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  #11  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:07 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Is it a fear of your being vulnerable to the other lover? Like the other lover is close enough to hurt you to bruise (even if just in consenting rowdy fun sex)?

GG
I don't think its about being vulnerable. I think its about being with someone for almost 20 years, thinking you know them inside and out, and then they do something unexpected that you really don't understand. I think that if anything, he sees me more as a dominant person, and the fact that I submitted myself to being tied up, blindfolded and smakcked so hard it left visible bruises, really upset him.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #12  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Interesting.

We've been together almost 20 yrs and we always are finding something new. It's part of the pleasure - stumbling across a new thing like a surprise.

GG
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  #13  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:18 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Interesting.

We've been together almost 20 yrs and we always are finding something new. It's part of the pleasure - stumbling across a new thing like a surprise.

GG
we do, too.
I think this was different because he feels left out.

I have to add one thing though.
A couple of weeks ago I told my husband that at 1 point, my lover had tied me to the bed and blindfolded me. (this was completely new and not something husband and I have ever done).
My husband was somewhat intrigued, interested, and not upset at all.
Had he responded differently, I would not have let things go so far this past weekend. He says his own reaction surprised him, too.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #14  
Old 07-05-2012, 01:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ah. I wondered if that was it.

Going into uncharted territory with the OSO with a light bondage scene and then going again for something harder that leaves marks.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-05-2012 at 01:39 PM.
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  #15  
Old 07-06-2012, 12:29 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Husband and I had a long and good talk yesterday and it turns out it's more about emotional jealousy for him after all so very confusing!

His relationship with his girlfriend (they're together 1 year) has hit a bit of a rough spot. He feels lonely in his relationship with her, and the way he expressed it yesterday, his loneliness grows when I have more connections. He is simply feeling overwhelmed and feels like we are not connected the way we used to be.

I think the bruises were just a symbol and therefore the trigger... I did not understand his very strong reaction to the bruises, but I DO understand when he talks about loneliness, missing me, needing something from me (more time, more attention).

meanwhile, my lover (the bruise-giver - that sounds weird but ah well) has asked for a date next week. As much as I would like to see him, I think it will be best if I say no and we wait a couple of weeks or even months before we see each other again. Right now I need to focus on my husbands needs, and then there's my boyfriends C.'s needs, and oh yes, I need some me-time too
I actually feel very good about the fact that even though I'm sorry to have to say no to the date, I know it's the right thing to do and it makes me feel strong.

So in the end, this was a very valuable week, even though there was a lot of sadness and hurt.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #16  
Old 07-06-2012, 02:39 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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All relationships go through emotional times, which can often hide the underlying reason. It's important that the room is there to work on those, and that everyone involved in other relationships respect that and help you through this.

It sounds like you are already peeling back the layers of the emotional onion and starting to get to the issues, which is great!
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  #17  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sounds like he's articulating more -- that's awesome. And you are right -- if he's voicing a need for companionship, spending a little extra time there doesn't hurt.

GG
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  #18  
Old 07-06-2012, 04:05 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I was going to add that when Wendigo and I first got together, his wife, Pretty Lady, was uncomfortable with the emotional aspect of our relationship, but perfectly fine with the physical aspect. She asked that we not be so lovey dovey in our instant messanging conversations, because their computers are in close proximity and she could read what we were saying. When she decided she wanted to participate in the sexual aspect of our relationship, she told me that she'd appreciate it if we did not have any BDSM activity in her presence because that was something special that they shared. She was okay knowing that we did those activities in private, but didn't want it in her face. She even checked with me to make sure that there wasn't anything that I did not want her doing with Runic Wolf in my presence, which there wasn't. We only were only sexual as a foursome on a half dozen occasions, but I respected her wishes and I believe that is part of why Wendigo and I are still together 3 years later. He loves his wife dearly and his first priority is making sure that she's happy, healthy and sane or at least as sane as she can be working 18 hours a day and I wouldn't love him if it were any other way.

For myself, I tend to get jealous when I see someone else getting something I need. For example, on our vacation a close friend of ours got too drunk and started behaving in a way that would lead to something she'd regret if someone didn't step in. Wendigo stepped in because he and I are two of the 3 people there who knew how to handle her, effectively taking him away from me for the entire evening on the last night of our trip. Runic Wolf had gone to bed early and I wasn't tired yet. I had spent the week conscious that most of the people we were camping with did not know about us and would be uncomfortable with our relationship if they did, so this was the first opportunity I'd had to really flirt with him all week since those people were all asleep and she was occupying all his attention. And since there was nothing I could really do about it and wouldn't have wanted him to act any differently, I just sat with it and talked myself though it, checked in with them periodically, hugged them both when I did, so I could get little bits of the physical contact I was missing, and got a long hug goodnight before he sent me to bed for my own safety (one of our friends gets violent when drunk and he had to help put him to bed when he was done dealing with our other friend). After we got home and he'd spent some time with his family we got together a couple of hours before a fighter practice and cuddled on my couch for a bit.
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  #19  
Old 07-07-2012, 12:51 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Well, I thought things were getting better, but last night my husband told me he broke one of our safer sex rules. Not once, but three times over the past couple of months.

I am so angry, sad and hurt. We cried and argued for hours last night. I think he feels that while he broke a rule, I also broke a rule albeit an unwritten one. Engaging in BDSM sex and coming home bruised.
At some point it felt like our hurts were competing or something.

We made new rules. Discussed what to do next (some things have to be done before we can have unprotected sex again, etc.). Now I feel I just have to sit this one out. I've never felt he betrayed me, ever before. How do I regain that trust?
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #20  
Old 07-07-2012, 01:24 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Interesting timing on his confession.

Did he know about the invitation for a date with the bruise giver and that you ultimately declined because of his struggle with it?

Hey......sorry I don't know how you regain trust on some level I dont think you ever do.
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