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  #111  
Old 07-02-2010, 03:01 AM
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Thanks for your observations immaterial but I don't think there is anything wrong with me at all. I strive to be the most effective me I can be and that requires self analysis and awareness. I experience pain and fear and insecurity and lots of other emotions that aren't particularly pretty and I try to deal with those as effectively as I can. Sometimes I'm more successful than others.

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  #112  
Old 07-02-2010, 03:26 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
It's so interesting to read all of these thoughts and feelings and experiences. I thank all of you who are so boldly honest and communicative.

One constant thread is that poly, non-monogamous and mono people here are all expressing the idea that they either went through or still do go through periods where they feel there is something wrong with them for their orientation. This fascinates me.

I do believe we live in a culture of pathology. I feel the underlying message from our context is "there is something wrong with you." This constitutes the shame core for each of us. Relationships, intimacy, emotions and sex are all part of that shame core, are all driven by the contexts that we inherit.

That poly, non-mono and mono people can all express essentially the same sentiment of "there is something wrong with me" or that most of us have at least wrestled with that demon is revealing.

Immaterial
Great post Immaterial. I have felt the shame and even guilt of which you speak. I know that finding this site thanks to 2Rings (and KT) has really helped me find a definition of who I am and the feelings or orientation I have struggled with throughout much of my life but especially this last year and half. Perfect expression to describe what we all feel as participants in complicated relationships. Thanks!
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  #113  
Old 07-02-2010, 06:25 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Sage, I think it's beautiful that you don't think there's anything wrong with you. Was there a time when you did?

Thanks MG.

Less than helpful things my significant other was told when she wanted to separate after I told her I was poly and non-mono:

- If you really loved him, you'd stay. He'll get over it. It's just a phase.
-He's just a sex addict. When he gets into recovery for that, you can be with him again
-If you took a more spiritual approach, his nonmonogamy wouldn't bother you
-You yourself are poly, why should it bother you if he is?

Things I was told when I told people I was poly and non-monogamous:
-Ha, you're playing days are over. Get over it.
-All men are non-monogamous.
-You just have to make the choice to be monogamous. That's just how relationships work.
-You are just a sex addict. None of this would matter if you got treatment.
-You aren't polyamorous, you're just bored.
-If you were more spiritual, you would be able to be monogamous.

There have been very few comments directed my way that have been supportive, loving, curious, knowledgeable or even understanding. Mostly just shaming and fear-based reactions. My sig other has gotten more support from her girlfriends because I am a man and I want to have multiple sexual partners. But she too has gotten her share of shame and fear-based "advice." A sure sign of a social paradigm shift is when the old norm (monogamy) can be seen as problematic, as pathological.

Immaterial
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  #114  
Old 07-02-2010, 06:48 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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anyway, sorry to hijack your blog ak, and what a remarkable series of stories it is! I have learned tons reading through all 12 pages, much appreciated.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming....

Immaterial
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  #115  
Old 07-02-2010, 09:45 AM
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But where else do we take this?

Yes there was I time when I thought there was something wrong with me. I was married and I wonder if I knew at some level that in order to make that relationship work I needed another.
In that relationship we both had affairs and we discussed having what, if we had known about polyamory, would have been polyamorous relationships. His need for another arose because of mine and so I accepted the responsibility for essentially being defective. I had a husband who loved me and yet it wasn't enough.

In my new relationship I feel totally satisfied and sustained, I don't need anyone else and I feel good about myself. This is just me I'm not trying to say anything about anyone else's relationships or polyamory in general.

Sage
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  #116  
Old 07-02-2010, 06:38 PM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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started a new thread on this topic here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...4415#post34415

Immaterial
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  #117  
Old 07-03-2010, 04:00 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
I feel totally satisfied and sustained, I don't need anyone else and I feel good about myself. This is just me I'm not trying to say anything about anyone else's relationships or polyamory in general.
I appreciate all the comments but I would like to clarify something. Neither DH nor J have ever made me feel like there is something wrong with me. They have always welcome and accepted the fact that I am monogamous and still do. It is something I have felt myself because these are very important people in my life and I spend a great deal of time with them. And because I do that and am the mono in the group I often have felt like the odd ball out for that simple fact that I am different from them on that level.

I am monogamous. My husband has been my one and only...well male sexual partner. I have done some swinging with him a little bit with a couple of other women and J has become a more permament person in this situation. But that doesn't change the fact that I still know I am a monogamous person. I care and love each of these people deeply but in such different ways. I love DH as my soul mate and my other half. There is no other person I could ever love in that way. I personally don't see it as possible nor do I care to. J is as I have said before like the strongest kind of sisterly love. Something so very different obviously. You just have to take out the creepy having sex with an actual sister part and there you go. Makes the threesomes fun.

I have worried that being so monogamous has made me boring and not as intense as the other people in my husbands life. But I also know that he loves that I am monogamous because he is a very jealous person. So this relationship works very well because of that. I bring on these worries myself. I know deep down there is nothing wrong with me. I just have insecurities about being the unexciting person in a room full of people with so much more experience. I am often seen as Miss Innocent and for some reason that has always struck me as someone who isn't very fun. I have no doubt that is just me. I have had one love, one sexual male partner my whole life. My husband has now had a few female partne. Some of our friends were very surprised at this, that I have only had him. Not J. I am talking about some of the others (and no, none of them know about our poly life. We have decided to keep that to ourselves. Personal choice.) I never felt the desire before I was married to go out and have sex with other boyfriends. No matter how much I cared for them. I had sex with my DH for the first time the night we got engaged. We met when we were 16. He asked me to marry him right before I started my senior year of college. So as you can see there was quite a gap there. We were married a year later. I only wanted one for my life and that is what I have and I am proud of that. That is who I am. That is how monogamous I am. I can't and won't take any one else as my true love and partner in life.

Last edited by ak2381; 07-04-2010 at 02:30 PM. Reason: clarification
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  #118  
Old 07-22-2010, 01:02 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default Less of a crutch

Hey folks,

Wow it has been awhile since I have been on here. I have found that I have used this site less and less because I know for a long time it was a huge crutch for me. It was all I had to hold on to and when all was lost and I was drowning this is where I came. In fact I have actually lurked from time to time still and when my DH found me doing so he would begin to worry that something was going wrong. It wasn't. I just wanted to know what people were up to.

Here is the latest in my story.

The past few weeks have been full of talking and getting to know each other on many levels. And I mean DH, J, and J's DH and myself. We have had many double dates and family get togethers. J's DH has become a huge part of our group. He and I have had our talks just as the two husbands have had theirs. We all seem to be very open with each other now. J and I are just as close if not closer than others.

The really good news. J and DH have been given the go ahead to start seeing each other again. It was all taken in baby steps. I have been staying by DH's side in all of this. I know it has been really hard for him. But I know he is so much happier now. And at the same time working very hard not to take advantage of J's DH's feelings in all of this. They text each other alot now.

I try to keep a check on how they are doing as a couple. DH looked a little bewildered the other day and asked why I always seemed more worried about her than him. I corrected him and said I was worried about both of them and I always phrase the question "How are you and J?" Because I know if they aren't right then he isn't happy. And I have seen him in enough pain these past couple of months that I don't care to live through that again for awhile.

I am holding up pretty well tonight. I am trying to keep at bay the feelings of not feeling very important or needed anymore. I know that they are irrational and just insecurities and no one can help those but me. It is like now that he has her back he doesn't need me for the exciting sex. I am back to being the boring wife. And I am not needed by her anymore either because she can be with him without me present. I know very much that isn't true. So, J, don't get upset with me or yourself for that statement. I know that is all me and by the end of tonight I will be perfectly over it. You did not make me feel that way. DH did not make me feel that way. Your DH did not make me feel that way. All three of you have gone over the top to make me feel welcome and included and cared about. It is me. I make me feel that way. And only I can make myself get over it.

Its a good part of the story really. I just need to get back into the swing of things. And me being on the site tonight does not mean I am falling backward. I think of it as I don't need this site as a crutch anymore. I see it as visiting old friends and updating everyone. I hope everyone is doing great.
I hope to write again soon. Thank you.

Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it - Anne of Green Gables
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  #119  
Old 07-22-2010, 02:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Ak, that's wonderful that you are doing so well!
I'm really glad you popped back in to give an update.
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  #120  
Old 07-22-2010, 03:19 AM
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yay!!!!!!! you're back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Way too few monos on here without you and KT, will give your post a proper read when I have time. You have made my day, you have been one of my biggest inspirations
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