I was vetoed - please read

[mercury]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

I see lots of "she should have, she could have, she shouldn't have's" about your bf's gf's feelings.

Telling your bf to tell his gf "don't feel jealous..." well, it just doesnt work that way. Jealousy is an emotion that needs to be felt, and worked through, and finally let go of when one is secure. You can't just *poof* it away.

However, even if she has always been interested in polyamory, thinking about it and actually doing it successfully are 2 different things. I shared my story with you to show you how that went down for me. I was completely overcome with surprise at the intensity of the NRE my husband had for his gf. They didn't keep it in check, and I wasn't prepared to deal with it, despite having read The Ethical Slut. I ended up feeling more like his mom, like a mother sending her teen son out on dates, and like the babysitter for our kids, doing the drudge work while he was out having fun.

It can really take a while to learn the ins and outs of polyamory. Your heart does get dinged and even broken sometimes.

I know it's not as easy as telling someone "don't feel jealous." I am sharing my attitude about jealousy, which is to say that I think if one reminds one's self that other people can't replace you, one can potentially feel less jealous.

I was in no way saying it's as easy as saying "don't feel jealous" and that *poof* jealous goes away.

[mercury]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

I see lots of "she should have, she could have, she shouldn't have's" about your bf's gf's feelings.

Telling your bf to tell his gf "don't feel jealous..." well, it just doesnt work that way. Jealousy is an emotion that needs to be felt, and worked through, and finally let go of when one is secure. You can't just *poof* it away.

However, even if she has always been interested in polyamory, thinking about it and actually doing it successfully are 2 different things. I shared my story with you to show you how that went down for me. I was completely overcome with surprise at the intensity of the NRE my husband had for his gf. They didn't keep it in check, and I wasn't prepared to deal with it, despite having read The Ethical Slut. I ended up feeling more like his mom, like a mother sending her teen son out on dates, and like the babysitter for our kids, doing the drudge work while he was out having fun.

It can really take a while to learn the ins and outs of polyamory. Your heart does get dinged and even broken sometimes.

By the way, glad you shared your story. I understand how you felt. I understand how she feels, too.

Wanting polyamory and doing it without jealousy are two different things.

Still, as a person who feels more comfortable with it, I'm allowed to talk about my relative feeling of ease about it. You don't have to take offense to it when I say how I am compared with how she apparently is. She's more jealous/more insecure. I don't know how many times I've said it doesn't make her bad. Just less secure and more jealous. I think it'd be difficult for me, too, just not as much so.

And as far as feeling bad about the NRE of a partner and his new woman. I think one solution to that is to get an additional partner of your own. Again, I know that doesn't happen easily either. But you could certainly try to find a partner for yourself too so that you're not sitting at home when he's out with someone else. Have fun. Polyamory isn't supposed to be a woman, her husband, and her husband's gf. It's all too often like that. But the wives and original girlfriends need to get boyfriends and girlfriends of their own and have fun with it. It's not fun for anybody when one person's seething about other people's fun.

[Magdlyn]

Oh, I'm not offended. No worries. I just hear you saying you're surprised at the intensity of her jealousy and insecurity. And it is unfortunate and disappointing for you of course! You wouldnt have let your heart get all involved with your bf if you didn't think his gf was OK with polyamory. Just like, I wouldn't have started up with the woman my ex and I had a relationship with, if I didn't think she was bisexual.

Instead we were both thrown when expectations met reality.

[mercury]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Oh, I'm not offended. No worries. I just hear you saying you're surprised at the intensity of her jealousy and insecurity. And it is unfortunate and disappointing for you of course! You wouldnt have let your heart get all involved with your bf if you didn't think his gf was OK with polyamory. Just like, I wouldn't have started up with the woman my ex and I had a relationship with, if I didn't think she was bisexual.

Instead we were both thrown when expectations met reality.

I am a bit surprised at the level of jealousy and insecurity on her part because she's an attractive woman. She's not drop dead gorgeous, but she's attractive. Cool personality, smart, sweet, educated, professional. And I think I'm attractive, too (I'm all those same things). Honestly, I think in the big picture of things, she and I are pretty even.

I just feel like...why be jealous of me? I'm nothing special. Anything I am, she is too. And vice versa. So...I don't get it.

Honestly, I think one reason why I don't feel that jealous in general of other women is that I don't have this sense of myself as awesome. Well, I think I am; I just think other women are, too. Therefore, it's not heartbreaking for me to imagine a man I love thinking of another woman as awesome and totally worthy of his emotions.

I can see him looking me in the eyes and saying (about her): "She's just wonderful. I love her so much." And me saying, "That's wonderful, baby." If I know he loves me too and thinks I"m wonderful, too, and has a great deal of passion for me too...I'm good.

[Arrowbound]

Originally Posted by mercury

And as far as feeling bad about the NRE of a partner and his new woman. I think one solution to that is to get an additional partner of your own. Again, I know that doesn't happen easily either. But you could certainly try to find a partner for yourself too so that you're not sitting at home when he's out with someone else. Have fun. Polyamory isn't supposed to be a woman, her husband, and her husband's gf. It's all too often like that. But the wives and original girlfriends need to get boyfriends and girlfriends of their own and have fun with it. It's not fun for anybody when one person's seething about other people's fun.

That can be a slippery slope. It's not supposed to be a race or a competition; if you need to fill more time, it doesn't need to be with another person. In fact, it can be even more of a detriment. Another = an additional set of characteristics, emotions, habits, etc. that need to be taken into account. It's like emphasizing you can't have fun without mirroring your SO, which of course is not true.

[mercury]

Originally Posted by Arrowbound

That can be a slippery slope. It's not supposed to be a race or a competition; if you need to fill more time, it doesn't need to be with another person. In fact, it can be even more of a detriment. Another = an additional set of characteristics, emotions, habits, etc. that need to be taken into account. It's like emphasizing you can't have fun without mirroring your SO, which of course is not true.

I didn't mean what I said in terms of competition, "Keeping up with the joneses" (er...one's partner). It's absolutely correct that one shouldn't need to have someone just because one's partner does. In a perfect world, we'd all feel cool just hanging out by ourselves doing hobbies while our partners are with their new girlfriends/boyfriends. But realistically? Actually having someone else yourself (I'm talking about someone you genuinely like/adore, not just someone you picked up in order to "keep up") is probably a lot more effective in reducing your "seething while he's out with his new girlfriend."

I mean, in the situation I was in, when he and I were talking about seeing each other again, and then a few days later he told me that she was bristling about it, he told me that she had said, "Wait til I'm dating someone too..." So even she was thinking...it would be easier on me if I had someone myself.

I mean, maybe people like to think they are "too mature" and "too evolved" to have to hurry up and get a gf/bf of their own just because their partner has one, but I say...get one. It's also not great to feel jealous, so work through it and try to feel okay with it in your own right, but you can do even more to ease the difficulty by having fun yourself, even just going on dates. Go out on girls nights with your female friends. Don't sit at home, 'cause you're just gonna give him/her hell for having a good time without you.

The girl in my situation, when I had coffee with her, I asked her if she was dating or trying to date, and I think she tried to pull the old, oh-so-mature 'no, I don't need to keep up with him' She said to me in this very mature way, "I am far too busy right now. I have several projects I"m working on. I can't even think about it."

Come to find, a week or two later, she put up a newly-created OkCupid profile and was trying to get out there because he had someone. I also hear from him that she was very jealous of me being around.