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Old 08-18-2012, 05:46 PM
thinkinboutpoly thinkinboutpoly is offline
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Default I agree

Originally Posted by LillyMao View Post
I understand that Michael said on the show that he was "straight", but I don't understand how in the heat of the moment if all 4 are on the same bed, why Michael and Tahl don't consummate? I understand that he is "straight" and doesn't look for other men, but when you're just doing what feels good and comes naturally with someone you love, I don't understand why it doesn't just happen? I mean, the women sure get it on with each other, so they aren't homophobes. Why not the men? Is is because that's too racy for T.V.? Or is it because they don't generally share a bed as a foursome. They just do that for the TV cameras? They normally just wife swap and sleep in separate chambers? I don't understand. I mean, it doesn't even have to be sex. The guys could just find it pleasurable to rub against each other. There's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be gay to enjoy the touch of someone you love. If all 4 share the same bed, then it would be inevitable that male would rub against male, even if by accident. They do love each other. Michael, Tahl, or anyone else who has a similar situation, please explain it to me.

i do think it would be easier to understand if someone in that situation explained it to us
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Old 08-19-2012, 04:17 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'd be fine with being in the same bed with another woman if we were both pleasuring a partner we had in common.
I would NEVER be fine with kissing her or rubbing against her or anything like that. If you want to understand, just imagine it's your brother/sister there. I just wouldn't be comfortable with it, regardless of how much affection I might have for them.

I think most people aren't completely straight (or gay) and would have some room for flexibility in a case like that. But some other people don't and that's perfectly fine. Nobody should be obligated to do anything with anyone else, and "you're already in the same bed!" isn't really an excuse for forcing the issue. For all we know, he already pushed his limit to be willing to be in the same bed at the same time, and they can't be pushed further.
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Old 08-21-2012, 12:39 PM
1of4 1of4 is offline
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Originally Posted by thinkinboutpoly View Post
i do think it would be easier to understand if someone in that situation explained it to us
I am in a quad relationship (two married couples) and the four of us are often in the same bed together. The two males in our group are straight and never interact sexually. They just don't. There just isn't any desire there and they don't. We all care about each other very, very deeply. That caring just isn't sexual between the men. As we mellow into the relationship (about 14 months into it now) we more often end up as two separate couples...either in the same bed, same room, or different rooms...but earlier in the relationship we would often end up having sex in threesome or foursome arrangements. The other female and I are more open to bi interaction and we sometimes have some mild interaction, but it is usually more of a M-F-M-F arrangement. When there are three of us it has been a pretty even split between M-F-M or F-M-F.

My husband and I have been watching the show and when we can find private time to watch TV together (no children around), we've watched a few episodes with the other couple. The first few episodes were all about sex, but now it is more about the relationship dynamics so it has become more interesting. We see some things that are familiar to us, but other things that are very unfamiliar. While we spend most weekends with the other couple in our quad, we don't live together, so that is part of it. We also came at our relationship from a swinging perspective. None of us were experienced swingers...it is just that we approached our first few encounters from that "no attachments allowed" perspective. The relationship and caring and emotions snuck up on us. We still skirt around labels and only cautiously use the "L" word (love). If we had to label it, we would be more likely to call ourselves "friends with benefits" than either swingers (since none of us have swung with any one else - lol) or poly.

As far as the two poly groups the show is following...the balance of power seems to be somewhat off in the quad group. I have some trouble relating to that group. The triad seems far healthier to me and the depth of their love seems more real to me. But it might just be the way the producers are depicting them, so it is hard to say for sure.

Just my to cents.
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:43 AM
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aLABiMCpl aLABiMCpl is offline
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It is like I told the Wife while we were watching the shows:
*"It is easier to be Polyamorous if you are Bisexual"

Granted, it is not necessary, since sex is more of a side affect of being Poly.... just as it is for being married.

Like Marriage, Poly's Infinite Love transcends sex.
If sex is what you are looking for in a partner, I believe you have crossed the Poly line and have fallen into Swinger territory.

*At least mentally

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Old 08-23-2012, 10:08 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Holy Rainbow Text, Batman!


"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:13 AM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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Haven't gotten to watch this show yet, but I will revisit this topic if I get a chance to watch it. I kind of expected it to be a bit oversexed, but I'm hoping at the very least that people will get some exposure to the idea through this. Right now, I feel like there are still people for whom polyamory is completely off their radar. They might have heard of swinging or partner swapping, but to fall in love with more than one person? I think that still really goes over the heads of a lot of people.
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:37 AM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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I'm glad that it helped you to move in that direction then. I remember the moment I realized I might be poly. I still remember being in my bedroom and reading the book and feeling like a light bulb just went on in my head. That happened in 10th grade and I've never felt like it would be wrong for me since.
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Old 08-29-2012, 04:00 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I've watched the first 4 episodes (finally found the online - yay!) and so far I've thought it's really good. There is a lot of sex, but I expected that. The quad seems to communicate ALL THE TIME while the triad seems a little more natural in their communication. My only complaint is how often I hear "that's not poly" coming out of some of their mouths. Driving me nuts!
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:13 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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So, finally saw the show.

I was warned that there was a lot of sex, but I expected things like them going to bed, and then it cuts, or sex under covers so you don't see anything. Nooooo. You can see almost everything. There is full female nudity, and you can see everything but genitals for males. There are videos of people having orgasms. It's way more raunchy than I expected even after being warned.
And it makes me curious how they found people who agreed to that, especially when some of them weren't out yet.

I find that my feelings about the people in the show have evolved. I had a bad feeling about the triad at the very start, they didn't seem to communicate that well, but then I started liking them more and more. They're very sweet and I went "aww" a lot about them. They kind of feel like inexperienced kids who fumble and make a bunch of mistakes, but have a good heart behind it all.
And that's very endearing.

On the other hand, the quad started with a good impression from me because of all the communication... but then I started disliking some of the stuff. They had very strong idea about what is or isn't really poly, and while they asked about each other's boundaries all the time they seemed to go and disregard them a bunch, or push them as far as possible, and it made me uncomfortable.
I was a bit surprised that they seemed to have a rule than anyone one of them dates needs to be "up for grabs", or it's "not poly". It seems to me there are good reasons not to want to have partners in common, just like some people won't date in the family, or in the workplace. I disliked the community of it, and I found myself surprised by it, because in theory I like the idea. But watching it, it reminded me of my experience at the girl guides, in which people constantly took my stuff and then told me after the fact, adding that I needed to learn to share.
At least I haven't seen them go behind each other's back, except the one time with Tahl.

I found myself not liking Jen at all, and I'm not sure why. Intellectually, I can see she's the one with the raw deal. The others keep imposing stuff on her that she's uncomfortable with, and when she tells them she wants to be alone, or doesn't feel like a hug, or really isn't comfortable with the woman her husband cheated with coming to her housewarming party... They just do it anyway and tell her she needs to get over it, and when she finally yields to peer pressure and says "fine" (not that they weren't going to do it anyways), people compliment her "growth", and that grated me the wrong way.
So I don't really know why I felt annoyed by her. Maybe I wanted her to either be fine with things in the first place, or stand for herself. It got on my nerves to see her uncomfortable with things in every episode, and then letting the others do it anyways, even as you can see her uncomfortable about it.

I know she says she's the one with jealousy... but jealousy often comes from insecurity, and how can she stop being insecure if she knows that her boundaries won't be respected if she places them? It seems to me that would only slow down progress.

I enjoyed the few scenes with people outside of the main relationships, especially the ones with non-poly people, such as the families. They were pretty emotional.

I wonder how much of the whole thing actually happened and how much was scripted. Obviously the two families meeting was planned to begin with. And it seems to me the families would have expected something when cameras showed up to their place to film their children.

I liked that none of the families shown were OPPs, because they're already over-represented in popular culture, I feel. It was nice seeing that pretty much all the females had more than one boyfriend, just like all the males had more than one girlfriend. It felt weird that not one of the females (be it in the main families or the extended ones) seemed to be straight. I'm guessing the ones who were either weren't out and didn't want to appear in the show, or were cut out because it was less interesting (LOTS of female-on-female sex scenes. The most graphic ones I have ever seen in my life, actually, since I never watched lesbian porn, being straight.)

I really enjoyed the relationship parts, but I had to laugh when people were saying "it's not all about the sex". I know it isn't, but in the show, it pretty much is, there is sex in every single episode. I'm glad that they're comfortable with their sexuality and all, but I wish the show had been on a different channel that didn't feel the need to put sex in it all the time. It would have been better in fewer episodes, I feel, if at all.

So my wishes for the next polyamory show would be one that's more of a documentary and focuses more on other aspects of the people's lives than the dating. I feel this show covered that already, maybe now we can have one that just features people who happen to be poly, without it being the only characteristic, and follow their lives, their jobs, their struggles and everything.

I thought the tattoo ring was a terrible idea, but I guess they've known each other from childhood it seems, so even if they decided to end the relationship, it would still be a friendship ring or something.
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Old 09-13-2012, 09:04 PM
blisscoach blisscoach is offline
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Default How a Reality Show Altered My Reality: Top Ten Ways the Polyamory Series Changed my L

By Kamala Devi

“It’s a wrap!” The first season of Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating has aired and I’m reflecting on how the show impacted me personally, as well as society as a whole. I had fun creating a “top ten” list of how this series changed my life:

#10 I now own a TV, subscribe to premium cable, and actually know how to work the DVR.

Prior to doing this show I never actually watched television, much less reality TV and I’m afraid to admit, my mind might have been better off without mindless hours of Jersey Shores, Gigolos and The Kardashians, in this process, I did however, learn there is a big difference between “reality shows” and “docu-series.” Unlike in most reality TV, I was happy to learn that our docu-series was not set up, scripted, or edited radically out of context. Ultimately, however this half hour show can only capture a mere snapshot of the complexity of our love lives with 13 minutes per family, per week.

#9 I put more effort into how I dress when I leave the house.

I may not have paparazzi following me, but on more than one occasion when crossing the street to get to the grocery store, I’ve heard “I love your show!” by an anonymous head leaning out of a car window. We’ve been sighted at the gym, mall, comedy club and even the YMCA when picking my son up from summer camp. I don’t get recognized as often as my girlfriend Jen, but that’s because I don’t leave the house nearly as much, and I get out of my Pajammas even less. We live by the beach and I would not normally mind being sighted in my lingerie, but wouldn’t want to reinforce any stereotypes about the whole poly community.

#8 Average people are hearing about Polyamory, and getting a sense of what it means.

After 15 years of practicing poly, one gets a little annoyed with the two part question: Poly what? and Isn’t that cheating? I know, I know, there is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are only so many times you can maintain a sweet tone while saying “No, I’m not Mormon.” And no, it has nothing to do with Polyplastics, polytechnic or even polyester. So you can imagine my relief when the show finally hit the air and people started talking, blogging and tweeting about it. Even beyond Showtime, the series got notable reviews on Dr. Drew, Talk Soup, Time Magazine and Gawker. It’s fun to watch Polyamory go from only being conversed about at sci-fi conferences and renaissance fairs to becoming all the buzz during corporate coffee breaks.

#7 Friends, family and even strangers feel entitled to express their advice on what I should do.

Of course, when I put myself in the public eye, I expected a certain degree of controversy, but I didn’t expect Showtime could magically turned Polyamory into an armchair spectators sport. Admittedly, if I weren’t personally involved in this project, I probably would not reserve my humble opinion as a poly activist either, this is after all a the first groundbreaking mainstream show on the topic. It’s surprising how personally attached and deeply pained people are by what happens on the show.

I’m working hard to have compassion for those who seem to have no idea how the media works. They seem to take every word as gospel; as if whatever was captured on camera must be “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” And that there is no space behind the scenes, or off camera, where we might self reflect, change our minds, or learn from what was just said. Further, I’m surprised by how many people think the events of the show are happening in real time. My favorite example is when I called my mother to catch up and she says: “Don’t tell me anything that’s happening with you…I can’t wait to watch it on Showtime!” And by the way, she is proud of being able to watch without covering their eyes during the sex scenes.

#6 I am forever bonded with my lovers (and have sex tapes to prove it.)

When my husband and I made the decision to shine a huge spotlight on our love life, we knew it was going to heat things up. Having cameras in our home, (and especially in our bedrooms) became a powerful spiritual practice that allowed us to better observe the ego. When a handful of lovers agree to join us in this conscious experiment, the result was alchemy that inextricably bonded everyone involved. Through the process we all learned to be better communicators, we broadened our perspectives and sometimes even saw our issues from outside ourselves. (I recommend everybody try this: the next time you get into an argument, (or have sex) set a camera up, press record, then post it on youtube to see what you learn about yourself

Letting the camera crew witness our lovemaking added yet another level of vulnerability as well as personal growth. It was a truly powerful practice to help dissolve insecurity, body issues and sex shame. One of the most frequent critiques of the show is “you make polyamory seem as if it’s all about sex!” Admittedly, I value sex, a lot, and as a sex educator I likely have more of it than the average poly person. By design, this show is late-night, adult-programing, so it might focus on us making out for a disproportionate percentage of our 13 minutes, but where else does the American public get to watch real people who love each other make love without guilt, or shame?

#5 I now live in a home with my Poly family of choice.

I am not one to wear an apron, but before we started shooting the show, many neighbors have seen me playing with my husband and son in our suburban yard and probably assumed we were the perfect Beaver Cleaver family. The truth is, the nuclear household has never fit the shape of my heart. Mainstream American is built on a social construct which places straight married couples and their offspring at the center of the family unit. In my opinion this cookie-cutter conspiracy is crumbling because it clearly lacks creativity.

My heart is built more like a sprawling estate with many rooms for lots of lovers who come and go as they please. Living in apartments, condos, single family homes has always felt strange and proven terribly inefficient. My live-in-lovers and I like to share resources; four adults only need only one washer machine, toaster, blender and the afore mentioned cable TV. We also share domestic duties. Tahl likes to cook breakfast while Michael gets Devin ready for school, Jen enjoys shopping and I’ve always said, if your good in bed, you don’t need to do dishes. I’ll admit instead of couches, we do have an excess of beds, we put one in every room so that lovers like Roxanne can have spontaneous sleep-overs.

Not everyone who does poly is married, and far fewer ever live with multiple lovers. My husband and I were very fulfilled for many years living alone. The show gave us the opportunity to share our transition into a life long dream of living in more sustainable community. And what mother wouldn’t wants a village to help her raise her child?

#4 I am open about my non-conventional parenting choices.

Even though my son Devin only appeared in two episodes, motherhood is a huge part of my life. During pre-production, my director gave me the option of whether or not I wanted to expose my five year old to the potentially unwanted attention that would be brought on by being in an sexually explicit adult content show. We knew Showtime was a progressive and sex-positive network, but there’s no telling what other news and entertainment channels would say about this series. My producers were sensitive to a historic case where a poly mother lost custody of her child after appearing on MTV. I personally had a painful experience several years ago where Inside Edition interviewed my family and aired it along side a counter-point who warned the viewers that our lifestyle could be causing psychological damage to our son. (Clearly, this so-called “expert” never met my family, because this is the last thing they would say if they had.)

The more I considered it, the clearer I got that showing our family would prove a more powerful narrative for social change. Polyamory is not just a phase people go through before they have kids, but it is a sustainable alternative to the nuclear unit. Granted, our series is not developmentally appropriate for kids, but I hope it opens the door for other families to tell their stories, so I hope one day my son will point to a show on prime time TV and say, “look mom, that family is poly, like ours.”

I was fully prepared to handle any negative consequences that came from airing the show. Fortunately the overwhelming response has been an outpouring of supportive letters about our parenting choices, including thank you letters from people who were raised in poly families. In general society is starting to see that the healthiest environment to raise children are ones in which the parents are happy and the children get plenty of adult attention, regardless of who they love.

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