Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #91  
Old 08-11-2012, 07:18 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,483
Default

Daffodil,

Consider that if you manage to chase away this mistress, you'll still have the knowledge that your husband will always give emotional preference to a "better-endowed girl" (a girl endowed with more "better" personality traits), that he always may leave you for such a "superior catch," and that you're only worth as much to him as your "assets" (personality plusses) add up to. Consider two things:

a) seek to value you for who you are,
b) have faith in your husband's love for you.

He may love you on a deep level that doesn't require you to "add up to a certain number of exciting traits." He may love and value you just as you are, and he may not be "comparing" you at all to this other girl, on any level. You're two different people and he loves you in different ways for different reasons. It can't be compared. It would be like comparing apples and oranges (or ice cream and pizza).

I know you value you for who you are, but are you confident enough in that valuation to believe that he values you for who you are too?

It seems to me that you have gotten aggressive and defensive about getting rid of the threatening woman before it's too late. But I think that's the fear talking, not the refined, educated companion he has come to value. Be the positive, valuable you. Don't try to "be his mistress;" he only wants one of her. He wants one of you, too.

At least that's what I believe. I encourage you to believe it also, if you can.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
  #92  
Old 08-11-2012, 07:26 PM
newtoday's Avatar
newtoday newtoday is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 181
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
But I think that's the fear talking, not the refined, educated companion he has come to value. Be the positive, valuable you. Don't try to "be his mistress;" he only wants one of her. He wants one of you, too.

At least that's what I believe. I encourage you to believe it also, if you can.

Kevin, I think we all appreciate that you are trying so hard to help this person but she is so full of hatred and contempt, devising many manipulative and hurtful tactics to sabotage this relationship between her husband and the woman he is involved with. However, it is very disheartening to myself and for other "Mono Secondaries" on here that you are encouraging her behaviour, agreeing with her about the other woman being a mistress (which Lovefromgirl has already indicated was hurtful and derogatory, especially after 18 months) and encouraging a flat out VETO.

Encourage her to to believe in herself, for sure! But please try not to throw the other woman in front of the bus to make Daffodil feel better. It's just encouraging and reinforcing her poor behaviour and attitude.

Thanks,
NT

Last edited by newtoday; 08-11-2012 at 07:29 PM.
  #93  
Old 08-11-2012, 07:46 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,483
Default

Well to clarify as to the veto, I was more trying to say, "Better an honest veto than a dishonest veto." But on the other hand, this other woman has done nothing to deserve to "get vetoed," and she doesn't deserve to be hurt and derived by the term "mistress," so I'll try to be more conscientious about that.

Sorry for any offense I may have rendered.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
  #94  
Old 08-11-2012, 10:08 PM
newtoday's Avatar
newtoday newtoday is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 181
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Well to clarify as to the veto, I was more trying to say, "Better an honest veto than a dishonest veto." But on the other hand, this other woman has done nothing to deserve to "get vetoed," and she doesn't deserve to be hurt and derived by the term "mistress," so I'll try to be more conscientious about that.

Sorry for any offense I may have rendered.
Thank you Kevin!

No offense taken.

Everyone knows that your heart is in the right place. I just wanted to urge caution in endorsing this troubled woman's poor decisions and behaviour.

Take care.
-NT
  #95  
Old 08-12-2012, 02:33 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

I think the problem is she has no faith in her husbands love. And the qualities or lack of are providing a sharp contrast.

Maybe you've grown in different directions. Maybe he's grown / changed and you haven't or vice versa. Maybe it time to move on....go find someone who wants the qualities of you and you them. Chasing behind this other "perfect" woman will never work. I think let it go. When's the last time you were truly happy in a relationship?
  #96  
Old 08-12-2012, 05:29 PM
Daffodil Daffodil is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NW USA (Seattle area)
Posts: 22
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by newtoday View Post
However, it is very disheartening to myself and for other "Mono Secondaries" on here that you are encouraging her behaviour, agreeing with her about the other woman being a mistress (which Lovefromgirl has already indicated was hurtful and derogatory, especially after 18 months) and encouraging a flat out VETO.
Newtoday, are you suffering from a case of Truth Hurts?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think the problem is she has no faith in her husbands love. And the qualities or lack of are providing a sharp contrast.

Maybe you've grown in different directions. Maybe he's grown / changed and you haven't or vice versa. Maybe it time to move on....go find someone who wants the qualities of you and you them. Chasing behind this other "perfect" woman will never work. I think let it go. When's the last time you were truly happy in a relationship?
Dingedheart, maybe you are right. All those things that you say do hold merit. My friends have said similar things. We have grown, changed, moved in different directions. Repeating myself again, as you have also recognized, she IS the perfect woman for him. I know that I should just let it go, but the competitive side of me won't let that happen. I am scared to be alone. Recently I have met some new friends, reconnected with old friends, maybe this way I will find my way out of this if getting rid of his girlfriend doesn't work.

The thread's not locked yet? Surprising! I'd guess that the hypocritical evolved members on here would have requested to shut me up by now.
  #97  
Old 08-12-2012, 05:35 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
The thread's not locked yet? Surprising! I'd guess that the hypocritical evolved members on here would have requested to shut me up by now.
Yeah, not the way it works around here. People are free to spout whatever wisdom/idiocy they wish for as long as they wish, whether they are wise, hypocritical or talk like slave-owners.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
  #98  
Old 08-13-2012, 10:13 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,483
Default

As far as vetoes are concerned, I think that the thing is that when "veto power" does exist (and many believe it shouldn't exist), it tends to exist to protect against "new partners" who have too many negative attributes to make for a safe/positive relationship. Whereas in this thread, the idea is to protect against a (relatively) new partner who has "too many" *positive attributes.* That type of usage is certain to meet up against some opposition.

It sounds like the veto wouldn't be sought (and there wouldn't be a problem) if the husband in question had fallen love with a highly flawed or troubled individual? You do realize that sounds a little like reason standing on its head ...

Are you happy in your marriage? Were you happy before this other woman "showed up?" Is your husband honest about how he feels about the situation? How important is it to "win the competition?"

I just think it's a losing battle by definition, because if "Person A" and "Person B" are both trying to *be* Person B, Person B will win by virtue of merely being herself without effort, whereas Person A can only be Person A regardless of the amount of effort exerted.

If you successfully make life miserable enough for this other woman that she splits up with your husband, you'll still be left with this idea or belief that *he* prefers/preferred a different personality type. If that won't bother you, then I guess you're on a course of action that works for you. Personally, I'd be depressed at least about that outcome, and wouldn't feel like it was much of a win. Are you sure that's what you want?

I think it's a shame that there's such a fervent/angry competition going on here. The general idea behind polyamory, as I understand it, is to reduce/eliminate the need for competition. But it does require a certain amount of faith, from and in all involved parties.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
  #99  
Old 08-13-2012, 10:15 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,314
Default

kd,

You are truly a kind soul.
  #100  
Old 08-13-2012, 10:30 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,483
Default

Aww, thx.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Closed Thread

Tags
jealousy, mono programming, need for therapy, ownership, pathetic, possessiveness

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:20 AM.