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  #131  
Old 11-19-2012, 10:37 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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This has been an interesting read...I'm sure I read it last year - but since it got bumped I'm going to respond.

If a metamour is not my friend, I might not want to share with them things I would share with my friends. I DO talk about sex with my closest friends sometimes, but don't tell partner A what is going on with partner B or vice versa since I have not asked if they mind. I am curious about stuff that goes on with my lover's partners but unless I have been told otherwise it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. It may be a shared partner, but that doesn't mean I'm in some hive mind. I don't expect what happens in the bedroom must be public domain just because everyone spends time with the same penis. I don't see a difference in a partner giving their other partners a play by play of our last date and them posting it on a forum frankly, neither is fine with me unless I've said it is.

If a metamour is not my friend, I don't imagine they want me privy to what they do when naked, unless they are doing it where I can see. I can only imagine the response I'd get if I started asking my bf for details of his sex life with his wife after she made it clear she thinks I'm a fine person but doesn't want anything to do with me... If somebody I date (including my husband Adam) starts sharing stuff with me that involves a third party, I do check in to make sure the other party is OK with it, and has been informed that it's going to be shared knowledge.

I am not ashamed of sex, but that just means I'm fine with metamours knowing I like sex, or I am noisy and worry the cops will get called on me some day - things that give a big picture idea of who I am as a lover for their partner, but not the details. It doesn't mean I want them to know that last night we did ________ or that I worked up my courage to ask their boyfriend or husband to do ______ to me and I loved/hated it. (Exception - if I brought up a subject that was new or had to be negotiated with a metamour - sex at an event, group sex, whatever - then I would expect it would be discussed.)

I know there are differences between people, I've had metamours that would not want me to know a damn thing about their sex lives, and ones who are turned on by the idea of their sex life being discussed with me and hopefully becoming wank fodder - but unless the other person tells me which one is its, I still file it under NOMB. I do not see how it benefits my life to know things that somebody else wants to keep private as long as it does not break any agreements I have with whichever partner, but I do see how it hurts somebody if I insist on having a right to know things that somebody else doesn't want me to know.

I think a lot of the people piping up for "of course you should be able to share" mean to share sexual successes and joys, but that can be conveyed with "I had a great time last night" and a big grin. I am ALL for sharing if all parties agree, but not sharing is not dishonest. If I get a bruise from one partner and another says "what happened?" I will say if it's from whatever general thing it was from, sex, elbows, biting, cats landing from space - but that doesn't mean it's secretive or shameful if somebody doesn't want me to know they have the most amazing orgasm if they get their nipples stimulated just like this, or that the last 20 times in a row they've done it in the missionary position cause it's easier on their low back... Really, different people do have different comfort levels, and I think that all parties involved should get a say in how information is shared in multi partner dynamics.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 11-19-2012 at 08:32 PM.
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  #132  
Old 11-19-2012, 09:07 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Pretty much just nodding along in agreement with Anneintherain. My husband and I (and my partner and I) discuss safer sex practices and that sort of thing, but I don't want or need details of their sexual encounters.
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  #133  
Old 11-20-2012, 09:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fayerweather View Post
My bf, his gf and I recently got together for a "family meeting". There were some issues we were all having and we wanted to sit down and talk them out, and hopefully come up with some solutions/clear the air.

It went really well, but there was a particular problem that came up and I wanted to find out if any of you have had similar problems and how you dealt with them.

My bf's gf is a very private person and new to polyamory. She said that it made her feel unsafe and insecure to have my bf and I discuss his sex life with her when we were alone together. She said it made her feel excluded and she wanted to keep their sex life private.

To me, being able to ask my bf about his sex practices with other partners is essential to my feelings of security and safety. Also, I enjoy hearing about new and exciting things he is doing sexually. I was triggered by the thought of not being able to find out what I need to feel secure, and had a lot of trouble communicating that to her.

In the end, we worked out an agreement that if they did anything new in bed, that either he would ask her permission before telling me, or that she would tell me herself. Also, I would work on asking her directly about what they were doing (which made me uncomfortable, but I promised I would try.

Have any of you had issues with full disclosure? How did you deal with that?
I would say although I understand finding your partner's sex life exciting, I know I found it exciting with G's lovers however I will give my life atm, I am seeing A, we have sex most of the times but we also go out on dates etc I always tell G that we have had sex and he doesn't ask what we do, I don't explore anything than the norm with A where as me and G do but if I did explore something different or wanted to like fluid bonding or anal I would talk to him so I am saying if she wants to keep what she does with him private then I would respect that.
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  #134  
Old 11-21-2012, 02:37 AM
Witch Witch is offline
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I like how this thread went from talking about sexual privacy to whole theories on sexual shame versus sexual privacy.

I hate it when my husband shouts out to his friend while we are all in the apartment "I DID THIS WITH MY WIFE"

His friends' girlfriend and I look at each other.. like ....."Omg... DId he really just go there."

I'm not ashamed about the sexual practices I do with my husband(the sexual practice in question in fact is something our couple friends do too.)

However, its more intimate when its kept private I think. I like it that way. Its something "we" share and not any one else. Now say my husband has another partner and they practice the EXACT SAME SEXUAL PRACTICES, if either my husband or his lover don't want me to know, then thats their business.

Its like the whole argument about anti gay groups going EWW WHAT YOUDO IN BED IS GROSS. You can't say thats sexual shame, thats straight(mostly religious people) acting like five year olds. Thats what makes my husband straight, the idea of having sex with a man completely does the opposite of arousing him. No shame in that, just not for him. So you can't link a need for sexual privacy with sexual shame 100% of the time.

I don't think the GF in question doesn't want you to know because she is ashamed with what she does, but because honestly... when it comes down to it. Its none of your business, if they choose to make it your business then okay, it becomes your business. I believe you have certain rights as a human being and having sexual privacy is one of them. The only thing I think multiple partners have a right to know about sexual matters with other parties is if it directly affects them, such as with safer sex. Do you use condoms or not? And thats about it.

The GF has a total right to her privacy.

Here's another analogy. A long time ago when we had our first roommate. The room mate did not have a computer and asked to use my husbands in the time being to help look for a job. He was fine with it, until he was leaving the house. He honestly didn't want her using it while he wasn't around. He wouldn't give her the password so she could get into it whenever she wanted. The same roommate also used my lotions, shampoo, and body wash when I didn't know. Said certain items were things I used VERYLITTLE, cause they were SPECIAL items I bought to pamper myself with, they weren't my normal shampoo and body washing items. However she seemed to have this thought, that because we were roommates, she should be allowed to use whatever was in the house WHENEVER, cause she would let us do the same with her stuff.

Can you see where thats wrong? My stuff is MY STUFF. No it doesn't hurt it much if you use it, but its STILL MY STUFF. Just because YOU have a way of thinking about the usage of it doesn't mean I have to be the same way. It's my stuff... It's my thoughts..

Its my... SEXUAL PRIVACY... NOT YOURS... The End.



PS: Said roommate lasted less than a year because of said problems... I think the same thing could reign true for your relationship if you're not more considerate of her needs as well.

Last edited by Witch; 11-21-2012 at 02:45 AM.
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  #135  
Old 11-26-2012, 08:07 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Default overshare, undershare, all over the share...

Hello guys,

(Now... I have just searched for the tag 'overshare', amongst others - so please tell me if this question is constantly asked and I'll be happy to read old threads!)

I'm at a very comfortable stage in poly, finally. ~happy dance~ Being at such a good place, I'm not wanting to rock the boat. Our guidelines have evolved after two years together and now we are tackling the issue of overshare vs undershare.

Main question -
How do you balance overshare vs undershare? What works in your relationship, or for you? Mainly - what's your communication about having sex with someone? Do you communicate it or not? What about other things - messaging, dating, etc?

Background:
So far in our relationship, we've told each other almost everything. When we've been ready to sleep with others, we've checked in with each other, been given the green light and then told each other once it's happened. However... we've found that waiting for that sentence 'I slept with them' has possibly caused us more harm than good. We've also hit a stumbling block, because this technique has applied to new people (i.e. three dates, have sex)... but there's a different kind of person in the mix now, who neither of us know how to navigate.

I won't go into detail; but I do not like my girlfriend's potential secondary. We've talked at length and I want her to just go ahead and have the experiences she wants with him. I'm feeling much better about that going on, but don't want to get hit with a truck when things start to happen. She has a date with him this weekend. I'm wondering if it's a better idea to just not have the 'we had sex' discussion. I would like her to be able to enjoy her sexual freedom and for myself to not have to stress about something I really don't need to stress about.

I don't like complete Don't Ask Don't Tell, because I love feeling close and connected to my girlfriend. I don't want secret lives. But I know there have been times when we would have found more enjoyment in sex with others if we had been able to be more spontaneous about it and have less worry about hurting each other, or breaking a guideline.

I don't know whether to say 'You don't need to tell me about this particular guy, but let's stick to the old way about new people', or what? I'd find it really, really useful to hear your specific experience on this and what works best for you.
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  #136  
Old 11-27-2012, 12:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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We have an understanding about what behaviors are allowable for what type of relationship (platonic friend behaviors/fwb behaviors/committed full time gf/bf).
So-we don't give a play by play as things happen or when they first happen.
It's "hey-I'm moving this friend to committed gf level". Then we know what types of behaviors COULD be happening-but we don't need to know when or exactly what.
For example, I have someone I have identified at a specific level, but I haven't chosen to DO any of the behaviors that I COULD for that level of relationship. But if I do and when I do-I don't need to check in over that again-it's already established that those activities are acceptable.
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  #137  
Old 11-27-2012, 12:16 AM
toodles toodles is offline
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Hey Sparklepop, Like the question! We operate on an 'Consideration Not Information' rule. Don't just inform me after you've done something. Tell me what your plans are. Otherwise, I'm just your audience, not your partner in crime. If I'm looking for partners, consideration not information. I tell my wife I'm ready to start a big ol' chunk of dating until I find one or two that fit. I ask her if she's ready for it and ok with that. She's always says yes, but it's good to ask. I don't just inform her that I've made a bunch of dates. If I want to sleep with someone, consideration not information. I tell my wife that the attraction is strong enough to sleep with that woman, in general, after the first date. That way, she knows I have intent. I don't tell her when I sleep with her, what I've done, how we've done it.

We used to tell each other about each person we had sex with. But now, we get STI tests every 3 months. We also have a no exchanging of fluids rule for safety - no blowjobs, no oral, unprotected. It makes no difference if I sleep with every woman I have a date with, or none of them. I'm not going to leave my wife. Sometimes, if I've been dating a woman for a while and then we break up, but we haven't slept together, I'll tell my wife that we never slept together.

I think that too much information causes pain that doesn't need to be there. We only tell each other when new things happen, or something changes - like, we've got a message from a new person, or we've got someone's number, we're falling in love with someone, or they're falling in love with us. Consideration, not information. I consider my wife in everything that I do. That doesn't mean I don't have sex with people. It means that if she's not happy, I talk to her and make changes. If I wanted to sleep with everyone I could sleep with, I would be single. My wife knows where she stands with me, knows how often I want to see other people, knows what I want in life. If something changes, I don't just start doing it then let her watch on. I tell her 'I'm thinking that I'd like to do this', consider her, then act. That's poly marriage, to me.

Our only dont ask dont tell thing is that if we want to watch porn, have sex online with a stranger, or whatever, we dont have to tell each other. That gives us a bit of naughty fun and light relief, without it being a big deal or something to stress about.
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  #138  
Old 11-27-2012, 01:01 AM
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I like the way you term that "consideration not information".
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  #139  
Old 11-27-2012, 06:30 AM
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This particular subject has, for us at least, changed as we have grown in our poly relationship. In the begining, John wanted to know everything about everyone, so I told him. As my relationships got more serious and longer, he asked for less and I gave less.

Now, we check in before having sex with someone new, but execpt in rare cases, we have been dating them and we already know after the first date if its a possibility.

We dont kiss and tell now, but we do warn before it happens. I think that eventually we will get to just "this is a posibility sometime in the future"

Maybe your relationship is maturing to the next level, where you dont want or need to know any more. I would let her know that you dont want to know or dont need to know this time, but you may next time and leave it at that for now
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  #140  
Old 11-27-2012, 09:03 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I don't know whether to say 'You don't need to tell me about this particular guy, but let's stick to the old way about new people', or what? I'd find it really, really useful to hear your specific experience on this and what works best for you.
What do you get from that in the long run, you'll assume she slept with him but not have verbal confirmation? Anytime she starts dating somebody you don't like do you ask for this again? I can see not wanting to discuss it in length, but I'm curious why a statement is has happened is more stressful than the assumption it's happened. Can you figure out what feels better about not discussing it at all? Is it just that you don't want to hear the process as she goes through sharing where she is at on the road to sex with him?

There's nothing wrong with saying "I dont really feel good about this person, do what you want but I don't want to hear about it" But I think its good to make sure you know what its about - maybe you have valid reasons for thinking they are not a good partner and so this is just an exception, maybe there are some personal issues to work on. I like knowing when other relationships become sexual but to me that's just a status update - dating -sexual relationship -moved in together - committed but not planning on merging households- engaged, etc.

How does you knowing she had sex with him hamper her sexual enjoyment? You mention worrying about her sexual freedom and spontaneity, could a bit of this be you projecting and wanting to have your own spontaneity but find it easier to couch it terms about what she might want?

You mention worry about hurting each other or breaking guidelines. If it's what you want, is it possible to revisit agreements so you're both comfortable with spontaneous sex being fine happening as long as safe sex rules are followed and it's brought up quickly afterwards?

Just to note - my personal experience, my husband and I wouldn't likely have spontaneous new sex partners, if we did for some reason, safe sex rules should be followed and it'd be brought up ASAP. To be clear neither of say we are comfortable with a do whatever then let me know afterwards arrangement. We share a computer room so chat about "I like this person" I'm messaging this person" I want to ask this person out for coffee" is natural. I'd find it untenable to have Adam tell me he didn't want to what was happening with somebody, I just wouldn't date them then if he had that response to them when he'd been fine with everybody else I'd dated. As I couldn't avoid knowing when he was on a date with somebody even if I didn't like them, I'd expect to know when they had sex so that conversations like "the condom broke last night, her lasts STI tests were in September and were negative, but I am going to do ___ about it/Pregnancy worry discussion needs to happen" or "Soandso's SO tested positive for ____" so what do we do about this" or "I want to spend the night at Soandso's house" would make sense and be in perspective.

My boyfriend, I'd prefer to know if starts dating somebody and is thinking of having sex with them, but if things moved fast I'd at least expect to find out before we had sex again (I'd tell him the same) Besides knowing about new partners that'd really be the extent of it. As I don't think he'd welcome more discussion than that, if I liked the person or not he was seeing it'd really be a moot point. No clue if any of that babble was helpful.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 11-27-2012 at 09:13 AM.
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