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Old 04-23-2010, 01:34 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
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Default Little Frustrated

Just a little frustrated tonight. We were hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend tonight. My sister was inside taking care of her baby. So the three of us were outside. Now her boyfriend is a pot smoking, constant cheating creep that I already don't like. It is a shock to see him do anything that might constitute as help with his own baby. But we deal with it because my sister wants him around so that her daughter can know her biological father. Anyway off topic.
So the three of us are on the porch hanging out and they are joking around about sex stuff. I was joking with them. Husband makes a comment about something kinky. I do tons of kinky stuff but I think this particular thing is a bit gross so I don't do it. I just made the joking comment that hey, I am not your girlfriend, that's her thing.
He looks at sister's boyfriend and says very seriously giddy "Yeah, she's a freak!" I just looked at him, like are you serious! And he knows he could have been a little more discreet, especially in front of someone like him who wouldn't understand polyamory the way it is meant to be. Just a reason to sleep around with anyone anytime.
So we go on talking. And I mention that comment bothered me and I was still thinking about it. So husband is all like "Of course you are, because that is what you do." I understand he was trying to be all guy but come on! Show a little sensitivity. Sorry, just venting. I know he didn't mean any harm and he will probably come inside later and apologize. I am just a little irritated right now. Might also have something to do with lack of sleep. My daughter is in her crazy into everything toddler stage and I am so tired from chasing her all day long to go with the cleaning, work and other errands.
Thanks for the vent. Just bothered because he gets mad if I say I am ok about something when I am not and don't open up. But when I do he makes a smart ass comment. He does the same thing when he says he wants to reassure me. One minute he is saying he wants to be there and help me through the hard points, the next he is saying I can't keep depending on him to make me feel better. So then I don't, I start trying to depend on myself, so he gets mad that I am not coming to him and leaning on him and talking to him. It is a back and forth cycle that wears me down a bit. I am sure I will be fine in the morning.
Thanks again.
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Old 04-23-2010, 03:52 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Location: In Redpepper's heart
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Default Venting

Venting is so much better shared with many I wonder why but it certainly helps me...thanks for sharing!

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
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Old 04-25-2010, 12:58 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Unhappy So Much Cheating and Dishonesty

I don't understand cheating. I don't understand how someone brings themselves to that point. I'm sorry for anyone I might offend. I feel like I have read so many posts lately about those who have cheated. If you really love your wife or husband as much as you say you do, even though you love this other person, why would you do this. What on earth goes through the head to make this ok. Where is the guilt and consequences. It just adds to the pain for those of us who are mono and trying to accept this. It makes it that much harder because the trust is totally stripped away and as hard as you try to trust the poly again it feels near impossible. Every text, every phone call, every time you are not together the mono has to wonder if the poly is telling the truth. If the Poly had just been honest in the first place instead of going behind the mono's back it might not have been as hard.
It feels like the mono really doesn't have a say in what happens. The poly is going to live this lifestyle, like it or not, with whoever they want and if the spouse doesn't like it tough. The poly has already cheated. It has already happened. The mono lost all say as soon as the cheating happened and the consent was taken away.

Sorry. I am a little sentimental tonight and I am very sorry to step on toes. I know there are many of you out there that have started this way. But when I found out about my husband cheating I felt like all my choices were stripped away. I know if I had said stop with J he would have. But he had already been with her. He had already been with L and P and a few others. No one ever asked for my consent. Oh wait, J did mention she liked him. But she also reassured me nothing would ever happen. Then the I love yous started. The sex text were there, the oral sex in the cars after work. And she wasn't the first. It burns. I am trying so hard to trust him again. But when he slips up and there is another lie to add to the pile now it makes it that much harder to trust him. I just wish someone would have actually given me the choice they say I so called had. I never had a chance. And now because I love my husband and don't want to hurt him and am not willing to give up on my marriage I have to accept something without warning or consideration.

Maybe I am not doing as well as I thought. Even I have off nights I guess. I am sorry again.

KT if you are reading this I know how the boat feels. No one asked me if this woman could hop on. And while I don't feel they are trying to steer it without me. I know neither can leave the boat without the other. And when J's husband tried to make that happen and I saw that pain it hurt me so much. Because I wasn't the co-captain anymore. I wasn't able to be the one to take away that pain. And that burned so much to know I didn't have that belief anymore. J and husband are still together and they are happy and relieved. I am relieved to see husband smile, but still very much hurt that it took her to bring his smile back. Not me. J and I are friends. but sometimes I want to put her on that little lifeboat that hangs on the side and tell her to watch a little bit and leave me alone.

I am sorry again. Can't say that enough.
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Old 04-25-2010, 01:15 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

I agree 100%. Cheating is not poly and not healthy. Especially when the cheating is then compounded by a lie. But I do have to say i understand the rawness of wanting to. Even in my open relationship I am struck, at times by a desire to cheat. To break the rules. Last night was a prime example of a time I was feeling very weak (my little head was damn close to beating my big head)...I could have easily cheated...twice. But something in me stops me everytime. But man was it a fight...oi...

I have never cheated, and don't intend to. I have been the cheatee...3rd party cheater...not sure...I slept with a woman who was dating her gf at the time. It was a mixture of rekindling, acid and a fantastic night of walking around a small town while high...it was a very connecting moment and offered US closure...we both needed that.

But anyways, has anyone ever said you sound canadian...you sure say sorry a lot

You love a man who loves another women and you are handling it with poise...and intellect...I say you are doing a great job, but it will take time to rebuild trust...it is never easy
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Old 04-29-2010, 09:54 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119

J's husband lifted the break time he asked of DH and J last night. He talked with her and they got through alot of issues. This has been a hard two weeks for everyone. I have had to hold my husband and comfort about the possibility of loosing a woman he loves who isn't me. And it has hurt knowing that it wasn't my arms he was wanting. It hurt to know that he was so worried about her that our sex life was being affected. This was never something I pictured happening in my life, that is for sure.
I broke down yesterday. They were suppose to reunite for the first time from their break last night. I just wanted this to happen so I could have my husband back. I missed him and I just couldn't take any more hurt. I was right when I said someone was going to come out hurting. It was me. But I can deal with that so much more than seeing either of them suffer from not being able to be with each other.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder and I think their break made them love each other more. That burns but I am accepting it. I miss being someone's one and only sometimes, I don't think I was ever really one. But it sounds like a nice idea. Very hollywood though.
J did something unbelievable for me last night. It was suppose to be her turn. It was their night and it meant alot to both of them. But she knew I was hurting and missing him. So she sent him home. She sent him home with a promise that her husband did not object to them anymore and they would be together again soon. And he came home to me, happily. And we made sweet love and he was happy and it was because he was laying in my arms.
They tricked me, lol. They told me her husband came home from work early and DH couldn't stay. But as DH and I were falling asleep he told me that her husband never got called off of work. That instead he read my text to her and our conversation throughout the day. Even though I insisted they not break their night because I just couldn't handle another day of seeing him hurt, she sent him home anyway. After them talking it all out.
I think it was their way of giving back to me after everything I have given up and sacraficed for them to be together and for my husband to live his life the way he needs to. I cried out of happiness for the first time in a long time and felt very touched. A bit guilty. But I won't let that over ride what they did for me. I do appreciate their thoughtfulness.
They are reuniting on Friday night now instead so I am sure I will be on again then. Til then my friends!
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Old 04-30-2010, 12:44 AM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293

I agree -
I haven't ever responded to your posts, mainly because I didn't really know what to say.
BUT, although I can feel the hurt through your writing, you seem to be doing this well. I do hope your husband sees how strong you are.

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Old 04-30-2010, 12:53 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 102

I think you are stronger than a lot of people. I wouldn't be able to do what you are doing and I read your posts when things are rough for me because of that strength. I'm so happy your husband came home, I hope everything continues to lift from here on out.
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Old 04-30-2010, 09:28 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 833

I must say: you are coming along and accepting things very well.

There aren't many people who would be as willing and able to forgive a spouse/lover the cheating and lies while being willing to accept the one who helped the s/l cheat!

You are AWESOME in my book!

Yes, it can be a hard road but the rewards FAR out weigh the negative things.

We have hard times in mono relationships AND poly relationships the difference is that the more people there are in a relationship the more complicated it becomes. You seem to be doing absolutely wonderful! Even with the hard times you are still willing to at least try to forgive and forget! I know a few people (in the mono world, no less) who could take lessons from you on how it should be done, lol.

May your journey be as stress free as possible and may you continue on in this with as much awesomeness as you have already shown.
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Old 05-01-2010, 01:06 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
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Default Mulling things over

As I lay here, reading back over old posts I go find myself thinking about the beginning here. Maybe it is because tonight they are reuniting and I know how great they feel to be together again. I am finding myself reminicsing about how this all started. And as I think of that I think of the things I found out along the way. My mind mainly drifts to the text and emails I found. I don't think they know I found their emails. I found the one where she sent naked pictures of herself and where the ones where they were declaring how much they care about each other and how to handle me for the threesomes. I remember seeing the dates on these. They predated the day I found out about everything by about a month. Neither of them would ever admit that this had been going on longer than a few days before I found out. I always knew better though. But I remember when I found those emails and they would never admit they felt strongly for each other before that fateful week I had to let it go. Those emails happened before I found out. It happened when there were still lies. It really bothered me knowing that I had done those threesomes under false pretenses. I really believed there was nothing when I did those. They were very good at convincing me. But I forgave them for that. I brought myself to the point where anything that happened before the first week of February didn't count. My marriage was still at rock bottom and in despair. I let those lies go. I don't know why. It felt like the right thing to do.

Onto the present. They are together tonight. As for me, I had dinner with my mom, got a bubble bath and plan to pull out my book tonight and fall asleep reading. I will be ok. I am ok. This is a good thing. I don't have to worry about DH when he comes home tonight. He has his Kitten back tonight. And I have been in a good mood all day so I know that has helped.
I have already choked up a little. That is great in my book. I use to have a good cry each time. It was needed. Nothing horrifying or in need of someone holding me. Just a good cry. Now I just choke up a little and I am able to get through the night. That is improvement, right?

DH is hinting at another threesome with J. Another night of the three of us. I know it helps and I don't object to it. But I just can't until they have the appropriate time together first. At least a couple of nights, maybe even a third. I don't really want to witness them re-connecting. A normal night is hard enough. I can't watch a reunion. I will feel like an intruder. Giving them time together to get the I missed you's and I am so glad to have you in my arms again's out of the way. That way I won't feel like a third wheel.

I am still smiling tonight. I have had a good day. J and I chatted alot today. DH was in a good mood when I talked to him earlier. I know I am not done with bad days. I don't think you get over them in a matter of weeks or months. But it does get a little easier, right? You find your pattern or groove.

I got a small flirtatious comment at the gym tonight. It felt good. I know DH isn't ready for me to take the steps into polyamory. Neither am I. But to think someone said something nice to me on a night where I am so lonely felt great. It was very quickly in passing. Over as soon as it began and I will never see the guy again and probably wouldn't recognize hiim if I did. But it felt nice. And I always feel my best and most confident at the gym anyway so that helped.

That's all at the moment. I am sure I will post again soon.
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Old 05-01-2010, 03:23 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
I got a small flirtatious comment at the gym tonight. It felt good. I know DH isn't ready for me to take the steps into polyamory. Neither am I. But to think someone said something nice to me on a night where I am so lonely felt great. It was very quickly in passing. Over as soon as it began and I will never see the guy again and probably wouldn't recognize hiim if I did. But it felt nice. And I always feel my best and most confident at the gym anyway so that helped.
Thanks for all of your sharing. My heart goes out to you!! I am the secondary to Charles and Holland is his primary partner. She has struggled with my relationship with Charles. One night, we went out dancing and met a couple (through another friend). Holland was attracted to the guy in the couple and began to flirt and dance with him. He flirted back and they had a great time. That was the first night that she was comfortable seeing Charles and I dance together, flirt and kiss each other in front of her. I'm not suggesting that you go out and get a lover, but I'm just saying that I saw it was a lot easier for Holland to accept our physical connection when she could flirt around and have a physical connnection with a guy she was attracted to.

For me, it's one of the benefits of the poly lifestyle..... everyone has the option of participating in having "many loves"!!! Yeah!!!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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