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  #31  
Old 05-05-2010, 08:29 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default Digging a little Deeper

I was discussing with J today the "rule" that I had lifted this past weekend about giving me a good advance notice before DH goes over. She was trying to stick with that rule anyways and as I was explaining things to her I realized something.
I realized why I needed that rule in the first place. I realized how I had been feeling this week without that rule. And I smiled and felt happy about being able to dig that deep into how I felt about this one small part of the situation.
I needed that rule in the beginning because without it I was a nervous wreck. What if I needed him that night? What if I wasn't able to handle it? I would sit with a jumble of nerves waiting to see if he would suddenly disappear on me. It was a fear of him leaving and not coming back. Not wanting to be with me all of a sudden. Would I have plans ready to keep myself occupied and busy.
Then the day came when I realized I was ready to step outside of that shell. This week I have not been like that. I have been great. And there has been no mentioned plans of when they will be together, although I know that there is usually plans to meet at least once a week at her place. And when it happens I will be fine as well. If I need him I can call him before he goes over and he will be there for me. And so will she. I don't need to worry in advance. I can take those nights and pop in a movie that he hates. I feel ready for this step and I like that. I know I am ready to not be selfish about needing him because of course he will come home to me. And it isn't that he doesn't want to be with me, or prefer her. It's that, this is how it worked out this week. And I am ok with that.
When she tried to keep the rule I had to let her know why I couldn't put that back in place. I know she had my interest at heart. But I need to keep that rule at way. I need to keep progressing. If I am not then I will slip back into the numbness and insecurities that I am finally conquering and start becoming scared again. I just don't even want to bear the thought of living through more of that.
I am so tired of the stress and hurt and worrying about what he thinks of me. I want to continue knowing that he loves me and has no doubt in his mind that I am his soul mate. My relationships with both of them are growing. I wanted to try taking away one of the rules. This was an easy one to handle right now. And I am doing great with it.
They both tell me they are willing to do whatever I need for me to be comfortable and at ease so I know that they are hesitant with me doing something even this small to help myself move forward. I know no one is forcing me to change the rules. But they need to change. And I know that despite me telling them I need their input, they will change when I say so and I appreciate their patience and understanding with me. But I also know I feel better about certain things lately. I am happy because I am starting to grow as a person. I am slowly beginning to trust my husband again. It has been very hard to do that. Harder than almost everything. I think the only thing harder is accepting they love each other. And I am doing better there I know that. I can actually say it out loud now. But I am also becoming closer to her, and most importantly him.
The pain is still very much there. But it is starting to subside a little. Each week it gets a little easier. I go longer without meltdowns now. If I don't keep pushing myself all I will ever feel is how hard this is. I can't live my life like that. I need to be happy again. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to smile. And I have done that this week. I have actively held my husband and helped him with advice in his relationship with her if he has asked for it. I think it is because he is trying to include me and is talking to me that helps.

I also realized something else. I know why I feel so insecure and inadequate about them being together sometimes, especially with how intense they get. I realized it comes from all the years of cheating. From before she was apart of this. When DH and I had everything out he admitted that during that time in our marriage part of the reason was indeed because he was bored and needed excitement in the bedroom again. And went about it the wrong way. That wasn't all his fault. I got to the point during those years that I didn't care. Sex became a chore and just another part of the day. It had lost all spark for both us. We just handled it differently. Granted his hurt alot more than anything I did. I just got new hobbies like exercise and focusing on my diet and house. But that is why we talk now. And why I am trying to rebuild my trust in him. And why I get insecure and feel like the boring house wife. I just have to keep reminding myself that we are coming away from that rough patch and rebuilding what should have been there all along.
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  #32  
Old 05-06-2010, 01:55 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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What an excellent post ak! Beautiful!
Very impressed with your self-introspection.

GREAT job!
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  #33  
Old 05-08-2010, 06:25 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default lost

Tonight was suppose to be wonderful. But I pushed too hard. I hurt so many people I care about. And I fear I have lost everything. Compersion can't fix everything and sometimes it just doesn't matter at all when u are using it and it works and yet people still get hurt.
To dh and j, I'm sorry I hurt you. I was great watching u two need each other. Right now I hope someday I can forgive myself. I know they probably don't Even blame me. But I know how pushy I was for us to have tonite so we could all have some time together. Now there are people on couches, not beds. I'm sorry.
I have lost a friend, maybe a husband's respect, my confidence, my beliefs that everyone would be ok. I fear I have lost this fight.
Goodnight.
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  #34  
Old 05-08-2010, 06:56 AM
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Nothing has to be lost.
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  #35  
Old 05-08-2010, 11:10 AM
michelleandray michelleandray is offline
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Default Please don't do that

AK...I know I told you I wouldn't post, but this last one scares me. You didn't push for last night, it was something we all wanted. You haven't hurt anyone...that one is all on me.

You haven't lost a friend...it you still want me around that is. And I am positive that the only one who lost any of your dh's respect last night was me.

Please don't blame yourself for something I did.

J
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  #36  
Old 05-08-2010, 11:48 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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I think I'm going to throw up. Not handling things too well. Last nite was too soon, why did I insist just because of the progress I have made this week. No matter what I say no one will believe I am ok with the comforting. I wouldn't have been ok without it. I only wish the couch had been big enough for me to help comfort J.
Things were tense in the beginning as it was but I didn't listen. I wanted to show how good I was with everything. Play with some toys. Dh was upset with me for it later. We had all talked about it first but I guess things weren't as relaxed aas I had hoped. I just can't take this hurting. I've finally reached breaking point. I'm sorry for the readers who had hope through this. My success story has fallen. I hurt two marriages last nite. I am signing off now before I get worse.
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  #37  
Old 05-08-2010, 04:15 PM
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My goodness, what happened? I am imaging what happened, but as it is with imaging, its rarely the story.

*hugs* I'm so sorry that you are hurting
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  #38  
Old 05-08-2010, 04:19 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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We all make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them and move on, improving what we messed up.

Step back, breathe, talk to the others involved, learn from the mistakes made, and go forward.

You will pull through this if you give yourself the time to do so.

I have seen many, MANY times where people say to only go as fast as the slowest member of the relationship. To me this means to only go as fast as you, and everyone else in the relationship, is comfortable going. Expect to make mistakes, we all make them.
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  #39  
Old 05-08-2010, 05:18 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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J - I think it is great that you are reaching out to ak - I think it's good for both of you to support each other. I know how much your friendship means to ak!

Hang in there - things will get better!
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  #40  
Old 05-08-2010, 05:42 PM
michelleandray michelleandray is offline
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KT - Please don't misunderstand...this is not the first time that I have reached out to AK, and it won't be the last - and she, hopefully , is well aware of that. I have been intentionally not posting on here, despite reading her posts because I felt this was her space to be free to talk without feeling like she was going to have to argue her point of view. She knew I was reading the posts, but she also knew that I saw this as her "space" to vent or scream or anything else that she needed to do when she didn't feel comfortable doing that with either her DH or me.

But thank you for the positive thoughts.
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