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Old 04-13-2010, 10:01 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default Humiliation

So,
I wasn't going to write this. Because- Who wants to share their humiliation!

But honesty is a BIG part of making polyamory work and being honest means being honest about the good AND THE BAD right?

Ok-so I'm having this struggle.
I'm learning in leaps and bounds.

Something I have learned and was THRILLED to find repeated in an email I recieved from a friend this weekend-
is that we flourish when we focus on the positive. There are LOTS of reasons for this-but they don't pertain to this post so I'm not going to get into them right now.

I've made a point of focusing on the positive. Specifically positive INTENT. Not everyone has a positive intent for their actions. But I assume positive intent. That way even if I find out later that it wasn't positive intent, as stated by my friend, I haven't wasted the interim time being miserable thinking that they had negative intent BEFORE I KNEW it. Which means I am overall a happier person.

Anyway-how this is humiliating for me is that OVER AND OVER again one or the other of my men expresses intent to do/say or not do/not say something or other. I take this at face value with the assumption that this positive behavior is their TRUE intent.

Then-they drop the ball or whatever and it creates (at least for me) the impression that everything I said about "things going well" or "making progress" or whatever are lies-or I'm seriously delusional.

THAT creates a sense of humiliation in me that leaves me not wanting to go on our trip to Canada.
Not because I don't want to meet the 4 people there that I have arranged to meet. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to meet them.
But because I feel humiliated.

Now-I have no intetion of allowing my emotions to control me-so I'm not going to cancel my trip. I WANT to go meet tthese people and I BELIEVE that doing so will be a HUGE part of helping myself grow in the areas I'm trying to grow in. SO I am going.

BUT I also think that since I am feeling these emotions-part of "growing" in the areas I'm trying to grow in-is honestly acknowledging these emotions and claiming them so that I can deal with them and resolve them.
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Old 04-13-2010, 10:39 PM
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Very cool LR...thanks for sharing...now get you ass down here

I meant you honesty and vulnerability is very cool.
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Old 04-13-2010, 10:42 PM
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You make yourself vulnerable LR. I would like to suggest that word instead of humiliated as perhaps another feeling word instead.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that feeling in terms of your worth. You are on a journey and part of that is making yourself vulnerable in order to achieve your goals. If only more would share in that way, they may find they come into more satisfaction in their lives and more of what they need.

Keep at it girl. I love you all the more for it. You are you. And I love that about you!
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Old 04-13-2010, 10:56 PM
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MUAH!
to both of you!
(ok, on the cheek for you Mon!)

I honestly feel better having just written it out. I knew I would. Just had to do it.

It's funny that-

when we have a fear about something, it's like standing on the highdive.
we go out to the edge, freak out come back.

IF we just jump off-it's done and over with in seconds.

On the other hand if we just keep walking back and forth the fear grows exponentially until we can't breathe etc.

It seems a fairly simple concept that if you are feeling fear-the EASIEST thing on your self is to JUST GO FACE whatever it is and get it over with........
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Old 04-13-2010, 11:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
But honesty is a BIG part of making polyamory work and being honest means being honest about the good AND THE BAD right?
Thanks for sharing. It helps to write, I keep a detailed journal about the ups and downs of emotional honesty.
I think you could remove polyamory and put relationships. Honesty is paramount for good relationships

Quote:
Anyway-how this is humiliating for me is that OVER AND OVER again one or the other of my men expresses intent to do/say or not do/not say something or other. I take this at face value with the assumption that this positive behavior is their TRUE intent.
hmmm...I see the others posts in the thead but wanted to give my point of view on what I am seeing. By feeling humiliation you are taking ownership of whatever emotion or intention your partner(s) are promising. Everyone has enough emotions on their own let alone to take ownership of something you have no control of. I could be wrong of course, but I am getting that feeling with how you wrote this.

As an example, when I was at my darkest and feeling the most emotion, my wife started to feel a serious dislike for our ex. Once she told me that I knew something had gone wrong. She had started to take what I felt and was owning emotions that she wasn't feeling. We sat down a talked, and I told her that these were my emotions to feel and OWN and I didn't want her to hold our ex up to my emotions. Their relationship is different. I wanted her to help me...but I needed her to not take that and break their blossoming friendship. That friendship is very important for her, its, hopefully a big catalyst for her to make some changes. It did seem to work, happily, and in the end it helped me, because they were both strong while I was very vulnerable. By her trying to own my emotions it created a massive tailspin that was making it worse for me, and for her.

I am not saying you can't support them, just saying not to take ownership of it

Quote:
Then-they drop the ball or whatever and it creates (at least for me) the impression that everything I said about "things going well" or "making progress" or whatever are lies-or I'm seriously delusional.

THAT creates a sense of humiliation in me that leaves me not wanting to go on our trip to Canada.
Not because I don't want to meet the 4 people there that I have arranged to meet. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to meet them.
But because I feel humiliated.
Remember these are relationship problems. There are 4 relationships in your V. There are lots of ups and downs and not everyone has to have the perfect relationship all of the time. I don't think you should feel humiliated (I really think thats a strong word btw) when every relationship goes through stuff. You all still have each other, are communicating and trying. Thats better than most

Quote:
Now-I have no intetion of allowing my emotions to control me-so I'm not going to cancel my trip. I WANT to go meet tthese people and I BELIEVE that doing so will be a HUGE part of helping myself grow in the areas I'm trying to grow in. SO I am going.
Good, will be happy to meet this fairly large crew of people.

Quote:
BUT I also think that since I am feeling these emotions-part of "growing" in the areas I'm trying to grow in-is honestly acknowledging these emotions and claiming them so that I can deal with them and resolve them.
Claim your own emotions, don't take others on too.

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  #6  
Old 04-13-2010, 11:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Ari-
you are right.
I am/was claiming responsibility where it's not mine to claim.
I'm going to go take a walk and a shower (well sort of shower cause I still can't get those wet) and contemplate this one!!!

THANK YOU.
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:14 PM
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Any chance that you might want to meet a 5th person (since you're coming out this way anyway)?

-Derby
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Old 04-14-2010, 11:16 PM
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Sure-but wouldn't that potentially make 6.....

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Old 04-15-2010, 01:13 AM
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Potentially but it depends when you're actually here.
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  #10  
Old 04-15-2010, 01:17 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Definite 6 if you include my wife

Nerdist
RP
Mono
Myself
Pengrah (my wifes future handle)
Derby
Derby's husband I assume is the 7th
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