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  #1  
Old 07-01-2012, 07:21 PM
derekbliss derekbliss is offline
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Hello. I have come here seeking words of wisdom. I am a monogamous and i am in a relationship with a poly girl. I love her very deeply and all i want is to make her happy and give her what she needs. But it is very hard for me to be ok with the poly thing. She is moving away in a few months and has been kind enough to be with me and only me until that point. There is another person she loves and wants to be with but i cant bring myself to allow her to pursue that. I feel awful about this. I don't want her to change or be someone she isnt. I guess i was hoping that someone could help me understand and be ok with all this or provide some way for me to make this all better. As a mono it is difficult to understand polyamory. I just want to be the best i can and make her as happy as she can be. Thank you for your time.
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Old 07-01-2012, 07:52 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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It's a bit tricky to give general advice, do you have specific questions maybe?
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Old 07-01-2012, 08:24 PM
derekbliss derekbliss is offline
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I was just wondering if there was a way to work towards being ok with her poly so that she can have what she wants or if maybe trying to find a middle ground where i am still comfortable but she gets a little more of what she wants is a good idea? Possibly other suggestions of things that have helped relationships between mono and poly people work to the advantage, for lack of a better term, in the past that you have seen work.
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  #4  
Old 07-01-2012, 08:30 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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If you want to get some background, I would suggest that you do some tag-related reading. What you are looking for is about so-called mono/poly. There are lots of discussions about this, with people talking about tips on how to deal with it, setting boundaries, going at the speed that everyone is comfortable and communication.

Check that out, and, if you have specific questions, please feel free to post!
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  #5  
Old 07-01-2012, 08:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Welcome! And kudos for learning more about poly in order to better understand your poly girl.

Quote:
I love her very deeply and all i want is to make her happy and give her what she needs.
You cannot "make" a person happy. All you can do is be yourself as best you can. Enjoy each other's company and share each others joys and concerns, be a good partner.

Quote:
But it is very hard for me to be ok with the poly thing. She is moving away in a few months and has been kind enough to be with me and only me until that point. There is another person she loves and wants to be with but i cant bring myself to allow her to pursue that.
I think you mean cannot bring yourself to be ok with her pursuing that while still in monogamous relationship with you, because to do so, then you are not monogamous any more and this pains you.

You annot "allow" her to do anything because you don't own or control her. She is her own person. She chooses how she wants to be in her relationships.

You are also your own person. You choose how you want to be in your relationships.

If those things line up naturally, or a happy medium found and negotiated that satisfies all parties, great! You can be how you want to be together then.

If there's a basic mismatch of goals, values, wants, needs that cannot find a happy medium after honest discussion? I think the honorable thing is probably to break it off. It can be painful, but it is at least clean.

You just cannot force a square peg in a round hole from either side.

A mono wired person who cannot come to terms with loving a poly person will be feeling the short end of the monogamous stick if the poly person is free to be themselves at their expense.

A poly wired person who cannot come to terms with being closed at a polysaturation point of one partner? They will feel like they get the short end of the polyamorous stick while the mono person is free to be themselves at their expense.
Quote:
I feel awful about this. I don't want her to change or be someone she isnt.
I'm sure she doesn't want to change how you are wired either. But you have to come to terms with each others wiring and see if the happy medium can be found here or not. If not, decide what kind of exes you want to be to each other then, and if friendship is possible.

Quote:
I guess i was hoping that someone could help me understand and be ok with all this or provide some way for me to make this all better. As a mono it is difficult to understand polyamory. I just want to be the best i can and make her as happy as she can be. Thank you for your time.
I'm not sure what info you are seeking, but if it's just general, try

http://www.morethantwo.com/

HTH!
A.
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Old 07-01-2012, 08:50 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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If you want a middle ground, you need to know what you are fine with and what you aren't. For instance, would some sexual activities be fine but not others? Would some people be acceptable partners but some others? Are there things you would want to remain exclusive to your relationship and that you don't want her to have with others?

We can't know these for you, but if you can make your own list and run it by her, then a compromise might be an option.

As far as understanding how polyamory works, I think hanging out around here and reading people's posts is probably the best way to learn more about it
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  #7  
Old 07-01-2012, 09:38 PM
derekbliss derekbliss is offline
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Thank you for all your help.

@Tonberry
I am going to look in myself and see if i can figure out what i would be ok with and make that list to talk about with her or if a list can even be made to run by at all. It's going to be a lot of baby steps and talking but i'm sure it will all be worth it in the end.

@GalaGirl
As simple as it is you're right, I don't "allow" her to do anything it is her choice. For some odd reason i guess i never thought about it that way. I am going to work as hard as i can to find a medium and if i can't you are right a clean break would be hard and painful but for the best.

Again i can't thank you all enough for the help.
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  #8  
Old 07-02-2012, 09:27 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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GL with it!

Galagirl
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  #9  
Old 07-02-2012, 10:18 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Speaking as someone who is relatively new to poly... I understand your feelings.

I'll tell you my story briefly, in the hopes that it might help you to relate.

I have been in a poly relationship for about 16 months.

My girlfriend has a husband - I knew this when I met her.

I've actually never felt a speck of jealousy/insecurity about their relationship.

However, when it came to her with other people, new people, I find that difficult and so does she, when I do.

I'm certainly no expert... all I can give you is my personal experience and hope that it helps.

I consider myself poly because:
- In rare circumstances, I can love more than one person at a time and have no preference between the two
- More often, I can love one person completely, but still want to explore other things with other people (different dynamics, different types of sex, new experiences)
- I want (even when it's uncomfortable) my partner to be free and have every experience they want in life
- I want to face my real insecurities, instead of hiding behind monogamous safety nets (it's hard, but for me it's worth it)


As everyone else has said... only you can decide what you want.

Sometimes you don't know until it happens. It might be a case of (if you want to explore it) seeing how you feel when something happens. The first time she kisses, dates or sleeps with another person can be rough - but it can get easier.

You might also start considering whether you yourself could be poly. It's not a requirement - you can absolutely choose to do what you want to do. But sometimes having a similar experience can give you an understanding that you may not find otherwise.

If you do want to go down the road of poly... definitely use resources... forums, websites, books, etc.

I try to remember the following points, regardless of what kind of relationship I'm in:
- I have the right to be heard, nurtured and cared for
- My insecurities are mine and I cannot blame my partner for them
- My partner doesn't cause my jealousy - my insecurities do
- My partner has the right to be nurtured and cared for, and listened to
- It is ok to be upset, insecure or fearful sometimes... try to work through it

It's really a case of compatibility. I cannot control my partner, nor can she control me.

If my girlfriend wants to sleep all day, never clean the house, spend all night online talking to other people, and sleep with ten men a week... how does that work for me? If she pays for a maid, I like time alone when she's asleep and we have amazing sex and date nights all the time despite her other people... I might be happy. This is just an example. My girlfriend does actually clean. At least once a quarter... But really, what I'm saying is... try to figure out what you need and what she can provide. And vice versa.


Poly can be a wonderful, liberating thing. I have always been monogamous, never cheated. I've wanted others, even loved others, whilst monogamous, but never acted on it. I was also insanely jealous and very insecure. I'm talking reading through phones, discomfort with every female friend my partner had, etc etc.

Now that I'm poly, I can't imagine going back to mono. One of the best parts of poly for me is honesty.

My jealous monogamous interactions would go something like this:

me: ~watching my girlfriend look at other women~
her: That girl is hot
me: Right. (dwell on it for a month)

My poly interactions go something like this:
me: ~watching my girlfriend date other men~
her: (babbling on about her dates)
me: Can you stop a minute... I'm struggling with this because it makes me go to that ridiculous place where I feel you are going to leave me, because you prefer men
her: I wouldn't leave you for a man, I'm committed to you (plus, lesbian sex is truly the best form)



Just thought I'd try a little humor.

Obviously it's not that simple - but there are good things about poly.

I say... have a look inside yourself. What are you scared of? That she'll leave you? That other people will kiss better/be better lovers? That you'll find her somehow tarnished if she's been with other people? Something else?

Perhaps talk to her about those things and see where that conversation goes.

There are no guarantees in relationships - whether they are mono or poly ones. My girlfriend could leave me either way. Or she could stay either way.

I wish you all the very best of luck and hope that you can find the right thing for you
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