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  #41  
Old 07-29-2012, 12:27 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So to recap.....5 or 7 yrs ago you have maritial trouble ...your sex life got boring ....you lost interest in your husband ...you pushed for additional partners an or excitement...swinging, etc. He found other women to fulfill that unmet need and you found someone more exciting as well.

During that time did you experience the spillover effect ...did it enhance your sex life with your husband ? My guess is no....or...Worse as result he lost interest in you. Now with the bf dumping you...that distraction is over ...now you want back in ....unfortunately it's too late. This so reminds me of another member ... kindapod.. He ..the husband was pushed into poly ....he remained mono for many yrs ...saying ihe didnt like it and it bothered him...finally after 7 yrs or something decided to find a girlfriend. And he did... and then fell in love. After a yr or 2 wanted to make her the primary. Bottom-line the damage was done yrs before. He said he loved his wife in human to human sense or cousin, sister,close friend sense but not in the romantic "in love with her" sense. And that they were and had been functioning as roomates for a longtime. The wife seem somewhat hurt and blindsided or confused by his new stance.

If you got depression issues or mental issues he may not be telling you exactly how he feels as he doesn't want the responsibility or work load of triggering some sort of a episode. I'm not divorced for that very reason ....I don't want cause further stress to my wife mental health. However I don't lie and say I love her either. It's a little awkward on the phone when she says I love you right before hanging up....but thanks and take care seems to fill in the gap.


I think you ahold go back to finding another distraction and be happy.


Or find a relationship that made you happy on all levels ....not trying to cobble 2 together. Who knows that could be
the source of the depression.

Last edited by dingedheart; 07-29-2012 at 12:50 AM. Reason: I suck at this
  #42  
Old 07-29-2012, 10:45 PM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re (from Daffodil, Post #36):


You can't think like that ... If he is staying with you, you have to trust that he is staying with you because he wants to. Is there something he has done (in the past) to cause you to not trust him?

Perhaps this isn't as complicated of a situation as it seems to be ... Perhaps he really does want to have both you and her in his life. Do you think that's possible?

Perhaps it would help if he would slow down with this other person?

Re (from Daffodil, Post #38):


That's kind of sad, to me. He's being reassuring towards you, and is a great guy, and you're afraid of losing him ... Don't you feel that you're a person who is worthy of love? I think that we, as human beings, are usually afraid of being vulnerable.

Polyamory = wanting to be with at least two different people. I feel that this is the part of the definition that you are having a hard time wrapping your mind around. You can ask him to do little things to help you feel reassured, but can you trust him to love you, even when he loves someone else also? This is the big question.
Here's my thoughts.

Yes, that is polyamory. I got that. But when we opened our relationship, it wasn't what we intended. It wasn't as evolved as the rest of you guys to suddenly realize "oooh I'm poly, let me find someone else to love".

It was "I don't wanna have sex anymore so go find someone else for that.". Not exactly but you get my drift. Somehwere alone the way, he fellin love with another, as did I. Maybe, if we were honest with ourselves, we would admist that maybe we just fell out of love with each other. We love each other very much but just not feeling the passion, the romance, the love as it should be between spouses, as DH noted, family...

Yes, he does want to be with me too. Yes. But one day he may want more. And through soul searching and being less selfish, I've determined that I should just let them be togethern, if that's what he chooses tod do. I mean, isn't that the intent of poly, love many yes, but not hold your loved one back, their
happiness ranks high in importance?
And yes, I am worthy of love. My husband does love me. As did my boyfriend. So perhaps its time for me to think about finding someone else for me to love and who loves me the way my husband loves her. Truth is, I say I do, but I don't really belive that I love him like she does. sad but true.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So to recap.....5 or 7 yrs ago you have maritial trouble ...your sex life got boring ....you lost interest in your husband ...you pushed for additional partners an or excitement...swinging, etc. He found other women to fulfill that unmet need and you found someone more exciting as well.

During that time did you experience the spillover effect ...did it enhance your sex life with your husband ? My guess is no....or...Worse as result he lost interest in you. Now with the bf dumping you...that distraction is over ...now you want back in ....unfortunately it's too late. This so reminds me of another member ... kindapod.. He ..the husband was pushed into poly ....he remained mono for many yrs ...saying ihe didnt like it and it bothered him...finally after 7 yrs or something decided to find a girlfriend. And he did... and then fell in love. After a yr or 2 wanted to make her the primary. Bottom-line the damage was done yrs before. He said he loved his wife in human to human sense or cousin, sister,close friend sense but not in the romantic "in love with her" sense. And that they were and had been functioning as roomates for a longtime. The wife seem somewhat hurt and blindsided or confused by his new stance.

If you got depression issues or mental issues he may not be telling you exactly how he feels as he doesn't want the responsibility or work load of triggering some sort of a episode. I'm not divorced for that very reason ....I don't want cause further stress to my wife mental health. However I don't lie and say I love her either. It's a little awkward on the phone when she says I love you right before hanging up....but thanks and take care seems to fill in the gap.


I think you ahold go back to finding another distraction and be happy.


Or find a relationship that made you happy on all levels ....not trying to cobble 2 together. Who knows that could be
the source of the depression.
DH, thank you. I think that you are right on just about every level.

And my apologies to those ladies here that I offended. Loveforgirl is right, what I said was hurtful to those ladies in the secondary position. we invite them into our lives as poly mates, to love our spouses, and its wrong to treat them with such low regard because we suddenly have doubts, insecurities. I see the love and excitement in my husbands eyes when he interacts with his OSO and it does make me envious, jealous and insecure but if I truely love him, I should thank her for making him feel so wonderful and let what will be , be. Stop trying to control everything.

For those who have sent support and have been less than understanding of the negative reactions I have gotten over my posts, thanks but not required, if I were those insulted people, I'd be pissed off too.

DH, yes, time for me to find a new plan... Whatever happens, happens.

Thanks for everyones support.
  #43  
Old 07-30-2012, 12:20 AM
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Daffodil, this last post of yours seems to have a totally different tone from most of your others - you seem to care about him and his happiness - that's really encouraging.

Earlier posts seemed to be about tricking him and trying to control him. Now it seems like you are recognizing and being a little more accepting of the situation.

Either you have developed a new way of thinking about this situation, or it just didn't come out in your previous posts.

So this last one was nice to read.
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  #44  
Old 07-30-2012, 04:30 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Ciel. Yes and no. I have always recognized the situation. I've just decided to give up trying to control it. I've come to think that maybe DH is right, this situation only worsens my depression issues rather than help it. Maybe it's the root of much of my depression, grasping to something that's been gone for a long time.

Maybe he is better off with her.
Maybe I'm better off finding that for myself rather than forcing it from him.
Maybe one day I'll figure it out.
Or maybe one day she will tire of my antics and leave him, makes my job easier (sorry for the slight regression)

Last edited by Daffodil; 07-30-2012 at 04:33 AM.
  #45  
Old 07-30-2012, 09:22 PM
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If I am understanding you right, you don't necessarily think your husband will leave you *right now* for this other woman, but you have grave fears that your husband will leave you *someday in the future.*

You also spoke of not having the kind of romantic love in your marriage that you used to have, and this is a reason your husband might someday not want to be with you anymore.

I would point out that romantic relationships tend to change over time. In the beginning, there is a lot of NRE (New Relationship Energy), and the relationship seems very strong and intense. In later years, we lose some of that early excitement, and the relationship takes on more of a relaxed air. My question is, maybe you're experiencing this slow-down, and interpreting it as a loss of love? Maybe love is just changing, not dying.

Are there any positives in the way you and your husband feel about each other right now? Anything you could build on?

In any case, it shows great courage of you to be willing to let your husband go if he wants to be let go. I hope he will return the favor by staying with you voluntarily, but I realize I can't guarantee that.

In the meantime, think about what you enjoy about your husband *right now,* and make a point of enjoying that, as in the present, he is with you, so why not enjoy and treasure that. The present is all we really have; the future is uncertain, and the past can't be changed. So make the most of what you have right now.

Have you and your husband ever had (or thought about having) couple's counseling? Perhaps if you could find a poly-friendly professional to talk to, a way might be found to "bring some of the spark" back into your marriage. Don't know if you've already been there, and had bad luck in the past.

I appreciate your candor.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #46  
Old 08-02-2012, 08:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
Ciel. Yes and no. I have always recognized the situation. I've just decided to give up trying to control it. I've come to think that maybe DH is right, this situation only worsens my depression issues rather than help it. Maybe it's the root of much of my depression, grasping to something that's been gone for a long time.
Trying to control something like that definitely takes a lot of energy and can be depressing, for sure.

The only thing that you can influence directly is your relationship with your husband. not as a competition, because another is in the picture, but as just something that can make you (and him) happy. I would say that focusing your energies on making that the bets it can be, given who you each are, would be far more productive and may end up with you being happier.

After all, he may never decide to leave you, no matter how good his other relationship is...
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  #47  
Old 08-05-2012, 02:29 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
If I am understanding you right, you don't necessarily think your husband will leave you *right now* for this other woman, but you have grave fears that your husband will leave you *someday in the future.*
Yes, that's correct. I don't believe that he's making plans to leave me now. I do believe that he might one day do it in the future. Or what's worse, want to do it but won't and stay anyway. That just makes me pathetic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
You also spoke of not having the kind of romantic love in your marriage that you used to have, and this is a reason your husband might someday not want to be with you anymore.
Yes. But it's not the REASON. I know that he loves me. We have been together for a very long time and he supports me. However, what I failed to recognize for a very long time, that I recently recognized, is that although he loves me, he is IN LOVE with her. He won't tell me that directly because he knows it will hurt me but I recognize it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I would point out that romantic relationships tend to change over time. In the beginning, there is a lot of NRE (New Relationship Energy), and the relationship seems very strong and intense. In later years, we lose some of that early excitement, and the relationship takes on more of a relaxed air. My question is, maybe you're experiencing this slow-down, and interpreting it as a loss of love? Maybe love is just changing, not dying
Oh I understand what NRE is and I understand that love evolves and settles down. This slow down has been in place for a long time. As I said, I know that he loves me. I don't doubt that. I also know that it's growing for her.

The NRE between them is gone too and he is very much in love with her. That's the scary part.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
In any case, it shows great courage of you to be willing to let your husband go if he wants to be let go. I hope he will return the favor by staying with you voluntarily, but I realize I can't guarantee that..
That sure does make me look and sound very pathetic. I know that you meant well but "return the favor and stay voluntarily"? I'd much rather he leave than feel forced to stay with me.

The very fact that I have to beg him as it is to constantly reassure me that he loves me and desires me is starting to get old. I already recognize how pathetic I am for that. If I have to always ask the questions, don't I already
know the answers?

I was reading another thread on here by Cleo. And someone hit the nail on the head with their reply. Poly is great while both are enjoying other's company but when one loses that, the other one better watch out. Their outside relationship is put to the test then. Maybe if I start seeing my ex friend/lover again I'll go back to not giving a damn about my DH and his mistress again.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Have you and your husband ever had (or thought about having) couple's counseling? Perhaps if you could find a poly-friendly professional to talk to, a way might be found to "bring some of the spark" back intoyour marriage. Don't know if you've already been there, and had bad luck in the past.
No. I haven't. I already know my issues. He loves me but he's in love with her. And fighting that isn't going to make that better for me. But I'm sure going to try.
  #48  
Old 08-05-2012, 02:36 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Trying to control something like that definitely takes a lot of energy and can be depressing, for sure.

The only thing that you can influence directly is your relationship with your husband. not as a competition, because another is in the picture, but as just something that can make you (and him) happy. I would say that focusing your energies on making that the bets it can be, given who you each are, would be far more productive and may end up with you being happier.

After all, he may never decide to leave you, no matter how good his other relationship is...
You all have this pie in the sky view that this can all work out and everyone can and will be happy.

I beg to differ.

I believe that open relationships can work. I believe that people can go out and have sex with anyone they please and that can work just fine.

Johnny Depp once said. If you find that you are in love with two women, choose the second one, because if you were truely in love with the first, you would have never had the need for the second.

And so many people on here KNOW that already and deny it, to themselves, to their partners. Poly whatever. Sure, you can love two people. I do believe that. But to think it will work long term? No. It won't.

Thanks for being kind to me. I don't know what your personal situation is, but I'm sure, based on everyone else on here, that it hasn't been without trouble.
  #49  
Old 08-05-2012, 03:05 AM
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Thanks for being kind to me. I don't know what your personal situation is, but I'm sure, based on everyone else on here, that it hasn't been without trouble.
For the past four years, it's actually gone quite well, says one of his partners. We've gone at it with openness and transparency at the fore. When one of us three hurts another, we do say what we're feeling and it gets sorted.

I hope I have not led her to believe she will be left. If I have, I do deeply regret it and hope there is some way she will trust that she won't, because I don't want him to leave her. He loves her so much. Do you know he was moved to tears on our first New Year's together? Just to have the three of us celebrating. It was what he really wanted: both of us.

Whose personal situation isn't without little troubles? But as far as I have seen, we've weathered whatever storms we've encountered and are stronger for our commitments.

Here's a thought exercise: what could she do to assure you that she's not trying to take him away?
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  #50  
Old 08-05-2012, 03:10 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
For the past four years, it's actually gone quite well, says one of his partners. We've gone at it with openness and transparency at the fore. When one of us three hurts another, we do say what we're feeling and it gets sorted.

I hope I have not led her to believe she will be left. If I have, I do deeply regret it and hope there is some way she will trust that she won't, because I don't want him to leave her. He loves her so much. Do you know he was moved to tears on our first New Year's together? Just to have the three of us celebrating. It was what he really wanted: both of us.

Whose personal situation isn't without little troubles? But as far as I have seen, we've weathered whatever storms we've encountered and are stronger for our commitments.

Here's a thought exercise: what could she do to assure you that she's not trying to take him away?
Is his other partner on here? What does she really think of it all? He says...you say.....

What could SHE do to assure me that she's not trying to take him away? I don't belleve that she's TRYING to do that. As I said earlier, I don't believe she's doing anything wrong. She loves him. He loves her. They are in love with each other. She has asked me directly for more time with him. I have oblliged and allowed him that, but not without drama and making him feel bad. Yet he still goes to be with her, because he wants to be with her.
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