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  #41  
Old 05-08-2010, 07:27 PM
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J - no misunderstanding at all. I was aware that you were on here but not posting out of respect for ak. You're right this is a place where she should be able to come to vent and seek help without worrying about defending her words. She needs that as it is helping her through this. I'm not sure if you are aware of my situation -- but it is very similar to ak's. Her and I think and feel the same about a lot of this. My husband and his GF are on here now and I do feel as though I have lost my freedom to say what I need to say in the way I need to say it, because I am sensitive to their feelings and because my words have been criticized and used against me. Ak has told me and I have seen from her posts that you are both reaching out to the other and recognizing each others feelings and needs. I know that you meet for lunch or coffee, that you text each other - I think it is wonderful that you two are able to do this. This is where my husbands GF and I occaisonally struggle. Whatever happened last night - I am hoping for everyones sake - that it can be worked out. As you know - ak has come a long way on her journey to compersion. I hope this is just a bump in the road - but I don't know the details and severity of what happened last night. But the fact that you are both taking responsibility is a good sign. Knowing how much ak loves her husband and values your friendship - I know you guys will be able to fix this and move on.

I'll be thinking about you both!

Kat
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  #42  
Old 05-08-2010, 07:48 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Ak-

the hardest thing to do when we push ourselves to hard, too fast, is to forgive OURSELF.

Generally speaking-once we forgive ourself we find that everyone else ALREADY FORGAVE US!

The rest of us can only imagine what is hurting you so much in this moment.
But having experienced moments of our own-we have a LOT of potential ideas. Our moments were painful too.

Valentine's Day was one for me. Maca bought me a beautiful ring. He bought a card and then asked GG if he wanted to write in it too.
THEY gave me the V-day gifts. I was moved to tears. The card was so sweet! The words they wrote in it touched my heart.
Maca and I went down to our room later and he made a comment about the ring (it has 4 or 5 hearts on it). He said something to the effect of "did you see that? Guess GG and I need to get a girlfriend."

That comment led me to believe the ring was from THEM. All hell broke loose when his attitude reverted and after talking to a mutual friend I found out that he EXPLICITLY did NOT want the ring to be from THEM, but only from HIM.
But HE was the one that set it up to look like it was from THEM-not I, not GG.
I was FURIOUS.

Sounds pretty minor written out at this moment-but that ring still sits in a drawer of his dresser. Because I returned it with the statement, "I'd rather have nothing at all, then a gift you weren't really ready to give. I don't want to be given gifts that are going to be taken back."

Suffice it to say he was ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. He couldn't see how we'd ever get past that much less through all the rest of the work needed to make a functional, healthy, happy, poly relationship.
But here we are in May-and that fight is over. We've made it through a number of other learning lessons-we've all made our mistakes, broken each others hearts,

AND YET_we are ALL stronger for it and our relationship as a whole is stronger for it too.


Don't give up because you took a step too soon. Just step back, take a deep breath and see what you can make from these lemons-a bit of sugar and ice and you may find it's the perfect time of year for a great pitcher of kick ass lemonade.
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  #43  
Old 05-08-2010, 07:59 PM
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LR - you never fail to amaze and inspire me with your words! I wish I was able to view and verbalize things with the clarity, honesty, inspration, understanding and empathy that you do. You are amazing!

I learn something new from you everyday!

Thank you for that!

Ak - she's right - you are loved and you need to forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness and move on!

Kat
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  #44  
Old 05-08-2010, 08:07 PM
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Thank you Kat.
You won't be so amazed after reading a few of the books I've suggested!
You'll find that much of what I say is simply something someone else learned and I read-understood and put into practice.

The hardest part is PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE.
But it's also the most exhilarating!
Well worth the effort.
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  #45  
Old 05-09-2010, 03:39 PM
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LR - I am going to try to buy or order some of those books today. I hope they make me as wise and inspirational as you are!

Ak - please update your post and let us know how you are doing! I am worried about you. I PM'd with J a little last night and she respects you so much for doing what you are doing and she does not hold you responsible for whatever happened. I hope that the three of you have been able to talk and work things out. Whatever happened - it isn't the end of the world - you will come out of this stronger! PLEASE post or PM me!

Kat
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  #46  
Old 05-09-2010, 06:15 PM
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Good for you KT! Nerdist went through a similar process to get to where he is today. Which is why, if you have read roly's thread (getting into a relationship with a married person?), I am adjusting to my new position in his life.

Finding your independence will allow you to decide if you want to stay in this or not. Its the first step in my opinion. Something that I mentioned when you first came on here. I'm glad that you are recognising that that course of action might be a way out of what you are feeling now and on to a better future path. One that feels more comfortable.

Hope it is the beginning of change for you. thanks for sharing your journey. You are very brave in making yourself that vulnerable. I respect that.
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  #47  
Old 05-09-2010, 06:43 PM
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KT, I don't really know what to say other than I hope you find inner strength and happiness in all of this.

RP, I really feel for what you're going through. I am working hard at owning my part and not feeling guilty. I would like to encourage and nurture whatever new connections form between you and Nerdist and between me and Nerdist. I have a lot of respect for both how this might be scary for you - and how well you are handling the sparks flying between Nerdist and me. You have good taste.

LR, I love that you read self help books. LOL!
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  #48  
Old 05-09-2010, 09:40 PM
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Hey there everyone. Sorry to make you worry. If you are willing to bear with me this will be a long post full of explanations and updates.

The week has been good. I had so many break throughs as you all well know. I am still very strong in those findings. Nothing has changed there. We were doing so well that we thought the three of us should get together on Friday night for one of our meet ups.
To start Friday during the day there were tensions between J and DH. But that is none of my business. I don't know what that was about. I just always tell them that before the three of us have one of our nights where we hang out and cuddle everyone, including them needs to be on good terms to take away from the awkwardness that we are still working on, though it is no where near as awkward as what it use to be.
DH and I had a couple of arguments ourselve before we got there. So basically no one was on very good terms with each other. DH and I had made up but things were still a little tense. He wanted to cancel. I was desparate not to because these nights make me feel included somehow. I have so much trouble feeling like the boring wife still at home while his nights with J are so intense and exciting. But when the three of us are together on our nights I feel like I am accepted by both of them and there is a spot for me in this somewhere. I like feeling exciting and included and not left out.
So I insisted we not cancel, even though I was nervous. I knew if I could just get there and the three of us could relax then the tensions would all die down and everything would be fine.
So we get there and go to her room. We are cuddling and trying to have some fun in the bedroom for a couple of hours. When all of a sudden J gets a text from her husband. He was suppose to be on a camping trip with his scout troup. But apparently he had come home to get something. He was expecting our truck to be there. He knew we were coming over. But we drove our car to save on gas. He thought we weren't there and came in the house. Only to hear us all up in the bedroom, get jealous and leave. He text J that he was there and basically he was jealous and had a problem with it.
He knew we were coming and the purpose we were coming. But the text put the three of us in a frenzy, adding to the tensions and anxieties that were already there.
I was having trouble relaxing before that point because I was reading how distant J and DH were coming across with each other and I felt awkward from the arguments I had had with DH a few hours before.
After the text came we all put on our shoes and sat out on the porch watching the lightening while J made desparate attempts to reach her husband. Trying to figure out what happened and why he was so hurt. By the end of all of this DH and I had to go home with no success of fixing J and her husband. J later text DH that she had to call it quits with him. She couldn't keep hurting her husband. They had tried to talk things out and work through their problems and they thought it had worked. The text proved he really couldn't handle it.
DH was in a huff the rest of the night. He was very cold and distant with me. H made abrupt comments and wanted nothing to do with me. It felt like he blamed me for not listening and insisting on going over in the beginning when he wanted to cancel. He was hurt from suddenly losing J and trying to understand her husband's point of view. He was very twisted with emotions.
J was upset from losing DH, hurting her husband and feeling like she would need to live a double standard life where her husband would be poly and she wouldn't, despite how she felt.
I felt responsible for the whole thing because I agreed that if I had just listened to people in the first place and not insisted on ignoring the tensions and not cancelling we could have avoided the awkwardness that was there the whole time anyway which made the situation with J's husband even worse. For me I don't like to hurt people and I was apart of seeing J's marriage fall apart, or so what we thought was it falling apart. I was beating myself up and crashing from knowing I had hurt someone so much. I can't stand hurting people. That is why I am able to be the mono. I can take the hurt myself. I can deal with that. But I was watching J and DH crumble in pain and J's husband and I couldn't take it away and if I had just not been selfish about trying to feel included then none of this would have ever happend.
DH sent up walls all over the place - from me, from J. He wasn't letting anyone in. He had been hurt by this just a couple of weeks before when he thought he was going to loose her. It became easier for him to believe he didn't care even though he was in tears. He told me he expected I would be better off without him as well and it was only a matter of time but not to worry. He would get over it. He didn't need anyone sticking around for him. That sent up walls for me that he was planning on leaving himself.

The story continued Saturday. J and I texted all day. By the end she was begging for us to come back over. She had been talking to her husband. Even drove out to the scout camp to work things out. It took some convincing. DH didn't want to go. He just wanted to forget the pain and go out and work in the yard for hours. But I was hurting too. J was doing very well and that I found surprising. But we went. We all talked. DH text her husband a little bit. There were apologies and explanations. Her husband didn't want this to end. He felt like there had been things not explained to him.
J talked to DH about not ending things after all. We spent the rest of the night cuddling and talking things out some more and trying to make each other feel better. J and I are doing fine. I am still very worried about DH though. Some walls are down but there are plenty still up. He is bracing for the next down fall. Waiting for the next time J or her husband get upset. Waiting for J to tell him that things have ended or that she is unhappy with him. He is blocking the dramatics from all of us, not just them in his head. I feel for him because I know his heart has been sent on a rollercoaster the past couple of weeks. I know he just needs to be shown over time that no one is going to freak out on him again and I think everyone just relaxing around him is the only way to do it. Slowly he might start trusting the people around him again.
I just feel bad because I tried to be there for him and all he saw was me leaving him. If I was going to leave, I have had plenty of reasons and opportunities before now to do so. But I am here for the long haul. He knows that J needs to take care of her marriage first and I know he wasn't trying to take it out on me. I was an easy target for his hurt. And after a few days he would have been better with J and seen more clearly that this was to save her marriage.
No one is getting divorced today. I know I jumped a gun here. But that night was horrible. There were tears and hurt and angry husbands. I thought J and I would not be able to continue being friends. I thought her husband was hurt by something I insisted on happening. I thought my husband hated me for not letting him cancel and being a loud mouth in the bedroom. It was my voice he heard through the door. He thought it was J's and that she was having more fun and being happier with us than with him. But it was me he was hearing. And that upset him. I felt mortified knowing that. I slept maybe an hour Friday night. Cried all day Saturday. Am feeling better today but on edge with DH. It is hard to see him like this. He is still hurt and stand offish. I just hope that between J and I we can show him how much he is loved and cared about and know that if he can be patient and give us time he will be comfortable again.
When they were holding each other on Friday night trying to reach her husband I was fine. I really was. This was huge for J and he was desparately trying to comfort her and I only wish there had been room on the outside porch chair for me as well. But since there was only room for two the right people were on that bench. I was great with that. I was great with their cuddling on Saturday. They needed to show each other that things were good again. At least that she was trying to show him. He will need some time of seeing that. He is just guarded so that he doesn't crash again.

I am sorry for the worries and concerns. This has been a very trying weekend. Time will hopefully be on our side as we continue to work through the insecurities and understandings. For now I am still here. J is still reading and is welcome to post any time. She knows that. DH will probably never be on here. It's not his thing. Thank you for all of your posts and support.
I am very worried about all of them, even her husband. I just hope we will continue to be well. Thank you again.
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  #49  
Old 05-10-2010, 03:06 AM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Glad to see you came back!

I'm sorry to hear everything you all have been going through this weekend! Give it time - things will work themself out! If your husband is anything like mine - he'll get angry, moody, quiet, then a few days later he'll be fine. Men normally need some time to work it out mentally. For us women, we get angry, cry, pout, cry, pout some more, eat, cry, pout, eat, cry, shop - then we're ok.

Hang in there sweetie - this was just a bump in the road.

Call or PM me if you need to!

Kat
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  #50  
Old 05-11-2010, 08:27 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Hey everyone,
So this is the night this week that DH is going over to J's. I don't know if he will be going over another night. J's husband has asked that there be no more than two nights a week. Which has never been a problem.
I am off to a church dinner tonight. And since I am the cook I will be plenty busy. I haven't cried or teared up. I have hesitated at many points during the day trying not to concentrate on it. It is still very nerve wracking. I don't know if that will ever go away.
I am really curious how things will go since this past weekend after everything blew up and got out of control. DH and I had a great night last night. We had a very intimate sexual night that definitely kept a smile on my face today. Hopefully we will have the same tomorrow night.
My daughter also has a bit of a congestion problem tonight. Not that I am glad but it is also another distraction. I will be busy making sure she doesn't get a fever. So between that and church I should be plenty busy.
These are the harder nights although they aren't as hard as what they use to be. I haven't cringed yet tonight. I haven't even choked up like I did last week. I am just trying not to linger on it. I am in a very good mood actually. Just doing what I can to stay there and putting all my efforts into controlling my imagination and the bad things it can do.
If I can keep my thoughts in check then when he gets home tonight we can have a successful gush time. I can have a good gush time with her tomorrow as well. Those have become important to me just as much as his.
I am typing this now instead of later when he is actually there. I don't know if I will be on later this time. I have lined up a busy night for myself. But if I am then I will talk to you all then!
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