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  #1  
Old 07-14-2012, 11:35 PM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Default Do you think a poly relationship would work in my case?

Where to start. I'm a male and have been with my partner who is a male for 10 yrs. We are 37 yrs apart. I am 33 and he is turning 70 in a couple of months. When we met I had a boyfriend of one year, but ended up leaving my boyfriend for him.

We have never really been "completely" monogamous or had a conversation about it. We have had a few threesomes, but mostly I have hooked up with other people on my own. We really can't find people that are both compatible with us, since I like older and he likes younger. Mostly I have hooked up numerous times with other people without his knowledge, but occasionally he finds out and exhibits disapproval. He thinks hooking up with other people is OK every now and then, but you should never plan it, go looking for it, or see someone multiple times.

About 3 yrs ago, I met someone and we developed an intense connection. I thought about trying to open the relationship up, but a mutual friend suggested I only had the 7 yr itch and to leave it alone. So I continued hooking up with this guy, which my partner eventually found out about. He wasn't completely thrilled, but I don't think he was worried since the other guy was in an open 30 yr relationship. My addiction to alcohol and drugs spiraled out of control and I spent the next couple of years battling my addiction.

Fast forward to now. Clean and sober for one year, I again start meeting people and having sex. At this time, my partner and I don't have sex, he has no desire for sex. I have to like force it on him, which I don't feel is fair to either of us.

I met a few people, but one person in particular that I would like to develop our natural connection that was sparked. We instantly clicked and I no longer feel the need to hook up with other people. Would be completely content with my partner and my friend who I will call Kent (he is 63).

One might say, why not just continue to hook up with this guy on the side? I could do that, but I'm tired of hiding these encounters and feel that what we have may add to my existing relationship, if it were open. I don't know.

Thoughts on this issue would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post
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Old 07-15-2012, 02:15 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I definitely think honestly would be for the best. I think you owe it to your partner not to go behind his back, and I hope he'll be fine with opening the relationship. Sadly I think you did break his trust on a number of occasions so he's likely to want to take it slow if he's willing to open up. But I certainly think it's a discussion that should probably happen.

Aside from that, I don't really have much advice, any advice would depend on his reaction to your conversation. I also suggest that whatever boundaries he puts in place, you follow them the best you can so you can prove to him that you deserve his trust, and maybe he'll be less strict as time goes by, as is often the case. But if you break his trust again, he probably won't want to hear about it after that and you'll have missed your chance.
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Old 07-15-2012, 02:22 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Well, why not at least try being honest? What's the worst that could happen? Having to keep someone a secret isn't good for either of you, it's like being in the closet.
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Old 07-15-2012, 02:33 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Well, if there was ever a time to have a conversation about what both of you desire out of this relationship, it's right now.

No more hiding, no skirting around issues. An honest heart-to-heart with lots of reassurance and a will to commit to whatever is revealed going forward.
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Old 07-15-2012, 03:27 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Yeah, I know I need to have that conversation, but I'm just trying to figure out how to bring it up. I have left literature around the house, but I don't think he thinks too much about it, because I'm studying this stuff in school. My therapist said he's just playing "willful ignorance", which would make sense, because when I try to hint at it, he promptly changes the subject.
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Old 07-15-2012, 05:41 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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If he tries to change the subject and isn't receptive, it might be a bad sign. I suggest you start by telling him you're not having "the talk" and you don't want to break up with him, and maybe that will reassure him.
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Old 07-15-2012, 01:38 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi

As everyone else has said... it's time for The Talk! The poly talk, that is.

It sounds like he's not completely against the idea of you being with other people, but yes, the fuzzy guidelines (which you have probably bent to your favour, because you can) have probably dented his trust.

First off, though: what do you want?

Is being poly a need for you? If he wanted monogamy, would that be the end of your relationship? You have to be clear with him, and yourself, on your own realistic needs.

Cheating is cheating, poly is poly, grey area is whatever you decide it is. Hiding things is not great. Really not great.

Ok, so let's say he remains vague about what guidelines you two should have. Then you'd have to tell him that with no clear guidelines, you're going to end up doing what you want, essentially.

Can you be satisfied with your partner and "don't ask don't tell" hookups? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you need more, from my perspective. And that's ok if you do.

So you have to communicate with your boyfriend. Or your boyfriend has to accept that if you don't communicate, neither of you will be totally clear and problems will arise here and there.
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Old 07-15-2012, 02:27 PM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Hi
Is being poly a need for you? If he wanted monogamy, would that be the end of your relationship? You have to be clear with him, and yourself, on your own realistic needs.

Cheating is cheating, poly is poly, grey area is whatever you decide it is. Hiding things is not great. Really not great.
Is being poly a need for you?

To answer your question, is poly a need for me. Since I have never been able to experience a true poly relationship, I don't know. Based on my history, I do know that I have never really been exclusive to any one person. I like connecting with multiple people on an intimate level.

If he wanted monogamy, would that be the end of your relationship?

If he wasn't for the idea. I would probably just continue doing what I have been doing for the past 10yrs. Since like I said, I have never been "truly" monogamous.

But like you said hiding things is not great, really not great.
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Old 07-17-2012, 03:43 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
Since like I said, I have never been "truly" monogamous.
So few have that I'm of the opinion that "truly" monogamous is a myth.

Leaving literature around, hinting at it in conversations, I'm of the opinion that this is not going to work. Unless you are content to be pseudo-monogamous for another decade (that sounds horrible) I suggest you unambiguously talk to this man. If you care about the relationship and have a desire for him to come on this journey with you then beating around the bush is just doing harm to you and him.

Pay him the courtesy of treating him as an adult. Tell him honestly (and gently) how you feel. Just say it, don't hint at it.

That's my take. Good luck
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Old 07-17-2012, 06:00 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
....About 3 yrs ago, I met someone and we developed an intense connection. I thought about trying to open the relationship up, but a mutual friend suggested I only had the 7 yr itch and to leave it alone. So I continued hooking up with this guy, which my partner eventually found out about. He wasn't completely thrilled, but I don't think he was worried since the other guy was in an open 30 yr relationship. My addiction to alcohol and drugs spiraled out of control and I spent the next couple of years battling my addiction.

Fast forward to now. Clean and sober for one year, I again start meeting people and having sex.... At this time, my partner and I don't have sex, he has no desire for sex...
Whether or not you're concerned about "honesty" as it relates to your relationships and/or polyamory....I'm thinking if you intend to stay clean and sober that "honesty" is ESSENTIAL in every aspect of your life. Recovery is a program of honesty...with yourself and with others. (And I believe that the word "Rigorous" often precedes the word "honesty") If you don't have your Recovery....you won't have much of anything in your life as I"m sure you've already experienced when your addiction spiraled out of control.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 07-17-2012 at 06:10 AM.
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