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  #101  
Old 06-27-2010, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
And me, the mono, I think is the only one holding it together. Ironic wouldn't you say?
ak2381, you've been a member here longer than I have and it's really possible that you know more about the subject of polyamory than I do. Please excuse me for rushing in as a fool where angels fear to tread.

Surely you have by now thought about taking a lover of your own? Something out in the open, as polyamory is supposed to be? You say you're mono and I can respect that. Could you ever consider crossing the line? It just strikes me - and please excuse a fool - that what's sauce for the the gander ought to be sauce for the goose.
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  #102  
Old 06-28-2010, 03:25 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Surely you have by now thought about taking a lover of your own? Something out in the open, as polyamory is supposed to be? You say you're mono and I can respect that. Could you ever consider crossing the line? It just strikes me - and please excuse a fool - that what's sauce for the the gander ought to be sauce for the goose.
As another mono, I can say that I thought of crossing that line. Why? Not to love someone else, but to take the sting out future partners my partner may have.

Here's a quick scenario that I have run through in my own head:

Mono pushes himself to take on another lover and finds one. New lover is quite happy with one lover. Mono falls in love with new partner and leaves the struggle of having a poly partner for the calm and comfort of having a mono one.

Not only is it not in a mono's nature to take on numerous lovers, it would be a pretty risky venture for the poly partner to encourage this as a possible way to gain freedom or acceptance...unless they had little invested in the relationship.

Of course...the mono person could turn out to be "not so mono" and then everything is different
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  #103  
Old 06-28-2010, 05:33 AM
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Mono pushes himself to take on another lover and finds one. New lover is quite happy with one lover. Mono falls in love with new partner and leaves the struggle of having a poly partner for the calm and comfort of having a mono one.

Not only is it not in a mono's nature to take on numerous lovers, it would be a pretty risky venture for the poly partner to encourage this as a possible way to gain freedom or acceptance...unless they had little invested in the relationship.

Of course...the mono person could turn out to be "not so mono" and then everything is different
Dear MonoVCPHG,
Yes, I thought of some of this too and agree. A lot of this business has me stumped. It's very personal to the folks involved, and nearly any input one might give them could be wrong. Mono Wife's situation seems to say urgent, though, or at least help me.

And who doesn't need help sometimes? I'm pretty sure I'm not the proper helper here, only recently discovered I'm not mono. And man, I'm telling you, it's a hard thing to find out! Poly flies in the face of EVERYTHING in western society. You must think "Tell me something I don't know."

All I can do is wish these folks the best. Many at the site here have been dealing for a long time, though. Y'all seem pretty damn good to me.
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  #104  
Old 06-28-2010, 05:35 AM
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All I can do is wish these folks the best. Many at the site here have been dealing for a long time, though. Y'all seem pretty damn good to me.
We're not so bad I guess
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  #105  
Old 06-28-2010, 05:44 AM
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No, y'all are pretty good. Good to have friends here.
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  #106  
Old 06-28-2010, 12:23 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Originally Posted by catbird View Post
ak2381, you've been a member here longer than I have and it's really possible that you know more about the subject of polyamory than I do. Please excuse me for rushing in as a fool where angels fear to tread.

Surely you have by now thought about taking a lover of your own? Something out in the open, as polyamory is supposed to be? You say you're mono and I can respect that. Could you ever consider crossing the line? It just strikes me - and please excuse a fool - that what's sauce for the the gander ought to be sauce for the goose.
While this has been discussed between my DH and myself it is something I am simply not interested in. Since the day I met my husband when I was 16 years old I have just not been interested in anyone else, period. I know that is hard to believe. Oh I have looked or gawked at a good looking guy from time to time. I am human after all. Especially if he has that dark hair and deep blue eyes going for him, I have a superman fetish, lol.

When my husband and I first entered into this in such a painful way and were working out the issues, the first few days were about why don't I just go out and find someone else. But as we dug deeper I knew that this was not who I was. I have always found it so easy to except people as they are. I love learning about new cultures and religions. I have never had a problems with homosexuality or those of the atheist or even Wicca belief. I find new views to be fascinating. This was a whole new thing for me. And while I had no problem with the lifestyle I never imagined living it myself. By this point DH had already mentioned this was the life of J and M. And I thought nothing of it. That's just another way to live. But it is not the way I wanted to live.

I am mono. And I am proud of that and accept that about myself. My DH has expressed he doesn't know if he can handle me finding another lover the way I have accepted it. And while most might find that cold and unfair it doesn't bother me. Because I don't want another lover. I have had my offers. I have an old boyfriend from high school that I find very attractive and probably would take him up on a date if I were not married. But I just don't feel right about it because I am happy with my one husband and don't care to venture past the line.

J is probably the closest I have to being poly. But we have already discussed how we feel towards each other and how that differs from her being a wife and gf. She and I have a deep emotional and even physical connection. And it is a love in its own special way. But I am still very mono because she is apart of this triad. She is still the gf of DH and wife to M. My DH was trying to figure out how to describe my relationship with her. And I said think of two close sisters. Now throw in the playful sexual interaction and take out the creepy part of them actually being sisters. He laughed and said "So that means I am having sex with your sister?"

Mono is who I am just as poly is who J and DH are. And who you are and many others on this board. And I love learning about it so I can further grow and understand about this new world that I have had to enter.
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  #107  
Old 06-28-2010, 12:28 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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I just wanted to add that while I respect polys and know that many of them are on here learning about themselves we monos are doing the same. It can be easy to become lost when some of the most important people in your life are poly. I have often wondered if there was something wrong with me for my mono way of living. Why can't I want to take on another lover. Not that my DH would be thrilled but it has been a thought that maybe I am not right when so many people around me now are like this.

Sometimes it is hard for the mono to come out and say Hey I am Monogamous! to their poly community.
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  #108  
Old 06-30-2010, 06:41 PM
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You have been a great inspiration for me Ak. I too have considered being poly but when I looked at why, my reasons didn't stack up and would have taken me further away from what I want (awesome, loving, committed relationship), rather than brought me closer.

I would have done it to show Z just how much his relationship can hurt me; at times I've really wanted him to feel my pain (not proud of that). Also to fill any possible void that his relationship creates in ours. Also not good but not quite so bad.

At the moment, like you I have no interest in bringing in anyone else, and no time to do another relationship justice. Unlike you I quite like the fact that if someone did stumble into my life that I did want to pursue a relationship with I have an environment that would be reasonably open to that. Like your DH Z doesn't feel all that optimistic that he would cope very well, but at least he would try.

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  #109  
Old 07-01-2010, 12:26 AM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Default interesting this is being brought up...

i myself have been having a little trouble working through my own feelings. And I have thought about being poly just to show my BF the pain that I go through... NO GOOD. So I have not...and will not unless it comes from something positive not negative. And to be honest he would not accept me being poly which kind of makes the life style a little more appealing and makes me question him...why is it okay for you and not for me....??? But then I think would I really be okay with him being OKAY with me sleeping with someone else....i think i would see him as less of a man...eekkk.. i cannot believe i just said that....for all the guys out there please dont take it personal i didnt mean any disrespect or hard feelings...
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  #110  
Old 07-02-2010, 02:13 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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It's so interesting to read all of these thoughts and feelings and experiences. I thank all of you who are so boldly honest and communicative.

One constant thread is that poly, non-monogamous and mono people here are all expressing the idea that they either went through or still do go through periods where they feel there is something wrong with them for their orientation. This fascinates me.

I do believe we live in a culture of pathology. I feel the underlying message from our context is "there is something wrong with you." This constitutes the shame core for each of us. Relationships, intimacy, emotions and sex are all part of that shame core, are all driven by the contexts that we inherit.

That poly, non-mono and mono people can all express essentially the same sentiment of "there is something wrong with me" or that most of us have at least wrestled with that demon is revealing.

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