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  #31  
Old 04-15-2010, 02:51 PM
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I agree with your #2 S-cat. Does that make me not an old lady? Heh

I get what you mean about letting love in where ever it comes from, but I think that of course there is some reasons to be aware of who it is that is coming into ones life. I didn't get what S-cat said to mean just be with whomever off facebook you want, just that there might be some reason to be open to who comes into ones life.

Its true, poly people look for different things sometimes, but I didn't get that that difference was being challenged in what S-cat was saying.
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  #32  
Old 04-15-2010, 06:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Tinylove-
I don't think she said anything about you wanting to know WHO he's talking to online.

She was saying-if they love each other and it's good-who cares if they are also previously exes?

Personally we DO have a WRITTEN boundary list. One of the rules is that we must identify to our primaries a potential PRIOR to dating them, and we have to identify and be sure our primary is ok with it before we move to relationships status.

That's strict to some people, but it works for us because as you said-we have small children in the house and we're all looking for stability and permanence.

BUT-if GG for example ran across his ex "new age girl", and they opted to date again; I'd be ok with that.

The key detail is that GG would NEVER keep it a secret from me (or her). We're mature, honest, open. If she "friended" him, he'd let me know. If he friended her, he'd let me know. If something started to develop, he'd let me know. If he wanted to date her again he'd let me know. He would expect her to respect our relationship...

Likewise with M, but I can't give you a name, cause he wouldn't consider his ex-wife for a variety of reasons that have little or nothing to do with me and everything to do with her current lifestyle and the damage she's done to their son. But I don't know any of the girls (except myself) from before her...
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  #33  
Old 04-15-2010, 09:26 PM
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Quote:
Maybe I am the only one here who feels this way and if that is so then who cares.
No, you are not. There are obviously different degrees of comfort levels in dealing with Polyamory. If it bothers you for your husband to get romantically involved with one of his ex-girlfriends...then I don't see why he can't, as an honorable person, be willing to accommodate and not go there. There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

Of course, I'm assuming he intends/hopes to become romantically involved with her. If not, then hey...he should be able to easily dismiss any thought of meeting with her.

I would be curious to see my ex again, but I'm not gonna go out of my way, dragging my wife, to meet up and hang out with her. Especially if I knew the whole idea really bothered her so. Like Jay-Z says, "On to the next."
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  #34  
Old 04-15-2010, 09:49 PM
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Of course, I'm assuming he intends/hopes to become romantically involved with her. If not, then hey...he should be able to easily dismiss any thought of meeting with her.
I completely disagree with this. There are lots of reasons to want to see someone other than that you want to date or fuck them--especially if it's someone you used to be with, or even just someone you were friends with. For me it has more to do with learning things about myself, putting my past in perspective. And I would be very upset if my husband told me I couldn't see someone I wanted to see--regardless of whether I planned on, or wanted, to have sex with that person. For one thing, it's controlling.
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  #35  
Old 04-15-2010, 10:13 PM
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And I would be very upset if my husband told me I couldn't see someone I wanted to see--regardless of whether I planned on, or wanted, to have sex with that person. For one thing, it's controlling.
I never suggested she tell her husband no either. And I agree with you...you don't have to have sex in the back of your mind in order to meet with your ex. But by the same token - I could never picture myself so eager to meet up with an ex that I would shove the idea down my wife's throat. If she's cool with it, alright, if I see she was uncomfortable. Then that's alright too. It's not that serious.
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  #36  
Old 04-16-2010, 10:59 PM
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The specific question posted was "what do you think about friending ex lovers on facebook" and my specific answer was "no problem at all".

A more important question is, "what do you think of a person getting back together with an ex lover" and my answer to that, for either a mono or poly person, is "Bad bad idea." I never understand why people think it will work any better the second time. People break up for a reason, and most second runs end the same way as the first ones. Sure "people change" and it is theoretically possible that given enough time, both people will change enough to become "a whole new person" but by the time they grow that much, their romantic interests tend to change as well.

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Originally Posted by tinylove View Post
I disagree with this statement. Who cares who they are dating ? I DO! Stand in the way ?? Why because I am not just into an open marriage. I want to know who my partner is sleeping with and I want and need to get along with them or there will be conflict. I have a family that involves three small children.
How does being an ex preclude you from knowing her and getting along with her? Does their history brings up insecurities about your relationship?

It almost seems like you're talking about vetos, and whether vetoing an entire group of people (exes) carte blanche without meeting them is appropriate.

Quote:
To me if you do not want agreements and terms than just have an open marriage and screw whoever you want. Who cares right as long as you and they are happy??? !!!
Just by being in a marriage, we've already made agreements and terms: We've promised to respect each other, communicate to the best of our ability, and avoid behaviour that would knowingly harm one another. We never make any major life decisions without discussing it first and coming to an agreement that works best for both of us. Dating people is no exception.

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I am venting here cause this really makes me mad. Yes I want my husband to be happy but to assume that because I want to know who he is chatting with is standing in his way UGH just makes me mad.

I for one want to know who is in my husbands life. I want him to open up to me and tell me how he feels. We had talked last night and went over a lot of new thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Again, don't you have a better chance of knowing who he's chatting with if they're friends on facebook? Wanting to know who he's dating is definitely not standing in his way, and I did not imply it is. But it's possible that writing off an entire group of women with whom he may find happiness could prevent him from finding that happiness with those women.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
She was saying-if they love each other and it's good-who cares if they are also previously exes?
Exactly what I meant.

If someone, either ex or newbie, was unwilling to at least get to know me, that would raise red flags. We may not become friends, not everyone clicks that way, but a few coffees are good to get a solid sense of one another.

I probably did take it too far by saying "who cares who they date" ... of course any loving partner is going to care about whom their spouse is dating. I guess what I really meant was, who cares if they're an ex, as long as their relationship with your husband is healthy, they are loving and supportive, good role models for your kids, etc. I mean, you husband had the sense to marry you, so his taste in women must be reliable, right?
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  #37  
Old 04-17-2010, 05:25 PM
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I was best friends with my first love and when we broke up we would still spend time together. THe MONO Gf that i ended up being with completely freaked out at the thought of me haging out with my ex.

This definitely created some resentment towards that lover at the time. she too is now an ex and i'm in a much healthier poly relationship where my POLy partner and i have no problems with ex-es. actually she frequently speaks to one of her exes on facebook all the time.

I know that there is a feeling (allbeit tiny) that is wierded out by it because that part of their life is over, but you cannot deny that it may have been a very significant part of your loved one's life. and to deny them to even talk can cause only trouble.

However, if there is an interest for more than talking, then you two need to talk about it to see how each of you feel about it. someone already said vetos work. and they do unless it causes them to want it more cause they can't have it.

i would say encourage talk with a temp veto and then you might start to relax more or your partner may not in fact have any interest in pursuing his ex as a lover again.
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  #38  
Old 04-18-2010, 09:19 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by tinylove View Post
So what do you think?
The more, the merrier.

I don't see any difference between an old flame and a possible new flame--and any relationship that might turn romantic involves the same sort of work as any other. Whether it's somebody she just met or somebody she knows from high school and whom she never dated or somebody whom she dated for a lengthy period makes no difference to me.
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