, and I think that happens easier when we're younger and haven't been hurt much. I will say I was confused about not feeling that stuff the second time around (I feel a big distinction between love/in love). 8 years later I'm glad I didn't let the lack of butterflies keep me from exploring the relationship. Neither relationship was more rewarding because of the presence or absence of those things, both relationships are wonderful in their own right.

I don't think feeling "crazy" for someone is necessary at all to be in love. I've never had "butterflies in my stomach" for any of the people I've loved, because they made me feel comfortable instead of nervous. When it happened, it was just a natural connection and I wasn't afraid of being rejected anymore.

Thank you, all, for your insights and perspectives.

I think part of what scares me is the fear that I'm just inherently broken--and it scares me because I knew years ago that there would be an attraction between us if we were both available. It just has really bothered me that I'm not feeling what I expect to feel.

And that, of course, makes me ask if I'm guilty of leading him down a primrose path. I enjoy every minute of his company and completely look forward to seeing him again, never want to leave, and no matter how many times I tell myself I need to end this, I can't bring myself to do it. I want to see him again.

But it's clear he's feeling it, deep powerful emotions, on a whole different level than I am, smitten, in love, talking about wanting it to go on forever, while I'm holding back, knowing logically that it can't and won't go on forever as it is now.

I worry about what's the right thing to do for both myself and him.

[strixish]

Infatuation/butterflies =/= being in love.

Infatuation is all about me. Omigod, he's really into me, he thinks I'm pretty, is he thinking about me right now, is he looking at me with stars in his eyes to match the stars in mine, I want his attention, I need his focus on me, me, me, gotta refresh my email, okay check it again, oh WHY hasn't he texted me yet, isn't he thinking about me me me???? He is!!! He's looking at me! He wants me me me!!!

That's an exciting experience, but also awfully stressful. It's not a place I want to be long.

Being in love is, for me, about having an intimately emotional bond with someone, to the point where it feels like family. It's not about me. It's about developing a loyalty, a devotion, a focus on another person. It's a rare sort of bond for me, but when I get there, then (barring extraordinary circumstances), that person is family to me, even if the romantic relationship ends.

There's all kinds of love and affection that exists even when there's no infatuation, and no "being in love," or in combination with these. Language fails to really encompass the bonds and attachments that we're capable of. Relationships don't have match up with cultural preconceptions.

[RainyGrlJenny]

From reading some of your posts on other threads, I'm wondering if you're holding back or unable to feel those feelings with him because you don't consider your relationship to be what you want or wholly fulfilling. You describe yourself as "getting the short end of the stick" regarding your relationship, and mourn that he isn't available to be all the things you want from a partner.

I would say there's a decent probability that you are blocking yourself from investing in a relationship that is, for you personally, essentially a dead-end, not something that is lasting because you're on the lookout for a man who can meet your desires and preferences.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, necessarily. You have to do what's right for you.

On the other hand, other posters are also correct, butterflies are not a requirement of love.

[WhatHappened]

Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny

You describe yourself as "getting the short end of the stick" regarding your relationship, and mourn that he isn't available to be all the things you want from a partner.

Mourn isn't quite the right word, as I'm not at the point right now of wanting those things. I'd say more I'm aware that he never can be those things, so it would be foolish to allow myself to reach a point of wanting them.

I would say there's a decent probability that you are blocking yourself from investing in a relationship that is, for you personally, essentially a dead-end, not something that is lasting because you're on the lookout for a man who can meet your desires and preferences.

I think this is probably a large part of it. I suppose it leaves me curious what I'd feel for him--if I'd feel what I had always thought I would--if he were available in the normal order of things. But maybe at least I can quit worrying that I'm broken.

[almondgrrl]

Originally Posted by WhatHappened

I never want to leave when it's time to head home. I think about him in the days in between and even if it's only 24 hours until I see him again, it seems like a long time; I count the hours. I'm distracted thinking about him....

Yet I don't feel 'in love.' I don't feel infatuated. I don't think I feel NRE.

It bothers me because ...

That sure sounds like "in love" / NRE / infatuation to me. Maybe it's just the words themselves that you are uncomfortable with?