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Old 07-02-2012, 03:56 AM
losingsarah losingsarah is offline
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Location: north texas
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Default how to grieve lost love?

a little background would help. I guess. My husband J and I have been married 14 years, and have had an open relationship for at least the last 10. At first it was mostly swinging, but it lacked an emotional connection we both craved. we have taken short breaks due to life circumstances, but we always managed to drift back into our multiple partner world.

We recently opened back up after a 2 year mono period and I found an incredible woman, fell head over heels (and she too) and we from our first encounter became a couple. the problem was she was married and NOT telling her spouse the true nature of our relationship. (huge red flag in hindsight) she also had a long distance contractual slave relationship with another man that she was concealing from him, which I was ok with him being around (really, do your thing, I don't judge). Why I choose to feed into her lies, I don't know. but I did. and for two months our lives and families intertwined. We had a few things to work out, some jealousy on my part over a friendship with a girl she once slept with for her master, her master's concern that she "loved" me too much, but we talked it out and got past it. I loved her children, and she mine. I even formed a bond with her husband, who by all accounts is a wonderful guy. Then suddenly she told me last wednesday she couldn't carry on our relationship. I was blindsided, because less than a hour before she was still in "you're the love of my life" mode.

I did tell her husband, I broke the only promise that mattered to her. I have no idea what the fall out of that is or if she is a skilled enough liar to talk her way out of what I said and explain away the proof of our affair.

I find I am having such a hard time letting go. I question if her love was real, or fabricated. How could I not realize how manipulated I had been? why do I still love her - or rather the idea of who she was that she presented to me? there are a hundred more in my head. I've never lost a love like this as a poly, and it's killing me inside.

My husband jokingly said I just need a date to realize how incredible I am again, but I don't think it would be fair to drag any new people through the grieving process I am in. I know someday I will be ready again, and J is still with his lovers and they are all amazingly supportive of what is happening. I learned lessons and am growing, but I just don't know how in the world to start healing.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:26 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Have you been able to talk to her about what happened? It sounds very abrupt.

The best healer is time. Try to allow yourself to feel the way that you are feeling and understand that this too shall pass. It may just be time to focus on yourself and healing and doing whatever it is you need to do to feel good and happy.

The times of biggest growth and change are never comfortable but we are always the better for it in the end.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:53 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by losingsarah View Post
I did tell her husband, I broke the only promise that mattered to her. I have no idea what the fall out of that is or if she is a skilled enough liar to talk her way out of what I said and explain away the proof of our affair.
Sorry, but that seems a really shitty thing to do. If it was possible she was having a freak-out moment and would have calmed down later, you've likely destroyed any possibility of reunion. (yes?) Were you lashing out in your pain, or did you see some great reason to do this? Were I her, and you did this, it would be confirmation for me that I had done the right thing in ending it. You may have been going a bit fast, if you 'became a couple' from your first encounter. When your grief does heal some, you may have some apologizing to do.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 07-02-2012, 02:56 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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It IS tough when something you care about comes to an end so abruptly.

Don't rush into anything that you are not 100% comfortable about - take your time.

The biggest thing - you mentioned that in hindsight you see some red flags - learn from them. Do not get involved with folks who live lives that are the exact opposite of your own set of values and expect it to work.

Personally, concealing something from a spouse would be a relationship-ender for me. If I really like the person, and they were claiming that they were in the process of leaving, then my reaction would be "OK, go and get yourself sorted out and into a place where you can be open and honest and then, if you are still interested, we can talk"

Second (and this is just me), I would be very careful of getting involved with anyone who was in a D/S type relationship. It wouldn't necessarily be a show-stopper but it would put the brakes on until I found out exactly what that dynamic was, and if it would hamper the growth orf my relationship with this person.

I agree with NovemberRain - telling the husband seems like a pretty nasty thing to do to someone you care about.

learn, and move on.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 07-02-2012, 06:40 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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I think a possibility is that she couldn't take the lying to her husband, and between telling him the truth and making reality match what she had told him, she picked the latter.
I think she did love you but realised that cheating and lying was likely to destroy her marriage, which would be terrible for her children among other things.

I think going behind her back and telling her husband was a very petty things to do. You were obviously fine with her cheating as long as it benefited you, but the second she broke up with you (possibly because she was trying to make amends, possibly because her master had asked her to... hard to tell) you decided to throw her under the bus out of revenge. "If I can't have you, I'll destroy your most important relationship". That was really bad, and I hope you understand that and you won't make such a mistake again.

I personally think the end was obviously going to happen at some point, since she was cheating, and she couldn't really leave her husband for you: it seems she loves him and is happy with him, but on top of that there are children to think of, and you are married as well so she couldn't easily leave him and end up with you. In other words, the only realistic options would be that the husband would find out and it would be over AND she might lose the husband as well, or what happened, that she broke it off.

I don't know how you can get over her, it's hard imagining that you'll be friends again after things settled down, since both her and her husband probably feel betrayed by you and I figure it would be hard for them to forgive you.
The only thing you can do is move on, and in a similar relationship, insist that everything is revealed before it happens, or don't do it. Otherwise the same thing will happen again, and there might be worse consequences for you that time.
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Old 07-02-2012, 11:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ok, this is hard. But you CAN do this. Growing pains are hard, but you CAN grow.

You were ok with her lying to her husband about you and the submissive. Basically though you may not have said it out loud you let her know "It's ok honey, I'm fine with you not respecting people's feelings and doing whatever you please. Don't treat people like people, treat them like things."

So... she did it to you. Can't claim to be blindsided when you gave implied permission.

So you REACT in response. To get back at her by stabbing the "wonder man husband."

Swell. You treat him like thing too? Where was pausing to let the high emotion dissipate first? And then choosing how to ACT WITH INTENT in response to the situation rather than merely REACTING to high emotion?

I just don't know how in the world to start healing.
Sure you do. You were not being an honorable Jedi and turned to the Dark Side there. So... start walking the correct walk NOW.

Clean up your karma.

I think you have to eat crow and apologize to the her for breaking a promise. Two wrongs don't make a right.

You also have to apologize to the husband for aiming your GRRR at her via him. You should have taken up your beef with her direct. She hurt him by lying to him and you hurt him from what? Misplaced revenge?

They probably don't want to hear from you. Suck it up and do the right thing anyway and send apology. And NO it will not feel good to do. Walk the walk anyway and get it done.

If they for some crazy reason forgive and are willing to make ammends? Suck it up and do the right thing anyway and say "Thanks. I appreciate that. But we all messed it up beyond repair. But I'm glad we could end in relative peace if not harmony. I am not fit for being in relationship right now, I need some time to heal and think."

And let them go with peace so YOU can start to feel peace. (And do NOT get sucked back in with a lying cheater GF! Protect your own mental health better.)

Spend some time examining your ethics skills and your relationship management skills. Really do spend the time to heal and think.

Are you really ok with people being treated as things? Is this how you wish to be treated? If not, does your radar skills need improving? Your bullshit meter?

Bouncing back from having made some bad decisions? That's hard. But you can learn from this and move it forward.

"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." -- Jim Horning


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-03-2012 at 01:51 AM.
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:48 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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OK, so telling the husband out of spite may not have been the best move, but I honestly think you probably did him a favor in the long run. This may not have been the best way to learn that his wife is a cheater, but doesn't he deserve to know? I think so.

I do, however, think it would have been better of you to tell her what you planned to do to give her a chance to 'fess up first so that they could have had a better start to working through it and you could have salvaged the possibility of working with her to get to a healthier place where you two could possibly be together. You're emotional, though, and we all make less than wise decisions when emotional, so I'm not going to berate you for it.

Mourning a relationship takes time. How much times depends on a lot of factors, and there's really no way to rush the process. I agree that sending an apology for the way you handled the breakup is probably a good first step. Then a complete break from her and her family. For at least a few weeks to a few months. Even if they forgive you and you're able to forgive her - you all need time to process and figure out who you are and where you stand. After a while, if you want to pursue friendship, great. If you both realize you still care about each other and want to re-try romance (with her husband's blessing this time), great. If either of you or both of you feel that there's too much baggage and it's better to just leave it alone, fine.

It helps me to look at the good things that came from a relationship instead of focusing on the bad. Focus on the things you learned, the experience you gained, and the pleasant memories you have. Granted, some of the things you learned are related to negatives, but for me looking on the bright side of things helps. For example, she was lying to her husband which eventually caused the relationship to end = a big ol' negative. BUT you also learned from her lying that in the future you need to be extra sure that everyone is being honest which = helpful knowledge for future relationships.
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Old 07-03-2012, 04:30 AM
losingsarah losingsarah is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: north texas
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First, I want to thank you all for the honesty you displayed, I can only learn from others if they are honest about how they see my behavior. You are not saying anything I haven't told myself more than a few times since I hit send on that damn email. It was not the best move to make, and clarifying that she was mischaracterizing WHAT happened and who I was and why we reached the end of our "friendship" by telling more lies and painting me as a crazy woman who had a sudden nervous breakdown and was "falsely claiming" to have had a relationship with her doesn't make my decision any less wrong. That was the impetus for my rash decisions, and everyone was hurt even more. There is really no justification at all, once again in hindsight.

I am going to go back and reread and answer of the things you all mentioned. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
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