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  #31  
Old 07-24-2012, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
He thinks he gets a vote. But he really doesn't. I have a strong fight/flight response to this. Fight - I will pull out all the stops to keep him so that he doesn't leave me for her. Flight. - More like a fake flight - You can leave, I'll understand and forgive you for hurting me, your happiness is the most important. That gets him everytime.
This gives me the impression that you don't have a lot of respect for him. You allow him to think his opinion is important, but in your mind it isn't.

Then it sounds like you are playing mind-games to get him to feel like he doesn't want to leave you.

Neither sound very up-front, honest or respectful. You feel that he isn't respecting your agreements and relationships (that he wouldn't fall in love so deeply with another), but I am getting the feeling that this is a bit of a two-way street.

Is having him around (whether the relationship is truly working or just appearing to) more important to you than his happiness? It sounds like you, also, are feeling a lot of negative emotions - fear and jealousy amongst others. What would it take for you to be really happy? Is him being emotionally monogamous (maybe with sex play on the side) the only way you can picture that?

You said you were thinking about starting looking - do you only see that as a "safety net" in case he leaves you, or do you feel that having that second relationship would be good for you on its own? Do you feel that you could fall in love with another?

This stuff *is* incredibly complicated, and the emotions involved are some of the most compelling for us. Folks' responses on here have been in reaction to some of the wording that you have used, which they may well have misinterpreted. I will plead "guilty" to some of that, too, from reading what I said before. If that was upsetting, then please accept my apology.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 07-24-2012 at 11:58 PM.
  #32  
Old 07-24-2012, 11:51 PM
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He thinks he gets a vote. But he really doesn't. I have a strong fight/flight response to this. Fight - I will pull out all the stops to keep him so that he doesn't leave me for her. Flight. - More like a fake flight - You can leave, I'll understand and forgive you for hurting me, your happiness is the most important. That gets him everytime.

Counselling is a private matter. But yes, I have sought out help.
Okay, these sentences juxtaposed make me very sorry for you. Borderline personality disorder is nothing to sneeze at. However, with time and therapy, it is treatable, and I'm sure things will look better soon enough!
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  #33  
Old 07-25-2012, 03:39 AM
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Sorry about the questions but I'm having a hard time fully getting this.


Was the loss of your bf painful, or upsetting.

Additional support or a distraction?

Have been active in trying to find another partner?
  #34  
Old 07-25-2012, 10:41 PM
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Then it sounds like you are playing mind-games to get him to feel like he doesn't want to leave you.

Neither sound very up-front, honest or respectful. You feel that he isn't respecting your agreements and relationships (that he wouldn't fall in love so deeply with another), but I am getting the feeling that this is a bit of a two-way street.

Is having him around (whether the relationship is truly working or just appearing to) more important to you than his happiness? It sounds like you, also, are feeling a lot of negative emotions - fear and jealousy amongst others. What would it take for you to be really happy? Is him being emotionally monogamous (maybe with sex play on the side) the only way you can picture that?

You said you were thinking about starting looking - do you only see that as a "safety net" in case he leaves you, or do you feel that having that second relationship would be good for you on its own? Do you feel that you could fall in love with another?
I don't want him to leave me. The reasons are irrelevant.

I understand if he cares for another woman, he's a very caring man. But he loves this woman far too much for my liking. Sex is sex. Who cares about that.

I am putting up one strong fight. I'm declaring my undying love for him several times a day. I'm almost making myself sick with it. I love him, yes, but how I'm portraying it is overkill, so that he believes that I love him more than she does.

I definitely could and have fallen in love with another man. I still love him. I understand that that makes me sound hypocritical, and perhaps I am, but many others on here have stated quite clearly their discomfort with these Secondary women as well.

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Okay, these sentences juxtaposed make me very sorry for you. Borderline personality disorder is nothing to sneeze at. However, with time and therapy, it is treatable, and I'm sure things will look better soon enough!
Are you being sarcastic?? Please don't feel sorry for me. I DO NOT have borderline personality. I suffer from mild depression. It's not even that serious.


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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Sorry about the questions but I'm having a hard time fully getting this.


Was the loss of your bf painful, or upsetting.

Additional support or a distraction?

Have been active in trying to find another partner?
Yes it was very upsetting to lose my boyfriend. Who enjoys being ignored, forgotten? I guess it's my own fault for being so involved with him, it distracted me from realizing my husband was falling in love with this other woman.

No, I have not been active in looking. But I may change that if this continues with my husband.
  #35  
Old 07-26-2012, 12:00 AM
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Are you being sarcastic?? Please don't feel sorry for me. I DO NOT have borderline personality. I suffer from mild depression. It's not even that serious.
I can find half the people I know in the DSM, including myself. I've had a doctor suspect I was borderline, and I was behaving a lot like you are now. I also know from depression, since it runs in the family, so I'm glad yours is only mild.

The funniest thing about such vehement denials is what they betray about the person doing the denying. You know what BPD is; I'd guess this isn't the first time someone's wondered about you. I'd also guess that you were brought up either to think that mental illness is shameful (which it's not) or never to be discussed with anyone but your spouse and your therapist (...which I don't believe in, but hey, your brain).

I don't understand why you're so insistent on staying with someone who, though you love him, doesn't seem to care where your boundaries are. Often a refusal to leave an untenable situation masks an intense fear of loneliness. The prospect of starting over is terrifying, but sometimes you have to do it.
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  #36  
Old 07-26-2012, 02:19 AM
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I can find half the people I know in the DSM, including myself.

I don't understand why you're so insistent on staying with someone who, though you love him, doesn't seem to care where your boundaries are. Often a refusal to leave an untenable situation masks an intense fear of loneliness. The prospect of starting over is terrifying, but sometimes you have to do it.
DSM? I don't even know what that is. No, I do not have borderline personality disorder. I have mild depression. I don't even take meds for it, it's managed through proper diet and exercise.

So, what happened to your original thoughts on what I was doing to him? First you thought I was wrong, now you are saying that he should respect my boundaries? Which is it? Even I know it's wrong to veto their relationship after this long, that changing the rules this far into it is wrong. Even though I want them to end their relationship doesn't mean I agree that it's right. Hence my dilemma.

You are right on one thing though, I do not want to be alone. What if nobody else wants me? He leaves for her (and honestly she's great, this isn't her fault, hence my fears), my other bf left. I have some issues, what if nobody else wants me? that's why I need to hold onto him for dear life even though I know deep down he would be happier with her.
  #37  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:35 AM
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DSM? I don't even know what that is. No, I do not have borderline personality disorder. I have mild depression. I don't even take meds for it, it's managed through proper diet and exercise.
You're lucky not to know. You're lucky not to need medication. Give great thanks. It could always be worse.

Quote:
So, what happened to your original thoughts on what I was doing to him? First you thought I was wrong, now you are saying that he should respect my boundaries? Which is it? Even I know it's wrong to veto their relationship after this long, that changing the rules this far into it is wrong. Even though I want them to end their relationship doesn't mean I agree that it's right. Hence my dilemma.
Both. You are wrong to treat her as if she's dirt. He is wrong not to care that this hurts you. And you never did give the impression that you cared whether it was right to veto her. You called her "mistress"; do you know how much that hurts to hear? You acted as if she didn't matter. Only your happiness mattered.

Hate your husband all you like. He's the one who did wrong. But the way you spoke of the other woman is not right and I don't apologise for taking you to task. I am a woman not unlike her and I am no-one's mistress. I came into my partnership with everyone knowing what was what; that makes it wrong for my metamour to call me such names. "Mistress" is a slur on a secondary. Don't lash out at her. You should call him the names instead, except that there are very few for men who misbehave in this way.

And if it really is loneliness you fear, look inside yourself. When I was lonely and too desperate for a man, I hated what little I knew about who I was. Then I saw that in my desperation, I was driving everyone good away. My behavior attracted all of the wrong people. I opened my eyes and I saw, and I changed. Only when I changed did I get what I have now. I had to love and respect myself in a way that didn't depend on the love of another person. You love your husband like there is nothing else in the world for you--not true! If he disrespects you, why do you love him? Why do you still want him?

Everyone leaves when we push them into leaving. That is what I did. That is what I see. I was alone for a short while, but that is not lonely. Alone is a choice; lonely is what happens when we forget to choose.
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  #38  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:47 AM
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You're lucky not to know. You're lucky not to need medication. Give great thanks. It could always be worse.



Both. You are wrong to treat her as if she's dirt. He is wrong not to care that this hurts you. And you never did give the impression that you cared whether it was right to veto her. You called her "mistress"; do you know how much that hurts to hear? You acted as if she didn't matter. Only your happiness mattered.

Hate your husband all you like. He's the one who did wrong. But the way you spoke of the other woman is not right and I don't apologise for taking you to task. I am a woman not unlike her and I am no-one's mistress. I came into my partnership with everyone knowing what was what; that makes it wrong for my metamour to call me such names. "Mistress" is a slur on a secondary. Don't lash out at her. You should call him the names instead, except that there are very few for men who misbehave in this way.
Oh, so you are secondary? No wonder you are offended by my remarks about her. Now I get it. Sorry about that.

Two things.

I really have nothing against "my Metamour" (better?) aside from the fact that she is wonderful and my husband is in love with her.

Second. How exactly has he disrespected me? I never implied that. My only issue is that he won't stop seeing her. (And truthfully, why should he?) And i only want that because i fear that the more time he spends with her, the more he will want to be with her. They really are great together, i have witnessed it. And, as I stated, he tries very hard to reassure me that he loves me and would never leave me. He is very respectful to both her and I. He's a great guy, who would want to lose him? Nether of them are bad people, which is what worries me most.
  #39  
Old 07-26-2012, 04:03 AM
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Oh, so you are secondary? No wonder you are offended by my remarks about her. Now I get it. Sorry about that.
Apology accepted.

Quote:
Second. How exactly has he disrespected me? I never implied that. My only issue is that he won't stop seeing her. (And truthfully, why should he?) And i only want that because i fear that the more time he spends with her, the more he will want to be with her. They really are great together, i have witnessed it. And, as I stated, he tries very hard to reassure me that he loves me and would never leave me. He is very respectful to both her and I. He's a great guy, who would want to lose him? Nether of them are bad people, which is what worries me most.
So if she's brilliant and he's brilliant, get the three of you together and talk about your fears. (And if you can, talk with her alone. We fear what we don't understand.) The most anyone can do is reassure you. It's on you to trust what he's saying. If you perceive his actions as respectful toward you, then act like it. Accepting that he won't leave her is a good start; I think it may take time before you believe he won't leave you, either.
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  #40  
Old 07-26-2012, 07:06 PM
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Re (from Daffodil, Post #36):
Quote:
"That's why I need to hold onto him for dear life even though I know deep down he would be happier with her."
You can't think like that ... If he is staying with you, you have to trust that he is staying with you because he wants to. Is there something he has done (in the past) to cause you to not trust him?

Perhaps this isn't as complicated of a situation as it seems to be ... Perhaps he really does want to have both you and her in his life. Do you think that's possible?

Perhaps it would help if he would slow down with this other person?

Re (from Daffodil, Post #38):
Quote:
"As I stated, he tries very hard to reassure me that he loves me and would never leave me. He is very respectful to both her and I. He's a great guy, who would want to lose him? Nether of them are bad people, which is what worries me most."
That's kind of sad, to me. He's being reassuring towards you, and is a great guy, and you're afraid of losing him ... Don't you feel that you're a person who is worthy of love? I think that we, as human beings, are usually afraid of being vulnerable.

Polyamory = wanting to be with at least two different people. I feel that this is the part of the definition that you are having a hard time wrapping your mind around. You can ask him to do little things to help you feel reassured, but can you trust him to love you, even when he loves someone else also? This is the big question.
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