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  #1  
Old 06-05-2012, 09:24 PM
papolycouple papolycouple is offline
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Default Boundaries with Social Networking

I have been in this poly relationship for over a year and a half. We are currently living together and love each other fondly. My issue is when my man is with a particular secondary relationship she feels the need to update her facebook with many different post about him, pictures, etc. Please keep in mind I feel that my compersion is always in the right direction. If she makes him happy I am so happy for him. I spoke to him about it and I did notice a slight change for a while. Long and behold I log in last night and she is doing the same as before. I am now feeling this is being done on purpose for my benefit. I have taken the high road and not rebut or make a fuss. But I feel disrespected by these actions? Please help?
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  #2  
Old 06-05-2012, 09:41 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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well, they always say that communication is the key when it comes to relationships... if you have a hard boundary about this sort of thing, then you and she need to discuss it to see if she can respect that boundary.

She may be doing it for the reason you state, but then again she may be the type that posts all sorts of happy stuff on their Facebook page, to share with the world. Either way, if it bothers you, you need to talk with her about it. Note that I said "her" and not "him" - if you have an issue with her behaviour don't put him in the middle of it - it puts him in an awkward position and may well dilute the message and the reply.

I wouldn't put it as an ultimatum ("Stop posting all that Facebook stuff when you are with him!") but instead talk to her about how what she is doing makes you feel (uncomfortable, sad, whatever you are feeling) and that for this reason you'd like to see if you can come to some understanding with her.

Does that help any?
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  #3  
Old 06-06-2012, 12:56 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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My thoughts:

--Sounds like jealousy to me.

--You say that you want him to be happy but you don't want to see the evidence of that happiness because it makes you uncomfortable... sorry, but to me that's just silly.

--Asking/requiring her to change the habits of her relationship with him because those habits make you uncomfortable seems rather immature.

--I fail to see how her posting facets of HER life on HER fb profile is disrespecting you. Never mind that whole First Amendment free speech thing.

I think the solution is for you and her to not be friends on fb. Ta-da! She gets to exercise her free speech rights and you don't have to be "disrespected".
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Old 06-06-2012, 02:04 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I think the first step should be identifying WHY you feel disrespected. I mean, if you posted all kinds of stuff about him when he's with you would you expect her to get upset? What would your reaction be if she asked you to change your personal habits?

I agree that not being her friend on facebook seems like more of an option than trying to get her to change. Unless she is breaking a boundary that has been set, I don't see why you should interfere. You don't have to interact on facebook, so just don't. You can also opt to not follow her automatically so that her posts don't come up on your newsfeed. You can still go to her profile when you feel like it and interact as usual, but you don't get the "in your face"ness of constant posts. I've done that to a few people who I find irritating with over-posting.

Does your boyfriend think she does it with malicious intent? I would think he would know her better than you do and would put a stop to anything she does to purposefully try to hurt you. A lot of people just post a ton on FB. Unless you have reason to believe she's doing it to hurt you, I would find a way to deal with it (by blocking her posts on FB, unfriending her on FB, or whatever). If you DO have reason to believe she's doing it purposefully to hurt/bother you, then you definitely should talk to her about it.

It sounds like you're a bit insecure, and while in general you don't mind the poly nature of your relationship you don't like having it right in front of you. I wouldn't necessary say there is anything wrong with that, but I don't think it gives you the right to ask her to do something she obviously enjoys unless it is causing you damage.
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Old 06-06-2012, 03:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papolycouple View Post
I am now feeling this is being done on purpose for my benefit. I have taken the high road and not rebut or make a fuss. But I feel disrespected by these actions? Please help?

The bigger question to me is WHY you feel that this is being done with malicious intent, why feel disrespected? It seems as if this is a symptom of a larger issue of jealousy, envy or insecurity.

Are you guys friends or at least friendly toward each other? I'm guessing not. Are you friends with her on FB or do you access via your man's account?

If you had said that it was a privacy issue, for fear that family and friends that are not aware of your lifestyle may see something or find out, then I would support you and this would be a different answer. But it's not.

I'm a 'secondary' and I post things on my FB all the time about him and I. Pictures, updates, events, etc. He "likes" and comments on much of what I post. And "likes" alot of the innocent comments I make on his. I post nothing different than what I would for other friends and family. Many of my FB Friends know him. So why hide everything we do? It makes us happy. What's the harm in that? My posts have ZERO to do with his SO and it's never come up as an issue.

By 'forbidding' her to acknowledge the importance of him in her life on her FB, you're denying her her right to sharing happiness with your guy. Why do that? Why make her feel like she should be keeping it all a secret?

I don't think that Social Networking is your issue. Maybe you should figure out your true issues with him / her first.
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Old 06-06-2012, 03:33 AM
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Pink, it may not make sense to you but that is how she feels. Things that we understand intellectually don't always coincide with the emotional side of things. Some of us get caught off guard seeing things like that.



PA: I don't think it was meant to be disrespectful; usually when people are in the throes of good feeling they like to share it with others.

That being said, I understand your insecurity perfectly. My suggestion would probably be to unfriend her. Not out of malice but as a way of allowing your compersion to take centre stage. You should mention it to her beforehand of course, just so everything and everyone is clear. Being privy to everything she puts up for everyone to see may not be the best thing for you at the present time.

I myself felt something similar when I went on a social networking site once and saw my SO and my metamour at the time exchanging I love yous, and it pretty much made my head spin. I suffered some anxiety, and emotionally I wasn't prepared to process it or anything, much less feel compersion. I just tried to explain how I was feeling and asked if they could keep those intimacies between them, and not on the site. They agreed to, and she and I were able to talk pretty freely afterwards. That was my way of still acknowledging their relationship, as well as giving myself time to work on the inside.

Last edited by Arrowbound; 06-06-2012 at 03:36 AM.
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Old 06-06-2012, 07:48 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Unfriending her might be taken the wrong way, but hiding her posts sounds like a good compromise. If it hurts you to see them together, you won't have to anymore, but she'll still be able to share pictures of her with her boyfriend for her friends.
I don't think it would be very fair for you to tell her not to, however you should definitely share your feelings with her, so that she knows how you feel about it. I'm a bit confused that you told him about it rather than her, I don't think using intermediates is a good idea. You obviously are in contact since she's on your facebook, talk to her directly.
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Old 06-06-2012, 08:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papolycouple View Post
I have been in this poly relationship for over a year and a half. We are currently living together and love each other fondly. My issue is when my man is with a particular secondary relationship she feels the need to update her facebook with many different post about him, pictures, etc. Please keep in mind I feel that my compersion is always in the right direction. If she makes him happy I am so happy for him. I spoke to him about it and I did notice a slight change for a while. Long and behold I log in last night and she is doing the same as before. I am now feeling this is being done on purpose for my benefit. I have taken the high road and not rebut or make a fuss. But I feel disrespected by these actions? Please help?
hey hun, I do think as you have joined a relationship like this you may need to do two things try and find a way to be happy, she posts such about her relationship with ''your man'', do you post about things about you and your bf and what you do, how does she feel about that?

the simple thing to do is explain to her how you feel and delete from fb or hide the posts and try not to let it bother you or call it off xx
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  #9  
Old 06-06-2012, 11:44 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I get it. You and he likely have mutual friends on each others pages. Maybe even co workers who know about your initial relationship or marriage that won't react well to less conventional lifestyles. When she posts stuff with and about him - pics he is tagged to and comments on his page, those mutual friends and co workers tend to go hmmm WTF?
Then they contact you or him with questions you didn't intend to answer or expect to be bothered with when you're not the one dating her. Or worse just start avoiding you or treating you and he oddly. If you didn't expect it or want that kind of attention it can get sticky.

Make sure you and he are on the same tip regarding this. Adjust your privacy settings to hide it from certain people; you can make something invisible to individual people without making it so to all. Then have a sit down with her about it and see if it can be smoothed out.
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  #10  
Old 06-06-2012, 01:29 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
Pink, it may not make sense to you but that is how she feels. Things that we understand intellectually don't always coincide with the emotional side of things. Some of us get caught off guard seeing things like that.

Very true. For all that I am a somewhat emotional person I /swear/ I have borderline Asperger's syndrome... (which would make sense as my bio son is a full-blown Aspie). I was in a weird head-space yesterday when I posted that.

That said....

PaPoly, if I was offensive, I sincerely apologize. That was not my intent. I truly was just trying to be logical. Forgive?
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