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Old 06-28-2012, 12:26 AM
rekkerafthor rekkerafthor is offline
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Default Weird feelings and was I wrong?

So, a little background. My wife and I have been in a poly relationship for about 3 years at this point. We both ended up with a second significant other once we opened the relationship and made a lot of the beginners poly mistakes, with both of our relationships with our secondaries ending about a year after we decided to venture in to poly.

We spent the next year and a half pretty much working on our relationship (my girlfriend proved to be a rather toxic individual and my wife and I had a lot of healing to do after the break up). We are finally at a point where we are ok with having other relationships again.

Now to my question/thinky thoughts.

Since we are now venturing back into the poly world some things that strike me as odd have been going in my brain. My wife has a long distance girlfriend that she's really close to, and that doesn't bother me at all. And a male friend of ours that is married and poly has recently shown interest in her. I've known this guy for a long time and like him. I'm not bothered with him going out with her and starting something either.

So at her birthday party, this guy starts hitting on her at the karaoke bar we are at. I'm not too worried. She ends up leaving with his number that night. They go out a few days later, and then he invites her back to his place the next night. This guy has never had any experience with poly, but he still wants to see my wife two nights in a row. And while it sort of bothered me I couldn't put a finger on why.

So, at the end of the week,she wants to go see him again. And I get really pissy about it, because I still had yet to even meet the guy . And when my wife suggested to him that we all go out for a coffee he decides he is kind of freaked out about it and cancels. My wife and I spend most of the rest of the night processing, and I finally was able to get it out that I just didn't trust him. I had no reason not to, but some THING just screamed this guy might not be the best person to have hanging around.

So I guess my question is this. Was getting upset about my wife going out with a guy that I didn't trust (without a reason to distrust him) unfair of me? They had only been out twice, so it wasn't like they were at the point of starting a relationship. While she assures me she accepts my feelings, I can't help but think I wronged her somehow. Ladies, how would you feel if you were her? Guys, how would you have handled the situation?
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:33 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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If I were her, I would have been annoyed at you for getting pissy rather than just straightforwardly expressing your desire to meet the guy and/or that you didn't trust him. After all, I'm not a mind reader, how can I know why you're being pissy, all I know is that it sucks! So, good on you for figuring it out in the end and telling her. And good on her for listening and suggesting the coffee date. Aaand, it looks like you were right to be worried, since it freaked him out!

Next time, talk calmly about your feelings earlier, even if just to say "I have a bad feeling about this and I'm not sure why, would it be possible for you to wait a couple of days before your next date so I can work it out?" Getting pissy is never the right answer, especially since your wife sounds like a reasonable person.

Of course, you could also request a guideline along the lines of "Don't have dates with the same person more than once before I get to meet them"? But I doubt that's the real solution, since a variety of other issues could come up that would similarly put you in a position to feel bad/weird. Better to work on the communication overall.
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:43 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Sometimes you can just get a vibe from someone (even from a basic description) and know something just isn't right. If I were in your wife's position, I would probably have been really frustrated with your pissyness until you figured out why you were feeling it and explained it to me.

Do you two normally meet each other's potential dates that early on? If you don't have a general rule about when you meet others, you might want to figure one out based on this experience. Getting the occasional bad feeling is one thing, but if her seeing someone 3 times without you meeting him/her is going to be a problem in the future it would be better to deal with that head-on instead of waiting for issues to come up.
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Old 06-28-2012, 03:20 AM
rekkerafthor rekkerafthor is offline
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I realize getting pissy wasn't the best reaction. I was having trouble articulating myself in a way she could understand, most likely because the situation just bothered me. And she was upset with me. I can't blame her.

The thing is, she's been on multiple dates with guys before without me meeting them early on. I'm having trouble figuring out why this one bothered me so much. I think part of it was because we hadn't spent a whole lot of time together that week already. (She had been out with this guy twice, and with another , the guy I do like once). But I don't think that was all of it.

We haven't talked much about the situation since then. Apparently it freaked this guy out enough that he hasn't contacted her since. I feel bad about that. I'm a big guy, and can be intimidating unless you talk to me, at which point the teddy bear falls out of my mouth. My wife is not that upset. She didn't see anything long term coming out of it.
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Old 06-28-2012, 04:11 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rekkerafthor View Post
I realize getting pissy wasn't the best reaction. I was having trouble articulating myself in a way she could understand, most likely because the situation just bothered me. And she was upset with me. I can't blame her.
I think that's pretty normal. Recognizing that it's an issue that needs to be worked on is a good thing, though, to hopefully make future communication easier.

Quote:
The thing is, she's been on multiple dates with guys before without me meeting them early on. I'm having trouble figuring out why this one bothered me so much. I think part of it was because we hadn't spent a whole lot of time together that week already. (She had been out with this guy twice, and with another , the guy I do like once). But I don't think that was all of it.
Ah, scheduling... That's enough to frustrate anyone. I'm a big fan of having a household calendar (either digital or one hanging on the wall - I prefer the wall one, but whatever works) so that you can clearly set aside x amount of time for home/you two to have date night, y amount of time for outside dates, z amount of time for family/friends, etc. It's easier (for me anyway) to make sure everyone and everything that needs my attention gets it when I have a visual. It's way too easy to overs-chedule when people keep things separate so you can't tell when your schedules are overlapping.

Quote:
We haven't talked much about the situation since then. Apparently it freaked this guy out enough that he hasn't contacted her since. I feel bad about that. I'm a big guy, and can be intimidating unless you talk to me, at which point the teddy bear falls out of my mouth. My wife is not that upset. She didn't see anything long term coming out of it.
Well, hopefully it was a good learning experience at least. I'm glad it's not causing any huge issues.
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Old 06-28-2012, 04:16 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Also, the fact that it freaked him out and he disappeared, says to me that you absolutely did the right thing. Who knows why, but if he wasn't able to meet you, then that doesn't bode well for a poly-ship (of any kind). right?
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  #7  
Old 06-28-2012, 09:33 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I don't know why you had that vibe, but if the guy disappeared I think it's good you spotted it early on.
Maybe you were uncomfortable due to his inexperience with poly. Not meeting someone who is familiar with poly is less threatening and scary, because you can trust they already know the situation.
With this guy, there was the chance he might assume things, turn out to be a cowboy, turn out not to understand poly at all and create drama, turn out to have made assumptions...

If he ever re-contacts her, I would suggest you keep trying to meet him, although for his own comfort, I would suggest a date in a neutral place with just him and her (with you knowing where she is) when she can answer his questions first without you being around, at which point you would join them and he could ask you additional questions, or he'd first have an opportunity to leave if he feels it's not for him.

Either way, I think you did the right thing in the end, and in the future you should try and communicate your feelings as early as possible, in a calm manner so you can discuss it.
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Old 06-29-2012, 02:06 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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No, I don't think you did the right thing.

Is your wife not allowed to date others unless you've known them for years?

That's not a reasonable position.

I disagree with the people who say your instincts were right because the guy disappeared. If I was expected to immediately meet the spouse of someone I've known for a week and been on two dates with, I would freak out and disappear too.

Maybe the guy was worried you & your wife wanted a sudden threesome or something. There are many reasons why he could have disappeared.
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Old 06-29-2012, 03:07 AM
rekkerafthor rekkerafthor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
No, I don't think you did the right thing.

Is your wife not allowed to date others unless you've known them for years?

That's not a reasonable position.

I disagree with the people who say your instincts were right because the guy disappeared. If I was expected to immediately meet the spouse of someone I've known for a week and been on two dates with, I would freak out and disappear too.

Maybe the guy was worried you & your wife wanted a sudden threesome or something. There are many reasons why he could have disappeared.
I actually agree with this. I don't think I was entirely right. However, I did say she has been on multiple dates with guys that I didn't know before and it didn't freak me out like this. And those dates were with guys unfamiliar with poly. I'm really unhappy with the way I handled the situation and I'm still trying to figure out why this particular scenario bothered me like it did. It's not fair of me to limit her dating people I already know. I get that. I think I just had a bad gut feeling about him, but without a reason why I don't feel I can just veto it.
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  #10  
Old 06-29-2012, 03:35 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Did you completely veto it? From what you've said so far you told your wife that you got a bad feeling from even though you couldn't point out why, so she tried to set up a meeting between the two of you so that you could get to know him a bit. He bolted.

While you handled it poorly in the beginning by letting your emotions get the better of you, you didn't just flat out tell her to never see him again did you?
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