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Old 07-11-2012, 07:45 PM
Quietfever Quietfever is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hi QuietFever, welcome to the board!

Shoot a PM to Imaginary Illusion to move your thread. He did misread your post. This topic is of good general interest and should be on a different forum.

It's funny, even though I am a highly sexual woman, I can relate to your views on poly, and the sometimes unhealthy insularity of mono focused people, who shut themselves off from others to avoid jealousy.

Even thought I now know I've been poly all my life, like you, I didn't have a word for it for a long time, and in my case, I sometimes thought I was an immoral slut. I was in a mono relationship for 30 years, married, 3 kids, house, pets, etc.

My ex-husband has low self esteem and was highly jealous and threatened by any close relationships I had. This was particularly brought home when the internet developed message boards. I ended up on a board where I had a lot of platonic gfs who I became quite close with. My ex was even jealous of the time I spent with them, and imagined all we did was sit around and diss our male partners, including him. Sure, we did talk about issues we were having with our partners, but we also talked of so many other things! He always imagined the worst.

Also because of my poly nature, I would get crushes on friends sometimes, or on this or that celebrity. He used to scold me for having a crush on, say, Johnny Depp and tell me to get out and go live with him! (As if!)

Anyway, yeah, it was a blessing when the polyamory movement became more accessible via the internet and some new good books on the topic. Eventually my ex and I divorced, and I have found new partners and friends who really get my queer and poly nature, and my gods, it is SO freeing. I've never been happier in my life.
Oh my god THIS. This has been EVERY monogamous partner I've been with. It got to the point that I just couldn't stand being in a relationship anymore, if this is what it's like and it's even somewhat socially acceptable.

My exes both felt that any kind of deep conversation shared between friends, or even my posting on the internet about practically anything deeper than what brand of cat food to buy, constituted emotional infidelity... because all friendship energy belonged only within the partnership. My ex-husband was upset when I told my livejournal friends that I'd had a problem with hair pulling - he literally felt he should be the only person to know this about me (and my being open with the problem is part of my therapy for the problem and I could NOT make him understand that). He would throw tantrums if I paid more attention to someone other than him, even a platonic friend.

And my ex-girlfriend was upset when I mentioned being bisexual on another message board (I IDd as bi at the time). She couldn't stand that I shared my thoughts, dreams, etc with any other person - but she herself didn't really want to talk about them, either.

I had been single for VERY many years before these two (the two relationships were a year apart), almost all of my adult life, and felt sustained by my friendship groups and my FWB (who I may have possibly just committed to and stayed with for a long time (until I realized I'm primarily attracted to women, at least), if we'd known about poly - we just didn't want to be exclusive to each other and felt like if we were known to be a couple, we'd have to be) and my dating... but then felt like I had to "grow up" and get married because I was about to turn 30 and was being left behind by my (monogamous) social group who were all coupling off.

I'm really at the point where I can barely imagine anymore a relationship that is happy and isn't emotionally abusive and I'm frightened of being under the same roof with anyone. I almost think I would rather be a "secondary" than a primary. It would take a LOT to make me want to live with someone again. I really, really, really want a long time of enjoying the trips together and the dating and the falling in love before we move on to arguing over who last did the dishes or whether or not someone paid their share of the phone bill.

The partners seeming to think they need to own my *mind* is the worst part. My exes were obsessed with my writing and my thoughts and felt I shouldn't share my thoughts and dreams with any other person but them. My ex girlfriend didn't even want me talking about my writing with other people. I had told her that my writing was the most important part of me, it represented my inner world - then she felt that it was emotional cheating if I talked about it with anyone else (but didn't herself want to talk about it and wasn't a really good person to talk to about it, not being a writer herself or even very interested). I haven't written since she and I were together

Last edited by Quietfever; 07-11-2012 at 07:54 PM.
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Old 07-11-2012, 11:09 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Usual caveat: I haven't yet read the rest of the thread! Bear with me! The short answer to the question is, in fact, "yes". I am not poly because I want more sex. I am poly because I think differently about a lot of relationship types, as you'll see.

Originally Posted by Quietfever View Post
For the first time I feel relieved of this pressure and like if I wanted to live outside of the paradigm of marriage and primary partnership, then it would not mean being totally alone. I am a very loving friend and enjoy one-on-one time with people and connecting at a deep level. In a weird way, by letting go of the pair paradigm and by letting go of trying to find a soulmate, I feel more likely to actually find one, too.
The bolded part is what feels liberating about embracing who I am. Other girls had wedding dreams; mine were nightmares. I also had a hard time understanding the exclusivity of pairing off. Partly this was because I felt like the "one" at the tail end of a population of umpteen and one. Partly this was down to not getting why, if A wants B, C wants B, and B likes both, they can't all get along.

I don't believe soulmates come in pairs, either. I suspect that if we do have souls, those souls bond in so many different permutations over time, with so many different people, that it's pointless to declare one mate. More a matter of metaphysics, though.

Now that I have some poly friends, I always have someone to see a film with or talk to, even if they are in a relationship. The relationships aren't totally "airtight" against deep friendships with other people the way my monogamous friends' relationships are.
It's one thing to be monogamous. It's quite another to insulate oneself against anyone outside that monogamous pair. How simultaneously lonely and stifling, to only have one "person" but to be stuck with that one all the time! I'm used to extended families -- grandmothers, aunties, cousins, and the like -- and I think my friendships reflect this. It takes a village, etc.

When I've been in monogamous relationships, however, that person tended to be very threatened by the other people in my life. I've ended up MORE lonely in relationships than I've ever been single.
...like I said.

They expected to be the only person with whom I shared Deep Conversation type of energy. They wanted to be the only person who knew about my life. Trouble is, plenty of people do. I'm not that hard to know.
I've had a similar problem. I had a boyfriend who wanted to shape me. He had already determined that he knew me exclusively, better than I knew myself. His attempts to change me silenced me as thoroughly as if he'd forbidden me to speak with anyone from the outside. In a sense, I feel he thought I was cheating on him with... me. Which is sad.

Whereas I am happiest living in an amorphous web of relationships (I'm capable of having multiple best friends) of various levels of depth and I don't want to feel like I have to suddenly transition my friendships to shallow acquaintanceships when I become romantic and sexual with somebody. I don't feel like I am a fit in the "pairs" world and I've been deeply unhappy when I've been part of a pair. I'd like to be in love - but I'd like it to evolve organically. The "pairs" world seems to leave no possibility for that.
It only behaves that way if we let it. I only stay friends with people who treat me like a human, not as a threat or a possession. I acknowledge how very precious CdM is to me, but he can't be everyone and everything to me, and I seek out people who feel the same about their partners. We're all over the spectrum; of the ones I consider best friends, perhaps two have opened themselves up to non-monogamous possibilities. The rest are monogamous or not telling. Don't get me wrong! I also enjoy my polyamorous friends! But I don't limit myself to them, either.

I try, also, to cultivate individual relationships with people. That guy my friend married is Ryan, not Alyx's husband. He is jolly fun all by himself, and you want him on your side in an RPG. I don't force it. If I can't relate to a friend's SO, then I can't relate, but it doesn't change who my friend is to me. If I fake it, attempting to like someone just because she is John Doe's wife, what happens if they divorce? Will the ex-Mrs Doe expect more from me than I feel? (This really happened. It was a mess.)
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
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Old 07-18-2012, 07:39 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Hi Quietfever,
Just wanted to welcome you to our forum.

You make some interesting points, and it is often felt (by poly folks) that polyamory is, first and foremost, an emotional thing (while not ruling out the sexual). I'm personally of the mindset that there's something of a slider between "how monogamous" or "how polyamorous" different people are by nature. I'd almost say you seem like a "very poly person" who's been with some "very mono people," but actually it sounds like your monogamous partners were just plain possessive and insecure.

If two people happen to be monogamous and enjoy relating to each other emotionally to the exclusion of others, that's (theoretically) okay as long as both people feel that way. But when one of the two people longs for outside (such as deep/platonic) type friendships, it seems like the other person should be willing to compromise a little and allow for those friendships. There are ways to be wholesomely monogamous, but monogamy isn't for everyone. The problem is that standard social beliefs are that monogamy is for everyone.

I can agree that polyamory seems to be a perfect fit for you. I guess we can call it emotional polyamory when it doesn't result in a sexual relationship, but the point is, you needed the freedom to just let the various relationships in your life be what they are.

Anywayz ... glad you could join us, hope you will feel at home.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:36 PM
thatgirliknew thatgirliknew is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 6

I think I'm into the poly lifestyle for mostly nonsexual reasons. I love my partner, I've been with him for 5 years, but he's not really a talker and on a lot of levels we are polar opposites.

It's really hard to explain for me. He's a great provider for the family, he loves spending time with us, he's a very fun person to go out with and be social, and I truly do love him. But I'm more into a "natural" lifestyle and embrace the ideas of peace, equality, etc. Not that he doesn't but just that he doesn't as much as me. He's not a big spending time in nature person. He doesn't always want to sit up all night talking (unless he's smoked, then he won't be quiet) I need someone to be there for THOSE parts of my life as well. That's why I think poly works. No ONE person can "match" every part of your personality.

Now, with all that being said, am I avoiding a sexual relationship if we have another partner? No, but that is not why I'm seeking one out.
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