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  #101  
Old 08-14-2012, 01:05 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
It sounds like the veto wouldn't be sought (and there wouldn't be a problem) if the husband in question had fallen love with a highly flawed or troubled individual? You do realize that sounds a little like reason standing on its head ...

Are you happy in your marriage? Were you happy before this other woman "showed up?" Is your husband honest about how he feels about the situation? How important is it to "win the competition?"

I'd be depressed at least about that outcome, and wouldn't feel like it was much of a win. Are you sure that's what you want?

GREAT questions ....nice job Kevin .


No questions from me this round ...kev's got it covered
  #102  
Old 08-14-2012, 01:25 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I only made it two pages in-and my gut response was

"FUCK! This type of wife is the reason I got WRONGLY accused of being a bitch-when I pointed out that the NRE was driving behaviors that even HE wasn't going to be ok with later."

What a cocky, condescending, arrogant and screwed up attitude.
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  #103  
Old 08-14-2012, 01:33 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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LR ...who called you a bitch? .....and why hold back say what's on your mind.
  #104  
Old 08-14-2012, 01:39 AM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
It sounds like the veto wouldn't be sought (and there wouldn't be a problem) if the husband in question had fallen love with a highly flawed or troubled individual? You do realize that sounds a little like reason standing on its head ....
What I understand is that after 18 months together and the actuality that there nothing is wrong with this woman, a Veto is out of the question. There is no good reason why my husband should be forbidden from dating this woman. I`m not comfortable with it, no. But even I realize that asking him to stop seeing her is unrealistic. That`s why I`m trying other tactics, so that he ends up believing that he made this choice of his own free will.

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Are you happy in your marriage? Were you happy before this other woman "showed up?" Is your husband honest about how he feels about the situation? How important is it to "win the competition?".
I guess I am happy enough. It`s the only marriage that I have.
I was happier before this other woman "showed up", but our marriage wasn't happier, no. That's where I see the biggest change, his attitude since she entered his world. I think my husband tells me what he thinks I want to hear, how much he loves me, desires me, but deep down, when we are intimate, or when he's quiet and contemplative and when I see him on his android or computer, I know that he's thinking of her and not me. He denies it, but I know it.

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I just think it's a losing battle by definition, because if "Person A" and "Person B" are both trying to *be* Person B, Person B will win by virtue of merely being herself without effort, whereas Person A can only be Person A regardless of the amount of effort exerted..
You're right. I can't be her. I've tried to adopt some of her characteristics but I can't do it indefinitely. It feels like I am living a lie and I end up feeling pathetic.

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If you successfully make life miserable enough for this other woman that she splits up with your husband, you'll still be left with this idea or belief that *he* prefers/preferred a different personality type. If that won't bother you, then I guess you're on a course of action that works for you. Personally, I'd be depressed at least about that outcome, and wouldn't feel like it was much of a win. Are you sure that's what you want? .
I don't care if she is miserable. But I never really thought of it that way. Huh. That's quite disturbing. You're right. I would always be haunted that he really wanted her and not me. It wouldn't be about who won, because in the end, I lose anyways. He's been sad and depressed over ex girlfriends in the past, he'll get over it. But I'm not sure that I will if he stayed after she breaks up with him.
  #105  
Old 08-14-2012, 01:41 AM
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Newtoday, are you suffering from a case of Truth Hurts?
Hey Daffodil. Are you now suffering from a case of Truth Hurts?
  #106  
Old 08-14-2012, 02:27 AM
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I have no grudges to hold here, but can I just say that the situation saddens me.

Re (from Post #104):
Quote:
"I think my husband tells me what he thinks I want to hear, how much he loves me, desires me, but deep down, when we are intimate, or when he's quiet and contemplative and when I see him on his android or computer, I know that he's thinking of her and not me. He denies it, but I know it."
I guess we will never know for sure without some kind of mind-reading device. Technically, there's no way to prove whether your husband's telling the truth. If what you're saying is true, then is he only staying with you now out of a sense of duty? Probably that's a question you've already answered, so, no need to repeat yourself. It just seems to me like his actions are sincere?

I wish I could think of a way to help. Who knows, maybe I will think of something more to post later.
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  #107  
Old 08-14-2012, 09:53 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
That`s why I`m trying other tactics, so that he ends up believing that he made this choice of his own free will.
I think my husband tells me what he thinks I want to hear, how much he loves me, desires me, but deep down, when we are intimate, or when he's quiet and contemplative and when I see him on his android or computer, I know that he's thinking of her and not me. He denies it, but I know it.
Well I'm glad I didn't see this thread before, reading through it was...depressing.
Why don't you just like you know..be honest about how you feel? Then you know...let him be honest about how he feels? Fuck, do it via email so neither of you has to have the discussion face to face since it seems you don't know how to be honest, and you are assuming he isn't -truth is if my husband was this miserable and I found out he had been _lying to my face_ as you are, every time you send him out the door with a smile while seething with a relentless hatred of the situation, I'd be ending our relationship based on that alone. Lying and bullshit is not a healthy basis for any marriage. Not that I get the idea you are seeking advice on how to be in a healthy relationship that is.
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  #108  
Old 08-14-2012, 10:50 PM
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Re (from Post #104):
Quote:
"There is no good reason why my husband should be forbidden from dating this woman. I'm not comfortable with it, no. But even I realize that asking him to stop seeing her is unrealistic. That's why I'm trying other tactics, so that he ends up believing that he made this choice of his own free will."
You realize, of course, that this is the one thing none of us here can help you with. Giving suggestions on how to get rid of her, without being held accountable, would be giving aid in an endeavor that was both unfair and dishonest. This other woman has done nothing wrong to deserve to be driven out, and your aim is to drive her out without admitting you want her out. In polyamory, we strongly advocate honesty (as well as fairness). The only advice we could, in good conscience, give, is to admit to your husband (and possibly to the other woman) that you're finding you just can't cope with the poly situation. Then you would need to figure out, as a cooperative effort with them, what to do about that. The next step might be a poly-friendly counselor.

I realize, of course, that 'fessing up like that is not on your list of "willing to do." Therefore, all I can tell you is that your present course of action seems to be the most effective one I can imagine, for the outcome you are seeking. If anything will drive this other woman away, your repeated demands that your husband see less of her, cloaked as concessions you need even if you don't need them, will probably do the trick. After all, why should the other woman subject herself to all that? I'm somewhat surprised that your husband is going along with all this; how much could he want this other woman if he's willing to participate in driving her away? It's his choice, though, as well as his judgment call.

As I said, I am saddened by the situation, and really stumped (at least for the moment) about how I could really help. I think right now you should just think about whether the victory you seek is really the kind of victory you want, and if it isn't, what some of the other options might be.

I wish you no ill (though I also feel bad for the other two people involved here, especially for your husband's girlfriend). Please give some thought to the course you're on, whether you can look in the mirror when it's all over, and whether you'll really be gaining the husband you want.

That's all I have for now.
With concern,
Kevin T.
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  #109  
Old 08-15-2012, 02:59 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I totally get the frustration and anger this OP generates in others. I've certainly felt it too! But it is just useless to call her names. There is no point. We generally do better on this board. Let's continue with that tradition.

(LR, this is not directed solely at you, btw.)
  #110  
Old 08-15-2012, 04:23 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Y'all would not believe the depth of this groove in my tongue. You know, from all the biting I've had to do.

Another board I frequent pulls a Nail Polish Maneuver in situations like this, which is precisely what it sounds like, but I don't use nail polish. So... anyone read any good books lately?
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jealousy, mono programming, need for therapy, ownership, pathetic, possessiveness

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