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  #121  
Old 07-22-2010, 03:22 AM
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  #122  
Old 07-22-2010, 06:04 AM
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Yes you're right - we have to find the attributes that most people look to their partner's to provide, within ourselves. It's hard work but it must be healthy.

And I don't quite get the whole 'crutch' thing. This is hard work! I started to feel a little like you about sex the other day. We've always had a really great sex life and so if things get a bit "comfortable' I get worried. Crutches are used by people who are injured. Are we injured or are we challenged and in need of support?
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  #123  
Old 09-02-2010, 08:21 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default I'm back

Hey everyone. I think I have stayed away too long. I have felt myself stuggling a little bit lately and I know my relationships around me are picking up on it.

Things have gone a little crazy for me lately. J and her family and my family have all become one big unit.We practically live at their house. And it is like one giant family. I love being there and usually never want to go home. But there are still times I struggle with my jealousies and emotions and insecurities are at an all time high. Particularly when I feel like DH and I have become a bit detached from each other.

I just need to get back to this place and hash it out here like I use to. I use to own my own feelings and work my way through alot of insecurities. But DH and I had a huge gigantic fall out about a month ago and I have just had so much pent up hurt and anger since. I blame him for everything under the moon and let my feelings boil at the surface so that I freak about everything.

I have often mentioned to the other three that I feel like a bit of an oddball out. The rest of them lead this poly life and have careers and lives. I am a mono with barely a part time job and often feel like I am letting everyone down. I have even suggested they invite in a third woman so that they can have a quad with this mono on the side. That way they get what they want and I can be there when DH is ready for me. I knw that would be hard and hurt for awhile but at least I wouldn't feel like I was disappointing the entire group.

There is talk of of all of us moving away together. And that excites me. At first it was them talking and wave of horrible sadness washed ove me. Then they all started talking about how we need to do it together and I got excited. My only worry is loosing my DH in the process. I just don't want him to value me any less for not being a career woman. But at the same time I don't want to loose this family that we have built.

I am so confused right now. I know eithe way would be hard and there will be difficulties and hurt both ways. But I think I would rathr all of us move together. That way I get my best friend. DH and J get to stay together and I don't have to worry about that hurt again. My daughter stays with all the friends she loves so much. I just have to get myself back on a good track so everyone can relax around me. But the more they tell me I'm not ok when I am trying to get there the more frustrating it is. I know that I will be ok. I just need a chance to prove to them and myself I can do it, even if I am mono.
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  #124  
Old 09-02-2010, 10:57 PM
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It doesn't sound like you are ready to move in and leave your own house. Maybe you shouldn't then? At least you have somewhere to go if this doesn't work. What's the rush anyways? This is all new no? Like not even a year old yet?
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  #125  
Old 09-03-2010, 08:28 PM
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Yay, Yay, Yah

I am so pleased you are back. I have really missed you and thought about you a lot but respected that you wanted some space. Please don't go away again.

The rest of them lead this poly life and have careers and lives.

Didn't Js husband have big problems with her relationship initially? Is he able to be of some help?

often feel like I am letting everyone down. I have even suggested they invite in a third woman so that they can have a quad with this mono on the side.

Don't do this it would totally escalate further all your insecurities and jealousies. This sort of thinking sounds like a cry for help to me. You are you and you have every right to be loved and accepted as they do. More often than not I find my own lessons reflected in poly. These sort of feelings are probably telling you that you need to accept and appreciate yourself a lot more. Maybe instead of being so tied up with them you could be doing something for yourself that makes your heart sing? While on one level you love being around them it is probably adding to your continual comparisons of yourself.

And what the hell is this thing about them telling you that you're not OK? That makes me angry. Yes you should have been back here before now. There is lots of work to do.

Join up with the poly/mono group on Yahoo groups. There is a really interesting quote someone has posted about being your SO's priority rather than just an option.

Smiles for you
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  #126  
Old 09-03-2010, 09:47 PM
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Default feeling better today

I am doing better today. Dh. And I are headed to vacation with his family. I'm already missing j and her family. But we will be back in a week.

J's husband and I have done some talking on our own and he has been alot more involved since the beginning. We have even packed up all the kids for a funtrip to an amusement park. We watch each others kids. Everyone seems to get along pretty well. We have our fallouts. But who doesn't.

I think I need to carify them saying I'm not ok. I think its more that they I know I get more sensitive than the rest of them because I came in to this not by choice and dh and I had not been getting along. For a very long time before this. Its more of she is struggling and not ok emotionally to handle whatever is happening at the time. I just like it when someone hears me when I say I will be ok and keep doing whatever.

Getting back here has helped already. After yet another tiff with dh this morning I finally figured out why I'm so grumpy lately. I'm a little sexually frustrated. Our sex life is close to non existent lately But hopefully I can fix that tonight. Lol. That is all for now. I will probably type more tomorrow. Today I am Good. Just really missing home already. Dh is driving right now so it was a Good time to get This done.
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  #127  
Old 09-04-2010, 12:19 AM
michelleandray michelleandray is offline
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OK...I don't usually do this, but there are some things in this post that I want to clarify. As to the comment that AK isn't ready to leave her own home...we are not talking about moving in together...we are talking about moving to a different location together. We will still have separate houses. Although the majority of our time, even now, is spent as a family unit with all four of us and our kids all together.

As for the "she's not ok" comment - none of us are EVER telling her there is something wrong with her. We each love her - in our own ways - for who she is! Her comment is referencing the fact that we worry about her and making sure that she has what she needs to be ok, not that we think there is something wrong with her, just that we want to make sure she is in a good place emotionally.

I have made my steps to stop questioning her when she tells me that she is doing ok...to stop overanalyzing every look and touch and to stop reading in to everything she says. It has been so much a part of what her DH and I have done though, it's hard to stop. I just hope she can be patient with me. Once I make the transition - we can start working on getting our husbands to do the same.

As for her suggesting us adding another woman...none of us want that - and we have all expressed that to her. She is what we want - for who she is!

I'm sure there are other things that I wanted to cover...so I might be back, but for now...I will sign off and let this place get back to being her sanctuary...

You know I love you, love!

J

Last edited by michelleandray; 09-04-2010 at 12:27 AM.
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  #128  
Old 09-04-2010, 04:38 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default lonely

Thank u for all the clarifications J. I love u. She got it all right on the nose.

Just feeling a little left out and lonely today. Nothing to do with J and her family. Just a little lost as to where I fit into my husbands life at the moment. Has kind of felt like he hasn't had much time for me lately. I have really been in a sexually aggressive mood for awhile now but we don't seem to get anywhere with it. It actually feels like J is there for me more than anyone which I really love and appreciate. I've just realty needed my husband lately and can't seem to catch him long enough for him to see how much I'm struggling with missing him. Again maybe tonight I will get lucky. I just need to focus on handling my problems myself right now. He can't do it for me.
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  #129  
Old 09-04-2010, 07:09 PM
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Blogs are generally a place where those who they belong to can come and write about their feelings, thoughts and what events happen in their lives. I am having a bit of a reaction to M writing on your blog ak, denying that your experience of your reality is valid. There is no right or wrong in this. Just different experiences of events and what is going on for you both.

When someone tells another that their version of their reality is not valid it creates doubt for them. Parents tend to do this with children and the doubt that is created, that their experience and gut feels aren't valid, turns them into doubtful adults who follow what others tell them because they believe that other peoples reality is more valuable than their own.

Ak, this is your blog, and you can do with it what you will. If you are okay with M reflecting her feelings and thoughts about what you feel and think on here then that's fine, but I would suggest that the usefulness in blogging will be gone as a result and I would think that eventually you will not bother as you may feel that your privacy is threatened.
You seem to have a lot of doubt already that this is a good relationship dynamic for you ak. Your struggle is evident. That is very valid and I would hope no one is trying to convince you that you should just deal with it and suck it up. Walking through your emotions and getting to the route of what is going on for you will mean that you can discover what needs aren't being met for you. Once you have made a list of those, then you can start being creative about how to get them met and invite the others to help you with that. It would be important to voice what you need, however ludicrous and over the top it might sound. That would be the beginning of negotiating. I hope you continue to blog here to sort stuff out.

M, I totally get that you have a point of view and I am not suggesting that that should not be respected. Perhaps starting your own blog or talking in private with ak would be a better idea than questioning ak's thoughts here. Maybe this should be her space and her place of safety to explore and get feed back from others on HER version of what goes on. I'm assuming that you didn't talk about it with ak before writing here M and perhaps asking permission to respond would be more respectful?

Just a thought from someone witnessing.
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  #130  
Old 09-05-2010, 12:21 AM
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Hi Ak

Sorry for any angst I may have caused through mis-understanding your original post. I will try to read more carefully and not jump to conclusions.

This is probably not what you want to hear but I wonder if both yours and DH's relationship with J is getting in the way of your relationship with each other?

You both seem to seek solace in her and this may be hindering you actually dealing with the stuff you have between each other.

Z has a rule for himself that he does not communicate with his SO if things are not right between us. This break of yours might be a good chance for you guys to look at this and maybe change the pattern?
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