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  #11  
Old 07-03-2012, 05:03 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Where the the communication break down happen? Who will own what piece of the puzzle there? Did he expect you to mindreader him in his discomfort? Will he start just spitting it OUT and own that? If he said he did not want to know and slipped up, did you ask him for confirmation that the "don't tell me" is still the rule before just spitting it out yourself? If not, will you own that -- the need to go "are you sure?" before revealing.
He asked me and I simply stated "I thought you didn't want to know if something has or has not happened". He stated he wanted to know. I've told him that I am ok with taking a step back right now but I explained to him that this is something that is not going to go away and this is something I want in life. We are just taking the discussions from there


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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
How will each do better next time to prevent this from happening again? This mixed messages thing?

How will each deal with emotional upheavals in themselves? In their partner? While the emotions are high? Give each other space? Go talk to a trusted friend? What? Because you can't be snipping at each other in high emotion. It's just emotion anyway. Let the storm blow over, then deal with picking up the pieces with intent. When emotions take a chill, how will you act together to solve the issue that caused the emotional whirlwind? (you can choose to ACT with intent, rather than merely REACT all willy nilly).
It's funny that you say that about snipping at each other, etc. Before all of this came out we were constantly yelling or arguing... now we are talking calmly and are very collected in our thoughts and actions.


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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Just take it one thing at a time. But know that if you want/need to date, his need/want for comfort, safety, security is going to have to be addressed too.

Obviously you tried "do what you want and do not tell me" was fingers in the ears lalalalalala I wanna know but I dowanna know aaaaah! -- and fell flat. Was he offering this just to avoid having to have a Big Talk to lay it all out more clearly?

If so, then you need to work on his Big Talk skill building before you even go further. Poly has a LOT of Big Talk times. You can't hack Big Talk time as a duo, you won't hack it as a trio. And when it's schedule calendar crazy time -- hello! Resentment, jealous, weirdo mess spilling into Small Talk time because nobody wants to do the Big Talk work in Big Talk time.

So that open wide DADT approach will not work in your dating time in your couplehood. What will then?

Find the happy medium. Get talking.

GG
We have had several "Big Talks"... I think he was just trying to make me happy even though he didn't want it and saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

I've have told him a thousand times now that he is my top priority and I'll say it a thousand times again. This is something that I want to go into together.

Right now we are just going to step back and talk talk talk.. It's seems like the best approach at this point.

Thank you for all the great advice!!
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  #12  
Old 07-03-2012, 05:08 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
First up, I'd sit him down and explain that you will take him at his word. That means that if he says he's ok with something he's not actually ok with, then he doesn't get to blame you when you do what he said you could do.

Then do it. Take him at his word.

He says he doesn't want the last cupcake? You eat it. He doesn't care what you watch on TV? You choose and he doesn't get to complain. He says to do what you want with a new friend? Do it. He asks for the juicy details? Show him the video (ok, that's probably going too far, but you get the point). Eventually he'll get used to expressing himself honestly because he'll have learned that doing otherwise is counter-productive.
That is what I did... I told him you kept giving me the green light and I kept saying to him that he needs to tell me if he is really ok with it and he kept saying to go ahead. We had a discussion last night, a female friend of mine wanted to go out and play darts. He told me to go out but I knew just by his expression and tone of voice that he didn't want me to. I told him to honestly tell me if he wanted me to go out. He just said "I'm not gonna stop you from going out and I'm not going to tell you what to do and what not to do". I explained to him that I understood that but we are a team and if he didn't want me to go out, I'd be ok with that... so I got the whole go out again... so I went out, for an hour, and I came back. I told him I knew he didn't want me to go out but since he didn't come out and say it, then I am not going to play games and I am going to go out.

I do hope he will finally be able to speak up... He may be able to communicate about the bigger issues but the smaller issues make up a lot too.
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  #13  
Old 07-03-2012, 08:33 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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The trick is that he doesn't tell you not to go - he tells you that he would rather you didn't, and maybe why "I was hoping we could stay in and watch Buffy reruns together" or something.... it is then your decision what you want to do, but you do it based on a position of knowledge.
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  #14  
Old 07-04-2012, 02:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I think he was just trying to make me happy even though he didn't want it and saying what he thought I wanted to hear.
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He told me to go out but I knew just by his expression and tone of voice that he didn't want me to.
Sigh.

This is a drag. He's not holding his own bag.

In my world?

YOU would have the right to clear communication. (He is not doing this.)

HE would have the responsibility to state his wants, needs, and limits. (He is not doing this).

Ergo, if he feels all Mr Huffy about your going out because you took him at face value, he has to own it. Because you were not given clear information and he's not doing his responsibility.

Quote:
"I'm not gonna stop you from going out and I'm not going to tell you what to do and what not to do
This is being Mr Passive Aggressive -- expecting your to mind reader his true wants,needs,limits from the skies.

And "testing" your mind reader-ability. And if you do not pick the "correct" choice, your punishment will be living with Mr Huffy for a while.

Draaaag.

In my world -- that's skirting close to lying (by omission, not telling the needs, wants, and limits straight up) and that's been 2 examples already of namby pamby. He'd get a warning from me. Frown. I cannot play with a non-serious player.

Keep it up and he'd get a strike on this namby pamby issue. And I do 3 strikes you are out if you refuse to play ball. WORK with me here. I'm not throwing in the towel in a rough patch but you do have to WORK with me here.

Quote:
I explained to him that I understood that but we are a team and if he didn't want me to go out, I'd be ok with that... so I got the whole go out again... so I went out, for an hour, and I came back. I told him I knew he didn't want me to go out but since he didn't come out and say it, then I am not going to play games and I am going to go out.
I am glad you did this and did not play into Mr Passive Aggressive.

You are exercising your right to clear communication and clear feedback.

You are doing your responsibility about stating your want/need for clear communication.

You are stating your limit -- You will not play mind games. You will take his words at face value then. You don't want to have draaaag stuff out of him or mind reader it.

He must speak his truth! Hold his own bag!

You cannot hold both your bag and his bag.

I broke up with an ex over this very thing. Ugh. DH used to be this way and it made me crazy too but luckily he could and did own it and got better with it. He's still around!

Ask him what he wants here. He has the right to your support and nurture. Does he want to work on this communication thing or not? If yeah, then the next time this comes up, you have to do some fishing then to help him. Maybe the next FEW times to get him used to thinking about articulating his wants, needs, and limits without prompting. Because look! Nothing horrible happens when you do!

Say your pal wants to do darts again.

"My pal wants to do darts again on Friday. I would like to go if that is ok with you. Is it ok with you? What are you needs for Friday? What are your wants for Friday? What are your limits for Friday? Negotiate with me."

Maybe he wants to go on a swanky date OUT with you -- then you just no thanks pal to this time. Maybe next. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Maybe he needs a nap first -- so you go out for a while to darts, then come home by 11 PM so you can cozy up and have an in house movie date with him when he's rested. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Maybe he's fine with you going out this Friday, he's wide open to that because he's exhausted and will tuck in early AND sleep late. But NEXT day he wants to do brunch with his mother so... just be home in time so you are well rested to be fully present for that and he's cool. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Why this is so hard I never understand. (mind boggling) Just spit it OUT, whatever it is. Sheesh.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-04-2012 at 02:31 AM.
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  #15  
Old 07-05-2012, 02:42 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
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Well I called him out on his passive agressive behavior and cited several examples over the past few days... We discussed that this is something that we are going to work on together...

Here's to hoping it works!!!!
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  #16  
Old 07-05-2012, 04:59 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad to hear he's going to play ball with you on it, own the Mr Passive Aggressive problem and try new approaches that hopefully lead to a better way for both so both are happier. Yay!

GL!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-05-2012 at 05:02 PM.
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