How Much Sex is Enough Sex?

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by amberleaf

We married and were vanilla and monogamous. I didn't know anything about her BDSM until years into the marriage.

Ohhh, that is unfortunate! Now, here you are, with shared finances, home and child, and suddenly you find out your sexual/sensual drives don't match up. Eek! I feel bad for both of you.

We went through financial difficulties and yes - she experience post-p depression after the birth of our daughter, who is now 3.

Has that abated now?

When we first became poly two years ago, she went wild. She didn't have sex with anyone, but did the typical things like lots of online partners who she spent all day and night with, an escape from the home life, and kissing random guys in front of me when we went out.

Hmm, that doesn't sound like polyAMORY, but just kid in a candy store. They can overlap, but... how did you feel about her kissing these random guys?

Her GF came along and was a good, calming influence. Her GF seems to teach her that there is a balance between being free and being a considerate poly person.

She definitely has BDSM needs that neither of us can fill. Her GF switches from time to time to help her out. They always have kinky sex, even when neither takes control. My wife won't switch for her. I'm still figuring out what I am.

You do have a learning curve in front of you, if you want to keep her and have her interested in sex with you, feel fulfilled and satisfied. It might mean a time of letting her explore her kinky side. However many kinksters can fully enjoy "vanilla" sex. (I like both, as long as it's intense creative vanilla, not just 10 mins of missionary wham bam thank you ma'am.)

It's definitely true that my wife is wanting to break away from the, as she calls it, 11 years of oppressive marriage. I have OCD and have smothered her in the past. I'm in therapy and have made a lot of progress.

She definitely needs to go out, get away from the house, our child, our marriage and feed her BDSM needs. I am no saint - I can be difficult to live with.

OK, good for you for being self aware and getting help with your medical condition. You probably had a high need for reassurance, a temper, and perhaps a suspicious jealous nature? No wonder she's seeking other partners. Do you feel she still wants to be with you for loving reasons, or just as a babysitter so she can go out and cat around?

I know her GF feels that my wife might just need BDSM sex, full stop, more. I think that our sex is stale and unfulfilling for my wife...

This needs work.

It seems like the general consensus is that it's more about quality time than sex. So if she dates sub boy once a week, myself and her GF should have equal time. If there's not enough time for three dates a week, she should cut down on sub boy time.

Well... if you're boring and oppressive, demanding more time with her might be fruitless. You 2 need to find healthier sexier ways to relate. I hope you can!

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Folding the laundry together doesn't count as sexy date time either

Actually in my house, I would consider this a date, if we were doing it together . Then again I'm and "acts of service/quality time" girl and husband absolutely HATES folding laundry.

I've been married for over 20 years and have 2 kids. Scheduling a date night, afternoon or breakfast is essential. Get away from the kids, get away from the house. Get away from the normal everyday stuff. Sometimes even a picnic at the park with the kids and dog can seem like a date because all the usual distractions aren't there.

Knowing each others love language helps. I spent years "doing" things for my husband, but since his love language isn't "acts of service" my efforts meant nothing to him. Just as all his attempts at telling me to "ignore the laundry, kitchen, etc" while he was feeling me up seriously irritated me. So because I couldn't get him to help me with the things that needed to be done, I had absolutely NO desire to even be in his presence at the end of the day and because I spurned his touches, he was hurt (he is definitely "touch"). For years I complained that he was "never home", so he tried to stay home, but would spend hours on the computer, which was just as not there. Once we were able to figure out that what I really needed was "quality time", he was able to understand and give me what I really needed and I make a greater effort to touch him.

[Arrowbound]

SNeacail... I read that post and feel like you know exactly what goes on in my house! LOL kinda scary. I have realized that we need to find ways that works for us both, because we differ a LOT in that sense.